(261) Welll...

Well...!!..Had few things to share about today's experiences. But by now, I am exhausted and you know that I hate the dry runs of my talk, so keeping them for keeps. Not sure how much time will I get in India to come online here and share things. However, will drop in on and off...bye for now!!
Dasvidaniya!

(260) One more day to go!

In last two days, I received few messages from my friends and relatives talking about their excitement to welcome me. It was quite heart stirring to know that there are people who are equally enthused to see me as I am to see India. Few of them read-“looking forward to welcome you, we’ll have lotsa fun”, “can’t wait to see you”, “come soon, have a long list to do things”, “ccd is being refurbished to Russian taste”,  and other such lovely ones. But, I did a blunder, I unwillingly hurt one friend because of my hasty reaction. I was preoccupied with something else in my mind and blurted out reaction on him. We have been friends for almost twelve years now and have fought many times for big small things, but it seems this time I hurt him really bad. He and his wife were planning a meet for me and I acted so stupid. Though I apologized, he doesn’t seem to be in mood to forgive and forget. I was talking to Dheeraj about the same few minutes back and he said you are too much. Seriously, am I really too much. I don’t like hurting people, especially my loved ones and friends. I was looking forward to having a really beautiful time in India, perhaps, I myself envied my enthusiasm and pushed blacken the very beginning. Well, all I can say is I am really feeling sorry about it, but relationships can never be forced. People who really know me well, knows that I am like that. I get impatient at times, I react on other things under impact of things else way, but I really care for my folks and I do not like hurting or troubling anyone.

Tomorrow evening my parents in laws leave for India, and Saturday I do with my kids. I am dead tired by now. Cleaning, packing, and meeting people who invited mom in law for socializing. Now, I want to rest….rest for longggg!!

You know, an amazing thing happened today. While I was cleaning the kitchen, I could hear Charvi sing a song, an English number but the tune was akin to my life’s first favorite song. But, as I was too exhausted, I didn’t realize at first that she was singing an English number and I was simultaneously humming the hindi one. Later, when she started talking about it saying that her teacher gave that song in the class to learn, and also told them that the hindi song was the copied one and the original tune belonged to the English song, I got to know about it. Then she said that she told her teacher that the hindi one is her mamma’s favorite song. When I heard her saying that I was really amazed to know that my daughter knew that which songs her mother likes and which is her moms favorite. It moved me and I felt quite therapeutic. Oh, my girl is so grown up now. Sharing both here..links attached.

I slept at 3 am last night, slogged throughout today and almost drained by now. But yet I am unable to sleep. Waited for so long, so patiently and now when it’s hardly a matter of one day, I am feeling very intolerant, and raring to go in a jiffy. Want to see my mom right away, want to lie down in her lap and sleep for hours together. I want to talk to her for hours, I want to eat her hand cooked food. I simply want to be home. Can’t wait , can’t wait, can’t wait…..fly me away!!

See you...good night..bye for now!

500 miles

jab koi baat bigad jaye

(259) India calling

As the day arrives closer, anxiety and excitement both are at the peak. Mixed emotions surfacing, but I am eager to be home. It feels as if I am going home after ages though its been hardly seven months that I left India.Hope to have the best time there!.Can't wait to hug my mother, and feel loved in her embrace. Missing home tooo much!! Missing India!!

(258) Flurries and Music

Weather had been quite chilling since October. Today it kept shuffling between minus 11 to minus 7 degrees I believe. Since the time my in laws came here to visit us, most often, my mother in law would go and pick up the kids from school. Today, I had to step out thrice due to one or the other reason. Around 7 in the evening, I stepped out to drop Charvi's friend midway to her home, from where her mother was supposed to pick her up. It was killing cold outside.
                              It's been a month that I enjoyed my favorite songs on loud volume, not even that, infact I hardly got time to play music in recent days. So, purposely I carried the earphones while stepping out. I dropped her and then slowed down my pace ( I have really mastered the art of speed walk in last six months in Moscow). Wow, it was emancipating! Meandering, listening to my favorite numbers, and flurries kissing me. I played two numbers, namely Tere bina jiya jaye naa and Lag ja gale ke fir ye hasin raat ho na ho...very relieving walk. Though it was a first hand such encounter here in Moscow, the feeling of Deja Vu was quite perpetual.
                               Looking forward to fulfill my dream of a stroll on a blanket snow spread!!
Good night...Wishes...Love!!


                               

(257) Lovely friend

This is a note for a darling friend Gargi who is spark spreading cheer wherever she goes. I met her today perhaps for the last time in Moscow.By the time I ll come back here from India after vacation she would have already left this place.I will miss her here. Hope to see her someday in some other part of the world. Felt so loved today after having a great evening spent with her. May god keep her happy and smiling always. Love for her....

(256) Blank

Very tiny particle I am, in this extremely large universe. Yet I feel important of myself. I feel, I am here for a reason. I am here to leave something better behind.

At times, I get too busy sorting out my own cluster in this physical world. But often, that appears too monotonous and meaningless. I seek to know more. I urge to go deep inside the unknown. I desire to unveil all that is unseen on the exterior but is so up close and open to my subconscious mind, to my inner being, to my soul. I want to explore more. I want to know the reason why I am still alive. I want to fulfill the cause of myself entering into this human corpse and then move on.

For now, and after living three decades, I understand only this that I am here to be good, kind, honest, helpful, and to empty my heart out by giving away all the love I have. Giving is joyous and contenting. I am no God, but at times I feel so detached to everything around and wish to be the reason that spread cheer to everything, every being. And other times, I become little selfish and think of only those ways that keep me sane and healthy enough to give my family, my kids the best of both worlds.

But right now, I feel blank. I have no worries though, no sorrow as such to keep me bothered, no thought rushes to tangle my senses, but I still feel ruffled.

I don’t know, what I want to know, but I know I want to know something, which I know is really important for me to know. Oh my god…what am I doing?...Setting some kinda tongue twister??..No..

See you!

(255) Feeling Positive

It dates back to the earliest memories of my life. Since then, and till date, it has happened numerous times that whenever I become extremely excited and happy about certain things in life, life surprises me with something dissimilar to the flow, something that would hamper my joy and would leave my sad. And then later, I would sulk about sad things rather than rejoicing the good things.

Growing up, I learned that this is how life is. It’s about living with accepting the blend of sorrows and delights. Agreed, and it’s quite fair. But that acceptance only remains till I do not let my feelings overrule my thoughts, to be precise,  the impact remains till my mind has its say over my heart. Once the heart rules the roost, all the practical senses give up. And that is where all the problems and dilemmas arise from.  I start feeling mediocre, less important and hand down about myself.

There is hardly anything that I had wished for and God had not been kind enough to give it to me, as far as it’s about the materialistic achievements. I may feel so also because, these so called worldly materialistic pleasures have never been my priorities or aspirations, no doubts, having them has always helped me live an enhanced and better life and I have always been grateful for it to the almighty. However, I yet at times feel deprived. Why so?..Perhaps, meaning and definition of life to me has always been little different and one of its kind when equated with that of those around me. All I want from life and my people is peace, adore, truthfulness, and an everlasting unsullied wholesome connect with people I care for.

It’s a beautiful feeling to be cared about. I am feeling overwhelmed to have experienced something so touching and gratifying. No relationship has ever remained untouched by the impact of give and take, though it has always been believed that the expectation of the same give and take, most often ruins the very relationship.

Today, my heart is full of thankfulness. And this fullness is so contenting and relieving, that in contrast I feel light like a feather in my heart. I feel really cared and loved. I feel important. And I am more than grateful for the same. May god keep my sanity and equilibrium as it is today. Good night!!

(254) Clandestine/Vociferous

Only your well wisher tells the truth even if it sounds austere at times. I am grateful to have such people in my life. No human is perfect so neither am I. I have my own set of weaknesses and enervated conducts which perhaps shields my better personality. Very well brought to my perceive by my friend, about one of my imprudent and slapdash behavior- which obviously has never been intended thus, but it has occurred sometimes and conceivably it showed me more frail personality than I may  be in real. Nothing is wrong in being fragile though, but agreeably it should not be displayed so often, or rather not in front of incorrect people. Why am I writing this?.For myself!! To keep it handy as a virtual reminder.

I usually do not answer back people and even if I do, I don’t go overboard in terms of tone and tongue. That perchance portrays me credulous. Definitely I am not astute and perspicacious when it comes to handling sarcasm, but for sure I am not an obtuse or foolish, which I think I do come across because of my brittle emotional exterior. So the lesson is….to conduct in a balance of being clandestine and being vociferous. No change occurs overnight. So make peace with it. But Mita, darling, don’t forget, it is a very important message you have been made concerned with, and you should not disregard it in any way. Rather, do your best to bring about this change in your behavior and move a step forward in being more reformed and cultivated. After all, it’s all in your personal favor.