(274) Vulnerability

However impervious you maintain your exterior being, there always remains a factor or two, which let slip your vulnerability, and unfortunately, often at the most imperfect times.

I believe I hold to myself a good level of impregnability against many whips of the unpredictable characteristics of life. Yet, as the pages unfolds, I am made to read those non descriptive tag lines by times and tides of the again so volatile life of mine.

Smoldering wishes of heart and sweltering counter antagonism of mind, creates a battle field wherein both the opponents belongs to the very one kingdom. No matter who wins, no matter who loses, if by any means there is a loss, it’s a loss of entirety.

(261) Welll...

Well...!!..Had few things to share about today's experiences. But by now, I am exhausted and you know that I hate the dry runs of my talk, so keeping them for keeps. Not sure how much time will I get in India to come online here and share things. However, will drop in on and off...bye for now!!
Dasvidaniya!

(251) You think, You get..Is it !!

I have read this and heard over and over again, that ones thoughts are so powerful that they can bring in life the thing or person aimed at. And thus follows the advice further saying.."Think Positive".

Well, off lately, I have been observing that whatever I thought I got. Could have been dangerous too,but most often it turned out pleasant. So, does it mean, that ever earlier, whenever I did not get to achieve what I wanted, I was not focused enough to support my thoughts? Or, is it ,that this phenomenon has started working for me only since, very recent times?.. I wonder,how should I feel about it. Be happy or Be remorseful...............

But again....reminder, reminder....Think Positive!!! Okkeyyyy...
I am!!

(246) Let me be optimistic about life !!!

I had something else to write about, when I logged in here. I happened to read by chance one of my recent posts on this blog. I ended it saying" whatever happens, happens for good". Yes, I believe it so. But today, my conscience is asking me again and again, is it really so, that whatever happens, happens for good. If it is so, why few things occur wrong to us after they occur. Why we do not like some event of life, when they turn out to be?. Why do we feel left out or inferior, when we do not get everything that the other one has got? Well...I think it is very much in the mind. It's very psychological. Chalo, leave it, we will take it up some other time. Mood change...will talk about something else.

Dheeraj's colleague, I think I wrote about her few days back. Everyday after work, she is out meeting friends and enjoying her life. She often tells me that Mita, go and enjoy before the summer and autumn disappears. Winters will be harsh, depressing and dark. I understand that she has lived three winters here and she knows situations better than any of us do, and hence I try to relate to what she says, but not very seriously though. Morning till now, has been a kind of pre-cap of the winters. Dark, chilly, windy, but accompanied with endless rains. Rains, you very well know, brings out the best/rather worst of me. It turns me emotional and more wanting. And today it rained mercilessly, with a backdrop of black clouds, thunders, and no sun at all. When we went out to pick up Nishka, though I took umbrella for rains, but forget to wear any warm cover, and both, Charvi and I were literally shivering. Goose bumps showing up, hair waving to winds, and face kissing the breeze. If Charvi would'nt have been with me then, I would have definitely let myself get drenched in the rains. You know, how I love to be in unison with the falling waters. Back home, served lunch, put kids to sleep, and then I sat wondering, why is it thus, that after each interval of few months, I tend to go into some kind of self criticism mode and self pity mode? Need to work on it...And that reminded me of the enriching conversation, I had with a friend over phone on Sunday. My Gyan Guru, advised me to be happy, of course, friends for that matter will always want you to be happy, right? Well...the teachings said, that I need to focus on what is here, in present and not to think or worry about past and the future, which is not in my control. And to train the mind in a way, that it learns to accept the disapproval of the time, fate and people. I may not get everything that I long for. Fair enough, I agree. But it's not that easy, if it would be, there would be no pains in the world. 

Alright, but it's not that difficult too....!!

Hmmm..okay...Further instructions said, that I should learn to respect myself, think about my happiness too and stop worrying about what others have to think, say ,believe or do...as they are not in charge of my life, but I am.

Okaayy..got it..revisiting the entire conversation mentally, I felt good and thought of having a cup of coffee. Till the time, I beat the coffee, thoughts were churning simultaneously in my mind. I thought, why is it so, that always I crib of being left alone, and of being treated unfair. Why not for a change, this time, I will agree to disagree with my pessimism, and agree to agree with the fact, that if I focus on being more optimistic and practical, in a course of time, I may becomes so. Till when, will I keep running away from the hard turns, why not face it head on, why not for once, accept that life do not work in a fixed pattern, why not just let myself flow in it's flow, why not for once, stop fighting with life and stop resisting it's natural course? Why not enjoy life as it comes?..Hmm!! What's the harm in trying?

Generally, I don't prefer giving caffeine to kids, but today, I wanted a coffee partner for sure, missing by my side, so I made two cups, one for myself and one for Charvi.

Guess what, very filmi though, the time when I decided to lit up my sun in the heart, the real sun too decided to show up.I am having my coffee right now, with the sun-rays growing up on me every minute.Time to pull the curtain down, and I am sure, pulling it down would not, in any ways, take away the sunshine. It seems, it's lit up bright enough by now.

You know what, I always want to be positive, happy and spread the same cheer in my surroundings, and I also work towards it, but I think my biggest hurdle, enemy in my path of happiness, is my expectation. I have seen, whenever I expect less or don't expect anything from the other person, I don't feel hurt, but the moment I do, I start feeling insecure. Best way is to give all that I can, and expect nothing in return. That way, I don't have to stress and wait for the returns, and if at all I get something back, it's a treat.

And.....and...I never knew, someday, my own blogpost would help me cheer up myself and remind me, that life is beautiful and too short to be unhappy.Nothing is permanent. I might have wasted so many beautiful moments of my life by thinking of something else, when they had come to meet me..and then miss them later. Similarly, I may be turning my back on the beauty of life in present, by living in past and worrying about future. I read a post on assorted mirages and felt good to know that..yes I do write some sensible stuff as well....Cheers!!!

(242) The sun will shine again

When in dilemma, I start feeling faze. Most of the arguments that my mind presents, fail to make an impact at the heart level. Now that I have lived above three decades of the present life, I have learnt enough to understand one thing very clearly, which states that nothing is forever. Be it joy, sorrow, aches, exhilarations, meticulous emotions, affections, connections, or the people you belong to and people you are fond of, nothing remains with you forever. Some hormonal imbalance I guess, that does bring the catastrophe. The debacle I go through when confronting the poignant upheaval, has always been an endeavor to sweat for. I feel vacuum, stillness, a void everywhere, in the surrounding, in other’s voice, my thoughts, my mind, my body, my breath and in the entire existence. And parallel to all, I feel equally disastrous commotion in everything in and around me. The dilemma crops up and the havoc begins right there. Uffff….!!..

I know it’s temporary. The sun will shine again and there will rise a wonderful morning. I will have hundred beautiful things to look at and feel good about. I will have numerous reasons to smile, laugh, give, share and be happy about. I will have new reasons to love myself one more day and for sure I will have more opportunities to pay back my share to this amazing world which has added its contribution in making me who I am.

(240) Beauty felt through....

The beauty of past experience is felt through memories, the beauty of present moment is felt through heart beats and the beauty of the future is felt through its element of secrecy!!

(236) Get me fresh air!

How to cope when there is only me, who beyond being an indivisible part of that whole, doesn't want to be a part of its negativity??? Pheww...!! Need boosters please..its so so so bloody negative!! Get me breathers..!! Get me fresh air!! Seems the escapade itself became a trap!! Good lord..Where are you???

(235) Everyone is loved

Uniqueness is indivisible when it’s about  individual’s sole characteristic that stand out beyond every other trait and makes him/her most lovable and precious by many or at-least one person.

I believe every individual is blessed to have that one person in life for sure who loves without reason.

May not be possible that you become the dear most one for the very person, who remains most valued to you, but you should still learn to give worth and respect to those, for whom you are the treasured one. If you can imagine and feel the pain of not being cherished, then you can also understand the feelings of those to whom you are valuable. You may not make them all the apples of your eyes, but for sure you can learn to be courteous to their adoration.

Believe me, it’s a wonderful feeling to know that you mean a life to someone. That your smile is the cause of someone’s waking up, that your happiness is something that someone never forgets to ask for in prayers, that your worries makes someone cry, that your sadness darkens someone’s day, and that your beating heart is the very reason for someone’s heart to keep beating.

And I can never be any less thankful to the almighty for sending so much of love in my life through various reasons and people, wrapped in delightful bonds and labeled with different relationships.

(233) Life is in this moment

Life is here..life is in this moment. Over and again we hear this, seldom understand. Time itself teaches this to us through various ways and yet we seldom understand. If we did realize, we would be more into living and less into making a living. Tirelessly we labor to make a living which of-course is essential, but on the way to perform this essential errand, we somewhere lose the very purpose of doing so and that is to make us live better.

We wait for one special thing to happen. We hope, we pray, we slog, we take vows and we keep waiting. The waiting seems endless and the happening of that special thing far, but soon that happens, stays for short time and the moment passes away. We aim for yet another special thing to happen and so the waiting thing again..and so on and so forth. But when does that special thing happen. It doesn’t come in one or two particular events and occurrences, it is there wrapped in every moment irrespective to whom it belongs and that is send by god, alike the blood present in every vein of our body irrespective of its location and function. We need to recognize this very simple thing that there is nothing like the special or unique moment waiting for us..it is we who make it thus with our actions. It is our people who make it thus with their presence. It is the faith within that keeps it alive. It is the trust in almighty that it does survive. It is the acceptance, approval, forgiveness and sharing of love, kindness and aid that make it the special moment.

Let us try and live in the present moment. The one from the past can never be resumed, the one belonging to future can never be called before its due…and hence whatever we have hold onto is this very moment, wherein we can choose to do what we want. Either love it, embrace it, respect it, live in it wholeheartedly, happily, filled with gratitude for experiencing it and spreading cheer to others…OR…waste it, ruin it, disgrace it by lamenting about/affixing to the past..& or worrying about the future…Choice is yours…choice is ours.

(231) Stupidity

How stupid a person can be? Is there any scale to measure stupidity?..No, I don't think so. And frankly, I don't think I have ever been so stupid and adamant as in some matters I behave. I surprise myself the way I behave at times. Putting the thoughts of ramifications on the back burner,I just proceed to do what the deepest of my heart urges, and behold, though I most often know the outcome, I still walk ahead and meet bang on the disappointment. Idiot me, huhhhh..!! 
Someday, I 'll learn..I hope! 
But, what's the point?..
Well...
Just..forget it!

(230) Lints

We people are so particular about removing the lints from our clothes. We imply any method to get rid of them. We rub them, jiggle-joggle them, get the lint remover machine, get them dry cleaned, wash them, do whatever we can to get rid of the lints, but we do not continue to wear them on ourselves along with the clothes. If nothing works, we finally get rid of the clothes themselves, but we make sure to discontinue the association with them because they trouble us...

I wonder why?..why we don't have the same approach towards the lints that we stick around our hearts? Why do we keep nurturing them and keep troubling ourselves as well as others. Lints of feeling-aches, jealousy, hatred, ego, complexes and many more like them. Why don't we just shrug them off our hearts and mind? Clean heart, clean mind will spread more cheer around and will let less lints cling to other's hearts as well. Think about it..

(227) Run through..Jan-June 2014

I hate doing that…running in a jiffy through the thoughts I want to share in detail. But after every long gap of not being here, I do the same. Don’t I? and that kills the  very soul of the feelings I had experienced while those events occurred and hence it gets printed her very dried up too. Every time this happens, I promise myself that next time..am gonna make it a  point to keep awake and jot down the important things that very night, but I again miss doing that due to so many daily commitments to life and family. And gradually, most of my thoughts either die slow death or gets forgotten by my so forgetful mind. I sat now, with a frame of mind to write every bit of things happened in last six months..but alas …my mind is too tired to recall them in series of occurrence and vocabulary giving it up to present what comes to the fore…….Still..for my own selfish motive(which I keep reiterating that I wanna keep record of these days to read when I and my memory grow old), I will again run through the events without any particular order of occurrence.

Alright….

1. · Ushered in the new years with neighbors and friends in hyderabad..thanks to Monica and Vikas(our neighbor and friend), Nandini and Hanish(other friends family)..who made it so lively that night, we were all up almost till the early morning hours.
2. ·   6^th March, things got packed and moved out of our Hyderabad home…all our friends had extended their love by asking us to stay with them that night, but I wanted to stay in that house itself, monica gave us the bedding ,water and all that we needed. Nishka was the most upset that we emptied the house, she didn’t wanted to sleep anywhere else but there, hence we stayed there. With a very heavy heart, I handed over the keys to the house owner next morning. It was Dheeraj’s last working day in Hyderabad. He left for office and me and my kids spent time with Monica and her family. Dheeraj came in the evening, picked us up..it was a very tear-filled goodbye..Khyati(monica’s elder daughter) gave me a tight hug one last time before I sat in the car, I hadn’t received that tight hug in years from anyone but nishka….We went straight to Sai mandir one last time (which was near our home and we went there every week) and then to Abhishek’s house(other friend family). Nupur and Abhishek and their kids, we all were awake till late night. Next day I left for Ahmedabad with my kids and Dheeraj flew to Mumbai….Beautiful people, friends, memories and a lovely place to live(Aparna Sarovar in Hyderabad) was left far behind…but carried along in all of our minds. Till date, every few days, Nishka asks us why we left our home in Aparna Sarovar…For her, that’s the place where all her childhood memories of till now belongs to….But the good thing is that after reaching here, we talk and see Monica and her family through viber and facetime and feel good to see them(thanks to the technology)…
3. · Though we had sold one car and a big chunk of our furniture before moving out of Hyderabad, there was still lot of stuff that needed to be tactically fitted in Ahmedabad’s house which was comparatively small. My brother’s friend would often drop in with her backpack and stay back to help me set house. Sometimes her sister and other girls too would join her. Though tiring most of the times, but the entire tenure of two months in Ahmedabad was awesome. However, I took two breaks in between to travel to Valsad and Udaipur respectively, which again filled my days with love and blessings as everyone was bidding us good bye before we had to move to Moscow. Few places in Udaipur always mesmerize me and do the recalling job and fill my heart with reminiscences. Back in Ahmedabad,  I met 7 old friends of mine after years, they were my schoolmates, college-mates, colleagues. Met so many other relatives and felt good to meet them at ease. Got to spend good time with my Research Guide Anamika mam. Nice lady she is, very intellectual and equally down to earth. Also got a chance to take a seven day library membership of IIM Ahmedabad. What an enriching experience it was to visit that place, sit amongst scholars and do the research work, hope the data collection I did in those days add up to my research work positively. Ate Pani puri to my heart’s content, though it is never enough for me, frequented Café coffe day like a second home and relished my Devil’s own and Kappi Nirvana numerous times. Well, then came the time for Dheeraj to fly, he flew on 1^st april to Moscow…and came back a month later to take us all along.
4. · Gathered sweet sour memories, enjoyed living in Ahmedabad and this time in my own home and not at mama’s house, so it was all the more fun. Thanks to all my friends , my brothers friends who came over at our place and made it lively time and again…Also a big thanks to them to tag me along in their fun toli for Holi, manek chowk night out, long drives, movies….and the hullad masti that I had long forgotten and left far behind…..
5. ·  9^th   May’2014, our marriage completed nine years…and on the same night we flew out of India. With a very heavy heart but of course hopes for a positive move, I waived a bye to all..my mother’s eyes were filled with tears but she held them back until we left her sight. Then I got to know from my brother that she cried.
6. · 10^th may 2014, we were in Moscow. For quite a many days, I felt disoriented and lost, but as soon as task started hitting my efficiency, I got more involved in setting up the house and moving around in the nearby places…things have comparatively settled down. Thankfully we have found few good Indian friends in Dheeraj’s colleagues and family. Hope to see kids settle down in school as soon as the vacation gets over here….and hope to have a peaceful stay in Moscow till the time we dwell here.
7.  And keeping the fingers crossed..i hope to achieve all that I have worked for and working for.

I know..it sounded too unfounded….however..i am glad I wrote this after all and before I could forget all this..because I am sure there still remains things unsaid but not unimportant…see you

(226) Live in the moment

We don't actually live the day we get hands on, instead we keep planning for the days to come...
and those days..the days to come...they never do come..because we still keep routing for them..and we never really live the life we are meant to live..live it in the very minute, very hour, very day......
Who knows what the next moment has in store for you?...or rather..there's no next moment for you...

(225) Amalgamation

To the depth of eccentricity and to the zenith of insanity, with the gusto to live till the alacrity to die…there flows the blood with piquancy of your love, in every single vein of this mortal house where resides my soul that covets to fly away and amalgamate in the very core of you..in the very soul of you..

(223) Time to go...Bye for now

I begin by quoting Khalil Gibran from his work ‘The Prophet’ which says- “You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”

I don’t fully agree to the above said. But yes, often I talk (for me talking is writing here) to confront the dilemmas battling in my mind about certain topic at that given point and time. Also, writing is very liberating for me. It is like unburdening my-self, it’s like talking to the unseen (not the unknowns), it’s like singing out my heart on paper, it’s like opening up, it’s like dancing on the rhythm of words on the floor of paper with pen making the music.

But, more often these days, I have found myself being unfaithful to my writing. Or rather, let me put it like this. I am not being very honest on this platform. Though earlier too, I have not been my complete self here, and as also mentioned by one of my friend reader that I keep things with their ambiguity here, nevertheless, I never tried to cover up for what I wanted to write. But now, I feel, I have started doing that, which is hurting myself more than who reads me.

So, this being the primary reason to give a halt until I resume my original panache and candor regarding my platform here, I may also quote the second reason. (The reason I am putting stress again and again on the word ‘here’, because this problem is this platform specific. I have other podium/s, where I write without being prejudiced and without the fear of being judged.) I need to develop same frankness and sincerity for this space as well.

The other reason to pull back my arms from reaching to the keyboard is very important and necessary. You will kill me for saying this, but yes I may not be able to call it out here, have reason to that too, you see. So, that is for keeps.

Excuse me....., Seems, I have kinda fell in love with the words of Khalil Gibran…pitching one more of his piece..

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

I don’t know, how long I am gonna take to come back here and talk to you all. Not sure, if I will at all stroke this space again. But yes, am definitely going to miss my writing streak, miss my talking through blogs, and would certainly want to come back here as soon as possible…….but with new vigor and vitality.Meanwhile, before shutting off, I will check and publish those drafts lying in there, written at different times but could not be put to the fore.

Don’t hammer me sweet, I really want you to read this too..again him Khalil Gibran saying-“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ….nice na..i love this one..

Also, my dearies, please excuse me, if I simply obliterate or veil these blogs sometimes.( you know na, how idiotic and dim-witted I act at times).

One last which has really touched me…(am totally in Gibran mood today you see…a fan in the following huh..!!!)…..saying this- “One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”

Lot’s and lot’s of love for reading me and supporting me.Let the new year ring in with bunches of happiness and success, peace of mind and fulfilled wishes and succeded efforts for everyone. God bless. :)

(222) Be positive

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”-Martin Luther King Jr. 

Very galvanizing and very inspiring. In a way or more, the thought can be applied to perk up the poignancy in life. It is often heard- "better said than done", but for self recuperation, the above said may better be ignored, and instead, some action need to be put in place. No peak can be climbed in a day or by a high jump, every food needs its own time to get cooked with an edible outcome. Patience is the key and faith is the force to unlock the bolt that has entrapped the joy and bliss. We need to discover them again and again whenever the need evolves.

(221) Giving up

Giving up, many a times forms a very much a part of being considerate as well. Not all understand the same, but yes it does. It also is the outcome of the adore towards someone, that the other one has to sacrifice one or many a things. And often, for producing the evidence of love, one ends up giving up the very one he loves.

(219) “You can always take a U-turn in life”

I was reading Manisha Koirala’s interview in the Times. She mentioned about having come across a sign board that read “You can always take a U-turn in life”. She talked very encouraging things and the stated about her inspiration to move on after winning over the cancer. She indeed is a strong person.

Well, when I thought about the above said read, I felt that it’s not practically possible to take a real U turn in life for most of the things occurred. But yes, definitely it can be practiced for those paths which had left us with creating happiness for others and thereby for ourselves…we can certainly try and lead more positive life on the basis of all the good things we did in past and of all the good things happened to us in the years gone by. Worth giving a try!

(214) Plan or no plan

Knowing so well that life is most unpredictable, we keep planning things. Not sure of even the nearest next moment and the events that it will bring, we lay out maps for whole life. Ironically, the life led with plans is called the best lived, and in reality things never come out according to ones plannings. Often I contradict my email signing off statement(which says-"failing to plan is planning to fail"). I had chosen it when I was very ambitious career oriented girl,and all I could think then was to grow grow and grow in my career giving my best and hard work. Though the statement still remained with me, but its meaning have changed invariably. It seems that nothing actually works according to what you think, hope, wish for and act about. Everything occurs by law of nature and order of sequence predetermined. Yet, when I think like a parent, I still plan things for my kids and their future and try and put all effort to make them successful. And again, when life presents itself with good and bad surprises alteratively, I comeback on my knees knelt before the unseen power called Almighty, at times thanking him and at times asking him, why?

(210) Mind-it fascinates me

There’s much more to the meaning of ‘Mind’ than those explicitly placed in dictionaries, spreading from intellect, care, demur, heed, awareness, tend, opinion to psyche. Most powerful widget I say, had been, is and will be- ‘The Mind’.

It quakes up the most rooted person and surprisingly it does fasten the same person to the grounds most rigidly at a different time. It travels million miles in a moment and sometimes is not accessible even in the closest nearby’s. Amazing the thing called ‘Mind’ is. I meet, exchange pleasantries and come back within split moments with those people, whom I believe, I would, perhaps never happen to convene in the present life. It startles me to even think how effortlessly I barter dialogues with people, any time I wish, those inhabiting in parts of the world far away from me, and sometimes without even out of their knowledge and often passing across my message through this wonderful mind. Oh..you call it telepathy…uh huh…

Mind…..its abilities fascinates me….