(271)Expectation-No expectation

Read and heard several times that pain or hurt in any relationship is the outcome of the expectations from one another. And I have experienced it myself too. But at times, the hurt is the outcome of the smartness one person plays on with the other. Here the hurt is not because the other did not do what one expected but it is because the other did what the one did not expect!!

(270) Another day gone by

My eyes are burning , back -neck hurting and they all want to lay at rest. I have pile of dried clothes hanging there to be folded and ironed. Dishes to be done and I am way behind my cleaning schedule today. Have been running places since morning. Reached home around 9pm, put kids to bed and wondering where do I start from to clean up the mess lying all around, as I am a proven OCD person who cannot bear the filth even for a second. And yet, I am clueless while am I still lying on the heap of undone chores. Dheeraj will be back tomorrow night from his official Turkey trip and I hope I put things in place before that.

I guess I have taken too many things at a time on my hand. Music class, art class, gatherings besides my usual duties and chores and shopping and kids drops and pickups and attending several other hiccups. I guess I am overloaded.

I need a break. I need a break from everything I suppose. But, I know that’s not possible. I wonder at times why do get into the web of fulfilling duties, expectations, responsibilities, and blah blah activities.

Recently, I came across a statement by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar G wherein he said that “IF EVERYTHING APPEARS MEANINGLESS THEN CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU! YOU HAVE STARTED ON THE PATH. THIS IS THE FIRST SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE OF WAKING UP”. Off lately I often get this feeling that I am done with this usual routine societal living and all, either I should be called for the holy abode or I should be given with the understanding of purpose of my life. I hope I find more meaning to my existence. I guess, it sounds too pessimistic and perhaps I appear as a loser but believe me it is not thus. I want to do thousand things for my kids, want to be kind enough to my husband in return to what all he has done for all of us, do numerous great things for my extended families, my parents, my siblings, my friends and for the society on whole. I really want to add some value to the society before I leave. But don’t know why at times, I feel exhausted and done up with this usual breathing in and out besides the mundane chores.

Well, with a hope to feel revitalized by tomorrow morning, I call it a day. Have a blessed life you all..!

Lotsa love…

(269) Two gentlemen in Hyderabad, Riga-Women's trip, Maa's demise, other episodes

The more I delay, the further I get away from the essence of the matter I always wish to write here. I guess, every time I feel the urge to come here blogging and interact with you, I should do it in the nearest possible time to avoid killing the spirit of the write up on the whole.

Anyways, as usual, life kept me on the tenterhooks for various reasons. Not that I never got an opportunity to show up here, but at times, either physical strength gave away or the mental pull waded off.

But, I am here back again. For how long, I donno. Felt quite aloof, so thought of connecting here through.

Things I promised I’ll talk about, I’ll try and jot them down here, but apologetically in a comparably arid form….bear with me.

(1)    During Hyderabad Visit (Jan 18-Jan20, 2015)

Besides meeting lovely friends and working on collection of data for my research, I experienced two unusual things.

(a)One gentleman Mr. Giri, to whom we had sold our Verna car before leaving India, had out of friendly gesture promised us that whenever we visited Hyderabad in future, we could always count upon him for the car, and till we stayed there, our sold out car(now in his possession) would be ours. Well, I had completely forgotten this conversation, until I realized on my visit there that this gentleman actually kept his words. I reached Hyderabad late night and had put up at a friend’s place. Next morning there was this gentleman’s driver with our Verna waiting to take me to various company visits. For two days, the car and the driver were at my disposal. Interestingly, few of the company visits too were arranged by this very gentleman. And when I asked him the amount I owed for the driver and the car expense, he said, “ complete your research successfully and as soon as possible”. Well, whatever small gifts I gave to the driver and sent for Mr. Giri as a gesture of heartfelt thanks, the kind endeavor delivered from his end will never be paid off, unless and until I successfully finish my research and complete my Phd.

(b) Similarly, another gentleman who resided in the complex where we lived before moving out of Hyderabad, also came as a surprise supporter I had not expected. We had met only twice during our tenure in Hyderabad for the changing of house, hence I had his number and still when I called him to ask for his wife’s number to further help me in data collection, he extended help in a way i had not imagined. He messaged me his ID and password for his login to that complex online forum where people interacted on a daily basis for various complex related and other issues. He insisted I used his id and posted my questionnaire on his behalf to the entire community as there were ample number of IT people residing in that complex. I urged I won’t be using anyone’s ID and password, but he maintained his stand and said this is the least he could do to help take my research further (when he himself was travelling out of Hyderabad) and would be very happy to see me complete it as soon as possible.

I may not have sounded too poignant while narrating all of the above right now, as it’s been a long time, but believe me, the feel of gratitude towards both the gentlemen is beyond explainable words and say. May god bless them enough and help me achieve success in my research.

(2)    March ..International woman’s day 7^th to 9^th march

I travelled to Riga with two other female friends Prajakta and Fabiola, leaving kids and hubby back in Moscow. It was a three day affair to Riga, Latvia to celebrate women’s day. It was a very different experience and ended with few good lessons learnt. Well, it would have been better if I had written about it the moment I was back, but now I can only conclude saying that, though it was a beautiful experience, my craving for the solo holiday still remains intact. I hope I soon get the chance to go on my solo trip.

(3)    Maa ( my grandmother, my dadi…left us forever on 16^th March)

It was a very painful phase, to get the news of my grandmother’s demise, trying hard to buy tickets in a way that would land me in India before the funeral, not getting them, my parents denying me to be there later on, as anyways I wouldn’t have seen my grand mom and here kids were due for final exams, and then listening to my dad’s worn out voice every single day thereafter. I asked my siblings to share the pictures of all the rituals taking place there. It was heartbreaking to see my father’s hopeless face and mother’s exhausted exterior. I wish I could be there with them, but thankfully my family, my brother, sister in laws and other relatives took care of my parents enough to help them pass that difficult phase. Though my father says he is okay now, but I can still feel the void in his voice. Cannot wait to see my mom and dad here in Moscow. They are visiting us in June. I hope we can give them a memorable time and stay here. I love you mummy and papa more than you can ever imagine.

(4)    Various Episodes (Jan to April)

As usual, some lovely people made it to successfully hurt me, and I have to be greatly thankful to my emotive and sensitive nature for letting them get that joy. Nevertheless, yes my dear, I still am the same, I chose to forgive, forget and move on. Though I often bump into few of them, some indescribably complicated women, some extraordinarily smart asses, and some incredibly brainy shitty people, I yet  sustain to act with my best possible sanity and come back home not entirely devastated. I often ask Dheeraj this question and then answer it myself, “why Lord landed us in Moscow?”..”I guess because he wants to make me emotionally strong person”.

Well, all said and done, everyday here is a new lesson and I am trying my best to collect the finest messages from the life occurrences here.

Meanwhile, we took a short trip to Prague and Germany. I am sure, you would agree, that it’s always a value addition of knowledge and experience when you travel to different places.

I joined classes to learn Indian Classical (vocal).  I really wasn’t keen on sharing this news here as I wanted to learn enough and showcase it myself someday, however I am still saying this because I want you to know that I am very happy about my decision of learning music. The teacher may leave for India soon, but I intend to learn as much as possible from her before she leaves. Keep sending those lovely wishes, I need them.

As I have always been fascinated by Indian armed forces and events and organization attached with them, it was kind of a dream coming true when I got an opportunity to become a member of Indian Women’s Association here in Moscow. Unlike AWA, AFWA in India, where only officer’s and soldiers wives gets an opportunity to join, here after the wives of armed forces officer’s and external affair/ ministry officer’s wives have accumulated the seats, if there’s possibility of accommodating more, they welcome the other Indian women to be a part of their group. I was lucky enough to have been chosen by ambassador’s wife to be given a membership in mid year, which generally is offered only in September every year. Hopefully the stint with them will be a joyous and memorable experience. I also joined their Art  club. Looking forward to learning times.

Above all, though I have successfully compiled the collected research data and taken it further for analysis, sadly, I still lag behind on the thesis front. A lot to be done on that part, I really need someone to push me hard and lock me down in the zone, wherein I don’t think of anything but my thesis. Aaahhhhhhhh…………….I really need that push. Send some motivational vibes.

Dheeraj was out to Dubai for 8 days this month and I had decided to utilize that time for my studies, but you know what….not a single day..I got time to stay home enough to do any qualitative work. I was out with friends, shopping, gathering and doing no useful stuff most of the time.

I hope I do some value loaded work on my thesis before my parents visits me. I want to spend quality time with them. I want to cook my father’s favorite dishes, I want to take my mom shopping and buy her beautiful things. I want them to smile every single day they are here. I want my daughters to have a blast with their Nana-Nani, the way they enjoyed with their Dada-Dadi in November last year. I really want to make the most of their stay and want to earn many more memories with my parents.

About me, Yes, I have changed a bit. For good or bad, I don’t know. But definitely, I am not the same person I had come from India. At times, I feel I have given leverage to certain people more than what I should have actually granted, but you know, that very process of letting talked about at the cost of some inner hurts, somehow has helped me cure the disgruntled child within me. It has also thrown some light on those faces of mine, which perhaps, knowingly or unknowingly, I have been choosing to hide away from. I also got to hear few valuable opinions about myself from some close friends and well wishers here.

I know, I have a long way to go. I am told that I am not made for this times, I should have been born a generation before, I am too naïve and too fragile to deal with the cruelties and smartness of these era. Well, If forgiving people too early, not talking bad about others too often, not breaking the face of the person making fun of you, not answering tit for tat then and there, and not finding the selfish benefits in each and every transaction is called being naïve, then I think I would still choose to remain naïve. I know whatever I was told, was told with a good intention and I do not intend to answer that back in a rude way, but what I am trying to say is a simple thing, that I am okay being not so smart, because cruel smartness would rob me off my inner peace.

(5)    Moscow weather

Moscow weather is acting real dumb. It should have been a beautiful springtime by now, but guess what, it snowed four days back, it rained on and off, and it is still raining outside. It is so bloody gloomy, dark, cloudy, and depressing. But, I think I chose the right therapy, thankfully I chose to have a lengthy talk with you right now right here. Feeling quite unstressed and although there still remains a lot of things I would have loved to talk about, I need to draw it out here for this post, because there’s a beautiful poem I have been writing in my mind since a while and which needs to be scripted down on blog, before it gets erased like numerous earlier ones.

Lots of Love…..Mita

(258) Flurries and Music

Weather had been quite chilling since October. Today it kept shuffling between minus 11 to minus 7 degrees I believe. Since the time my in laws came here to visit us, most often, my mother in law would go and pick up the kids from school. Today, I had to step out thrice due to one or the other reason. Around 7 in the evening, I stepped out to drop Charvi's friend midway to her home, from where her mother was supposed to pick her up. It was killing cold outside.
                              It's been a month that I enjoyed my favorite songs on loud volume, not even that, infact I hardly got time to play music in recent days. So, purposely I carried the earphones while stepping out. I dropped her and then slowed down my pace ( I have really mastered the art of speed walk in last six months in Moscow). Wow, it was emancipating! Meandering, listening to my favorite numbers, and flurries kissing me. I played two numbers, namely Tere bina jiya jaye naa and Lag ja gale ke fir ye hasin raat ho na ho...very relieving walk. Though it was a first hand such encounter here in Moscow, the feeling of Deja Vu was quite perpetual.
                               Looking forward to fulfill my dream of a stroll on a blanket snow spread!!
Good night...Wishes...Love!!


                               

(257) Lovely friend

This is a note for a darling friend Gargi who is spark spreading cheer wherever she goes. I met her today perhaps for the last time in Moscow.By the time I ll come back here from India after vacation she would have already left this place.I will miss her here. Hope to see her someday in some other part of the world. Felt so loved today after having a great evening spent with her. May god keep her happy and smiling always. Love for her....

(252) Weird post it is!!

She doesn't hold the key to the lock. In fact she doesn't even know, for that matter, what the key is supposed to look like. So,is she that big a dumb?.No!!! Not at all, she is quite a bunch of intellect. But then, do the intellects behave thus. No na..May be I mistook her to be smart.May be she is just as good in pretending someone that she is not, as I am at defending what I am. Am I not supposed to be myself?..I think I should always be myself. That's how I feel the most me and most alive.Other any which ways I feel a dead being in living flesh. So, am I wronged out then. Well.....this is gonna be a real messy thing I suppose. Why but? Why messy...Did I harm anyone whosoever any way till date? No...never!! Right..so what the hell with this crap and dung being thrown at here. Barricade self darling, barricade! Hmm...Right. You know what! It's just one more learning for a stupid little dumbo writing this.Ha ha ha..!!!Funny, is it!!..May be..on one note,may be not,,on another!..But cares who, me and you(that's me again)! Then..its midnight sweetheart...cut the crap here,,,and hit the sack.Long day ahead...And stop writing these un-important things..cos may be such un-witty occurence may happen every other day....Moscow calling is it!!..Na na.....indians in moscow u say!!
Well.....not every one is the same!..So ignore the ignorant, embrace the deserving!!

And who is She????...Oh well.....rule of the blog...we don't generally name them... who are either being referred with lotsa love or least(none) of it!!!I am dead for now...Good night!

(246) Let me be optimistic about life !!!

I had something else to write about, when I logged in here. I happened to read by chance one of my recent posts on this blog. I ended it saying" whatever happens, happens for good". Yes, I believe it so. But today, my conscience is asking me again and again, is it really so, that whatever happens, happens for good. If it is so, why few things occur wrong to us after they occur. Why we do not like some event of life, when they turn out to be?. Why do we feel left out or inferior, when we do not get everything that the other one has got? Well...I think it is very much in the mind. It's very psychological. Chalo, leave it, we will take it up some other time. Mood change...will talk about something else.

Dheeraj's colleague, I think I wrote about her few days back. Everyday after work, she is out meeting friends and enjoying her life. She often tells me that Mita, go and enjoy before the summer and autumn disappears. Winters will be harsh, depressing and dark. I understand that she has lived three winters here and she knows situations better than any of us do, and hence I try to relate to what she says, but not very seriously though. Morning till now, has been a kind of pre-cap of the winters. Dark, chilly, windy, but accompanied with endless rains. Rains, you very well know, brings out the best/rather worst of me. It turns me emotional and more wanting. And today it rained mercilessly, with a backdrop of black clouds, thunders, and no sun at all. When we went out to pick up Nishka, though I took umbrella for rains, but forget to wear any warm cover, and both, Charvi and I were literally shivering. Goose bumps showing up, hair waving to winds, and face kissing the breeze. If Charvi would'nt have been with me then, I would have definitely let myself get drenched in the rains. You know, how I love to be in unison with the falling waters. Back home, served lunch, put kids to sleep, and then I sat wondering, why is it thus, that after each interval of few months, I tend to go into some kind of self criticism mode and self pity mode? Need to work on it...And that reminded me of the enriching conversation, I had with a friend over phone on Sunday. My Gyan Guru, advised me to be happy, of course, friends for that matter will always want you to be happy, right? Well...the teachings said, that I need to focus on what is here, in present and not to think or worry about past and the future, which is not in my control. And to train the mind in a way, that it learns to accept the disapproval of the time, fate and people. I may not get everything that I long for. Fair enough, I agree. But it's not that easy, if it would be, there would be no pains in the world. 

Alright, but it's not that difficult too....!!

Hmmm..okay...Further instructions said, that I should learn to respect myself, think about my happiness too and stop worrying about what others have to think, say ,believe or do...as they are not in charge of my life, but I am.

Okaayy..got it..revisiting the entire conversation mentally, I felt good and thought of having a cup of coffee. Till the time, I beat the coffee, thoughts were churning simultaneously in my mind. I thought, why is it so, that always I crib of being left alone, and of being treated unfair. Why not for a change, this time, I will agree to disagree with my pessimism, and agree to agree with the fact, that if I focus on being more optimistic and practical, in a course of time, I may becomes so. Till when, will I keep running away from the hard turns, why not face it head on, why not for once, accept that life do not work in a fixed pattern, why not just let myself flow in it's flow, why not for once, stop fighting with life and stop resisting it's natural course? Why not enjoy life as it comes?..Hmm!! What's the harm in trying?

Generally, I don't prefer giving caffeine to kids, but today, I wanted a coffee partner for sure, missing by my side, so I made two cups, one for myself and one for Charvi.

Guess what, very filmi though, the time when I decided to lit up my sun in the heart, the real sun too decided to show up.I am having my coffee right now, with the sun-rays growing up on me every minute.Time to pull the curtain down, and I am sure, pulling it down would not, in any ways, take away the sunshine. It seems, it's lit up bright enough by now.

You know what, I always want to be positive, happy and spread the same cheer in my surroundings, and I also work towards it, but I think my biggest hurdle, enemy in my path of happiness, is my expectation. I have seen, whenever I expect less or don't expect anything from the other person, I don't feel hurt, but the moment I do, I start feeling insecure. Best way is to give all that I can, and expect nothing in return. That way, I don't have to stress and wait for the returns, and if at all I get something back, it's a treat.

And.....and...I never knew, someday, my own blogpost would help me cheer up myself and remind me, that life is beautiful and too short to be unhappy.Nothing is permanent. I might have wasted so many beautiful moments of my life by thinking of something else, when they had come to meet me..and then miss them later. Similarly, I may be turning my back on the beauty of life in present, by living in past and worrying about future. I read a post on assorted mirages and felt good to know that..yes I do write some sensible stuff as well....Cheers!!!

(242) The sun will shine again

When in dilemma, I start feeling faze. Most of the arguments that my mind presents, fail to make an impact at the heart level. Now that I have lived above three decades of the present life, I have learnt enough to understand one thing very clearly, which states that nothing is forever. Be it joy, sorrow, aches, exhilarations, meticulous emotions, affections, connections, or the people you belong to and people you are fond of, nothing remains with you forever. Some hormonal imbalance I guess, that does bring the catastrophe. The debacle I go through when confronting the poignant upheaval, has always been an endeavor to sweat for. I feel vacuum, stillness, a void everywhere, in the surrounding, in other’s voice, my thoughts, my mind, my body, my breath and in the entire existence. And parallel to all, I feel equally disastrous commotion in everything in and around me. The dilemma crops up and the havoc begins right there. Uffff….!!..

I know it’s temporary. The sun will shine again and there will rise a wonderful morning. I will have hundred beautiful things to look at and feel good about. I will have numerous reasons to smile, laugh, give, share and be happy about. I will have new reasons to love myself one more day and for sure I will have more opportunities to pay back my share to this amazing world which has added its contribution in making me who I am.

(239) Uffff!!..This new generation!!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Last Sunday(10th August), Dheeraj went shopping and I took kids to the fountain park where other lady too, was visiting with her kids. We gathered there ,I sat with her chatting and kids started playing. After sometime, Charvi came to me and pointing towards a boy whom I could not locate, said, “mumma that boy patted me on my back and said I love you”. In shock and surprise, I asked her to repeat and when she did that loud, it was already heard by people nearby. I asked Charvi to ignore him and go and play with her friends again. But the other lady, insisted her to say the same thing again and then laughed off the entire thing saying, “ how sweet”…I paused her there and said in a firm tone, “no, it’s not sweet or funny”. I didn’t wanted Charvi to think about it either very seriously or very lightly. Though I assured her that if I see that boy again or his parent, I’ll speak to them.

As She is growing up,I had been teaching Charvi about good and bad touch, general acceptable and non acceptable gestures by others, but never ever thought of discussing something like how to respond when someone says I love you. Because till now, this is said only by family members to her and she responds back akin. Well, her worried reaction to the boy’s words could be because of the television exposure and my strict behavior. Although I am a very observant and vigilant mother, I have given them very selective and restricted access to watching television or cinema stuff, but still this generation you bet, is far beyond our calculations and imaginations. Am sure she thought it was bad for a guy to say something like this to a girl and that’s why she complained about it. It’s a deal between me and my kids, that everything happening with them throughout the day will be shared with me or their father or with both of us.

Would be too early to explain Charvi, what exactly the words “ I love you” means and what importance it holds in life when said to a girl by a boy. I presume, many years to go for her to take this education. Rest toh, god know well! Although I am pretty sure, time will teach her lots of stuff in its own way, but definitely, I will be there as her mentor, friend to help her understand the difference between good and bad. To decide will be her onus.

After about an hour or so, my friend left the park for home, and I sat there waiting for Dheeraj to join us and then head together home. Charvi came to me again and said, “mumma, that boy came and said sorry, I will never say or do such a thing to anyone else or you ever again”…well, I turned curious this time and wanted to see that boy for sure and successfully I could get a sight of him. I waited for a while to let him come nearby and them I waved him a hand to call close. He came to me and this is how further conversation took place…

Me: Hi

Him: Hi

Me: So, you were saying something to her(I pointed towards Charvi)

Him: Nope

Me: Nope, I think you said something a while ago..!!

Him: Oh..Ohh. dat..yup..well…yes I said.. I love you

Me: okay, so do you know what does that mean?

Him: Pretty much, yes I know, but I said sorry to her, I won’t say that again

Me: fair enough, but why did you say that in first place?

Him: Welllll..(with full on expression and assertion through hands and pointing towards charvi)…look at her, just look at her, she is so pretty!!

Me: Ahaa,, you think so?

Him: Of course, I do, don’t you?

Me: ( I was already amazed at the confidence of this young little boy, by  now got pretty sure, he had been watching a lot of television)… Yes..I do, I know she is pretty.

Him: But I said sorry..

Me: Alright,Ok..well…are you from Moscow, Russia..are you Russian?

Him: yes I am

Me: you speak good English, people here don’t

Him: oh yea…my father wanted me to learn English, he taught me a lot, and I do practice even now

Me: so how old are you?

Him: I ll be turning seven, I mean almost seven..tomorrow is my birthday, would you like to join in?

Me: (hmmm!!)…No, not really!!

Him: I can tell you the way to my home. (and he explained the entire route map to me with all the Russian names which I just cannot remember)….There are two grandmothers and two grandfathers at home. They would love to meet you and her (he meant Charvi, but he didn’t know the name and even I didn't ask his name)

Me: So, your parents are here with you right now?

Him: No, only my mom, my dad doesn't live with us?

Me: Okey, so where does he live?

Him: He left us to live with another woman.

Me: (His acceptance with facts of life left me stunned)..okey..am sorry about that.

Him: Don’t be, we are looking for another dad, hopefully we should get one.

Me: (ohhoo..i thought, he is so clear and crisp on his plans)..So you have siblings to play with?

Him: I have few brothers and sisters, but they don’t live with us, they are my father’s children, donno how he got them, may be his another wife gifted him.

Me: (By now, I had started feeling really bad for this cute little boy…didn’t know whether and how to carry on or stop the conversation) okkey…don’t worry, you have two pairs of grandparents to play with, cheer up and celebrate your birthday tomorrow with fun and laughter.

Him: ohh no no no…they don’t play with me, they make me do their stuff..oh how tiring that becomes at times. Never mind, thanks for your wishes. I would like you to join in please with her (Charvi ) ofcourse!

Me: Sorry dear, we have some other things scheduled up, may be some other time!

Him: Alright , I think it’s time to goo…see there’s my mom calling me, oh my god..now she’s gonna scold me again (may be she scolded him earlier too for saying those things)!!

Me: yup, bye..tc

Him: will see you again in this park someday if my mom wishes to have supper at khachapuri..bye for now!!

Hmmmmm..!!!! Didn’t understand, if it was the outcome of the culture and the fashion in which the boy was brought up, or it was an exception that such a young boy was so confident and eloquent about small and big things of life. I know, unlike India, things here are quite frank and open right from the childhood, but as I had never encountered such conversation with a child his age earlier, the experience left me speechless.

Well…..time to polish the lessons it seems, need to educate my darling a little more than what I thought was enough given that she just turned eight.

On the other hand, a vague thought chuckled me up…though the thought is completely baseless and even more funnier..but still lemme share it …I was 13 when I first heard, “ I love you” from a guy..and my sweetheart didn't even turn 8 by that day and such quandries….Uffff!!!....This generation, I tell you!!  Toooo much!!

(236) Get me fresh air!

How to cope when there is only me, who beyond being an indivisible part of that whole, doesn't want to be a part of its negativity??? Pheww...!! Need boosters please..its so so so bloody negative!! Get me breathers..!! Get me fresh air!! Seems the escapade itself became a trap!! Good lord..Where are you???

(234) Oh yes..! I am good!

Perhaps the lengthiest post! Not sure about it though..but definitely needs a good time of yours, so read when you can read it till the end. Scroll down and decide the time when you would want to read!

This post has been in tow since first week of July. And it kept altering its structure in my mind with every new incident adding up in days that followed, and somehow each fitted well in the context that this post contained. Well, this led to change the post entirely in the end result, although the idea behind writing it up remained unbothered. Yes, I am actually confused what to start with, so many things rushing through mind and only two hands not able to accommodate them through the keyboard. Hope I do not miss out anything, as I hardly go back and edit the posts. Only when I read them after shooting, I often realize the missing links, but lazy me..don’t edit them ahead.

Alright, here we go…

Though people say it’s not good to live life according to other’s opinions and it best be lived by our own good judgment, we often find ourselves trapped in the ambush of the believes and views of others about us and tend to look at ourselves through their eyes, and not always but often we accept that very image of ourselves to be true. And for that matter it stands true, regardless of the opinion being negative or positive. The influence remains so strong on our minds, that we cease to look at ourselves in other light and gradually we stamp that very image of ours as the irrevocable one. If it’s positive, we carry a danger of being one swollen with pride if not kept checked, and if it’s negative, we run with a risk of falling in the dismal pit of unenthusiastic living and contrite attitude towards self and others.

So, either ways, it doesn’t do much of good to be too reliant on other’s views to live our lives. Listen, evaluate, and be rationale in letting other’s words impact you and your thoughts. It’s not utterly harmful to give a ear to what others have to say, but it is definitely not the best idea to be a cerebrally dead follower of other’s analysis about your own life.

I have been a person at times who, well honestly, most of the times, who gets severely crashed down by the words and thoughts that others have to say in verdict about me. And often they end up to be the people closest to my heart. Not that others don’t enjoy disorienting me, but people whom I give the access to the innermost domes of my being, have time and again satiated their self-esteem by telling me that I am not good a person that I pretend to be(and be rest assured…I never pretend). And mostly, such things happen when I fall at cross angles with such sweethearts, my loving people and because they do not find better ways to hurt me back, they try to prove me unworthy of their adoring showers. I have never ceased to love them, but of course, their views about me have nailed my soul innumerable times and my heart bleeds each time I try to pull out the rusting nails. I have no ill feelings for anyone who have ever understood me wrong or tried to verify me less good, as far as they are my loved ones. And believe me, there is no dearth of such darlings. Right from my closest family to extended, closest friends to new ones, and people very special..all have taken their turns to bring out the salty water from my eyes. And who doesn’t face similar situations in their lives! I am sure you all too would have more than at times experienced this. Difference is just this, that the altitude of impact varies from person to person depending upon his/her own attitude towards such behaviors and the level of importance he/she gives to those acting thus to them. And as you know me, emotionally weak person, I often fall victim to these strikes and harm my own image to believe it to be true. Not that I do not welcome feedback. I do it honestly and accept the constructive feedback wholeheartedly when it is coming from the revered people. The only wrong thing, I do at times is overindulging in the criticism when done, and I shun myself the harshest way, which is not healthy for the mental and emotional status.

I know, you are thinking what is she really all upto..and what is the real intent behind writing all this. I know, I kind of dragged it a bit more above, but it still seems half written. However, I am not going to print a word more about the mentioned thought and rather come to the next point.

Opinions often leave me disturbed. And when revisited in thoughts, they hurt me and raise self doubt about my kindness and righteousness.

First week of July had been quite an aggravating one and things hit me deep, to learn that I may not be a very important person for people who are important to me. Well, one night that week I happen to find my best friend from secondary school till date (Mita, who now lives in Canada) online, and we chatted for good hours. In the conversation, came up the topic of her mother’s sad and accidental death and how after putting in all the efforts I could-besides being medically unfit, could not get a last glimpse of her mom (I told you about this long back). Then she shared few links and I saw her mother’s funeral videos on you tube. I did not sleep that night, cried every minute till sun showed up. She had told me that night that she needed me the most when her mother left and I was not there. I still regret my incapability for reaching there in time. But her love for me found to be unchanged despite all those silent months we waited for each other’s words.

Next week, 10^th July, day rushed through as usual with all the things to do by self here. It was about 10 pm, after serving dinner, milk and doing up the dishes, I wanted to retire for the day. I took the phone and rested my back to check if someone had dropped in. The message in watsapp read, ‘Hi Mita”. It was from Deepti, Deepti you remember, my close friend from Pune, about whom I had written through a post in 2011. Well, a short re-intro..who was my next door neighbor and we shared our food, joys and sorrows almost every-day, and continued doing that virtually when she moved into her new home and we moved to Hyderabad-her native place. We continued meeting every time possible during her visits to Hyderabad. In 2012, her father was diagnosed with lung cancer, got treated by Asia’s best doctor(they are amongst the richest in Hyderabad, so money was never an issue),but who can challenge the destiny. After being declared safe after successfully operated, he fell victim to fate and caught the disease again. Money ran like water of their home and so did the time. Her visits to Hyderabad increased and her worries multiplied. Though now we could not meet every time she visited, but we were constantly on phone and I made sure to check on her father’s health at the interval of 10/15 days even after I moved to Moscow.

That night, when I read her message, I typed. “hi deepti” and before I could type and send my second buzz asking “how is uncle doing”..beeped in her words, “dad passed away this morning”. I erased my words and paused for some seconds thinking what to write. We chatted for few minutes, I tried to console her in best possible way and asked for her permission if I could call her. She denied saying she won’t be able to talk. I agreed and we both stopped there for that night. Being lost in thoughts for quite some time, I realized what I meant to deepti. She had her brother, sister, sister in law, husband by her side during the second big misfortune of her life(first being losing her mother to cancer some years back), and yet she wanted me to be a part of her grief. Who would otherwise message a friend miles apart on the very day of her father’s death? When we were together, she often shared her feelings of cherished joys and personal pains and I could read in her eyes always the level of affection she held for me. The feeling remained mutual. I can never forget how beautifully she surprised me with a baby shower during my second pregnancy when I was feeling very low. The way she worked so hard to make success the cradle ceremony of Nishka, overwhelms me even today. The way she made me feel important, every other occasion by introducing me as a part of her family. And indeed her message reflected the same reverence she always portrayed for me. Her pain, her loneliness, her helplessness could be felt in her words that she wrote in our exchange. I again cried that night so much so that I could hardly sleep for a minute. Her urgency to make me a part of her misery and urging through an unvoiced appeal of assertion from my side that I am with her, stamped the fact that I may not be really in the good books of some people, but I definitely am not that appalling a person that sometimes people try to prove. I am for sure a person worthy enough to reside in better corners of others heart.

Came 17^th and it was Nishka’s first day of school in Moscow. Back to back travelling kept Dheeraj away and it loaded me with added responsibilities of travelling 20 plus kilometers with two kids, getting her admission done and staying back at school to make sure she didn’t cry much the first few days. And as both kids remains dad’s pets, it becomes more difficult to handle their dad pangs every evening. And that day was no different right from the beginning. Promising her that I’ll stay right in front of her school, Charvi and I entered the park opposite to Nishka’s school. We sat there and I looked at my watch to remind my mind that it was not less than five more hours that we would start towards home. I had taken along lunch box for both of us. There came an Indian lady with three other Indian friends, all of them were mothers to kids studying in the same school. Introduction session happened and women took their way to home, except the one who had come first to me. She asked me what was I going to do next. I told her we would be sitting here waiting. She then told why would you do that when I am her? And I was like hmmm…didn’t know what to say at her confident gesture. I politely denied her offer and requested her to move on. ‘no ways’, she said and in a manner as if she was commanding me -though with love, asked me again to hurry up as she had lots of cleaning waiting at home. She rejected all my reasoning and pleadings and took me and Charvi to her house, let’s say sweet forcefully. There was one more lady who was like me and had to keep waiting for her son who too was a new admission. She too was tagged along in the same way we were. We all reached her home which was on fourth floor of the building above school. She treated us as if we were her old friends from school. She quickly made lunch for all of us and ordered me again not to open my lunch box. I did open and we all shared and ate the food. That experience again pierced my heart with her goodness and the affection she showered on me, assured me again, that good begets good. Next day too…she left me with no choice and took me home, and talked to me in a way as if she knew me from ages. The way she spoke her heart out to me only in the second meeting reminded me of the words my husband had told me only a few days ago.

One night when he came back from official dine out, the moment he entered home he said, “ you have a very magnetic personality, very charismatic, something has to do with your aura that people like you so much”. I asked him if he was alright or was the vodka doing all the talking (though he never gets drunk enough to talk admiration). He said that many were asking about you today during the dinner and I could feel from their faces that they were so very positive about you( I had met his colleagues and their families at a dinner party a  week before). Though I had not taken his words seriously that night, but when this stranger generous lady treated me with so much kindness, the hurts of not being understood by some people got medicated to an extent and I believed what he had said.

Don’t raise your brows in sarcasm and tell me, “Why the hell do you need to prove that you are good? If you are, it will show”. I know, I very well know, that your action speaks for you. But right now, I am only in mood to remind it to myself that though I may not be the best but I am good, and at times, even reactions speak for you.

That very evening I happen to meet another lady whom I was supposed to meet for a short while, and we ended up talking for 4 hours and the way she treated me and my kids, inverted my faith far from being self doubting and pessimistic. As if God was in full swing to tell me that yes, there are people who love me, care for me and it’s not always me who does that to others. I am not always at the giving end…I do stand at the receiving end too.

The same evening 17^th, Malaysian flight was shot down in Ukraine, and dheeraj being there that time, and because being known by many people of his travel, I was loaded with queries of his being safe there due to the possibilities of riots outbreak. Amongst all, there was one message which though was intended to check on him, but also included my well fare in a way that made me numb for moments and I realized once again that I am significant.

No, don’t you even think that sitting there. I am in no self boasting mode or mood. I already told that it’s just a reminder to self about self significance. And you know, someday down again, when I would feel such low (knowing me, which I am sure I would), would refer to this post again to buck up myself.

Last but definitely not the least, (too old fashioned is it!) Sorry, couldn’t find a better line. Alright, this evening when again it became tough for me to handle Nishka’s ‘I want daddy’ jingle, I felt too helpless for her more than for myself. Last night too, she cried till 12 to see daddy but could not. Well, I tried to show her some cartoon videos in my phone, when another friend of mine Nandini ( my childhood best friend from Valsad and a friend for life) put in a message asking about Dheeraj’s safe return. I told her yes he did and he is travelling to other countries right now. Then we started talking about general things here and there for quite a time. And in the chat she reminded me of a quote which I had made while giving her gyan some years back. Oh yes, am good at that. I give a lot of philosophical gyan to my friends and family. And she often turns to me to lighten up her heart in hour of gloom. And I am glad that I have always ended up the conversation only after leaving her smiling, peaceful and at times splitting up in laughter (that’s what she says). Today, she told me that she has attended three levels of KBC(kaun banega crorepati) and waiting for the third round result. I wished her luck. Then she told me that on being asked who is her inspiration, she mentioned my name. Enthralling! Isn’t it! And then she told me so many things about myself which otherwise I would never think of being associated with my life form. There will definitely be a separate post about all that we did as kids together and about our childhood days spent together. She too inspired me a lot through-out , by the ways she handled her life and family from a very tender age of 8 or so when her mother had passed away. She again remains amongst those who live in the best zones of my heart.

Now…I do not know, if that person would read me on this, but I keenly want to say the following. “you have been a great source of inspiration, motivation, reason for my interminable laughter and incessant joys, basis of my courage, and a great help in your own ways to teach me the ways of life, to make me understand the complexities of relationships and a big support in amending my bonds with Dheeraj which otherwise had seen its inescapable roughs. Though in your own rustic ways, you taught me to respect the present rather than lingering around what is gone and fantasizing about which may not come. But……………. You also have at times by your cruel methods treated me as if I was nothing but hopeless. I agree, I may err, so do you, and so do all, but that doesn’t built the base to herald me the inferior. So …..with all my due respect, I wanna say…that I may be short tempered, impatient at times, grumpy by words though very rare, sulky I know….but that doesn’t happen with every other person coming into contact. I become me only with those who become them when in my company. Regardless to say…Thank you.!"

And a big thank you to all those who in the recent days, reminded me that I have decided to remain optimistic in every situation of life, and have vowed to spread cheer till my breath beats in there…

May all live in peace…

Now don't kill me okay.....I told you,didn't I, that it's gonna be a very lengthy post...thanks for reading anyways!

(231) Stupidity

How stupid a person can be? Is there any scale to measure stupidity?..No, I don't think so. And frankly, I don't think I have ever been so stupid and adamant as in some matters I behave. I surprise myself the way I behave at times. Putting the thoughts of ramifications on the back burner,I just proceed to do what the deepest of my heart urges, and behold, though I most often know the outcome, I still walk ahead and meet bang on the disappointment. Idiot me, huhhhh..!! 
Someday, I 'll learn..I hope! 
But, what's the point?..
Well...
Just..forget it!

(228) Negative people

 I pity negative people. For whatever reason they act so negative about things, I really feel sad for them when others try to help them out by positive input and yet they stick to their pessimistic approach towards life. To be very precise, if I have to give the number there are at least four people in our extended families from either sides (mine and my husband’s family) , who are so very depressing human beings that at times I feel like going straight right into their face and tell them, “ see you are not helping anyone by being what you are, and adding to worse you are only leaving bad influence and dirty impact on others around you, besides torturing your own soul”…but gory limitations of the relationships! Alas! I simply have to ignore them, and am being specific, just ignore because I cannot avoid them.

I often tell Dheeraj when discussing about those people, that they need some help. How I wish I could be of some help to them. Recently, a person created so much mess during a family gathering that she pestered my mom to the tears. And when she had nothing else to fight about she dragged me in, (when I was already thousands of miles away here in Moscow) and told my mom that I did not inform her by personal call about my departure. God…I got so pissed off when I got to know about the same and could not help but intervene. It boils my blood when anyone tries and mess up with my parents or say a single word against them, to them or cause them any hurt by any means. My parents are so simple people that whole life they have practiced patience, tolerance and forgiveness and have always been helpful to others. I have tried to imbibe the same in me and do practice to a level, but not at all when it’s the question of my parent’s respect. With no fault of hers she heard all the nonsense just because the other person is a relative. Crap I say !!!

I called her (not my mom..but her..do not want to mention the relation)….and very nicely explained her  what mess she was creating without any reason and that no one is supposed to bother my mom for any reason whatsoever. Even I was welcomed by her, with lots of sarcasm and agony, but I gave across the message crisp and clear.

How far and for how many can this be done. Earlier in my brother’s wedding, chaos happened because of one aunt, and such things keep occurring on and off. Forget about people in families, I have faced and come across similar kind of people throughout at different stages and places in life till now. Some ditched and bitched after being friends, some got along just for selfish interests and some with whom I was never related in anyways, yet twisted and screwed ties with me just to satiate their negative egos and hurt me back. Hell with them.

At times, my wrath asks me to cut all bonds with such people, and at times it tells me to be patient and be helpful to them. To teach them peace, show them optimism and make them affirmative. Tough task though, hope I continue being constructive about life, people and bonds with them.

Keeping the fingers crossed that no one creates any hassle during my younger brother’s wedding. Cause if am there, and someone comes to thwart, I doubt I’ll be nicer anymore…sometimes you need to put your foot down and shout…enough is enough!!

(227) Run through..Jan-June 2014

I hate doing that…running in a jiffy through the thoughts I want to share in detail. But after every long gap of not being here, I do the same. Don’t I? and that kills the  very soul of the feelings I had experienced while those events occurred and hence it gets printed her very dried up too. Every time this happens, I promise myself that next time..am gonna make it a  point to keep awake and jot down the important things that very night, but I again miss doing that due to so many daily commitments to life and family. And gradually, most of my thoughts either die slow death or gets forgotten by my so forgetful mind. I sat now, with a frame of mind to write every bit of things happened in last six months..but alas …my mind is too tired to recall them in series of occurrence and vocabulary giving it up to present what comes to the fore…….Still..for my own selfish motive(which I keep reiterating that I wanna keep record of these days to read when I and my memory grow old), I will again run through the events without any particular order of occurrence.

Alright….

1. · Ushered in the new years with neighbors and friends in hyderabad..thanks to Monica and Vikas(our neighbor and friend), Nandini and Hanish(other friends family)..who made it so lively that night, we were all up almost till the early morning hours.
2. ·   6^th March, things got packed and moved out of our Hyderabad home…all our friends had extended their love by asking us to stay with them that night, but I wanted to stay in that house itself, monica gave us the bedding ,water and all that we needed. Nishka was the most upset that we emptied the house, she didn’t wanted to sleep anywhere else but there, hence we stayed there. With a very heavy heart, I handed over the keys to the house owner next morning. It was Dheeraj’s last working day in Hyderabad. He left for office and me and my kids spent time with Monica and her family. Dheeraj came in the evening, picked us up..it was a very tear-filled goodbye..Khyati(monica’s elder daughter) gave me a tight hug one last time before I sat in the car, I hadn’t received that tight hug in years from anyone but nishka….We went straight to Sai mandir one last time (which was near our home and we went there every week) and then to Abhishek’s house(other friend family). Nupur and Abhishek and their kids, we all were awake till late night. Next day I left for Ahmedabad with my kids and Dheeraj flew to Mumbai….Beautiful people, friends, memories and a lovely place to live(Aparna Sarovar in Hyderabad) was left far behind…but carried along in all of our minds. Till date, every few days, Nishka asks us why we left our home in Aparna Sarovar…For her, that’s the place where all her childhood memories of till now belongs to….But the good thing is that after reaching here, we talk and see Monica and her family through viber and facetime and feel good to see them(thanks to the technology)…
3. · Though we had sold one car and a big chunk of our furniture before moving out of Hyderabad, there was still lot of stuff that needed to be tactically fitted in Ahmedabad’s house which was comparatively small. My brother’s friend would often drop in with her backpack and stay back to help me set house. Sometimes her sister and other girls too would join her. Though tiring most of the times, but the entire tenure of two months in Ahmedabad was awesome. However, I took two breaks in between to travel to Valsad and Udaipur respectively, which again filled my days with love and blessings as everyone was bidding us good bye before we had to move to Moscow. Few places in Udaipur always mesmerize me and do the recalling job and fill my heart with reminiscences. Back in Ahmedabad,  I met 7 old friends of mine after years, they were my schoolmates, college-mates, colleagues. Met so many other relatives and felt good to meet them at ease. Got to spend good time with my Research Guide Anamika mam. Nice lady she is, very intellectual and equally down to earth. Also got a chance to take a seven day library membership of IIM Ahmedabad. What an enriching experience it was to visit that place, sit amongst scholars and do the research work, hope the data collection I did in those days add up to my research work positively. Ate Pani puri to my heart’s content, though it is never enough for me, frequented Café coffe day like a second home and relished my Devil’s own and Kappi Nirvana numerous times. Well, then came the time for Dheeraj to fly, he flew on 1^st april to Moscow…and came back a month later to take us all along.
4. · Gathered sweet sour memories, enjoyed living in Ahmedabad and this time in my own home and not at mama’s house, so it was all the more fun. Thanks to all my friends , my brothers friends who came over at our place and made it lively time and again…Also a big thanks to them to tag me along in their fun toli for Holi, manek chowk night out, long drives, movies….and the hullad masti that I had long forgotten and left far behind…..
5. ·  9^th   May’2014, our marriage completed nine years…and on the same night we flew out of India. With a very heavy heart but of course hopes for a positive move, I waived a bye to all..my mother’s eyes were filled with tears but she held them back until we left her sight. Then I got to know from my brother that she cried.
6. · 10^th may 2014, we were in Moscow. For quite a many days, I felt disoriented and lost, but as soon as task started hitting my efficiency, I got more involved in setting up the house and moving around in the nearby places…things have comparatively settled down. Thankfully we have found few good Indian friends in Dheeraj’s colleagues and family. Hope to see kids settle down in school as soon as the vacation gets over here….and hope to have a peaceful stay in Moscow till the time we dwell here.
7.  And keeping the fingers crossed..i hope to achieve all that I have worked for and working for.

I know..it sounded too unfounded….however..i am glad I wrote this after all and before I could forget all this..because I am sure there still remains things unsaid but not unimportant…see you

(224)Last Memoirs of Hyderabad

Hi,

Been a gap of six months since I have been here..have so much to share that you will get sick of reading it all.For now am posting the last email conversation I had with the members of my Apartment community(Aparna Sarovar) in Hyderabad, before we left that place.

Here is the mail which I wrote and in the following are the beautiful responses giving me farewell...(One selfish interest behind posting it here is that these beautiful memories will stay forever with me)

"Hello Everyone…Good morning,Pardon me sarovarites, if this mail turns a tad lengthy and/or emotive, but I can’t leave Aparna before having said this. As less than a week left to move out of this beautiful place, I want to thank the entire community to have added in enriching in a way or other, our experience of living here for last two years. Though this is the sixth relocation in our marriage of circa nine years, never earlier have I felt so miffed about moving out. My kids, my husband and of course myself are completely in love with this place. We are hauling along with us, the delightful memories extending from – living in midst of wonderful plantations, benefitting from the sports and other amenities close at hand, building friends with amazing people, relishing the food exchange with awesome neighbors, enjoying the cultural events, and, and & upto....its a long list to go. I personally revered the opportunities to choreograph for the kids twice and dancing out dead myself during navratris and new years, very rejuvenating. There are also reminiscences etched out in my mind as regard to the people I don’t know in person but have crisscrossed with numerous times and to quote a few—wonderful mothers tirelessly administrating various activities for their kids -always enthused me, a stunningly beautiful lady( presumably in her 50s) each time i saw - inspired me to keep the zest on high, a pair of white pigeons - who sparked off friendship between me and a lovely female in F block, a gentleman cascading equal adore and attention simultaneously onto his baby and his pet(a dog) whilst playing with them in morning hours in green lawns - often motivated me to be more spirited about life and gratified of what we have, reading the email trails on apnacomplex- augmented my way of understanding various people…. wellll…..the roll again is endless…In a gist, we had a great stay here in Aparna Sarovar, and we look forward to being a part of this family in future again if time and prospects permits. Hope to find this place as effervescent and amorous whenever we see you folks again…Have a great time….Thanks again..On behalf of my family & myself Mita"

The Replies in converse...

1) That's indeed very beautifully put Mita,Wish you a great stay at your next destination and memorable experiences forever. Cheers!Swati

2) Dear,Its people like U,ll who have made Aparna, what it is today.We are saving Ur message, so that it tides us over, whenever, as senior citizens, we will feel low about life in general.Our heartfelt blessings for Happy Days ahead. Our Prayers to God for putting brakes on Ur frequent moves.God Bless.Mr. Porendra Pratap

3)Vijay Namburi(Secretary-ASOWS) Thank you Mita for your kind words! IT makes all of us feel proud! Vijay.

4) Dear Mita n fly..Though I have not met you, with so many friends you have in this habitat, you most welcome here anytime. Kudos to you observation and presenting your feelings of Aparna Sarovar. Pray you and your family has the best future with prosperity wherever you are and wherever you go. God bless you all.nagamani

5) It is generally said that when you are buying a home for living and esply if its the first purchase don't fetter too much on finances. Reason being it's about the memories the kids, the elders and yourself carry of your home and the happiness that accompanies. I wasn't bought in much to this idea but having lived in sarovar, I now fully realize how wonderful this place has been and every penny spent has been worth it. Thanks Mita for sharing your thoughts so eloquently and good luck for future. Cheers Ramesh

6) Thanks for reminding us about the blessings of aparna and also making us realize the need to count our blessings and not take them for granted. I have not met u though we may have bumped in to each other at some  beautiful part of AP...May God bless you and your family with health,wealth and peace!andal

7) Hi, Thank you so much for the awesome message and the  sentiments so nicely expressed .Above all, the most important thing is to respect every one and count on the joyful life our Apana Gaon gives us.All the very Best ..LS Murthy 

8) Dear Namburi,To avoid our community from becoming too impersonal, the MC can take the lead in organizing small farewell contributory functions over a cup of tea, in the club-house, to residents who are leaving the community. The immediate neighbors & friends of the departing resident can take the lead in this regard.For the beginning it can commence with Mita & family.Mr. Porendra Pratap 

9) Hi Mita,First time I see I someone really write so nice about Sarovar. Honestly, this is such a wonderful place to be. I have been to lot of other communities around but trust me none have been so Jubilant. Thanks to the previous and the current MC and people of Sarovar for making it so delightful.Though we haven't met, your email talks about your personality. Wishing you good luck ahead.Regards,Ravi Reddy

10) Very well expressed, Mita! May your next move be to sarovar again :) or any other place abroad, as I believe sarovar is the best place to live in India. I wish you continue at a nice place for 10+ yrs as shifting often is really painful ( me 9yrs, 8 moves..)Wishing you and your family, goodluck and peace in all your endeavours! Liked ur caption;) Regards Priyanka

11) Me again....Hi....Smiles and tears came rushing throughAfter reading one and all of you,Heart filled with more gratitudeThank you all so very much for echoing my feelings in your own sweet words and ways, and of course for the sincere blessings and wishes. Keep the smiles rolling...stay blessed...Regards..Mita                       ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will come back soon to you with all that I missed on saying in last six months and all that which is up happening right here...

(223) Time to go...Bye for now

I begin by quoting Khalil Gibran from his work ‘The Prophet’ which says- “You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”

I don’t fully agree to the above said. But yes, often I talk (for me talking is writing here) to confront the dilemmas battling in my mind about certain topic at that given point and time. Also, writing is very liberating for me. It is like unburdening my-self, it’s like talking to the unseen (not the unknowns), it’s like singing out my heart on paper, it’s like opening up, it’s like dancing on the rhythm of words on the floor of paper with pen making the music.

But, more often these days, I have found myself being unfaithful to my writing. Or rather, let me put it like this. I am not being very honest on this platform. Though earlier too, I have not been my complete self here, and as also mentioned by one of my friend reader that I keep things with their ambiguity here, nevertheless, I never tried to cover up for what I wanted to write. But now, I feel, I have started doing that, which is hurting myself more than who reads me.

So, this being the primary reason to give a halt until I resume my original panache and candor regarding my platform here, I may also quote the second reason. (The reason I am putting stress again and again on the word ‘here’, because this problem is this platform specific. I have other podium/s, where I write without being prejudiced and without the fear of being judged.) I need to develop same frankness and sincerity for this space as well.

The other reason to pull back my arms from reaching to the keyboard is very important and necessary. You will kill me for saying this, but yes I may not be able to call it out here, have reason to that too, you see. So, that is for keeps.

Excuse me....., Seems, I have kinda fell in love with the words of Khalil Gibran…pitching one more of his piece..

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

I don’t know, how long I am gonna take to come back here and talk to you all. Not sure, if I will at all stroke this space again. But yes, am definitely going to miss my writing streak, miss my talking through blogs, and would certainly want to come back here as soon as possible…….but with new vigor and vitality.Meanwhile, before shutting off, I will check and publish those drafts lying in there, written at different times but could not be put to the fore.

Don’t hammer me sweet, I really want you to read this too..again him Khalil Gibran saying-“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ….nice na..i love this one..

Also, my dearies, please excuse me, if I simply obliterate or veil these blogs sometimes.( you know na, how idiotic and dim-witted I act at times).

One last which has really touched me…(am totally in Gibran mood today you see…a fan in the following huh..!!!)…..saying this- “One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”

Lot’s and lot’s of love for reading me and supporting me.Let the new year ring in with bunches of happiness and success, peace of mind and fulfilled wishes and succeded efforts for everyone. God bless. :)

(217) Stealing- 'the concord within'

When a theft occurs, the causing party rejoices the gain and the losing party mourns the loss. Generally we associate the term burglary with the theft of the material custodies. But we hardly think of it in terms of something beyond the substance and object.

Last year, a house maid who was working at my place then, had stolen my gold ring and few other things within a span of few days, when I was busy preparing for my brother’s wedding. And when I realized, it was too late and also, I had to leave for the wedding. Though the material loss hurt me for a while, but what disturbed me more was the betrayal caused by her. I trusted her blindly and so I do with every single maid whom I appoint for work. And I explain the same to them while appointing that don’t breach my trust, if you need something, tell me, and I will provide it in the best ways possible, and so I have done whenever the need has arisen. Over a period of time, I forgot the incident but it left me with a habit of being a little extra vigilant with housemaids, which frankly speaking, is a pain.

Two days back, something that belonged to Charvi went missing. No outsider had entered the house that day except my house maid. I called her and enquired about the same and she denied of knowing anything about it. The loss of the material thing did not really bothered me that much as did the breach of trust once again. I was perturbed the whole day. I wanted to just speak it out to her or at-least to someone that I am hurt. I wanted to ask her if she had taken it and if yes, she could have asked for and I would have provided. She shouldn’t have stolen that. I never keep a watch on her. I go for bath or do my other work while she is around and never follow her to the door when she leaves. I know, to some it may sound too rubbish of me to get emotional about actions caused by people like housemaids, car cleaner and cook. But so I am. I get marred by every single person and deceiving deed caused by them, if I have planted faith in them. Often, my mom in law, my neighbor and friends asks me to be more practical and less emotional when dealing with such people. I have been criticized by other family members too at times, for treating my housemaids like my family members. And yes, I have tried few times to remain more detached with them, but I simply fail. I feel bad if I don’t talk to them every-day, if I don’t listen to what they have to share and if I don’t treat them nicely. I am even left hurt when I scold them once in a while. I try to pamper them out the other day by doing something nice to them. And I am sure, there are many people like me who treat these people the same way or in a much better way. I have seen my mom taking so good care of those people working as domestic help at her house.

And perhaps that is the reason, why I feel hurt when I am cheated. But this time, that particular feeling made me think in a completely diverse mode. We see that, when people lose their material possession in theft or other way, they become sad. And if that has been caused on purpose, the doer enjoys and lauds the achievement. Same happens when instead of the object, something ethereal, something non substantial, something non-enclose able is lost or rather stolen. At this instance, the fracas of the mind reaches a very towering level. The material loss may most often be paid back, but the immaterial loss is very difficult to be settled off with anything physical. It takes time to overcome the impacts of such loses. We observe that people who loses their loved ones, experiences the same kind of sentiments. But that is something which is an unchangeable natural process that every individual has to go through. Such people may be helped out by soothing supports. Nevertheless, people whom we cause to go through such agonies on purpose, by our spiteful and wounding acts, are the ones who are the most indignant people and who faces the ill crisis of emotional as well as mental setback. We rob them of their most precious state- ‘the concord within’. And nothing really can help them much. Time to heal the sore and the vigor to deposit the faith again, are the things which may help them.

Although I have always been in support of not hurting others purposefully, I consciously elected this time, to be further watchful and more careful while relating with others, and not to steal away someone’s peace of mind, tranquility, equanimity in order to satiate my egocentricity, my diffidence, my doubts, and my lonesomeness, all or any- if encountered ever. I do not have any right to thieve someone’s harmony and leave them bothered, and for that matter, no one has the right to do the above to any other person.

Let’s try and not whip away (intentionally or unintentionally) other’s serenity.