(59) WHY???

Charvi started going to her play group school since 15th Dec’08.Either of the parent was supposed to be with the child for first 3-4 days and hence I accompanied her for that. She attended four days of school and then got Christmas vacation of 18 days. She enjoyed initial period as she was surrounded with a secured feeling of her mother being around and hence she fancied the idea of going to school as it was fun to play whole day in a new place but with a familiar sanctuary.

After a long break, she was supposed to join back on the day before yesterday, but as she was not keeping quite well, I dropped the idea of sending her to school. However, yesterday she insisted she wanted to go and hence I took her to her newly found play place. I dropped her inside the school campus and watched her being taken ahead by one of the teachers appointed there. Charvi was looking at me again and again by turning her neck behind to check if her mamma was still there. I waved my hand to her and assured her aloud that I will be waiting for her in the car parked outside and visible to her. I sat in the car and made a call to Dheeraj to tell him that I will be waiting outside the school owing to two reasons;1-Charvi had come to school after so many days and was made to go inside without me and 2- she had still not completely recovered from ill health.Before I could conclude my call, I heard Charvi’s loud cry from inside and before I could get down, lock the car and run to check what happened to her, I saw her running out of the mistakenly left unlocked gate and loping towards me followed by two of the teachers. Sooner than I could hold her in my arms, one of them pulled her up forcibly and took her back into the campus. I ran behind them watching Charvi crying still louder and stretching her arms towards me, pleading to be with me. Her face was wet with hysterical tears and her actions were heart tugging .I had not seen my child so helpless ever before. Whole scene left me unnerved and shaken up.I followed the teacher in and tried to calm down my daughter. After this I was allowed to sit with her through that day as well.
She cooled down and played happily for rest of the time. She painted on two different sheets while I was watching her, doing the same so confidently. When we had to leave, I was instructed by the principal that from next day onwards, I would have to drop Charvi in and leave the place immediately and come only during pick-up time. I agreed silently but my mind, my heart somehow couldn’t digest the instruction.

Thouhg I know and understand very well that some day Charvi has to learn to be on her own, but somehow I feel I am not yet ready to let her out without me even for a minute.
I spoke about this to my friend who advised me to be more stronger and help my daughter to take the new and very important step of her life.
She had a holiday today owing to Moharram.I kept wondering whole day what would I do tomorrow.Will I be able to take a turn back from the school after dropping her? Or should I not go only to drop her and make Dheeraj do the same? I don’t have the courage to see my child crying so vulnerably for her mother all over again.How can I not be there for her to hold me tight and feel secure the way she did yesterday? I am her mother and how can I see her feeling left alone and wailing for the protection? I don’t know what I will do tomorrow .Just hope things turn out well for her and so for me.


Going through all these, I realized how helpless we adults become when encountered with similar situations. We cannot cry loud and stretch arms to be held in, when we are made to go away from someone, something we love. We cannot express our grief openly like a child can do. We are not looked upon with empathy by anyone when left for such thrashings. We are treated like a pseudo and left alone to deal with our circumstances. We cry within ourselves and pretend to be stronger beings by behaving as normal as we can, whereas deep within the turbulence remains not the least different from the one which was going on in the heart of my little one. Why don’t even we have someone waiting outside the parking to run in and hold us up in arms when we cry aloud, when we feel left alone, when we feel departed from the one we love the most, when we feel deprived of the one we look upon for the mean of life? Why don’t we get someone to come to us and hug us tight to give us comfort and hope in living? WHY??!!