(186) Forgetfulness

‘Forgetfulness’, is naturally a boon, when dreadful memories are to be flushed away. But not at all a good thing, when you do not wish to, and you cannot provide to forget, even the minutest of the phenomenon.

Certainly, the horrendous and gruesome act of the Delhi rapists, and similar such hundreds of news, kept me in anguish and awake,for all this time, and will keep haunting me till I remain sane, but that could not be the singular cause for my mounting absentmindedness_.

Rapes, Murders, Tragedies always drew my attention more than the other episodes, and I lived every calamity, concurrently while reading each word, felt for it and my heart wept for the same, but that never impacted me so sternly. These days, my memory is in severe denial to support my acts.

Few of the incidents which occurred lately…

Last week, when I went downstairs to drop Charvi for the school bus pick-up, I did so and started having a conversation with a fellow parent, who, also had come to drop her child. I completely forgot that I had locked Nishka sleeping alone in the house, and realized only when that lady asked me about her well being, that was almost about fifteen minutes later. I ran towards my block with heavy heart, full of guilt and distress about my forgetfulness. Thankfully she was still sleeping calmly. I keep forgetting milk, curries, and other stuff after putting them on gas stove for cooking…small things but potentially dangerous. I put on the geyser, iron and I easily forget.

Yesterday, someone reminded me of a good old event of my life and I thought of logging into the email account, in which I had maintained some of the best reminiscences (which were in electronic form).My regular account had been hacked several times in past and hence I had made that account. Alas! One more shocker! The account had been locked, probably because I had not accessed it for very long time. I recovered it through the process mentioned on the site, but I had lost all the data stored in it. I remained retort-less for ample seconds to see that empty mailbox. I immediately started logging in, in all those accounts which I had not visited in recent past. And would you believe! I couldn’t recollect the passwords to some of them and even the login id’s to others. The process of retrieving them also failed because I did not remember the answers to the security questions, the recovery email addresses and all the stuff they wanted me to provide to them, so as to enable them to give me my accounts back. Few blogs which I maintained but never published,  are now not accessible even to myself…

 

I have started forgetting birthdays, important days, my meals…and many big-small things in day to day life….I lost my gold thumbring which was bought by mutual choice of my brother and myself, i cannot relocate it because i don't remember when i wore it last.Whether i took out and put on kitchen platforn while kneading dough or else where while doing some craft. I am not sure if the house maid took it away or what. I simply washed it off..

I used to be the sharpest person in my family in matter of remembering facts, dates, events, not only about my own life, but also of others. What is amazing here is, that my memories about my life previous to this one and a roughly half more year, is still intact and almost as it used to be.

And also, somehow I don’t forget the painful things so easily….

So…what are the cause factors to all this memory loss hubbub,(so called dementia) still remains a mystery. Is it the post partum depression(which, technically speaking, I should have, by now, over-comed, as Nishka is almost a year and a half), or being the overworked mother, or the disquiet of doning too many hats at a time, lack of sleep , or perhaps, the ever wavering mind which hardly settles down with peace.

Whatever it may be..it seems, I am in urgent need of getting into some meditational observe, some yoga..self help practices and some good sleep…

Reminding myself through this note, before I even forget..”who I am”?

P.S.- Tips and advice other than eating almonds, is most welcome.