(247) I am happy today!

Call it luck or timing, I happened to speak to two lovely people today, my friends, after a long time and am so so thankful to them for the meaningful conversation they drew me into. It altered my mood completely.By the day drawing short, I was feeling lonely, and they filled in all the cheers. Wish the talk never ended. Both conversations were very different in the context, but the gist was so much akin. Live it all, it's just one life. Right now I am feeling very overwhelmed. I think, I should often talk to those people who bring in the cheer and positivity in life. If we look at it, life is not really that complicated. I think it has do with our perceptions and the way we exercise them.

To top up the wonderful feeling, I called my mom and spoke to her at length. What a blissful experience it becomes, always, to talk to mom. It is so much relieving, rejuvenating, motivating and fulfilling. Love of my life, my mom, I can never be enough thankful to her for being my support system. I am happy today. Very happy infact.
And guess what, after I was done talking to mom, I received a thank yu reply whom I had wished birthday this morning. And she seemed to be so happy to talk to me. And she said that she loves me so much for never forgetting her birthday in last 18 years. She is my school, classmate. Its always joyous to hear love you from people who resides close to your heart.There is so much love around us, just need to feel and accept the same. Stay here...joy! See you..!! Love!!!

(246) Let me be optimistic about life !!!

I had something else to write about, when I logged in here. I happened to read by chance one of my recent posts on this blog. I ended it saying" whatever happens, happens for good". Yes, I believe it so. But today, my conscience is asking me again and again, is it really so, that whatever happens, happens for good. If it is so, why few things occur wrong to us after they occur. Why we do not like some event of life, when they turn out to be?. Why do we feel left out or inferior, when we do not get everything that the other one has got? Well...I think it is very much in the mind. It's very psychological. Chalo, leave it, we will take it up some other time. Mood change...will talk about something else.

Dheeraj's colleague, I think I wrote about her few days back. Everyday after work, she is out meeting friends and enjoying her life. She often tells me that Mita, go and enjoy before the summer and autumn disappears. Winters will be harsh, depressing and dark. I understand that she has lived three winters here and she knows situations better than any of us do, and hence I try to relate to what she says, but not very seriously though. Morning till now, has been a kind of pre-cap of the winters. Dark, chilly, windy, but accompanied with endless rains. Rains, you very well know, brings out the best/rather worst of me. It turns me emotional and more wanting. And today it rained mercilessly, with a backdrop of black clouds, thunders, and no sun at all. When we went out to pick up Nishka, though I took umbrella for rains, but forget to wear any warm cover, and both, Charvi and I were literally shivering. Goose bumps showing up, hair waving to winds, and face kissing the breeze. If Charvi would'nt have been with me then, I would have definitely let myself get drenched in the rains. You know, how I love to be in unison with the falling waters. Back home, served lunch, put kids to sleep, and then I sat wondering, why is it thus, that after each interval of few months, I tend to go into some kind of self criticism mode and self pity mode? Need to work on it...And that reminded me of the enriching conversation, I had with a friend over phone on Sunday. My Gyan Guru, advised me to be happy, of course, friends for that matter will always want you to be happy, right? Well...the teachings said, that I need to focus on what is here, in present and not to think or worry about past and the future, which is not in my control. And to train the mind in a way, that it learns to accept the disapproval of the time, fate and people. I may not get everything that I long for. Fair enough, I agree. But it's not that easy, if it would be, there would be no pains in the world. 

Alright, but it's not that difficult too....!!

Hmmm..okay...Further instructions said, that I should learn to respect myself, think about my happiness too and stop worrying about what others have to think, say ,believe or do...as they are not in charge of my life, but I am.

Okaayy..got it..revisiting the entire conversation mentally, I felt good and thought of having a cup of coffee. Till the time, I beat the coffee, thoughts were churning simultaneously in my mind. I thought, why is it so, that always I crib of being left alone, and of being treated unfair. Why not for a change, this time, I will agree to disagree with my pessimism, and agree to agree with the fact, that if I focus on being more optimistic and practical, in a course of time, I may becomes so. Till when, will I keep running away from the hard turns, why not face it head on, why not for once, accept that life do not work in a fixed pattern, why not just let myself flow in it's flow, why not for once, stop fighting with life and stop resisting it's natural course? Why not enjoy life as it comes?..Hmm!! What's the harm in trying?

Generally, I don't prefer giving caffeine to kids, but today, I wanted a coffee partner for sure, missing by my side, so I made two cups, one for myself and one for Charvi.

Guess what, very filmi though, the time when I decided to lit up my sun in the heart, the real sun too decided to show up.I am having my coffee right now, with the sun-rays growing up on me every minute.Time to pull the curtain down, and I am sure, pulling it down would not, in any ways, take away the sunshine. It seems, it's lit up bright enough by now.

You know what, I always want to be positive, happy and spread the same cheer in my surroundings, and I also work towards it, but I think my biggest hurdle, enemy in my path of happiness, is my expectation. I have seen, whenever I expect less or don't expect anything from the other person, I don't feel hurt, but the moment I do, I start feeling insecure. Best way is to give all that I can, and expect nothing in return. That way, I don't have to stress and wait for the returns, and if at all I get something back, it's a treat.

And.....and...I never knew, someday, my own blogpost would help me cheer up myself and remind me, that life is beautiful and too short to be unhappy.Nothing is permanent. I might have wasted so many beautiful moments of my life by thinking of something else, when they had come to meet me..and then miss them later. Similarly, I may be turning my back on the beauty of life in present, by living in past and worrying about future. I read a post on assorted mirages and felt good to know that..yes I do write some sensible stuff as well....Cheers!!!

(245) Need sleep

I desperately need some sleep and peace of mind. Why can't this thinking machine be put off for some while?

(244) Superstitious by choice.

Superstition is inseparable from Indian mindset. Since childhood, I have heard about and made to believe in numerous idiotic superstitions. I never understood the logic behind the things which were said to stop us from doing certain things or prompting us to do few other things. Earlier, though I never openly opposed our great old generation’s fellow, my relatives, but since long I have been very vocal about my disagreement with the myths to be followed. Well, that is what I do on a serious and a conscious note. But secretly, at times, I choose to become irrational and credulous, especially if that particular fallacy is believed to be giving the happy outcome. For example, they say that for a woman, if her left eye-lid keep fluttering intermittently in a particular way out of her control, then some good news can be expected. Since the time I woke up this morning, my left eye lid kept flapping erratically. Normally, I would not have paid attention to it, but given that I had been waiting for a long time and anticipating something good to happen, I chose to take that sign as an indication for good in coming.

But you know what, I was wrong. The news that dropped in was not really a pleasant one. And I was right too in believing that all such things that people say are mere false notions created for self comfort.Things occur in accord with their destined order.

Nevertheless, I still firmly believe, "whatever happens, happens for good".

(243) Stranger but not stranger

Often it takes a lot of courage to share the pain we hold deep in our hearts, with the closest of our people. Not often though, it happens that a complete stranger give us such a patient and involved hearing, that leaves our core more relieved and eased out. Perhaps, they are the pals from our past lives. Stranger but not stranger.

(242) The sun will shine again

When in dilemma, I start feeling faze. Most of the arguments that my mind presents, fail to make an impact at the heart level. Now that I have lived above three decades of the present life, I have learnt enough to understand one thing very clearly, which states that nothing is forever. Be it joy, sorrow, aches, exhilarations, meticulous emotions, affections, connections, or the people you belong to and people you are fond of, nothing remains with you forever. Some hormonal imbalance I guess, that does bring the catastrophe. The debacle I go through when confronting the poignant upheaval, has always been an endeavor to sweat for. I feel vacuum, stillness, a void everywhere, in the surrounding, in other’s voice, my thoughts, my mind, my body, my breath and in the entire existence. And parallel to all, I feel equally disastrous commotion in everything in and around me. The dilemma crops up and the havoc begins right there. Uffff….!!..

I know it’s temporary. The sun will shine again and there will rise a wonderful morning. I will have hundred beautiful things to look at and feel good about. I will have numerous reasons to smile, laugh, give, share and be happy about. I will have new reasons to love myself one more day and for sure I will have more opportunities to pay back my share to this amazing world which has added its contribution in making me who I am.

(241) If only

If only...life was thus!!! An endless, ego less, beautiful conversation supported with all those emoticons to show up where words don't find their way!!!!

(240) Beauty felt through....

The beauty of past experience is felt through memories, the beauty of present moment is felt through heart beats and the beauty of the future is felt through its element of secrecy!!

(239) Uffff!!..This new generation!!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Last Sunday(10th August), Dheeraj went shopping and I took kids to the fountain park where other lady too, was visiting with her kids. We gathered there ,I sat with her chatting and kids started playing. After sometime, Charvi came to me and pointing towards a boy whom I could not locate, said, “mumma that boy patted me on my back and said I love you”. In shock and surprise, I asked her to repeat and when she did that loud, it was already heard by people nearby. I asked Charvi to ignore him and go and play with her friends again. But the other lady, insisted her to say the same thing again and then laughed off the entire thing saying, “ how sweet”…I paused her there and said in a firm tone, “no, it’s not sweet or funny”. I didn’t wanted Charvi to think about it either very seriously or very lightly. Though I assured her that if I see that boy again or his parent, I’ll speak to them.

As She is growing up,I had been teaching Charvi about good and bad touch, general acceptable and non acceptable gestures by others, but never ever thought of discussing something like how to respond when someone says I love you. Because till now, this is said only by family members to her and she responds back akin. Well, her worried reaction to the boy’s words could be because of the television exposure and my strict behavior. Although I am a very observant and vigilant mother, I have given them very selective and restricted access to watching television or cinema stuff, but still this generation you bet, is far beyond our calculations and imaginations. Am sure she thought it was bad for a guy to say something like this to a girl and that’s why she complained about it. It’s a deal between me and my kids, that everything happening with them throughout the day will be shared with me or their father or with both of us.

Would be too early to explain Charvi, what exactly the words “ I love you” means and what importance it holds in life when said to a girl by a boy. I presume, many years to go for her to take this education. Rest toh, god know well! Although I am pretty sure, time will teach her lots of stuff in its own way, but definitely, I will be there as her mentor, friend to help her understand the difference between good and bad. To decide will be her onus.

After about an hour or so, my friend left the park for home, and I sat there waiting for Dheeraj to join us and then head together home. Charvi came to me again and said, “mumma, that boy came and said sorry, I will never say or do such a thing to anyone else or you ever again”…well, I turned curious this time and wanted to see that boy for sure and successfully I could get a sight of him. I waited for a while to let him come nearby and them I waved him a hand to call close. He came to me and this is how further conversation took place…

Me: Hi

Him: Hi

Me: So, you were saying something to her(I pointed towards Charvi)

Him: Nope

Me: Nope, I think you said something a while ago..!!

Him: Oh..Ohh. dat..yup..well…yes I said.. I love you

Me: okay, so do you know what does that mean?

Him: Pretty much, yes I know, but I said sorry to her, I won’t say that again

Me: fair enough, but why did you say that in first place?

Him: Welllll..(with full on expression and assertion through hands and pointing towards charvi)…look at her, just look at her, she is so pretty!!

Me: Ahaa,, you think so?

Him: Of course, I do, don’t you?

Me: ( I was already amazed at the confidence of this young little boy, by  now got pretty sure, he had been watching a lot of television)… Yes..I do, I know she is pretty.

Him: But I said sorry..

Me: Alright,Ok..well…are you from Moscow, Russia..are you Russian?

Him: yes I am

Me: you speak good English, people here don’t

Him: oh yea…my father wanted me to learn English, he taught me a lot, and I do practice even now

Me: so how old are you?

Him: I ll be turning seven, I mean almost seven..tomorrow is my birthday, would you like to join in?

Me: (hmmm!!)…No, not really!!

Him: I can tell you the way to my home. (and he explained the entire route map to me with all the Russian names which I just cannot remember)….There are two grandmothers and two grandfathers at home. They would love to meet you and her (he meant Charvi, but he didn’t know the name and even I didn't ask his name)

Me: So, your parents are here with you right now?

Him: No, only my mom, my dad doesn't live with us?

Me: Okey, so where does he live?

Him: He left us to live with another woman.

Me: (His acceptance with facts of life left me stunned)..okey..am sorry about that.

Him: Don’t be, we are looking for another dad, hopefully we should get one.

Me: (ohhoo..i thought, he is so clear and crisp on his plans)..So you have siblings to play with?

Him: I have few brothers and sisters, but they don’t live with us, they are my father’s children, donno how he got them, may be his another wife gifted him.

Me: (By now, I had started feeling really bad for this cute little boy…didn’t know whether and how to carry on or stop the conversation) okkey…don’t worry, you have two pairs of grandparents to play with, cheer up and celebrate your birthday tomorrow with fun and laughter.

Him: ohh no no no…they don’t play with me, they make me do their stuff..oh how tiring that becomes at times. Never mind, thanks for your wishes. I would like you to join in please with her (Charvi ) ofcourse!

Me: Sorry dear, we have some other things scheduled up, may be some other time!

Him: Alright , I think it’s time to goo…see there’s my mom calling me, oh my god..now she’s gonna scold me again (may be she scolded him earlier too for saying those things)!!

Me: yup, bye..tc

Him: will see you again in this park someday if my mom wishes to have supper at khachapuri..bye for now!!

Hmmmmm..!!!! Didn’t understand, if it was the outcome of the culture and the fashion in which the boy was brought up, or it was an exception that such a young boy was so confident and eloquent about small and big things of life. I know, unlike India, things here are quite frank and open right from the childhood, but as I had never encountered such conversation with a child his age earlier, the experience left me speechless.

Well…..time to polish the lessons it seems, need to educate my darling a little more than what I thought was enough given that she just turned eight.

On the other hand, a vague thought chuckled me up…though the thought is completely baseless and even more funnier..but still lemme share it …I was 13 when I first heard, “ I love you” from a guy..and my sweetheart didn't even turn 8 by that day and such quandries….Uffff!!!....This generation, I tell you!!  Toooo much!!

(238) Anger

The anger producing machine is like a malfunctioned keyboard, once a key pressed or chord pulled, the vibration doesn't stop until the entire piece is played. Undeniably , the music produced thus is always disharmonious.
Truly, a vicious cycle. Least concerned with the trigger reason, the waves of anger hits head-on everyone enrouted. Calls for a reality check huh!!!. With and within! Why bother the innocent souls. Interrogate the conscious, speak truth to yourself, check mark the root cause and then...............either eradicate it, resolve it or make peace with it. Don't linger on and pamper your agonies. More than anyone else, it hampers yourself the most. Think!!

(237) Aesthetic

Sighted moon an hour back in the skies of Moscow for the very first time, since we have come here( say last three months). Big deal, u askin?..Oh yes! Very big deal. Please don’t forget those post and poem about my love for the moon. Fantasizing provocation or rather provoked fantasy, whatever…it left me immovable for quite some time. Though couldn’t really click a nice picture with the cell phone which was handy, stretching arms to pick up the cam was out of question at this hour of the day..dead tired!!

Well, let’s not deviate. What left me immovable was the luminosity of the moon. I wish I was in habit of saying “I swear” and then it would have helped me put assertion on the explanation about how I actually  felt, but yea I don’t like talking supported by swears, so putting it straight….amazing sight! Never understood the mystery of such magnetism of moon.( please keep that scientific thing aside, even I can give rubbish explanations that way).

Wonder, whether it is for real for others too, to feel so immersed, drawn, devoted, fond, keen, weak, tender, adored, and all that of sorts..or is it plainly the outcome of my aesthetic approach towards almost everything in life…that I feel the way quoted above and also feel love for moon, flowers, cool breeze, and those tiny little uncontrollable salty drops ever ready to get orphaned by leaving their abode-the eyes!

Perhaps, fault/magic(whatever suits you) lies right here in my aesthetic approach. But believe me, I love it this way!!! Isn’t life in itself some form of art!!

(236) Get me fresh air!

How to cope when there is only me, who beyond being an indivisible part of that whole, doesn't want to be a part of its negativity??? Pheww...!! Need boosters please..its so so so bloody negative!! Get me breathers..!! Get me fresh air!! Seems the escapade itself became a trap!! Good lord..Where are you???