(192) Life is amazing

My parents in laws came on 14th feb to stay with us for few days. On 15th feb, we had to attend a wedding ceremony. That morning, I was trying to get in touch with a friend, with whom I hadn’t spoken for dozens of months. I tried to get in touch even earlier for some specific help. I needed some advice and help for my research project, which I had chose after changing my initial topic, but then due to non- availability of my dear friend, I tried to seek the information from other friend, who gave me the inputs to the best of her knowledge and access. After a protracted thought, I changed and came back to the initially chosen field and area for my study. Okay, so the point is, I was trying to get in touch, and got upset because I could not get through. We got ready and started for the venue which located at the distance of almost an hour and half. Nishka doesn’t like long drives and gets uneasy very soon in the car. To keep her attention diverted, I let her do whatever she wanted to do with the music system. She played one song repeatedly for almost ten times..it was, “ allah ke bande hasde, job hi ho kal phir aayega”. When it kept repeating, I somehow started paying attention to its words and meanings, and felt uplifted and good. When we entered the main hall, where the ceremony was going on, suddenly a group of photographers and media people rushed towards us and started clicking. Of course they took us for someone else, and after a small pause they got back to their original stance. It was a renowned singer’s wedding and there were visiting many celebrities from the tinsel town. Believe me, it was really amusing at that moment, but even that incident made my mood better. I smiled to myself and thought that, I was dressed appropriately for the occasion.(no intention to boast, just wanted to share this funny incident)We happen to see many established singer there. Over-all , the evening ended on a positive note.

Next morning, I went for a follow up class for sudarshan kriya by AOL, which is being conducted on every Saturday in our society’s club house (meditation hall). Though I am not able to make it on every Saturday, but I try to attend whenever possible. After the kriya, the teacher here, reads one paragraph or piece from Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s discourses.. that day in the end.. he read this piece..

 “A dear person whom you trust lies to you and gets caught. What do you feel?

Sadness

Anger

Cheated

Disappointment

Compassion

Let down

Loss of respect

Wonder

Shock

Embarrassment

Recently when someone lied to me, I felt happy and more love, for they were not a good liar. Had they been a good liar, they would not have been caught. I thought they were so innocent that they could not even lie properly. They lie and get caught. If they had not been caught, how would you know they were a liar? So . . . you can never know a good liar. The person you call a liar is not a good liar and they are innocent. Aren't they?

And so . . . ha ha (laugh). You need not go through all the listed mental gymnastics. Instead melt and dissolve in Love.”

Listening to it, was kind of a reliever to the thoughts.

Almost about a week later, on 21st feb, bomb blasts occurred in the city. Phone calls, messages, enquiries flowed in from possibly everyone we have on our phone list. I don’t intend to bring any sarcasm or doubt on the intentions of our well-wishers, but this left me in a quandary, that does such situations only, bring questions to our people’s mind about our well-being?..After answering about twenty –thirty calls in an hour or so, I started replying following calls with the opening line, “ ha ha, hum zinda hain( with a slight smile and a slight disgust)”..in a light vein, but the pain for those who lost their lives was always  ticking my mind. As I have started thinking and saying off-lately, I felt again that day,” life has become so unpredictable”.

I have been suffering from some unusual pain since few months, and have been telling causally, that I might have contracted some serious disease. Hence one of my close friends, insisted that I get a medical check up done. Though it took almost three months for me to fulfill the promise I had made, but I finally went for a complete health check up on 2nd march 2013. As my in laws were still here, it came as a help to look after the kids, given that Dheeraj is travelling most of the times.  On 6th morning, I was supposed to collect the reports and see the consulting doctors. But given the fragile emotional person I am, a small tiff at home left me sad. The physical fatigue and some mental pressure due to my studies, charvi’s school work, looking after nishka and taking care of other big/small things at home, had already accumulated lot of discomfort in my mind, and the tiff that morning, hit the trigger, and I cried all the way driving to the hospital. Somehow, while acting like a stupid child (which I do most of the time), I cursed( I don’t know whom) and said to myself, “ see mita, your  reports are going to be pathetic, be ready for it”. I reached there in half an hour, parked the car, handed over the keys to the valet guy and asked him not to move my car if it’s not really required. I went upstairs and collected the reports. Blood profiles, urine profiles, chest, ecg, x-rays thyroid,aids,hepatitis, and some other reports-all were in line and showed no worries. But reports that needed to be discussed with gynaecologist were not really good.

I read and doctor confirmed, that there’s a cyst in the right ovary and the size is big enough to cover the entire ovary. Plus there appeared a mild neutrophillic inflammation appeared through the PAP smear ( which she said can be taken care of by medicines and could possibly be because of the ovarian cyst).

So the priority became to sort out the cyst. Her advice appeared twofold and left me in sticky situation. Either I could get it operated or try and remove it through the medication, which would last for three months. I went for a second opinion immediately to other doctor and she gave a completely different angle to the whole thing. I decided to go home and think about the whole thing with cool mind. When I got down the building and didn’t see my car, I asked the guy whom I had given the keys, and he said he will ask the driver to get the car back from the elsewhere parking. When the car came, it showed a big scratch on the passenger side door, and it was made recently. Though material things hardly bother me, but may be the day had risen at a bitter note, I reprimanded everyone involved in the parking procedure (from driver to the centre manager) and demanded the justification. Later I realized, it was not required, my car is still with that scratch and I haven’t even bothered to get it repainted. I spoke to my friend during those hours and cried a good for no specific reason. I decided to leave the whole medical thing aside for some-time and took it in hand only yesterday, after my in-laws left for home and Dheeraj left for Delhi. I consulted all the doctors I knew or whom I got to know through friends and relatives and discussed the matter, to get the better idea for  further treatment and course of action.

Let me kindly, make it very clear to all my friends, my readers and specifically to those with whom I consulted and received their genuine advices, that the purpose of writing (whatever I am going to write now) is neither to compare or cross check the knowledge and proficiency about the opinions and suggestions given to me by those whom I have consulted and nor to design any sympathy ground for myself(I am not gonna die soon). Its solely for my record and for the purpose I have mentioned earlier ( to make a note of events of my life for myself(if I live to read in my old age) and for my kids to have an insight into their mother’s life and their upbringing). So please, if any of you happen to read this, kindly do not think I am trying to be scrutinizer. Listing the counsel, recommendations, possibilities, outcomes about my ovarian cyst, in no specific order…

Trying a medication approach first for three months and then if cyst doesn’t dissolve, then surgery.

Given the size of the cyst, there is no point in trying medicines, straight away go for laparoscopic surgery.

8 out of 10 cases are malignant (cancerous), so don’t ignore, get the biopsy done, and treat it.

They may not be malignant, mostly they are benign ( non cancerous) at this stage.

If taken causally, it may affect still worse and if ovaries are to be removed due to delay in treatment, then that may result into further complications as the side effects.

Foolish to not act immediately, as the tissues grow fast and may spread in multiples.

Few advices were repeated by two or more people.

 

Right now, am feeling exhausted and without any direction. Though the last I spoke, was with a well established and experienced gynaecologist, who referred me to another well equipped doctor to handle such issues. I need to see that doctor as soon as possible. And she also told me that the doctor will perform the surgery and biopsy as well to check if any cancerous cells are present, and if the case is more complicated. Now, I have to wait for dheeraj to return home, so that I can see the doctor.

This entire write up may seem absurd to some, but ask me, what a reliever it is to vent out the thoughts through words, out here in this space. Don’t be judge-mental while reading this, there is no agenda, I was feeling over worked up and hence I had to take it out somewhere.

 I had thought of celebrating woman’s day in a very grand way, but somehow a chat with a friend left me more disturbed ( thanks to my irrational nature which pops up any time) and I did not do anything I had planned for myself.

I have our tickets booked for the trip spanned over next two months. From Hyderabad to Delhi, Delhi to Punjab, Punjab to Jammu(vaishno-devi), back to Punjab-Delhi, then Udaipur, to Ahmedabad, Gir, Valsad, Mumbai and back to Hyderabad. See…again I made a fool of myself..My things hardly works according to my plans and still I write in my sign off, “failing to plan is planning to fail”..what an irony?..however, I still hold a strong faith in the belief that “whatever happens, happens for good”..so what good is in store for me..let’s wait and watch.

See, I have never been afraid of dying( not that I am going to die soon haan..!don’t be so happy), am more than sure this whole thing will get over very soon, but what disturbs is this process of living in the uncertainties ( I know, I know, whole life is full of those). Till the time, I didn’t know anything about this medical complication, I was busy with other juggles of life, and now that I know what it is, I have spent almost 40 hours thinking about it. Oh my god, am soooooooo tired and so sick of it. Please don’t call me mad those who have been supporting me morally, but please try and understand my state of mind. I know, this may not be that big as it seems to be, and even if it turns out to be so( I mean cancerous), there are ways to deal with it, but still this waiting period is simply killing me, more than the disease might do.

Although I am physically and mentally tired, something very unusual, as well, is being felt by me. A very different calmness, somewhere deep in my heart is breezing very slowly. Am not able to concentrate on it because of this halla-bulla, but with the bleak pauses, I get in between my rustling thoughts, I kind of  smell and breathe a different air which is only cool and soothing. I know, I may be sounding like a crap philosopher, but this is how it is, even I am not able to decode it. Suddenly, the longing for many things, which I have been craving for, has subsided magically. Fear of losing anything whatsoever, seems non-existing. Yeah, yeah , I know, I know..i am acting like a real hindi filmi heroine na…okay..let’s stop here…no more blurting out..any which ways..i am feeling much better now..to have divulged out what was eating me up…thanks for reading this.

 

Life is amazing..!!

Isn't it..!!

Full of Surprises..!!

(191) Plan for a lone-long drive

I had a strong mind today to write about my life till date. I was planing to brief about major happenings, incidents, learnings, achievements, losses, thank-yous and sorrys in reference to the three decades i have lived. I intended to do so due to few important reasons,one of which is so succinctly- making a note for my kids to read when they grow up, and for me to refer in my advance age(if i live so much) about my good-bad past days.
              Unfortunately, it seems its not the time to do so. Nishka kept me upstraight since few last hours, crying, throwing up and checking my patience in every possible way. Plus, my throat seems to have grown up thorns in it, i believe, giving lot of trouble. Hence, will do that writing some other time.
            Had been thinking for a long time to go on a lone long drive,but time never permitted. I am planning to do so this morning in the very early hours, perhaps, in two- three hours from now. I am thiking to go on ORR. Though I never advocate high speed driving, I was brought to notice that I almost crossed 160kmph while driving on ORR last time when my family was with me. Am surprised, but it did not hit me at all that I did so. Possible reasons could be the long buttery stretches of the road and the silky stearing. So, I am planning not to take the big car, rather would take the small car, to keep a check on myself.
          Will update about the experience once I am back...

(190) Admiration

 

Talking with this friend over the years..one word has got pasted in my mind with his image, and that is ‘Admiration’.

Yesterday, while watching a small piece of a movie, I heard this word and straight away  got travelled into the time, whenever I spoke with him and he used the word ‘admiration’ for a particular girl. Well, not advisable to take his name here, as his wife might take this whole thing in a wrong way. So we will call him ‘him’. He was in love with a beautiful Kashmiri girl, whom he could not marry. Eventually, after moving on, he liked another girl, equally beautiful and sensible, whom he persuaded to be a part of his life and they are together. They are happily married and settled with their kid. God bless their family.

               Ok, now about the word ‘admiration’, here is the story narrated as per his version. There was a girl whom he met several years ago, and developed a kind of approbation towards her. What he liked most or least about her, is still a mystery to me. Because whenever she came in conversation, she came with a tag, ‘admiration’. He always said that he had a stout admiration for her.

       I have often wondered, what that admiration word could mean in his case. Of-course, I know the meaning and probable applications of it, but still, it leaves me lost in the qualms of variables, as I know both of them as individuals. I thought I would ask him someday, but then I decided to leave it as it was ,because vindication would hardly make any difference in their relationship, or so I assume. But what interests me here, is the passion he exhibits while using this word. And mind it, he never ever used any other word or words to talk about his affiliation with her. And that’s what makes it more appealing.

       However, though she doesn’t sound to be the most important person of his life, but if I recall the way he emphasizes about the beauty she has brought into their bonding, I feel, her existence is significant for him. And so yet again, I am forced to think, how can a mere admiration thing make someone so crucial in else’s life. Because if I go by the dictionary meaning of it, it tours me around gestures of respect, approval or rather awe(on the romantic side)….but none of these gives me a reason to think, that sheer veneration can make someone so imperative.

So now, my course of action (after watching that piece of movie) is to make him explain me what the word ‘admiration’ means in his dictionary. Who knows, may be, it was all just about the way he narrated the story to me and I over comprehended it, or may be, he  reasons it out in a fashion that’s appropriate for everyone involved.

  If I had to admire something, I would do so, and perhaps, over the period of time, I would forget about the same if I am not made to encounter with it again and again… I repeat if that was to be just an admiration….and if I had, had this mount of emotions for someone, then may be , I would not have had used just(only) the word, ‘admiration’.

Over to you…if you ever read this…and get coached up with an answer before you next call me…

 

Some quotes on the subject…

“There is an innocence in admiration: it occurs in one who has not yet realized that they might one day be admired.”  - Friedrich Nietzche

“Have you ever felt the longing for someone you could admire? For something, not to look down at, but up to?” – Ayn Rand

“ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl...I have ever met since...I met you.”  - Oscar Wilde

(189) 18TH OCTOBER 2012

I WROTE THIS ON THE NIGHT OF 18^TH OCTOBER 2012, WHEN I WAS IN UDAIPUR....BUT CUDN’T COMPLETE WRITING IT AND HENCE DIDN’T POST IT......

PSOTING THE INCOMPLETE THOUGHTS...............

                                                                                                                           

“...........................Few things always remain close to one's being, throughout his/her life. From childhood days till the end of the journey, certain things rarely changes, at-least in their importance and their relativity to the ongoing life. If I sit to count, there will come up at-least eight to ten things, which have not changed since i remember myself being myself, and i believe they will not change until i stop recognizing myself. But today, i want to talk about only one thing out of that vital list.

                        My love for milk, curd, ghee, buttermilk, home-made butter, and out of these, milk has always been my favorite dairy product. No doubts, coffee tops the list, but now, talk about the milk. Milk with bournvita and sugar, neither piping hot nor cold, just a little above the lukewarm mark, that is what i love. And i always enjoyed sipping it up in one breath. I do the same till date, except when it is accompanied with a heavy breakfast, because then it goes sip by sip helping me swallow each morcel of the food.

                                Time changes almost every aspect of one's life. Before i turned teen and moved to ahmedabad to live with my maternal grandparents, i lived with my parents in Valsad. I remember, till then, almost everyday my grandparents(paternal) would enter into kids room and serve all of us one by one (my siblings and cousins) with a big brass glass full of milk before we went to the bed. Later after some years during my visits home, i observed my mother doing the same for us. And now since few years, my father has happily taken over this part of her job and he kind of takes pride in serving us all that glass of milk, before we go to bed and also with the breakfast in the morning, but, of-course only when we all go there to stay with them, let's say for about once or twice in a year.

                When I lived in Ahmedabad, both my aunts played my mom's role. They both knew that it was very difficult for me to go to sleep without that glass of milk. Almost everyday, i was served the same. But whenever they missed out on giving me that, because of many reasons, i never went asking why it happened so. I could never do that in my life for anything whatsoever and to an extent, i am still the same. It is very difficult for me to ask for those thing/s, which i feel i should get or which belongs to me. But i never blamed them for that, because it was a big family and both of my aunts were always laden with loads of things to be done from early morning to the late hours.

                Later sometime when i lived in the hostel during my engineering days, i was forced to learn to go to sleep without that nectar of the night. Our hostel mess was not operational and our food was served twice in a day, by the outside caterer, who rejected my request of supplying the milk. But during the same time, when i use to visit home, i chose not to drink milk even then, so that it wouldn’t hurt me again on my return to the hostel.

              Some years later i started working, stayed with my grandparents for a year or so and then moved to Rajkot with a better job opportunity. Then again, i had the freedom of choosing my meals and the drinks. Time flew by swiftly and i got married.

                As i said, time changes things and so it did again. Now i prepare that cup of bournvita milk for my kids, husband and the other members of the family as and when they come over. Once in a very rare while, it happens that i get to be served with that cup of milk without me making it myself. Though i still try to have it almost everyday, but the fatigue i earn after running behind the kids for whole day, and the desire to go dead in the bed at the last hour of the day, hardly leaves me with any energy to prepare cup of milk. And in that case, even though all others are left without that last serve of the day, hardly anyone volunteers to help us all out with the servings.

                Today i am missing my father a lot. The latest memories of last few years about that tasty milk of the perfect temperature being served at the end of the day, is mostly related with my father and his unending energy and passion to keep his kids happy in every way possible. Since an hour, i am having  a strong urge to have that hot drink to be served, but honestly i have no mind to go and prepare it for myself. I made it for Nishka and fed her. My father in law had it, Charvi doesn’t want it and mother in law is fast asleep. I have come to Udaipur with my kids as i had to attend some class for few days.

                I want my father to live a very long and prosperous life and of course i wish the same for my mother as well. This day, this hour is presenting me again and again with the memories of that gloomy day when my father had a fatal heart-attack. Six months back, 6th april to be precise, when packers and movers had packed everything out of our Pune home and moved out, we proceeded to the hotel with my parents. My mom had come ................”

 

SOMETHING MOVED MY ATTENTION AND I LEFT IT INCOMPLETE THAT NIGHT

 

 

(188) Self battling wars

What is astonishing is the infinite urge to be heard and what is unanticipated is the perseverance of not uttering a word. Dilemmas are the origins of several undefined ramifications, and anxiety is the by-product of those self battling wars. What remains in hand, most often, is the tiredness of defending self, against someone as important as self, and in chorus, the frustration of winning the fight of mind over heart, ultimately leading that “self” to remain in the solidarity of that “self”.

(187)

Was feeling over worked up since morning. Had got mashedup in my own 'ifs' and 'buts' and 'whys' and 'whast'.Very different and quite sorted out message dropped in my watsapp space...here it goes...

"DON'T LOOK AT WHAT HAS LEFT YOU, LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE LEFT WITH"..

Quite nervesoothing,no matter, even if it worked well...atleast for the day.

And see...

While am writing this...another message popped in..this one's good too...seems God's sending relievers... this one says...

"SPECIAL PEOPLE ARE NOT NEEDED TO BE TALKED DAILY....SOMETIMES 'THEIR MEMORIES' ARE WORTH MORE TO FEEL THEIR CLOSENESS".

Point taken..

Good night..

(186) Forgetfulness

‘Forgetfulness’, is naturally a boon, when dreadful memories are to be flushed away. But not at all a good thing, when you do not wish to, and you cannot provide to forget, even the minutest of the phenomenon.

Certainly, the horrendous and gruesome act of the Delhi rapists, and similar such hundreds of news, kept me in anguish and awake,for all this time, and will keep haunting me till I remain sane, but that could not be the singular cause for my mounting absentmindedness_.

Rapes, Murders, Tragedies always drew my attention more than the other episodes, and I lived every calamity, concurrently while reading each word, felt for it and my heart wept for the same, but that never impacted me so sternly. These days, my memory is in severe denial to support my acts.

Few of the incidents which occurred lately…

Last week, when I went downstairs to drop Charvi for the school bus pick-up, I did so and started having a conversation with a fellow parent, who, also had come to drop her child. I completely forgot that I had locked Nishka sleeping alone in the house, and realized only when that lady asked me about her well being, that was almost about fifteen minutes later. I ran towards my block with heavy heart, full of guilt and distress about my forgetfulness. Thankfully she was still sleeping calmly. I keep forgetting milk, curries, and other stuff after putting them on gas stove for cooking…small things but potentially dangerous. I put on the geyser, iron and I easily forget.

Yesterday, someone reminded me of a good old event of my life and I thought of logging into the email account, in which I had maintained some of the best reminiscences (which were in electronic form).My regular account had been hacked several times in past and hence I had made that account. Alas! One more shocker! The account had been locked, probably because I had not accessed it for very long time. I recovered it through the process mentioned on the site, but I had lost all the data stored in it. I remained retort-less for ample seconds to see that empty mailbox. I immediately started logging in, in all those accounts which I had not visited in recent past. And would you believe! I couldn’t recollect the passwords to some of them and even the login id’s to others. The process of retrieving them also failed because I did not remember the answers to the security questions, the recovery email addresses and all the stuff they wanted me to provide to them, so as to enable them to give me my accounts back. Few blogs which I maintained but never published,  are now not accessible even to myself…

 

I have started forgetting birthdays, important days, my meals…and many big-small things in day to day life….I lost my gold thumbring which was bought by mutual choice of my brother and myself, i cannot relocate it because i don't remember when i wore it last.Whether i took out and put on kitchen platforn while kneading dough or else where while doing some craft. I am not sure if the house maid took it away or what. I simply washed it off..

I used to be the sharpest person in my family in matter of remembering facts, dates, events, not only about my own life, but also of others. What is amazing here is, that my memories about my life previous to this one and a roughly half more year, is still intact and almost as it used to be.

And also, somehow I don’t forget the painful things so easily….

So…what are the cause factors to all this memory loss hubbub,(so called dementia) still remains a mystery. Is it the post partum depression(which, technically speaking, I should have, by now, over-comed, as Nishka is almost a year and a half), or being the overworked mother, or the disquiet of doning too many hats at a time, lack of sleep , or perhaps, the ever wavering mind which hardly settles down with peace.

Whatever it may be..it seems, I am in urgent need of getting into some meditational observe, some yoga..self help practices and some good sleep…

Reminding myself through this note, before I even forget..”who I am”?

P.S.- Tips and advice other than eating almonds, is most welcome.

(185) Year 2013

Earnest Hopes and Hearty Wishes for a better, safer, peaceful, harmonious, and fulfilling New Year for each and every one.May God bless us all with wisdom of choosing,doing and standing for right. May we all learn to be more patient and tolerant, more giving than demanding, more helpful than faultseekers, more appreciating than bitching, more sensible than insensitive, more happier than being gloomy.....

A very very Happy and Beauttiiifffuuuuuuuuullllllllll New Year to you and your family...God Bless

(184) Nirbhaya, Damini,Amanat...

An innocent, non-guilty nirbhaya pays off the price of being an independent girl, price of taking democracy as her right to freedom, by giving away her life to the shameless and cruel act of sexually obsessed psyhcos of our so-called developing India...

May her soul find peace ...

And she died…Nirbhaya, Damini…

“Rape victim”, that is how she was addressed ample times

And the story of brave heart, ended in name of crimes.

 

Every time a woman, a girl, falls prey to rape,

I feel, am the one, who underwent that gape.

I am a helpless coward, who has been following the news,

Ever since I became a girl, and quietly expressed my rues.

 

Since my teenage days, I carried a courageous mask,

To stay safe from tormentors, was never an easy task.

 

I stood for my safeguard, whenever the need arose,

Should I not be thankful, it never went that gross..!

 

I remained an upright girl, went away in wedding cape,

And the thanks got extended, i did not counter the rape.

 

Now, I am a mother, of two beautiful- innocent girls,

Worries of their well being, tears me with the sculls.

 

Like any other woman, now I feel more vulnerable,

I live in a country, where rape is so explicable.

 

No, I haven’t lost my nerves, neither i am acting weepy,

I want my government to know, its attitude is creepy.
 

I know, you are questioning me, how come I spoke today..!

Rapes have always been there, in one or the other way

 

I always wanted to speak, scream and shout aloud,

My spineless stance of life , left me with silent pout.

 

Even this time too, my anguish fuelled my thoughts,

And like always, I gave up, my words to form the clots.

 

But today…I feel ashamed and insecure all the more,

Death of a naïve girl, has put my soul to pour.

 

I don’t know, what is going to be the future of this nation,

When will my country’s government, come back from vacation???...

 

How i wish, i could punish those perverts with my own hands. how i wish i could chop off all such obssessed people with the same weapons they use against women to trash them away after using them off.How i wish, i lived in a safer place than this. How i wish my daughters were to grow up in more secured environment.How i wish that there would be newspapers and newchannels without the rape headlines....

There has to be made, more stringent laws to punish such animals in masks of humans..

 

 

 

 

(183) My brother's wedding

A huge family gahtering.Loads of fun, dance, songs, teasings and lots and lots of work. Had a great time back home during my brothers wedding on 7th dec12. It was very fulfilling to have put so much effort for completing wedding's preparations. I shopped for him, with him, freezed so many important decisions regarding the arrangements and stood by my parents when they needed. Infact, everyone of our close family, siblings, their partners, all were very supportive throughout. Except for two-three spoil sports's tantrum drama(whom we handled in the way best suited to them), all the occassions turned out well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

             It began with Grah Shanti, Mandap Sthapna, then Janoi(a ritual for the groom to start wearing the sacred thread- to be worn by brahmins), Haldi(applying haldi and Oil to the groom)then came Tilak(where my parents gave a reception sort to Valsad people and bride's  family).Next day was Bhaat(my mom's brother giving gifts to groom and family), Chaak-( i dont know exact importance of this ritual but all the ladies went to the potter to bring earthen pots, singing and dancing on the band all through the way) and then Ladies Sangeet. On the  D-day,morning began with Nikaasi(groom riding the horse to the temple) and finally Baraat to the bride's town to get married and get her home.Detailed line out will be given later on...for now..few clicks from the wedding. And yes, i danced and danced to the content of my heart....welcome to the new member in our family...

These are few of the clips i had...rest will be uploaded once i receive them...

(182)WHY

Oh..!! you believe in miracles..!
I am sorry,"I don't".
And if you say, you are the Lord,
Believe in it either, "Sorry I won't".

Density of the blood running in you,
Is not enough thick to keep you mum.
The space between your bones and flesh,
Is it full of me, that makes you numb?

Beyond the cerebral fences all here,
I know, you stroll in the green when alone.
Trust me, the times we breathed together,
Were worthy heaven, don't miss and mourn.

It rains not, just to make wet all around,
It is also to pacify the heat of agonies.
Stretch your hand,feel the fall on your palm,
See, how I have dropped all the water with ease.

No one was born to live without a reason,
We have purposes to fulfill, before the good-bye.
What is, that we did not get enough to love,
Is it so important, to always ask a 'Why'?

(181)Review-Jab tak hai jaan

Charvi and I watched the movie-"Jab tak hai Jaan",last to last Sunday.
Well....it was not upto the expectation..but we enjoyed the songs and the nature captured beautifully.For me it was treat watching Shahrukh Khan on the big screen after a long long time.So was worth it.

(180)Jab tak hai jaan

Hope you all had a bright and safe Diwali....

Can't wait to see Shahrukh again on the silver screen.Trailors and the promotions of the movie"Jab tak hai jaan" are so calling and convincing that I have decided, after a long hiatus, this time i am gonna make it to the movie plex. Charvi and I will trip on the weekend plan and watch the movie. Nishka is a big job if she has to be taken along and hence she better be staying home with her dad.
           Those who have seen the movie and liked it, am all ears. And those didn't like it,please, no reviews to be sent here.Sounds kiddish and teenage types, well..thats always gonna be the case if thats revoloving  Shahrukh Khan.

           Trailors have been tailored well, or so it seems. What a deadly combination..Shahrukh as the defence personnel..Amazing he looks..dashing, stunning , macho..iresistible.And the songs..they are simply magical. The best is "Saans main teri saans ayi to mujhe saans aayi"..and the Heer one sung by Hardeep Kaur......"mainu lae jaye mirza koi" is mesmerizing. I will be very happy if this movie does well..and even if it does not..that doesn't really make a difference...i love him anyways...There was no newspaper today..so no reviews and i do not wish to surf the net for the same.

           Hope to see him soon.....
My reviews to follow my meeting with him.
 

(179) I love my father very much

Yesterday, Charvi could not take along the animal pictures to school which she was supposed to, because of the last minute print  i tried to take and the printer showing the tough ways.Bus arrived and she left. Printer worked ok after that, and I quickly took the print outs,labelled them, put in envelope, took Nishka and ran down to the parking, pulled out the car and rushed to reach her school in time. I managed to hand over those to the security and started back again. While returning,Nishka became restless and hence managing the car with right hand and Nishka with other, i missed the balance for a split second and ...what...i also escaped the near death, could be fatal accident of that day. It was the second time i experienced such a thing, and both happened while touring to Charvi's school. Well..why i mentioned this, is because of two reasons. One-avoid driving with infants without attendant, and two- the beautiful serene morning I experienced, strongly reminded of  Pune mornings. Twice i had driven out during early hours in Pune and those were the beautiful times.
              But,the last days of Pune were not that beautiful. My father who had come to help us out in the movement, encountered a severe heart attack just before an hour of his scheduled departure with my mom from Pune.It was 7th April'12. We had already vacated the house a day before and were put up at the hotel. Doctors scared us big time[ i am using the word scared because thats what i felt when the doctors team of so called alpha chain of hospital(i do not wish to take the name) tried to take the advantage of our fears and ignorance of the medical technicalities and the delicacy of the time]. Doctors asked me take the decision within ten minutes of time, whether my father should be operated or not.His angiography had been done which reported two blockages with 60 and 80 percent each. They told me that being the closest blood relative available there and my mother being almost paralyzed by the fearful thoughts, i was supposed to give away the green for his operation. My brothers whom i talked to on the phone, told me that whatever decision i would make, would be their decision too. They entrusted my father onto Dheeraj and myself.My dilemma was neither for the hefty amount they qouted, nor regarding the capabilities of the doctors, but for the fact that- was that surgery appropriate for him then and there or should he be considered for a second opinion. Within that crucial ten minutes, we spoke to a heart surgeon through a friend and one of our relative who is a doctor himself. Both advised that most importantly -with the kind of blocakges he had and seeing that we had no home there anymore, and that it would not be feasible for him to follow up in Pune for future treatments, he should be made stable and then taken to his home town and then be operated within a months time. It was the toughest moment of my life, to see my mother dipping every moment in the abyss of worries and my father laying at the hands of those so called best doctors who tried their best to make the most (financial benefits) out of our emotions, and then to take the best decision about my father's life. I signed off the consent that my father be made stable and then releived to be sent home. Both my brothers reached Pune by next day early morning. We cancelled our tickets and all of us stayed back for next five days till the hospital declaread my father safe. My brother flew him to Ahmedabad after that, consulted other doctors and they gave my father the time of a month to make up his mind for getting operated, because he was not very willing for the same. After a month,on 14th May, he got operated in Ahmedabad. We went there and then I went to Valsad with my parents and stayed there for about a month.Thankfully everything turned out well, and he has recovered completely. But incidents like escaping the fatalities by the hairstrand chances, always reminds me of the repurcussions a wrong decision, a foul moment and the destined event can bring about in life. It revisingly points out the bittermost truth of life, that the life is not permanent, that happiness is not permanent, sorrow is not permanent.....nothing is permanent...so live every moment with the utmost honesty towards -yourself atleast.
                                         Such incidents also reminds me of the importance of those people in my life, whom I love and those who have enriched my life with their love.
                                  

(178) Love

One who gets perturbed the most,
By the fact,
That you slept hungry,
Is perhaps,
The one,
Who loves you the most..

(177) Little Ganesha

                         Writing and Reading are very close to my heart.At many occassions, i felt the strong urge to write and share what i felt, but the drive of denial always overtook the craving for writing. And at times, i did write but never considered uploading here. However yesterday, when i experienced something different and unsual which was beyond my banausic explanation, i decided to express.

                            Last year during Ganesh festival,we had ushered home Ganesha, as it was promised to Charvi a year before. My next door neighbour-friend in Pune, had helped me out to buy one idol, as I had not yet started driving then,after Nishka's birth.This year again, because of Dheeraj's usual official travelling, there remained a doubt, if we will be able to bring home Ganesha, because by now Nishka has become super hyperactive and its very difficult for me to drive with her and even Charvi cannot control her mischiefs. I was feeling little sad that Charvi may not be happy about all this.

                     It seemed my stars moved to blithe zone in last few days. One morning, when I was doing my chores with generating minimum disturbance possible, so as to not wake up the kids, i heard Nishka calling out for me.She repeatedly called "Mamma,Mamma".i went into the room and said, "yes Nishka"..she said.."mamma, laa..buuu..namu"..she meant..love you..nammi"..every morning when she wakes up..i greet her saying..love you Nishka, nammmi,namki,nam-nam, tumpa and all the other names which i address her with..Believe me...in days..this was the best morning..love explored in the flawless form.Am not sure if she even knows what she
said-means!,but her gesture was to greet me with a smile and wish, the way i do to her everyday.
               
                      And last week, on ganesh chaturthi, again as i was trying to finish my daily chores without disturbing the kids, Charvi woke up, gave a smile to me and went straight into her room. I thought, may be she wants to do drawing-coloring, because thats what she loves the most and does whenever she gets an opportunity. After about a fifteen minute or so, when i heard no noise from her room, i wondered what she was doing so silently. i went to her room to check out on her and guess what..!! Anon I was welcomed by another great and beautiful surprise of the time. she had made a fine idol of ganesha from her play dough, and all on her own.i was overwhelmed and left speechless.i was really happy, that God had made a way on his own to visit our home. I did Ganesh Sthapna with the same idol and all three of us did Puja for next five days.

                    Yesterday, as the Ganesh visarjan was scheduled by the society members for the Idol brought in the Commom Pandal, we decided to the same for our Ganesha as well.After performing the last ceremony, it was time to bid adieu to the little Ganesha.Nishka was sleeping, so I asked Charvi to look after her and meanwhile i would go and leave the idol and be back in the quickest of time. Charvi kissed her ganesha bye and I carried Ganesha in my hands to abode him in the
pandal.While i came down through the lift and was walking the distance to reach there, a gush of emotions rushed through my veins and i felt numb in the feet. I sensed  a lump in my throat and an eccentric concern of saying good-bye to a loved one,dismayed my mind.And before the tears could make their way through my eyes, i had reached the pandal,where a crowd of more than hundered people was present. i tried to control my commotion and went ahead, gently placed our ganesha amongst lots of other idols which were there, perhaps been put by other residents.I bowed down, prayed and stood up to move out.But something in me was not ready to part form the place. I again looked at our idol and this time, and this time i could not hold my tears anymore. they rolled down through my cheeks and fell on my feet. i felt a strong thrust to go and hold him back and hug him and bring him back home.leaving him was so burdensome. i apperceived as if i was letting a peice of my heart go away.i felt motherly love towards that baby ganesha and thought as if it was born of my own womb. How could i let my baby go away?..I stood crying for sometime, then wiped my face with my duppatta and quickly walked out of the pandal..every step i walked away from there, was full of nostalgia and plenary love.i came home and went back to the puja room, it seemed so empty.
                 
                   In my childhood days, my mother use to bring home ganesha every year. But never in my life i felt so strongly as i did this time.I have always tried to analyse every situation and occurence of my life. But this time, i really dont wish to scrutinise anything. why,how, what...nothing..nothing at all...
                     I have wondered many a times and i think i still wonder sometimes, that "what is love actually, though i have said "I love you" so so many times...But believe me, this time i apprehended divine love in two variant ways in last ten days...i really dont want to dig into the phenomenon to undertand its reasoning...i am utterly happy to have experienced this...and every time i think of it...my eyes still showers the rain....
                

 

                      Looking forward to welcome Ganesha next year and years to come..

(176)These days

I know, since long time, my posts just appeared to be so lifeless, a run through without soul in it.Perhaps, this is how the life is as of now, too busy to hold on to and too slow to meet the needs. Well, in the same breath, here's again a short run through.
Feels as if God has put me on some kind of testing spree, and is in no mood to get me over it. As i shared earlier, my tooth treatment is still on and wonder how long its gonna take to be done with it. Few days before diwali, i faced some engorgement problem, got fever with chills, and fainted flat on the floor at 2.30 in the night. Gained consciousness in some minutes, but got bad hurts on my face,hand,head, infact entire left side of the body got hurt.Doctor gave me some antibiotics, advised rest and suggested to see the neuro if the head spinning doesn't stop.i was too exhausted to do anything for Charvi in Diwali and also, a small puja for nishka was to be done in the same week. i went to my mom's place for a week, celebrated Diwali with my parents after almost 15-16 years, performed nishka's puja and came back to pune. though it was very fulfilling, but my in laws were not very happy about it, and some cross words created hurt feelings, i cried a lot during those days, but things got settled down when my in laws gave a surprise visit here.
ya,but the headache and the abdominal pain didn't wanted to leave me and hence i showed to the doc again. she took some sonography tests and said that my abdominal cavity as observed from the upper layer, seemed to be deeper than it should be and the muscles have become week and hence the pain and so the trouble with the lower back as well. she advised me to see the physiotherapist.oh lord...that was one more task added, i visited physio and she said, i need to see her everyday for half an hour or so for the exercises, which was so practically impossible for me. i asked for another option, and she said,i should visit her weekly, learn some exercises, practice them at home, do treadmill and cycling in gym, go for a walk, and show her the progress every week...believe me, i haven't seen her yet again..and the neuro was on week's holiday and hence that visit too, is still pending.god am so much trapped up with thousand things going around. In the meanwhile, the honey bee, living in the out-chamber of the AC in the balcony, came to visit me and gave a kiss on my elbow.Delicate Me, could not bear it, poison spread through the arm,it got badly swollen, i could not bend it, let it loose, or even carry its weight on me, so i had to see the doc again. omg..tablets again...
well...yeh to chalta hi rahega...as i said, god is testing me.

On the good notes...i earned a great hour of happiness in just 50 rupees. last sunday, i had gone to reliance mart to buy vegetables.while i was waiting my turn in the billing queue, i saw some curious kids staring at the chocolate stand. the little girl who must have been around 7 years asked her brother,around 10 years old to buy her the 10 rupee dairy milk. he said he could not buy her that as they were five of them in the group and he had only 10 rupees. i called them near and gave all of them one chocolate each. except that elder brother, all of them took it. he said, "no, we wont take, why are you giving it to us?" i said, "it's my birthday" he said, "no u are lying". i got little perplexed and said, "no, its my daughter's b'day'."he asked me again,"are u sure?". i said,"ya, please take it"..then he too took it, and all of them shook hands with me, and said thank you one by one.throughout the way, driving back home, i was thinking about those innocent glares at the chocolate, that dismay for not being able to buy them, and the self-worth denial to accept it from me, and at last those smiling faces and heartfelt thanks...i bet, 50 rupees and a small lie,just made my day.

(175)I thought

I thought,
I could not save you,
from me...

And so,
I let you,
Let you to be...

Someone,
I would not know,
Would not care for...

Someone,
Who would walk past me,
And therefore...

Straightened,
That which was tangled
In the oblivion...

Mollified,
That which was mounted
In love scion...

Craziness,
Hence called it off,
Once, it was high pitched..

Endurance,
That lived in liaison,
Poor thing, got ditched...

For good,
If anything occurred
That's the slice of smirk on you...

And better,
If you wanna reckon,
Brood over your heart, would you?

(174)Guilt Gyration

May be I choose not to,
May be I am scared.;
It’s hard to forgive one-self,
It’s tough to say I care!

Beyond the world of compulsions,
And over the thought of hatred;
There’s a clout besieging me,
Nothing less than sacred!

I confront on and off,
And still I revere the flow;
Flow of willful surrender
Chased by conflict though!

I do not know sometimes,
Why and where do I head;
Does every life keep going,
meager to earn the bread!

Resentful approach at times,
does pacify the abrasion;
But the very thought of forgiving,
Put back in guilty gyration!

(173) Revisiting

But for what I have written in the header of the blog page, I owe a responsibility towards my reader to update that I am alive. Lots and lots have been missed to be told, but somehow I feel less of my heart is helping me do that. Yet, let me try and word down what all I can, leaving rest to rest in the rust pan of my mind and memories.

Long back, I had written in one post, that if I have to be blessed with another child, it should be a daughter again, with a blend of Charvi and Nishi. Someone put me a comment and wished me luck to have my wishes fulfilled. It seems, the prayer were too genuine to be turned down by the almighty himself. I gave birth to a sweet angel on 12th of July, Though, since then, I have been struggling with one or other challenge, but the bare hugs of my kids help me live again whenever I loose hope in the thing called life.
I named her Nishka, which means honest, and pure as gold. She caught jaundice immediately after her birth, took two months to get cured. She is doing good now.
I contracted infections with almost all of my teeth, the treatment showed me hell. When I learnt to cope with that, another disease visited me for a while, somehow I fought it back, only to welcome conjunctivitis. Next was the pain of raw stitches, which again took long to get cured. Then visited the worst, so called postpartum depression, which I feel is still in no mood to leave me alone. However, good things kept surfacing every now and then, to help me survive the ups and downs. My brother came to see me first from my mom’s side. Then came my parents on my birthday. I was very very glad to see my father, who came to my home for the first time ever. Then came my younger brother on Rakhi, he stayed for three days and kept the mood of the house so alive. Charvi participated in various competitions during ganesh festival which was being celebrated in the society. She won some of them. She also brought home Ganesha for three days, it was a very good feeling to have such celebration at home. Again after few days, my mom came back for a fortnight to help me out, as I was alone with the kids. I spent good time with my mother, we talked for long hours and shared old memories.

Life taught me some unforgettable lessons during this three months through various means. Some good observations and some sad notifications.

Why do we all just want to run through the life and finish it off like a race, when we all know that the destination for all of us is the very same, sooner or later, we are all goona go to the same place.

Life treats people differently:-

*One of my uncle, who was calmly seated and lost in some work, was accidentally crushed down on his legs by his friend with a mishandled vehicle. He stayed in the hospital for two months and came home with just one leg, and that too with no faults of his…he was famous for his jovial nature and ferocious dancing abilities. I spoke to him several times to give him some moral support, and every time after I hung, I realized I did that, less to support him and more to support myself and uplift my spirit, thinking that he being in such pain is so strong, why can’t I handle the roughs of the time.

*Another friend informed me about her divorce, which she was forced upon.
*Three of my friends, left India to settle abroad

*My brother bought a new car, I am so happy for him.

* Two of my cousins got engaged, one is getting married in December and another in January…I so much look forward to go to Ahmedabad to attend the Jan wedding. I hope I do.I also have three other December wedding invitations from ahmedabad, it is so tempting to get to see my city by any means.

* One day when I called my mom and asked where my father was, she said he had gone to the veterinary hospital to show the cat who was not eating her meal since three days. Next day she told me, the cat was detected with cancer and my father was very upset about the same. That cat is my father’s adorable friend and she too loves my father the same way. Also, she is Charvi’s biggest attraction to go to my mom’s place. Doctor said, she won’t live for long, I don’t know how will charvi deal with this, when she will not find her on her next visit. I know my father too will miss her, but he will keep himself busy with his dogs, visiting cows, squirrels, sparrows and alike non human living beings, serving them.

*It rained today like it had never rained this season, hefty, crazy, mad, unstoppable…!!
Believe me, somehow it was so relieving to see something go crazy like this. It seemed limitless and free. I had taken charvi to a birthday party, and it started raining while we were still there. I tried to rush back home, but could not stop myself from being laid back and enjoying the drive, splashing the heavy rains….it was terrific.. I felt so immersed and happily lost..

*A confession…Often I make up my mind to write, what I strongly feel I should pour out, but don’t know what stops me from switching on my laptop….I simply give in to the resentful mind, and sit back with the thoughts getting dried up and hence I don’t update my blog.
May be , it’s a phase too..and perhaps, will pass by, as every facet of the life has..!!

(172) Fear

If I write what I had been thinking all this afternoon, it would take two more hours and several lengthy pages. But, i am completely exhausted at this moment.Tired physically, mentally and emotionally.
Almost lived three decades of my life and what do I see?..A flashback of innumerable unforgettable moments and people. Endless joys and achievements with a mixture of loses and pains. But, today sitting here, i feel it was all worth it. I know, i have complained endless times about endless things not going right in my life, but that's not true. God hasn't been that unfair to me. May be I expected more than I deserved. But now I know, we get what we deserve, what we earn through our deeds. No pain, no joy comes without the other side to it. So here, a very hearty acceptance to everything, good and bad, that has ever occurred in my life.
I had been always been adventurous with almost every aspect of my life. I urge to write so many beautiful, not so good and close to my heart events over here, but as i said, i am not left with anymore energy right now. So cutting it short, i just wanna say that i am happy with everything that i had, and i have.
You must be wondering why suddenly such a heart flow from my side. Seems, the stars have decide to melt the stone out of me. Last Few days had been real roller-coaster rides in all fields of life and what came today was the climax i believe.
No joy can exceed the pain of giving birth to your child. Charvi made me mother almost five years back. Many things changed into me as a person. To be a mother again is no less a challenge with thousand things on hand. My pregnancy this time too hasn't been a very fair ride. twice i was advised bed-rest, once i was checked for gestational diabetes, and today during a routine check-up, i was told that the thickness of my earlier C-section to the internal surface,appears to be no more than 4 mm, which is not only a risk to the baby but to the mother as well. Anytime rupture due to the pressure may prove fatal. I was suppose to wait for almost a month more before my baby came into this world but now the scenario has changed. Everything happened so sudden, i am unable to gather the series of incidents and wait to think what would happen?.. But one fear which remain constant throughout my pregnancy has gained momentum. I know, it is going to sound very foolish and self empathizing, but i need to write this over here, i need to share my fear. I had been telling everyone all this while that i am scared i may not survive the operation, i don't know why but i had been getting this strange feeling all the while. Even on the lighter note, i would tell my folks about all the things i want them to do when i die. I want them to serve ice-cream to every one who comes to give condolences. There are so many things i want people to do if i don't come back home.i know, you would say," you are not gonna die so soon"..i know that too..but still i am scared, i am scared within. I am not scared of dying as i always said. But i think, at the moment this fear has gained momentum because i am already a mother. i don't want to leave charvi alone. i know, her father and everyone else can take very good care of hers, but still i don't want to leave my child and go, not until she grows up enough to take care of herself. i am sure, all those who care for me, would take me to be a selfish person who is considering herself nothing else but a mother alone. i know, if i die, many others would feel bad. my parents, my siblings, my husband, my family, my friends and my well-wishers who wants me to be happy. i know they all care for me.i know everything you see, but still i don't know why i feel so pessimistic. i know, i should not bring negative thoughts at this moment.but am just being honest, i want to bring out this fear.
the doctor wanted me to get admitted by ten this evening, but i requested her to admit me tomorrow morning( well by now , i think it has already turned into today)..my mother will reach at 4 in the morning, my mom in law will reach next day.and i had been running here and there to finish off so many tasks before i bid a bye to my folks. oh god, i am so exhausted. it felt, as if life is very short and tasks endless. three and half more hours to go. they want me to be there at-least 4-5 hours previous to the operation. i hope, i win over my fear.First time, i was unknown to the procedure, and also i was given a general anesthesia, so it was easier to go through the brunt. but now, i know what they do in a c-section and to worsen my fear, the doctor said they wont give me a general anesthesia this time, they only give the spinal one. i was into tears when she said that. i told her, that the mere feeling of my finger going numb makes me nervous, then how will overcome the feeling of not feeling half of my body for long hours. she said, i will be able to cope with it. i hope, i do.
i told my sister last week, that things really don't go as i plan. it is so true that god's plans are above everyone's else's. i thought i had enough time to settle down and welcome my baby, but it seems stars has decided else. i can only hope and pray that i am there to hold my baby, and to see the joy on charvi's face when her long time wish is fulfilled. i don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow.if i am all well, i will get back soon to bother you with my posts and if my fear proves true and i don't, then i want to use this as an opportunity to thank almighty, my parents, family and every single person who made my life so special and meaningful, to give me more than i deserved,to love in abundance, to make me feel that i am important and to stand by my side whenever i needed support. May god bless all of you and keep you happy always.take care.