Time and again,I prove it to myself that am a very bad human being.Call it my short temperdness,impatience,anguish,tension,negative feelings or the repercussions I bring about due to these bad qualities/of mine and the relative circumstances.All this add to my reasons for self guilty.
I usually work on my laptop keeping it on its fixed table accompanied with comfortable chair.But today(26thJune’08) due to my backache, I preferred sitting on my bed to do my work.I rested my back on a pillow supported to the wall to which the bed is kept attached and kept the laptop on other pillow laid on my laps.As soon as I started my work, my daughter Charvi began to interrupt me by either touching the keyboard or pulling the pillow out and all such things.While I was trying to persuade her to stay calm,I received a phone call and meanwhile I concluded the call she had already done some damage to my laptop.I lost my temper completely and shouted at her at the top of my voice,bet her callously,shook her badly with both my hands not paying attention to her nonstop gushing tears and heart wrenching cries.She was completely terrified.When I had done blowing out all my anger onto her,I calmed down.She was still sobbing hesitatingly as I had commanded her not to cry.In her tattered words she said she wanted to go to the toilet.when I helped her remove her pants , I realized how brutal mother I had been to her few minutes ago.I felt sorry for her and when she was done with her toilet she came to me and asked if she could sit on my lap.I took her in my arms,hugged her tight and made her sit where she wanted.I moved my hand on her back and hips where I had slapped her to feel the lumps formed by my hard hitting hands.I asked her who bet her and why to which her truthful innocence poured out and she said mamma bet me because I broke her laptop and then she assured me that she wont do it again.I told her I was sorry for what I did and she said in her childish voice,’’its okay mamma” in the same way as we tell her when she says sorry for something wrong she does.But the big difference here was,often when we grown ups say ‘its okay’,we tend to make the other person feel obliged, but when she said ‘its okay’..it was absolute forgiveness,forgiveness for the heinous act I did to her only sometime back.Nothing else could have put me to more shame and pity for self as the act of my child pardoning me so easily, did.
I thought about it, which I have done so earlier too,so many times,about my being so bad to such a little wonder of God,my innocent daughter and persistently I have come to a conclusion that it is most likely the outcome of many hitches mixed together.My personal inadequacies like short temperdness,lonliness,inferiority due to non-continuance of my career,my high expectations of perfection from my child,physical fatigue due to running around behind her throughout the day and trying to keep the house intact as per my liking(which though is not possible when there’s a little child in it with her father alike) and most importantly lack of some time for self ,does possibly act as the main cause of my rage and fury.But then is she to be blamed for everything.No..precisely not..because it was our decision to bring her to existence so then its our duty to impart her all she needs, most importantly the time.And honestly I tried to work upon myself so much so to get accommodated to this permanent change of life and to a great extent I have succeded even, but then I don’t know what happens to me at times,I feel stretched and so I burst out like this and to confess candidly I have done so earlier also few times which I know is very bad. though it has never been worse like today. I have promised myself so many times not to repeat such things,but I fail,I fail always.What should I do?And again today,I have put myself to a test of life,a promise I have made to myself to prove that I am not as bad as I think I am and this I can do only by controlling myself and judging the situations purely on its occurrence and thus acting rightfully as required.
All the time when I was writing this, she was lying by my side on the bed putting her hand on my stomach and looking straight into my face.Whenever I looked at her and gave her a smile,she asked me to continue my work and that she will sleep on her own.Just imagine a girl who is not even two years old,where does she exhibits such wisdom from.She is indeed a true picture of god as often said by my mother in law.I pray to God to impart me a bit of this wisdom and not be a foolish to do such things again.You know,whenever I beat her or scold her,I feel very bad afterwards,I feel like crying and punishing myself.I cannot even see her dad scolding her yet in the lightest tone of voice.But then how can I be so rude??
I wish and hope I take care to be less impatient while dealing with her who is the best gift of my life.She is the one who made me understand so many things in the better form.
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