(168) Diamond Ring

My first diamond ring,
As a lovely gift I got;
I wore it for long,
And I loved it a lot..

Crisply curved thin band,
With three stones on it;
It adored my finger well,
Oh certainly it did!

Since morning I did check,
My finger hundred times;
I felt something was missing,
Fault was surely mine..

I had been so much used to,
Wearing it on my hand;
It became a part of me,
More than just a band..

However, it's not good,
To get so much engrossed;
Neither with man,nor mania,
All does melt like frosts..

I put it off my finger,
With some notion yesterday;
Let me see, how it feels,
Without it anyway...

(167) My parent's house

Yesterday was my brother’s birthday and today is my mom’s. My mother turned 51 years today. I had plans to celebrate her birthday with me in Pune, but she could not make it to come with me when I came back from Valsad. It was a very different experience during this stay over there. I did not roam around much, did not meet any relatives, stayed home almost all the time and had a good vacation. Charvi too, enjoyed a lot with her cousins.1^st June was my father’s birthday and he turned 54 years old that day. Somehow, plans to celebrate his birthday, like we did last year(entire family was present), could not be accomplished as well, because he came back from Delhi the same day and was totally tired. But we did small celebration at home. That was a fun too. That morning when I was talking to my grandmother and we were awaiting my father’s arrival, she told me about an incident which had occurred several years ago. My father was 16 years old then and it was his birthday. My grandfather got annoyed about something and slapped my father for the first time in his life. My father left home and went to Delhi to my grandfather’s elder brother’s house. My grandparents got worried and started searching for him everywhere. They were informed by their relatives in a week’s time(they had no phone). My grandfather immediately left for Delhi to bring my father back home. Meanwhile my father was asked by his uncle to go and bring his cousin home from her in-law’s living in some city in north. He was kidnapped by some goons on his way, and he realized this when he gained his consciousness back near Agra. He managed to fool them and escaped from their tangles. After all this adventure, he came back to Delhi and was brought back home to Valsad. My grandfather promised him that he will never hit him again. I could never imagine my father to be so rebellious. Well, several other small stories were shared by my grandmother.

             The house where my family lives as of now was bought by my father 23 years ago. On 18^th June 1988, we shifted into this house. It was an old architectural built up. We had bought it second hand. Earlier, my father had bought some fresh property but due to the large distance between our school and that house, he sold that off and decided to buy this one which was a fifteen minutes walk from our school, ten minutes walk from the station, and twenty minutes walk from the main market. I crisply remember the layout of this house as it was then. Wooden gate to the garden made the main entrance to the house. There was enough open area on all the four sides of the constructed living space. About nine large trees and lots of small plants, weeds and it was green everywhere. To recall, there were two mango trees, one curry leaves tree, one custard apple tree, one banyan tree, one tamarind tree, and papaya tree, one guava tree and one more, but I don’t remember that one. Main construction had about six rooms and two store room kinds on either sides of the house. As a kid, it seemed to be a large house then, though the one which we had left before moving in this, was also a big one with gardens on three sides of the house, servant quarters and lots of trees, but that was a government quarter given to my grandfather. Over the period of years, this house saw lot of changes in its basic structure. Except one mango tree and a custard apple tree, all other trees were chopped off to bring up more seven rooms which were rented out. Wooden fencing which separated our house from our neighbor’s, turned into a concrete wall. Neighbor family on our right hand side consisted of almost sixty members that time, it was a huge house and a big family. The great grandmother of that family was very fond of me, she use to call me Indira, referring to our late PM Mrs. Indira Gandhi. She would always be seated on the wooden bench kept outside her room in the garden and would often call my name through the wooden fencing and ask me to get her betel box from inside and help her do her pan(betel leaf). Her youngest son, whom we called Anna chacha, would always tease me and say that he would never have a baby girl because girls would turn out to be naughty like me. Once irritated by his repeated comments, I told him that he will have five daughters in his life. I never knew my words would turn out to be true. Five daughters were born to his wife and then he passed away. All his daughters are truly beautiful. I saw them all together for the first time during this stay.  I did not live much in this house as I went to live with my maternal grandparents in Ahmedabad for studies. My teenage began and ended in Ahmedabad. But I still have many beautiful memories attached to this house. My siblings, my cousins and friends, we all played lots of games in the compound of this house. This house has seen different times throughout. Lots of ups and downs, achievements, loses, ill-healths, accidents, celebrations, gatherings, good-byes, lazy days, awaken nights, birth( baby boy was born to a tenant twenty years back) and death( my grandfather passed away in 2008).

             My father is very fond of animals and mother is fond of trees. After being  chopped off initially, few other trees were planted over years. Until last year, among others, one coconut tree used to be the grace of the house, but this year, it was not there. Now, this house has one mango tree which is the oldest amongst all and has been walled in, in a room without a concrete roof( we call this room ambe-wala room), a new curry leaf tree, one belgiri tree, one guava, one pomegranate, one banana and one shoe-flower tree, lots of small plants, all of them standing in the least space they could occupy. I spent lot of time with these trees during this stay. Mornings were beautiful with the chirping sound of the birds living on these trees. Cool breeze through the day made summers pleasing. Only disturbance this time, were the new guests who made our mango tree their home. The cranes, they made the whole place white with their shit and spoiled lots of fruits, but their numbers decreased with the rains, probably they flew away for better accommodation.

            Entertainment for the kids were the animals who frequented our house for their meals. Cows and dogs for chapattis(made specially for them) and bread buns(my father buys for them everyday), Squirrels and birds for grains, and a naughty cat who does not drink any other milk but Amul gold( she is overly pampered by my father, an irritation for my mother and Charvi’s best friend in there). Everytime charvi talks to my father on phone, she enquires about the cat’s well being. She has named her Toma. Charvi and her cousins kept my father busy this vacation by making him feed and over feed the animals, making him buy them chocolates three-four times a day. They would ring the temple bell all through the time he does his Puja and in his absence they would make a mess of all the things in the temple. Charvi had fun to the content of her heart. And the best part was the everyday treat of mangoes. Valsad’s mangoes are very famous for their unique taste. Every three days, my mother would get 40-50  kg raw mangoes and arrange them to get ripe and then serve us all at every meal. She filled my car with the mangoes before I left home. We are still relishing them. I gave some to my neighbors, maids, cook and friends, and it gives such a happy feeling to know that they all liked what my mom sent.

                  Everything was so pleasant and fulfilling this time, except for my mom’s repeated insistence to sell this house off. She is so much done with it. She wants to move in, in a smaller place. She feels lonely without kids. Though she keeps herself busy with many social activities, but still sometimes she behaves like a complete loner. In all, they are three people living there. My father, mother and grandmother. Grandmother keeps herself busy with  puja and T.V all through the day. She remains in her room most of the time. My father keeps himself busy with his business. And my mom tries to kill her time in her bhajan-madli activities. I talk to her very frequently on phone, sometimes she sounds very energetic and positive about life and sometimes she seems to be tired and so much done with everything. These days, she only talks about either selling this house off or redoing it completely as it is a very old fashioned one and she gets tired keeping it upright, especially because getting a good maid is a big problem in that area. Lets see, what it turns out to be? Whether they sell it off or reconstruct it, I will miss every part of it.

(166) Mother's day -8th May

Yesterday was Mother’s day. Messages started pouring in since morning. I wished my mom, and my daughter wished me.


Day proceeded as usual and I got engaged in daily chores. In the afternoon, I got sometime with myself. I sat relaxed and slipped into various thoughts regarding my mom. Several times earlier too, I had crossed this thought and did again yesterday. I often feel that I am not as good a mother to my child as my mother was to us. The level of patience and understanding she demonstrated whole life and does till date is commendable. I never recall an inch of ego in the exchanges we ever had with our mother. For that matter, I even salute my mother-in-law who is a great support and seeked-back preference to her kids. My daughter always tells me that she loves me and I am the best mother, but somehow I still feel some void in myself which I believe affects my role as a good mother. I loose my cool so many times, I shout on her, I hit her and then all I do is simply cry and regret my actions. I wonder why don’t I learn from my mother and from my mistakes? Why do I repeat my wrong acts? I really feel bad about me being bad at times.

I did not send any SMS to my friends, neither did I replied to the received ones. The pain was for having lost one good mother recently. My Ahmedabad visit was quite good this time except for one bad thing which turned out to be the worse encounter of my stay over there. When I was at my aunt’s place in Kalol, my uncle received a call and it was my best friend at other end. She was sobbing and asked for my number.( She had lost it due to some error and could not get it again because I did not call her for almost eleven months as I was annoyed with her for some reason, and perhaps she did the same although I tried calling her husband on few occasions but could never get through). My uncle handed over the phone to me. She was crying and told me about her mother’s road accident. I asked her what was her mom’s condition.? She replied in one sentence, “Mita, please come, I need you, aunty is going”. I assured her I will be with her in next three to four hours. I left for Ahmedabad and called her when I reached my brother’s house. For some reasons, she did not give me the exact details of the hospital and asked me not to leave home before she confirms me to do so. I kept calling her all through the day, and during the last call that night she told me that her mother had gained consciousness and will recover soon. She further asked me not to visit the hospital and wait till her mom gets discharged and then I could see her at home. I agreed but doubted her truth. I kept enquiring from every possible source but she had done her job well. Everyone in my family knew what had happened but no one informed me until the day when I called her and told her that I was going to visit her mother next day. It was then when she tried several ways to reveal the truth that her mother was no more. I felt hurt, very hurt to have lost such a lovely person, to not have been able to see her for the last time and felt worse to not have been able to be by my friend’s side when she needed me the most. I cried for long and asked her why she did so, though the answer was very obvious. Keeping my health in consideration, she didn’t want me to take any shock. What a strong woman she is, just like her mother ! I was very attached to aunty and she too treated me always like her daughter. For days and till now, I keep thinking about that incident which has shaken the pillars of that beautiful family. She was the less-spoken foundation of that strongly bonded unit. My friend’s parents had a love marriage. I never saw this couple having any obvious tiff or argument in-front of others. I am sure there may be few, but the bond of love was always stronger than anything else. My friend told me her father was a completely dismayed person now, but pretends to be strong to help the kids. I know it is gonna be very tough for all of them to cope with this huge loss, but I can pray and hope that they reel out of this misfortune bravely and live their lives as that great woman had always dreamt for them.



Last week, I narrated to my friend the incident of my mother slapping me hard on my cheek just about 10 days before I got married( and this slap came after almost 16-17 years since my childhood days). The reason was that I chose to fight for the truth in-front of several relatives, and thereby embarrassing one of them, when my mother had expected me to keep quiet to avoid any undue hurt feelings. I was very upset then, but I understand today what was my mother’s dilemma at that time. She could rightly rely on and dominate her daughter rather than arguing with so called relatives. I understand this better today because I am a mother too. I often vent out my anger and frustration on Charvi when I am unable to do so with those causing that anger. I know, this is utterly wrong and I try to change this attitude of mine. I hope, I will be able to do so very soon. Charvi is a wonderful child who has taught me some beautiful lessons of my life and she keeps a check on me in her own innocent ways, when I mislead the track of life.



The best gift any woman can get in her life is the opportunity to be a mother, to bring a new life and to be the torch-bearer to the new creation of almighty. I may have done several wrongs, I may have hurt many people, I may have taken wrong decisions, I may not have been the best of human being, but one thing I can swear on my soul( for those who believe in swearing) that I have been the most honest of my being when it comes to be a mother. I may or may not succeed as the most successful one, but my efforts to give my child the best, are the best I could make, though they are always less in my view. At times, I get to hear some bitter words for this dedication of mine, but it comes all worth when my child hugs me very tight with her heart in the arms, when she kisses me the purest of it, when she sounds worried about my silence, when she moves her soft hands on my forehead to relive me of my pain, when she shares her favourite chocolates with me, when she says she wants to be like me, when she says that I am beautiful, when she says that I am the best mom, when she gives the best smile to make me feel happy…when she reminds me that she is a part of me and I am the mother to this beautiful soul…yes, all the pains, woes and disputations falls in congruence to worth, when I see myself as no one else, but a mother.

(165) Random

On the night previous to last, I was online around midnight. I received a buzz which said, “Why don’t you update your blog?”. I didn’t wanted to reply to that particular buzz, but I really had no answer. Well, then I thought of visiting the blog and check what was the last thing I wrote. It seems, I hadn’t shared things for long. Chalo, then here’s a short brief out. Hmm, to start with, I enjoyed India-pakistan and India-Srilanka matches thoroughly. The world cup was an awesome event. Ya but before that, I had tough time running between hospital and home, for fifteen days. Dheeraj fell sick and was admitted on a critical note of doctor with threatening reveals. Time passed by with things turning out thankfully positive. Then we won the world cup. I watched it in Four Seasons restaurant in Ambey Valley(Sahara’s resort in lonavala) with my friend and her daughter, and Charvi. Four of us were loud on cheers all through, and I ordered a wonderful hot chocolate sizzling brownie with ice-cream and chocolate sauce to celebrate the victory. Oh, it was pleasingly exhaustive evening. And yes, a week later, I distributed sweets among people to thank powers which helped India win.

                 Then, I got busy with Charvi’s school matters, her annual day was  a great hit. She performed Cindrella. Her results for Jr.K.G. were graded great. She got a week off, and then started off with her new session of Sr.K.G..But it had to be put on halt, because I got her to travel with me to Ahmedabad Journey was good otherwise, except for the part that got me tired, which was the ordeal of answering all the queries of quiz master Charvi. Since I have reached my aunts place, she has been treating me with various delicacies throughout the day. In last, four days, I have cherished dal-dhokli, poha,andhwa, khichu,pulao,bhakri, masala khichdi, gujarati dal and kadhi, home-made sandwiches, ..the list is long. Tomorrow’s menu consist of poran poli for lunch, dahi bade and probably chole bhature for dinner and am sure breakfast will have something special on the menu as it is my aunts wedding anniversary. Todayl, I made cold coffee for all of them and tomorrow am planning to make custard pudding to treat everyone. That’s all about my welcome here. And yup, Me and my aunt are planning to go for a movie tomorrow leaving behind the kids at home. This will refresh our memories of the time years back when I was in school and my aunt use to take me for movies. We both had good time then, and am sure will enjoy it tomorrow as well.

                When I sent a message from my local number to few of my friends and relatives to make a note of the same, I ended it with my name mentioned as Mita Sharma. Out of others, one reply made me smile from my heart. A friend of mine from Rajkot replied to me in exclamation asking, “ Is it Ms.Sharma Mita Raj!”. It reminded me of the way I always used my name during school, college and career days and still love to write the same way while signing off my emails.

                What else?..Hmm..I have plans to meet some of my friends during this visit. Let’s see if I can schedule my time accordingly…Good night

(164)My balcony..

This morning, I woke up an hour early than usual days. It was 5 am and i didnt wanted to hurry with starting the daily chores. I chose to sit in the balcony.It was'nt that dark and neither too sunny out there.Lost for some minutes, I started hovering over different thoughts, some of them coming to my mind probably because of the sight in front of my eyes, the black tarred road. First thought was about the comparative silence I was experiencing at that time, than the other hours of the day. Then I recalled the loud loud music I had heard a month back, which was coming from the opposite township's open centre hall where Bryan Adam's was performing.That day this road falling in between my house and that place was crowded with every possible brands of cars and commuters.Oh..it was a crazy site to see.They say, there were almost 30,000 people to attend that show.My mind swiftly drifted to the recent incident which occured two-three days back.Same road, a three year old kid fell down from the school bus and got crushed under its rear wheels.For the whole day, i could not come over the thought of the poor child being tragically killed and the pain of his parents who were completely lost of senses after knowing about this incident.It was an awful day, I became over protective about Charvi and instructed her bus driver and maid to be extra cautious.Then my eyes moved towards my right, where the construction had been ongoing for more than a year or so, and is still in process..it's gonna be a huge, I believe the biggest mall-multiplex of this area, with about 15 movie screens and every possible big brand shop being included.Everyday I observe the labors, the huge machines, the material and I keep them watching for hours from either of the balconies or from the bedroom window and await to see the completion of this project into a bustling crowded place.Sometimes, they do work in nights but I never saw the site this early before.Today, when I looked at the site, it was quiet with no labors, no machine movements, just an unusual calm.But now when I am writing this, oh god..the usual sounds of hit and tuck is all back making me feel so normal about my life..Over with this thought, my neck turned towards my left and I saw my friend's balcony on 8th floor.She delivered a baby boy yesterday, but the baby had some complications and is still under observation, my friend is fine, but am sure she must be worried about her child. I hope he gets well soon...I said all this to myself and then felt a little overworked at this early hour of the day.I thought, comeon Mita...have a break , give a break to the machine working in you...because now the thoughts which I had been avoiding all this while on purpose were forcing into me very rapidly, and I did'nt wanted to get carried away with them. So, i chose to put my headphone on and played some nice music to the highest of its volume to keep away from some particular thoughts. That reminded me of the recent encounter I had with one of the websites where I write.They published something on my portfolio without my approval and that put me in a questionable situation. I wondered, should I trust this site anymore and carry-on my association with them Or should simply take this as a sign to discontinue with them and fulfill my writing craves on my own blogs, as I otherwise do.
           It was almost an hour since I sat in the balcony, and it was time for Charvi to wake up.I called for Charvi and asked her to wake up.She pleaded.."mamma please, sone dona, please five minutes"...This was new..she never asked for such elongations of time while waking up anytime before...I smiled to myself and thought..oh my girl is grown up...I used to do the same, when my aunt,or my mom would wake me up...i would say the same thing.."5 minute aur sone dona please mami"...her innocent request simply changed my mood..I came in and laid down beside her...She was half awake, she hugged me tight,kissed me and said softly in ear, "five more minutes mamaa, please"....I could not help but laugh out loud and hold her more securely in my arms...
           At this time, sun is pouring all in the balcony, the road is very busy, construction is on full force..and its turning very hot out here...Lets see, what new, I experience with this part of my house, till I am here..and don't move into another place..

(163) Addiction

It's been hardly a week since my net not working and I felt like an era passed by that I got connected.Thanks to the patience of the girl in the tech department of the service provider,who sorted my issue out through an hour long call today. Though i don't surf, check or write on regular basis, but the only assurance that i can get on to connectivity anytime virtually with those whom I don't see everyday, is in itself a reliever.Imagine..the level of addiction.I bet, people like me or those who are worse(in addiction) should put a check right now.Well, good thing overall was, twice I got to get all with myself and had a good time listening to me after a long long pretended pause.Once i went for a coffee, I suppose it was after a long gap of five months and so, and at other time, after dropping Charvi for school, I went shopping, but reached before the opening time of the mall, so chose to sit under the shade of  a tree and observed people, surroundings, noises and my silence amidst all of it. Both were good encounters with self.
Warning:Don't get addicted to people, imagine if dealing with the absence of the material things isn't that easy, how difficult it could get to keep at ease and deal with the lack of people whom you get attached to....

(162)Three Advices

Few months back, while talking to a friend, I agreed down three advices genuinely given to me to tackle with difficult and different people around...

here they are..i hope it may help my friends/readers as well...

(1) Don't give prompt reply.
(2) It's not always about you, no need to get involved into everything.You are not required always.
(3) Try and give benefit of doubt, don't be too judgmental about people.

(161) saying

I am sure you would have heard the following one in one or more of its varied forms earlier, I came across the simplest one today.Thought of sharing it..
"Don't make permanent decisions on temporary emotions"...good night..god bless

(160)Time

Time,
Sometimes..seems immovable..
and often it is too fast to be caught by helpless people..
It brings to reality the realm of fantasies, and at times, it ruthlessly shatters the dream..
Time,
they say..
is the best teacher,
best healer..
I presume, besides being these two, time also serves as the burning flame at the other end, to let not die the memoirs of those priceless moments, life ever served through the medium of time itself...

(159) Happy Valentine Day

Three days back, I had a strong craving for Dairy Milk. I went into the kitchen, checked the refrigerator and the storing rack, but had no dairy milks. I felt sad for a moment, and wished if someone could send me one, because you know na, I don't like buying this favorite thing of mine for myself. I thought I would put a message, please someone send me a chocolate, never mind if I have to pay for it. Then I saw the slab of Cadbury's Temptation in the side rack, it was brought buy my brother who had come for a day. But that was for Charvi, but I cheated and I had some pieces from the same. And as I had talked about my intuitions,if you remember, one more click to  my brain was, "have patience dear, you will get one soon".. and so I pleased myself with that chocolate for that moment.Not only did my intuition about the chocolate came true, but also three other things which I thought would happen, did happen in last three days, and yes ofcourse, my chocolate came too. A friend of ours who had to collect his parcel received here, came to see us yesterday and got me and Charvi, Dairy milk Fruits and Nuts, and a Bournveille. I grabbed the fruit n nuts and gave other one to Charvi. Oh, I just had fun savoring the same. And my chocolate tasted all the more sweet by the showers of affection from my neighbor's daughter Nishi and Charvi. Nishi is a very sweet girl, she is 18 months old and everyday I teach her a new word. Now she speaks.."ta-ta, chi-chi, nai-nai,noooooo...yuki, meee..taaaa, ji-ji, oh.ho..and ahaaa"..and the process is still on.And I love to watch her say all that I teach her. And you know what, she has nicknamed me as Bum or Bhum sometimes. I play a game with her where in I make her sit on top of the bean bag and make her slide with the word Bhum, and she loves it so so much that she has started addressing me by that name. Whenever she wants to come to my place or see me, she would tell her mom to take her to Bum. Often I find her waiting at her door opened, staring at the lift, at the time of my return from college, and the moment I am out of the lift, she gives a big smile and a tight hug to me and keep calling me Bhum/bum until I pacify her. Oh ..she is simply amazing and Charvi is also very fond of her. They both get along so well, I love to watch them play so amicably. Charvi is learning to behave like an elder sister, she takes care of Nishi very well. She shares her toys with her, corrects her when she is wrong and tries to teach her many things I ask her to.You know, I wish If I have a daughter again, I would want her to be either like Charvi or like Nishi or rather a nice mix of both of them, these two girls are amazing.
              It's a valentine day today.I wish everyone who reads this, and those who do not, a very loving Valentine day...Love and spread love...tc
        

(158) I feel thankful

Since two days, Charvi is imitating me and repeating every word I say. She is having a lot of fun in teasing me. If I ask her to have lunch, she asks me the same, if I call her mad, she calls me the same.Whatever I say, she repeats and then seeing my facial reactions, she bursts into laughter. Today, when i was about to loose my cool, i suddenly recalled what I had done to my friend so many times on phone. Same thing, same repetition of every word spoken. Then I felt little amusing for  a moment and realized how frustrating and sometimes entertaining it would have been for others when I did so.
             Charvi is behaving a  little mature these days. She talks big things, dresses up well and to my surprise her choice of clothes and pairing is awesomely beautiful. Last week, when I asked her to get ready to go out with me, she put on a nice pink jacket with her blue pair of jeans having light pink sequined work on it. She asked me to tie one pony with her hair and paired this attire with her pink sandals. Oh my God, you had to watch her out then, she was looking beautiful. Not that she is my daughter and so I felt so, but she was really looking very presentable. When she walked, I kept watching her from behind and wondered if I ever looked anything like her, when I was four years old. But yes, one thing I have to admit, now she looks very much like me in face. And I love to watch her talk nice things, giving suggestions to me, and demanding all impossible things in the world, though she agrees like a good girl when something is denied to her with reason.
            At times, when she behaves cranky and I loose my cool, she forgets that part of mine so soon, and showers her love so unconditionally on me that I feel guilty of being so rude with her. Often, when I would be dressing her up for school in morning, she would hug me tight and say,"Mamma , you are the best mamma, and I love you very much"..these words relieves me of all the ache and tiredness I gather by waking up at 6.30 in the morning and preparing her lunch box and getting things ready for her. I feel so great to have such non-malign display of affection and i feel all the more happy to be a  mother of such a radiant child.
             When I see her and her love for me, I sometimes wonder,"Why do I have so many things in life to crib about, isn't this pure love more than enough for one lifetime?..
If I have to sit and count of all the good things happened to me in three decades of my life, I think they will be numerous. Why do I have to cry for things which I could not get, may be they were not meant for me, or may be I was not meant for them. I have been blessed by the most understanding parents and siblings, good husband,good family, sky full of unending, eternal-love and the boon of experiencing the miraculous journey of motherhood, good education, good life, wonderful and understanding friends and  the opportunity life gave me to know myself better, with the help of those best people who became the immovable part of my life.
           Life is never a completely fulfilling offer, and tears remain inseparable for non-achievements, but one has to choose to see either the part which remained unfulfilled and feel sad, or see the other half which is full of love and gifts, life encountered during the journey, and thus feel happy and content to ever have all those, than never have to been seen...I am heartily thankful to all those who made my life meaningful and fulfilling in some ways by their presence.

(157) Fix

It becomes so difficult, when the worthiness and loyalty of one person in any relationship is always tested on some prefixed parameters. Is it possible for anyone to always standby or run through the errand down-lined to prove that he has utmost faith in the questioned bonding? Is it possible for anyone to sustain the dignity and trust in, even if he is rubbed against the rigid walls of selfish parameters, with the same nailing methods to surface his integrity?
           The person in question suffers and only suffers for not being able to justify the demands always, and not because he cannot jump over the fence and walk out, but because he wants to stay in and keep the bonding afresh, which though becomes seemingly impossible and painful...

(156) Lost

Thought,
Dreamed,
Searched,
Found,
Cared,
Cherished,
Loved,
Held,
Trusted,
Released,
And
Lost......

(155) Good day

Sun is shining bright and it's rays touching me through the glass door, and am enjoying the same sitting in the chair.I did not go the college today, had a backache, so relaxing at home.
           It was a bad day yesterday.Morning started on a tiff with a friend, college went through tough, and evening I encountered hurt while speaking to a family member on the phone.Thanks to my friends who came over in the afternoon and we did few of the college assignments.I could keep myself off from the lows of the mood.They had been coming to me since last Sunday, and might drop in tomorrow as well.I urged one of them to stay back last night, but she had some important task at home.Well, I am fine now. I spoke to another friend last night, and realized that nobody can hurt you unless and until you allow them and give them the right to do so. If you choose to remain unaffected, no action or word of others can leave you perturbed.On that note, I decided to go for a sleep and had a dream." I saw myself awaiting my turn to show to the doctor in some hospital.Though I had taken a prior appointment, I was made to sit and wait for eight hours there(weird na!)  and when it was my turn, the doctor was called for an emergency and she left me unattended with the pain for which I was there. I cried and I cried, donno for how long."  When I woke up, I felt light, relieved and much more resolved. One more time, life proved to me the metal of the belief I always held and trusted in so strongly," Whatever happens, happens for good".
                       Have a good day..

(154) Back home

“Little things you do for me and nobody else make me feel good,

Little things you do for me, making me smile and no one else could,

That’s why I like to sit next to you, and hear your mad stories,

I know they’re not true,

Little things you do for me..and nobody else make me feel good..”

This is the beautiful song I have been humming all the three months since it has been played by the Vodafone advertisement beginning from October.. am in love with this piece of song…

Another song which I quite like these days is “Chadha de rang, soniya ve..” from Yamla Pagla Deewana…its sung so melodiously..

So..I was back in Pune some days back, but fell sick on way return..then Charvi caught viral infection and was sick for a week.Now , we both are fine..and she started going to school again and I attended college almost after a month plus..it was a refreshing feeling to meet friends there.

But now, I have loads and loads of assignments to complete…

And trip to Udaipur had been very hectic. I travelled from Pune to Mumbai.Then Mumbai to Valsad, stayed overnight there, then Valsad to Ahmedabad and from Ahmedabad to Udaipur..God , I just got badly exhausted. All the family members had gathered there for a Puja which was organized for Charvi..Even my father’s family had come there, my parents, masa masi, mama-mami, cousin,my sis-in-laws, their families.

I went around all the places in Udaipur where I had been on my visit last year. Fatehsagar lake was full upto the brim..we went there in gang of girls, and went around other places as well..udaipur was different, or so I thought.

After Puja, we came to Ahmedabad, I went to see the construction progress of the property I bought in the city, it seems, I won’t get possession before April.I was very happy to see so many family members all together under one roof. I think, I celebrated 31^st December  in Ahmedabad almost after ten years…and it was very cold out there.Ahmedabad is changing very fast…I showed my school to my daughter..i wish to take her inside the school one day. I hope I get this opportunity during my visit this April..lets see..

It seems, there’s lots of travelling on card this season. I might go to Delhi or Goa for the college trip this month end. Have to attend three weddings in February back home. March-not confirmed yet,. April-Ahmedabad.May-Valsad…Oh..am goona live in packs for some months it seems..

Take care..

(153) Mix

Was willing to write lots of things, but could not make it.Wanted to share about a great level of service and humanity I came across in the hospital two days back when I had gone to give my blood samples, but will write about it later because I am very very tired. Had been packing things all through the day.Will be leaving for Udaipur in the morning.Its almost 10 months that I had been there.Gonna see lots of difference...
   
Had been postponing my trip to ahmedabad too, because of fever last month, but hopefully this time, I will visit Ahmedabad as well, may be for a day or so.

             Temperature, oh my God, it's dipping every day. Two days back, it fell down to 6.5 something in Pune. It's very very cold.And am sure, it's gonna be more chilly in Udaipur.I hope Charvi keeps well through that cold.

              Have taken almost 20 days break from the college,to rest. Hopefully I join back once I return to Pune.

             Many other things I miss on writing everyday, but frankly speaking, don't know why, but I feel too laid back to do so...
       
             Chalo, will catch u back later sometime, have to wake up early... till then, take care...bye..good night..

(152) Charvi's demand

Charvi had been insisting for long that she wants a sibling.Some days back she told me very crisp and clear that she wants a brother very very soon. I told her that we will get one for her some times later. Then I asked her what if she gets a little sister, she said, she doesn't want a sister. And even if i get one, then I should better get a brother too, so that she can take care of her brother and sister will be taken care by mamma.
Well, this things keep repeating on and off.

Last week, she asked me why her friend's mummy's tummy was so big. I told her that a new sibling is going to come in sometime to their family.Next moment she started crying..she asked me why is she not getting any sibling, why is God not sending any sibling for her. I told her if she will behave well, even she will get one, i just tried to divert her mind. She gave a thought for a moment and then asked why is Nonu getting another sibling when he already has one little brother and he too doesnt behave well at times. I asked her who told her so. She said, savita aunty is so round and round, so does she also has a baby inside her tummy.(Savita is my friend whose son is Nonu and studies with Charvi, Savita is on a little healthier side so Charvi thought even she is pregnant)...I told her no it was not so, it's just because aunty eats lot of food thats why her tummy is big, but then she had too many more questions which went on and on....

Later next week, she came to me in the kitchen and told out of nowhere,"mamma, it's okay even if you get a girl , because even i am a girl, so its fine but please tell God, that i will behave and please send me a sibling soon"...i was speechless to this deal of hers...

I thought, should I be thinking about- all the pains and entire term bedrest I  went through during Charvi, the unsuccessful other pregnancy, the physical and the mental fatigue then after, the cesarean procedure and the precautions thereafter, the effort and patience it takes to rear up a child, my personal apprehensions...OR Should I simply think of Charvi's demand and the need of the time to get her a sibling.

She told me she had a dream some days back, and God promised her to fulfill her wish very soon..She is very excited about it.

I don't know, if I will ever be able to deliver her dream safe and sound in time...but I wish I stand true and tough through it.I don't intend to challenge her faith in God and what she saw in dream, but I hope she is not left heartbroken..

(151) Silence and the words

Though silence may be the best option,
                              but,
Some emotions and feelings requires the sound of the words, the magical words..

(150) Fever still on

Weather and my body are not very willing to come in sync with my health. And, I am so much done with these medicines, that i have just stopped popping them.Plus, college assignments are getting broader and tougher every day.AM tired. Enough...
May be I will go for a complete body check up and see whats wrong with my systems.
          I was talking to my father four days back and he asked me why am i not improving on my health..i told him because my mother is not visiting me, he asked, will her arrival make me ok..i said yes. Guess what?..My mom is coming home tonight. Though am feeling so tired but I am desperately waiting to go and pick her up. Am sure, her presence will make me feel some better.
         And you know what, last week when I drove down the lane to see the doctor, my eyes saw something which gave me immense pleasure. My vicinity has got a new outlet for Cafe Coffe Day...Now, i dont have to drive seven kilometers every time I miss my cold coffee. In hyderabad, it was just half a kilometer away, so i could take a walk there for coffee. In delhi, it was in the mall opposite to my building, so had to get down and cross the road. But here in Pune, it was  a bit far, but no more. Now, even if I won't have a car any day and I still want to go, i can just walk the distance and savor my coffee. Right now, I am controlling my temptations because of cold, choked throat and this ever surfacing fever. You know what, every morning I feel little better, and by the time its evening, temperature increases. Hmm..but I am strong.See, I have not given up anything. I do all my chores regularly, I go to college and do all my work too. except for last week, I did no gulli.Chalo....bye for now...waiting for mom..
one sec..one sec..ek cheez bhul gayi....bad news..my cook left the job...am searching new one

(149) Bits..

It seems, viral is in love with me...Barely couple of months back i had hugged it and with a bang it is back. After a trip, meeting up friends families, entertaining guests, diwali cleaning, college submissions and lot of thinking, my immunity called it off. more than 8 days, viral fever is still on. though i overcame fatigue, and appeared for exams, temperature is still in touch.
         Last evening, i was very upset. Sat quiet on the bean bag for quite long time. Then received a call from one of my friend and shared about my mental state, but still i could not decode exact cause. Later then, I thought, now all my inner strength and connections with nature and my instincts are getting aged.Even my intuitions and telepathy tools are getting rusted, so i thought.And i hoped to get better this day.
          Though temperature dipped this morning, but fatigue surfaced back, and i didnt feel like doing anything throughout the day. i did'nt read, surf, or do any constructive thing. i rather lazed around whole day and kept irritating all others.
          God gives answer in his own way...
Well...i thought of writing many things throughout last span of a month, but could never be sure enough to do so..plus my health and other pressures kept me off..
Guest at home, a family friend, kept on telling me since the day he has come, that i look too pale and ugly, tanned, tired, and not the same charming person he met 4 years back.
Well..he said the same thing so many times in last few days that now i so seriously have started thinking and checking myself in the mirror if i have truly turned back my care from myself..hmm.ya , it seems so..
though endless to write yet, i abruptly cut down here and hope to get off with fever and fatigue soon enough and am glad god shows his presence sooner or later in life..

(148) Because..

I don't want,
you to cry..
When I die,
You know Why?..

Because....

I love you...
And I can't see tears in your eyes...

(147) i see you

In tuck of the twilight,

In crimp of the moonlight,

In stars all, dull and bright;

I see you every night.

Warmth of earth I walk on,

Gives me sense of you,

To feel you in the mud;

It is such a delight.

When I touch the flower,

The tenderness I gain,

I wish I could hold you;

In my arms, so tight.

The way you run your fingers,

Cool breeze fling my hair.

To look straight in your eyes;

Each time, is a beauty sight.

(146) Am watching you

I am watching here these stars
These stars are watching you
So in a way my love
I am always watching you

Dare you do something
That sparks my temper goose
Will give you toughest time
And keep that time on snooze

Don't you think you are free
To do things out of hell
You step out of my mind
My heart will ring the bell

So listen to this my darling
For once and all the while
Though you may go away
Will remain in my exile

Be sure and mind your steps
I have set on you, my eyes
Will hold on you for ever
And watch you through the skies

(145) Happy Birthday

Hey..it's Shahrukh Khan's birthdhay...So...cheers to him...and lots of wishes...

(144) 20102010

It is 20-10-2010...........i.e. 20102010.....
Wow.........what a date?

(143) Mirror

Mirror chose to lie,
It said I were genuine,
I were the center and cause of happiness,
I were as important as portrayed,
I were the cherry of its existence
I were true and right
Perhaps,
This all is just a fake,
Because the mirror lied,
My mirror were your eyes...

(142) Being Honest

Being honest is always a threat.
They pierce you right from the middle of your heart,
Set a Nail,
And then bang the hammer on and on at every available opportunity.
They screw your emotions,
Leave you without your self,
Wandering and wondering what you did wrong?
They rush their agony through the softest corner of your core,
And pretend they were never involved.
They set you upright,
Hold you on the wood,
Tie your pleadings in knots
And then they pour the fuel of ill accusations,
Utilizing your feelings as the launch pad of their hatred......
They pour the words of venom,
And leave you in the dung of self pity, and self dislike for
Being Honest...

(141) Why

Sky broke hell
Angels chose denial
Peace of the divine suffered an earthquake
Why does God sometimes play in fake?

(140) SMS

Normally, I don't forward poll sms 'es. Yesterday, I received one such message and I thought of forwarding it to few friends/family.

Want to share some of the lovely replies:-

SMS said-?. "Reply must.....!!!! If u had not met me in your life, what you would have missed?"

Replies I got,

*  Your Daughter.

*  Sach Kahu? Bura to nahi manegi?..Charvi yaar..But I would have missed u too..(a girl in my college.She is big time fan of Charvi)

*  A friend who is so good in remembering dates...( by friend cum realtive in Hyderabad)

*  Self respect ( Good friend and ex colleague in Rajkot)

* I would have missed a Second Mom in face of the sister.( by my friend in Pune...How I wish this cute little girl had her mother still blessing her on this earth, but am sure she is protecting her from God's house too).

* Without you i woud'nt have realized the importance of friends and love.Also woud'nt have learned to prepare aloo-capsicum curry you taught. Love you.( by my neighbor's daughter in Hyderabad..she is a darling friend of mine)

* My best friend and teacher who always guided me at every step of my life and when I was confused.My wellwisher always.If u had not met i would have lost an important person in my life.So I am very thankful to God for sending u. ( by my cousin)

* First time no words, cause person like you is truly incredible and irreplaceable.Can't just imagine even what i would have lost without you( by a very good friend and ex colleague)

*I would have missed a beautiful angel to be a part of my life, thanks that u are a sweet part of it.(by a cute friend)

*Logically speaking, i would have missed nothing as I would have not known what i know of you and speaking otherwise, i would have missed YOU.(by my brother).

* I would have missed my all time sweetheart.( by a lovely friend of mine)

there are few more....thanks to all of you to make me feel so important...

(139)Hurt and Happiness

Wise people say that nobody can hurt you until you allow them to do so.Sounds very absurd to the one who is hurt because he can always argue, "why would I purposely let someone to give me pain?". Point is that you don't invite someone to do so, but you agree to fall and live in the circumstances, you accept to stay in the situations which ultimately gives an access to the other person to play with your emotions and shake your heart with grief.
               And it is not that you don't like being in those situations in the beginning, you do, you very much appreciate the importance given to you and your feelings, but what you fail to for see  is the pain in coming, what you lack to understand is about the hurt which is hidden in the wraps of all the sweet charades presented to you.
               So, seek, learn, understand and don't let anyone be so strong enough to breach the peripheries between your hurts and happiness.

(138) God is a funny guy

God acts funny at times.He has weird ways of executing his excellent sense of humor.What best he can do is, create a joke on you, arrange for a laughter club to laugh out loud, manages to put you in the center of all and then bombs his mastered joke amidst everything in such a way that you find no escape and the only choice you are left with is, to Laugh on your own self in company of several others doing the same..

(137)People

Most of the time we are surrounded by such people who would not care if you were happy or sad?. What in all they can care for is how they could make use of yours in the best possible bits to sort out their tasks.How strange, that we still bother to care for such useless people and it does matter to us how they would feel if we treated them in one or the other manner? Am sure most of them wouldn't even move by inch if they get to know that you were dead another day?..

(136) Rains

I don't know how many times I have written this earlier and how many more times will I still write about it....But it remains as true and clear..I love rains...I don't understand what bond this rains has got with me and I don't intend to even know the same because I simply enjoy it. It gives me a plethora of different feelings in their raw forms. I feel attached, serene, lonely, happy, gloomy, deprived, content, striving, patient, eager, anxious, joyful, childish,  guilty, confident, weak, victorious, pampered, missed, remembered....and loved.I feel complete, I feel close to the nature, I feel close to my soul, I feel close to my creator....I love rains...It rained heavily last night, it poured mercilessly this afternoon...and its raining its heart out now...I wish I could go down and walk on those illuminated black road and get drenched by the hard hitting waters. Cool breeze is pumping out the goose bumps...and the noise of hard drops hitting the floor of the balcony makes me more tempted to get hurt by the sharp waters...I love rains...

(135) Does it

Now,
If  I see
If I say
If I speak in anyway...
I would breach.....
And that I don't want to do....

But,
I can listen.....and I am listening
That doesn't break the promise..

(134) And some hope

i hear that
which is not said
it raises the hair out of skin
my ego remains subtly very thin
i do feel what you don't say
i consider it every way
i remain yet speechless ahead
your eyes untangles thread
i owe you for thousand things
we are held by celestial rings
when i walk few steps in row
i feel you follow the flow
to the clouds, i sometimes talk
your face, in my eyes does rock
holding on good thoughts and some hope
tough times come and teach me how to cope

(133) Blank is Blissful

Blank is blissful
And so are the isllusions
You tend to forget
You forget to pretend
You pretend to believe
You believe to forgive
You forgive to accept
You accept to surrender
You surrender to survive
You survive to remember
You remember to recall
You recall to recollect
You recollect to continue
You continue to breathe
You breathe to live
You live to Love
And...You Love.... to create blank and hence forget and forgive

(132) Loss is not a loss

Losing is not a loss always. When your loss is the gain of someone you respect and care for, then the loss is worth accepting and appreciating. Nevertheless, pain does exist, but then no happiness has ever come out without churning the dearies. I always feared losses and they often devasted me. Gradually I learnt to confront them though the suffering still existed. But now, today, I somehow, feel that losing is not that bad really. And ofcourse, whether its truly a loss or not is also to be justified. On face of it , it might seem troublesome to let loose what you had held for long, and would have never given up for anything, but once you realise how serene it feels to give away your closest for someone and to someone who is important than everything else, you dont feel that empty anymore.
                          However, being human is in itself the sign of arising disconnect when deprived of the dearest behelds, but then, the greatest spiritual acheivements too are the gadgets of human minds. So, it needs time to realize and accepting nature to learn to feel content.
                         Ups and Downs are eminent to any process, be it life or a movie. Given a point of time, I may feel like securing everything and everyone I love, in an unbreakable unit, but even that would not stay for long and I would be taught the same lesson of acceptance and forgiveness, but by the other means.
                        Accepting with dignity dignifies your decisions and helps you sustain the effects of the losses. and gradually you decode how beautiful it had been to sacrifice your dearest and how meaningful and fulfilling your losses proved for everyone.

(131) Endless Journey or Pun

The train is moving
Or am I leaving you?
Its hard to understand
difference between the two.
Dark is more than dark
Eyes are open wide
Meaningless this journey
So fruitless is this ride.
Thoughts faster than the wheels
Mind travelling back to you
How many more lone journeys,
Am I not yet done through!
Halts will show some stations
Movements will give the run
What do I call this life
Endless journey or pun!

(130) Emotions

It was a day full of emotions riding on roller-coaster. Mind kept oscillating at the widest angle and with least ampathy. Though scrutinising but it was also a fulfilling day in some context. Besides mine own feelings, one thing which moved me today completely was seeing one of my friend feeling forlorn. It was her birthday today and she turned 19. But it was the first time she celebrated her birthday without her mom.
               Any amount of money, any abundance of material wealth, and any amount of achievements and comforts seems too small and petite when compared to the vast loss of the loved one, and especially when that loved one crosses all the boundaries of human relationships and leaves for the heavenly abode forever and ever.
               This friend of mine lost her mother few months ago and was feeling very lonely today. No words of mine could have comforted her to the max but I tried to make her feel some better. I hope, I was of some help to her.( to her--- Am sorry dear, i am writing about you without taking your permission, but i really feel sorry for you and I could not control my emotions and hence it came out here).
                I just want to tell everyone , please love your people the most you can today itself..because there is no tomorrow and no other time...Stop calcualting and evaluating relationships and just love them with your whole heart...its just today that they are there with you....who knows what the coming day has in store for you...Keep loving..keep helping..

(129) Truth and Lie

Hitting the hammer hard on the head, does not always calm down the demon inside. i wonder sometimes how do i keep thinking for long hours without a blink, on the same subject and on the same line. i keep questioning myself with those things, answers to which i already know. and i dont stop, i keep repeating and then i frustrate myself. but i dont change. stubborn i am.
                    lots of things wrestling in me since a few days.silly but as i said, i dont let my mind rest. out of all the weird threads of thoughts tangling themselves in my non stop evaluation machine-my mind, one particular thing kept resurfacing several times. i decided to sort it out today itself, if i do not succeed, i would be calm about having atleast attempted to do so.
                   i have always been very particular about truth and lie in my life and in majorly all the relationships surrounding it. that doesnt mean i never lied, but i can vouch for myself, i never lied to harm or cheat anyone. but many a times, people question your integrity and that irritates you, especially those whom you entrust with almost all revealations of your life book. and repetition of such allegations by those close to your heart, sometimes put you into self doubting situations. and if this repeats then you kind of start believing them of your non-integrity.
                  when thought about things in minutest of its being, i realised those with the deadly demand of your honesty are the only people who does'nt have the ability to accept your truth. Initially they pretend that they can bear your your naked truth, they appreciate your boldness, gradually they start evaluating your actions, then they develop a habit of reacting hurt and non-compliant to what you say and lastly they blame you for what you do, they reject your truthfulness in utter sense and ultimately leave you least confident to confide in them. And when you stop telling the truth, they call you liar...strange..but i have experienced this.
                    i remember when i was in class 11th, one day when i was talking to my aunt in the kitchen where she was deep immersed in thoughts and cooking simultaneously, a remark of mine on relationships made her reply sternly to me in very clear words and statement which said, " don't tell everything to the one you trust"..she meant to say , dont open up yourself to someone so much so that enables the other one to attack on your weaknesses and play with your strenghts.
                     well...this was one of the confrontations i had with myself in the very recent time..talk to you about other things later.

(128) Dairy Milk

Cadbury's Dairy Milk is my favorite chocolate. I like almost all the variants of this product. Weired though, but i never like to buy this chocolate for myself. i do it for others, but if i want to eat it, i prefer it to be gifted to me. there are so many stories in my life attached to this sweet chocolate. i remember when i was doing my engineering, my hostel room wall, the area belonging to me on that was covered with different sizes of dairy milk wrapers, alongwith shahrukh khan's posters throughout my stay over there.


I held so many wrappers over the years with me, collected from my board days, my 18th birthday celebration and many more such beautiful events. but lately i discarded them all.

So, i was saying i like to eat this chocolate more if its gifted, never mind if its bought by my own money but i love it if someone else buy it on my behalf and give it to me. the latest flavor of this chocolate to be introduced is Dairy Milk Silk. i was so tempted to taste it but was waiting for someone to gift it. and its very rare that i ask someone to do it for me.well, the wait got over last month when a friend of mine gave me the Dairy Milk Silk Raost Almond. i was so happy to receive it. but i did not eat it immediately, because there's one more face to this drama. i love to savor this creation of sweetness slowly, at leisure and preferably alone, i mean i don't really like sharing it with others except for the kids because they are sweet too.so, i was awaiting such peaceful time to come.

last week, when charvi and I went to Banglore, i kept it in my purse and when the flight took off, my wait got over. i took out the slab of dairy milk silk and enjoyed the experience bit by bit with closed eyes and the sense of chocolate melting and slipping down through my mouth. i gave Charvi another chocolate, but still she insisted to have a share from mine too, so i gave her two squares..its not square actually, its like a mount, beautiful mount which melts like sugar candy when put in the mouth.i thouroughly enjoyed the experience of having my favorite chocolate and that too gifted..


Oh sweet god, bless them all..those who make this chocolate and those who gift it to me...and also those who don't gift it to me...bless them all...

(127)No answers

eight long fingers
two little eyes
four hid one
four hid the other
the black inside with few drops of whites
gradually became the jungle of dark
and i was the tiny little particle
floating
flying
falling
shaken and troubled to see the value of my existence as the minutest drop of nothing,
        struggling to survive the unending universe and trying to prove...prove..

prove what?
to whom?
and how?
and most importantly why?

No answers.

Funny!!..isnt it
yeah..it is..it is.

this is how it is, i am nothing and i am nobody when weighed against this large universe...
but interestingly the same dark behind the closed eyes made me feel i am everything and everybody, when I agreed to surrender and stop the fight for searching the answer to the querry and value of my existence...

(126)...Feelings

it has to be lived, simply lived at times.not to calculate, evaluate and act. rather just breathe in with full faith  and hope as if it was the first and breathe out with full content as if it was the last...

(125) bits

it is difficult to move on from the things you are attached, take anything for that matter.be it your school, your city, your belongings or your people.ten years back, i sat with my collection of cards, gifts, written notes, diaries and things of that sorts gathered throughout the life till then, and after few hours i discarded all of them. even today, i feel bad when i think about that but then at times it is reliving and convenient to get rid of those things you are attached to or rather you aim to save for life.
               two days back, i tore many of the gathered old papers, cuttings, saved memoirs, withheld hall tickects of all the exams i attended in my life and discarded all of them..in a way it made me feel lesser rich of my own heritage but parallely i sensed some kind of serenity and felt untangled, more spacious in my own guardings..weird are the ways of human and so are those of that great instructor omnipresent..good night

(124) Am jealous

i am jealous
i am uncomfortable
i am withered
i dont see peace coming in any form
i am restless
i am so much unsettled about the unknowns
i am disturbed
i dont agree to accept this
i am deprived
i am losing
i am jealous

(123)What is trust?

What is trust?

To walk on the thin rope which has a well on its one side and valley on the other, and o be sure
that someone is taking care of you, you will walk through it safely

To try capturing the air in the fist believing that you will be able to do so and keep it with you forever

To continue walking the road which ends in the sea, hoping that you will not get drowned

To hold a hand and know that it would never leave yours

To close your eyes and still see the rainbow amidst dark inside

To make the card castle and affirm to see it as the house of dreams

To speak out your heart to someone and sense that you are talking to your self

To cry out loud like a child knowing that you will get the toughest shoulders to lean and most tender hands to wipe your tears

To wager your life and the most important decision therein, deeming that nothing would go wrong

To surrender yourself with blithe aiming for appease of the soul, unconcerned by the earthly fears


What happens when this trust is infringed?

The castle becomes a heap of cards, your hand gets deserted, eyes sees only the dark, the rope disappears and there remains no difference between the well and the valley, air slips out of the hold as if it was never there, sea runs to swallow you, you regret having ever opened your heart, you become unsure to persevere the endeavor you were most excited about, there’s no shoulder to support you and the tears sinks your soul to the depths of the solitary…


What do you do then?

You have two choices…EITHER swamp yourself in self pity, anger, hatred, and the endless tears OR Forgive(which is though, so difficult)….

(122) Illusion

If both," The Reality" and "The Dream" becomes intolerable, then create an Illusion and live with it, though it may not stay for long, but would be worth the while..

(121) Unknown fear

There is nothing called Unknown fear or the fear of unknown, we always know what we fear, it's just that we don't acknowledge...

(120) First step

It is always the first step which is the toughest and requires the whole lot of will, once taken, the journey becomes tread-able and bearable.

(119) black and white

stretched the arms wide on the sides

lifted above the face towards the skies

lids locked,mouth shut, breathing on slowly, slowly....

mind running through the black and white of the life script,

a hurt, a jerk in the spinal cord...and a streak reminder of the pain engulfed.

the mountains, the rivers, the landscapes, the mud ways, the fields, the flowers, the birds and that un-shake-able guard standing there to keep a watch...........everything screen-played..in a fast forward

the pain overruled by the flow of salty drops from the locked lids towards the shut mouth and down to the back bended neck-aching less for staying curved all this while, but more for the sight of the Guard which eyes saw during the backward trip of the mind into the bygones which are though not yet bygones...

the resurrection from being twirled to standing straight seemed vague and dramatic because only the physical stature stood back, but the sensibilities and the apprehensions were well within the criterion of living and standing  alone without any physical presence of my useless bundle of skeletons........the withered set of flesh and bones....

(118) Dry Date

Leisurely lying with blank on the mind,

I chose to remain inactive for a while

Open yet close, eyes travelled beyond the sight

I entered the world of intricate realities

The aura precipitated my pores,

 and ran through the veins purifying every drop of my salty blood,

The feel pinched in and beat the heart more,

to ease and throw up the truth tightly held,

to  calm down the heat through the sweat of the skin,

and unify the bond in the way most pristine

Something in me uplifted above and merged into that wholesome light

The fusion so downy, flawless and fulfilling

Satiated  the thirst which had roused in the route,

the contentment travelled my abyss, reached beneath the layers

and  settled down in the nucleus,

swaggering with pride, the legitimate and ostentatious union of two ends,

though without the aid of any corporeal exchange,

and yet so gratifying

what do I call it?

A tiny expedition travelled in the camouflage of open eyed sleep,

I believe,

My soul perhaps convened its mate

On it’s spiritually rich, pleasing “Dry Date”.

(117) Earth Hour

Earth hour - 2010


Hi, I have signed up for Earth Hour 2010 and I will switch my lights off- Saturday, March 27 between 8.30pm and 9.30 pm. Why don’t you also visit www.earthhour.in and show your support, switch off your lights tomorrow for an hour and do your bit to help support our planet.

(116) Test and Tears

A poet once said-“one can cross an ocean without wetting his legs, but cannot cross his life without wetting his eyes”. That’s life.
Tears appears with and sometimes without reason. My anesthetized behavior late this morning came up with questions. I just said am not feeling quite good. Reasons unknown, so I said. Then the phone rang, if it was mobile I would have avoided, it rung on the landline. My aunt was very excited about sharing some news. When done , she paused, and asked me if everything was alright. Was my tone so obviously numb that she felt it? I told her, I feel like crying, again reason unknown. She said, it is okay to feel so sometimes. Even she feels the same at times. She advised me to take out time for myself and be with myself. But I rather tried to get busy in other things. Didn’t quite work. Then I picked up a book and read few pages. Mood changed, but when kept back the book, it was all same. Tried to speak to friends, but didn’t help. Then I took myself in solitary for an hour and ordered to be honest. Often , it is more difficult to be honest to oneself than to others. I found the reason for the anxiety, or may be I accepted the already known one and thought of working on it. Not immediately, but may be in a course of time. But for today, I took one decision and when thought of writing about it , I happened to read the astro instruction which warned me for not taking any major decision today so as to not regret in future. What an irony?...i know,i know you might think, how can someone rely so much on mere astro –indications. Even I don’t, so blindly believe, but when your heart and mind doesn’t synchronize on some matters you tend to believe every other thing which either comforts you or at least keeps you away from making a decision. I know, it is foolish but I acknowledged. As I said, it is easier to be foolish at times, than to be bold and decisive. I behaved foolish. But that too wasn’t very comforting. I still felt like crying. Dheeraj advised me to cry out loud and unburden my heart. I couldn’t.

At last, I decided to watch the IPL cricket match and divert my mind. From 4-8 in the evening, I was in front of the TV, but that left me more upset as my favorite team, shahrukh’s team KKR lost it. Then , I cooked for Dheeraj and Charvi, fed them and tried to concentrate on anything which could make me feel better. Nothing worked. Then I received the above said(opening lines) message on my mobile. To keep engaged, I forwarded it to many people. I received in response, many beautiful messages. I read them all and felt, a little better. Now, I am tired and badly need a good night sleep. I just hope, I get the same.

A day, sometimes, brings with it a bag full of tests, patience pullers, anxieties, mood swings, spherical choices, and much more in disguise of bewilderment and then it trials out the gush of the salt water through eyes. And the very same day, sometimes, ends with a lesson to be lot more tolerant, accepting, appreciative, forgiving, comforting, supporting, loving and most importantly to be content with what life has given, because there is always someone who has got lesser than you.

Sharing some of the messages I received and still receiving. Thanks to all who sent them…

• Dictionary is one such place where DEATH comes before LIFE, SUCCESS comes before WORK, DIVORCE comes before MARRIAGE, and FRIEND comes before RELATIVE, thank you for being a friend.
• One of the joys in life is waking up each day with thoughts that somewhere someone cares enough to wish u great day and life.
• Never choose me as a friend without understanding, and never loose me because of misunderstanding.
• What is Love?. Love is when my mom kisses and says, “son, u are my dearest”.love is when I come back late at night and my father says,”why u had to come only?”. Love is when my bhabhi says, “ I have selected a girl for u, tell me if u like someone else?’, love is when I am moodless and my brother says,”common, lets go for a drive”. Love is when my friend hugs me and says, “ there’s no fun in life without you”.Love is not just between girlfriend and boyfriend.
• We love ourselves even after many mistakes..then why we hate others for their one mistake..strange but true..think before you hate someone…
• Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, dream or MISS someone?....because the most BEAUTIFUL things in life are not seen, but FELT by heart.
• One who holds your hand every time when you need support is surely a good friend but a true friend is one who holds your hand tightly when you say, “leave me alone”.
• There is no GOOD or BAD in this world, but thinking makes it so..what people call “Congestion” in a bus, becomes “Atmosphere” in a Disco.
• “Response” is a powerful weapon to occupy a place in other’s HEART.So always give response to people who cares for u.
• Sometimes I forget to say hi, at times i even miss to reply, at times my messages don’t reach u, but it doesn’t mean I forgot u,……….i just give YOU time to MISS ME.

And the two best ones..which I received a minute back from my mosaji and my student respectively are

• When Love fails, Emotions works. When Emotions fails, Memories works. When Memories fails, Words works. When Everything fails, take 90 ml Vodka, it really works.
• Heart Touching Lines by great Abdul Kalam-“Pyaar karne ke liye to ye Zindagi itni choti pad jaati hai, pata nahi log nafrat ke liye kaise time nikaal lete hai”.
.

There are still more to go…..will share some other time…
Signing off with a hope to have a ghostly sleep and godly morning…good night

(115) Thought Worth Believing

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I was not really very willing to come up so soon with something on this blog and also I really don’t have any idea who reads my blog anymore besides my brother and few good friends. But I want to encourage my readers to give a thought to the thought I am gonna share today.

Two beautiful messages received early this morning. One said-“The person who loves you a lot will always do two things extremely for you. Silently Caring and Openly Hurting to make you perfect”. I read, replied and went to bed again, but couldn’t get back the sleep. My mind kept juggling with the thought forwarded through message. I wondered, if that was so true, why is it so difficult for us to forgive those beloved of ours who do wrong to us. Is it really so tough and testing to let pass the hurt feelings? Why do we hang on to the reasons and keep hurting ourselves by reliving the sad moments in the memories, though at the same time we desperately want the bad to get over and good to return through those lovely faces and voices which made our lives more meaningful and without whom life seems to be a punishment? Years ago, I lost two good friends because they lied to me and could never befriend them again, no matter, I have already forgiven them long back. I can’t tolerate people who lie to me, misuses my trust or back stabs me. Well, that’s about me..but why is the act of forgiveness not so prevalent in routine life?

What is the problem then? It has to do much with human nature. We are not born with egos or calculations, but we imbibe them eventually while growing into adults and thereby losing onto the innocence we held being children. A child’s love is pure, unconditional and effervescent. Every individual holds the experience of being in such love in the childhood, but fails to cling onto the same throughout or learn through it and gradually loses the grip on it while acquiring the more practical and sensible ways of living.

Wise people said, “Do to others as you would have them do to you!” If I want to be forgiven, I first need to impart forgiveness from my end. And, most importantly I should learn to forgive myself. So easy and so convenient, it sounds, and am sure once absorbed it would be easier to practice as well, but what needed is the courage to kick start it, to inculcate it within, deep within and then practice through actions.

Certain situations bring us dilemma. We want it to happen but we don’t carry courage to deal with it, we don’t want it to happen though we know it is certain, we wish it happened but we cannot put effort to let it, we wish it had never happened but we can do nothing to prevent it….and then we are sad. We fight with God for not giving us what we wanted, but later we realize that we got was better than that something. It’s a matter of faith in God, perseverance in the deed and patience for HIS answers. Nothing stays, everything passes by with the ticking of the time. Every eye, every life is witness to it but still fails to accept it. Deep within, we all know that nothing is going to stay for ever, we fear it and hence feel the pain. The fact is not going to change, but we can view it differently. If we fit the same thought in another frame, it becomes much more acceptable and bearable. To accept and appreciate what we have been offered is more convincing and contenting than complaining about something which is not achieved. “No one gets anything, before the time and more than what is destined.”

There’s one common beautiful thought shared through different stories, languages and people, followed and spoken by influential personalities, and strongly believed by many, I would like to share one form of it over here. How true and genuine it is, remains a question but the idea is to share the message. It’s a story about a Jewish king named Solomon who one day, assigned a seemingly impossible task to his minister Benamiah Ben Yehoyada. He asked him to find and bring a ring which when wore would change the feeling of the person wearing it. One feeling sad should feel happy, and one feeling happy should feel very sad. He was given a time line which was about to finish, and he desperately hoped for a miracle. Before the time ended, he went to one of the poorest place in Jerusalem and while vaguely searching he saw an old merchant selling some goods. He thought of taking chance with him and asked for such a magic ring which would reverse the effect on the person wearing it. The poor old merchant smiled and gave him a ring after imbibing four letters on it. Benamiah was very happy to return victorious whereas the other ministers in the court made mockery of him on his arrival assuming he had returned empty handed as every one knew that there existed no such ring on earth. Benamiah smiled and offered the ring to his Master. As soon as Solomon read what was written, he stopped laughing and realized that life was transient and everything is temporary. Those words were, “ This too shall pass”. So true and so proven. And we know it too, the only need is to acknowledge it .

These words when read gave me tremendous strength and confidence and I wanted to believe in it always, as this may make easier to pass through the difficult times and may prevent from getting overwhelmed and expectant in good times and thus help to live life with more peace and serenity.

(114) Pause

Hi all,
Sorry for coming up so late.Shifting,moving and settling down kept me on toes.But am so glad and thankful to all my friends who pulled to stay in touch and inquire in the meantime.The new city is Pune and for how long will it remain the same, god knows.Keeping the fingers crossed.

Many new things came up during these days.Had to write a lot, but somehow, i get this feeling that either i am unable to write-o-rather share honestly OR probably i have become biased selective in topics rather not cheered.Or donno, if its something else,or may be i have lost the inspiration,whatever it is, but i feel like taking a break.

Thanks to all those who had been so supportive all through and to those who were not so as well.i don't intend to say that this is the end, but i feel i should pause at this.May be i come up with more interesting work or may be i dont show up here again, may be you get to read me on some other unknown blog, or may be not anywhere.do i sound very pessimistic?, no, its not so.i think my creativity is yet to be unpeeled far further and with the intention to be more honest,justifying and courageous to harmonize the thoughts with the words i put up, i certainly need to re-evaluate and re-inculcate many things.i am definitely going to miss this indirect, faceless but certain interaction with all my readers,friends and well-wishers..take care.

All the precious feedbacks are truly welcomed as earlier..

(113) Bye for now...

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New year showed its first good sign for me. We are leaving this place and moving out of here. Though nervous to pack and move whole house again, I am glad and excited more about departing from so called Delhi, Noida,Gzbd.(No offence intended).

            Stay of about 9 plus months passed by and the time to go is here. If it was not very cheerful, was not even very bad too. It circled off with fast moving events leaving behind mixed memories. We performed Satyanarayan Puja, all sister in laws gathered during Rakshabandhan (both happened for the first time in last 4-5 years), my siblings visited us,  many other relatives who resides in near by places came to see us, I went to my father’s mother’s birthplace, village located on Haryana border- it was a great experience, I attended the wedding of my mom’s cousin brother in my mother’s father’s birthplace, village located on Delhi-Haryana border- again a refreshing happening, a short visit to Punjab, Trip to mussorie-dehradun-rishikesh-haridwar which was made more memorable by my brother’s being there, driving car with 100+ speed on NH-24 and in Delhi( was new for me), spent valuable time with two good neighbor families and a few unforgettable reunions. So, overall it was fine, but nothing so close that would convince me of staying back here anymore. Wish me luck, I may get more serene and generous living in the new place. Buzz you soon from the fresh destination.