(127)No answers

eight long fingers
two little eyes
four hid one
four hid the other
the black inside with few drops of whites
gradually became the jungle of dark
and i was the tiny little particle
floating
flying
falling
shaken and troubled to see the value of my existence as the minutest drop of nothing,
        struggling to survive the unending universe and trying to prove...prove..

prove what?
to whom?
and how?
and most importantly why?

No answers.

Funny!!..isnt it
yeah..it is..it is.

this is how it is, i am nothing and i am nobody when weighed against this large universe...
but interestingly the same dark behind the closed eyes made me feel i am everything and everybody, when I agreed to surrender and stop the fight for searching the answer to the querry and value of my existence...

(126)...Feelings

it has to be lived, simply lived at times.not to calculate, evaluate and act. rather just breathe in with full faith  and hope as if it was the first and breathe out with full content as if it was the last...

(125) bits

it is difficult to move on from the things you are attached, take anything for that matter.be it your school, your city, your belongings or your people.ten years back, i sat with my collection of cards, gifts, written notes, diaries and things of that sorts gathered throughout the life till then, and after few hours i discarded all of them. even today, i feel bad when i think about that but then at times it is reliving and convenient to get rid of those things you are attached to or rather you aim to save for life.
               two days back, i tore many of the gathered old papers, cuttings, saved memoirs, withheld hall tickects of all the exams i attended in my life and discarded all of them..in a way it made me feel lesser rich of my own heritage but parallely i sensed some kind of serenity and felt untangled, more spacious in my own guardings..weird are the ways of human and so are those of that great instructor omnipresent..good night

(124) Am jealous

i am jealous
i am uncomfortable
i am withered
i dont see peace coming in any form
i am restless
i am so much unsettled about the unknowns
i am disturbed
i dont agree to accept this
i am deprived
i am losing
i am jealous

(123)What is trust?

What is trust?

To walk on the thin rope which has a well on its one side and valley on the other, and o be sure
that someone is taking care of you, you will walk through it safely

To try capturing the air in the fist believing that you will be able to do so and keep it with you forever

To continue walking the road which ends in the sea, hoping that you will not get drowned

To hold a hand and know that it would never leave yours

To close your eyes and still see the rainbow amidst dark inside

To make the card castle and affirm to see it as the house of dreams

To speak out your heart to someone and sense that you are talking to your self

To cry out loud like a child knowing that you will get the toughest shoulders to lean and most tender hands to wipe your tears

To wager your life and the most important decision therein, deeming that nothing would go wrong

To surrender yourself with blithe aiming for appease of the soul, unconcerned by the earthly fears


What happens when this trust is infringed?

The castle becomes a heap of cards, your hand gets deserted, eyes sees only the dark, the rope disappears and there remains no difference between the well and the valley, air slips out of the hold as if it was never there, sea runs to swallow you, you regret having ever opened your heart, you become unsure to persevere the endeavor you were most excited about, there’s no shoulder to support you and the tears sinks your soul to the depths of the solitary…


What do you do then?

You have two choices…EITHER swamp yourself in self pity, anger, hatred, and the endless tears OR Forgive(which is though, so difficult)….

(122) Illusion

If both," The Reality" and "The Dream" becomes intolerable, then create an Illusion and live with it, though it may not stay for long, but would be worth the while..

(121) Unknown fear

There is nothing called Unknown fear or the fear of unknown, we always know what we fear, it's just that we don't acknowledge...

(120) First step

It is always the first step which is the toughest and requires the whole lot of will, once taken, the journey becomes tread-able and bearable.

(119) black and white

stretched the arms wide on the sides

lifted above the face towards the skies

lids locked,mouth shut, breathing on slowly, slowly....

mind running through the black and white of the life script,

a hurt, a jerk in the spinal cord...and a streak reminder of the pain engulfed.

the mountains, the rivers, the landscapes, the mud ways, the fields, the flowers, the birds and that un-shake-able guard standing there to keep a watch...........everything screen-played..in a fast forward

the pain overruled by the flow of salty drops from the locked lids towards the shut mouth and down to the back bended neck-aching less for staying curved all this while, but more for the sight of the Guard which eyes saw during the backward trip of the mind into the bygones which are though not yet bygones...

the resurrection from being twirled to standing straight seemed vague and dramatic because only the physical stature stood back, but the sensibilities and the apprehensions were well within the criterion of living and standing  alone without any physical presence of my useless bundle of skeletons........the withered set of flesh and bones....

(118) Dry Date

Leisurely lying with blank on the mind,

I chose to remain inactive for a while

Open yet close, eyes travelled beyond the sight

I entered the world of intricate realities

The aura precipitated my pores,

 and ran through the veins purifying every drop of my salty blood,

The feel pinched in and beat the heart more,

to ease and throw up the truth tightly held,

to  calm down the heat through the sweat of the skin,

and unify the bond in the way most pristine

Something in me uplifted above and merged into that wholesome light

The fusion so downy, flawless and fulfilling

Satiated  the thirst which had roused in the route,

the contentment travelled my abyss, reached beneath the layers

and  settled down in the nucleus,

swaggering with pride, the legitimate and ostentatious union of two ends,

though without the aid of any corporeal exchange,

and yet so gratifying

what do I call it?

A tiny expedition travelled in the camouflage of open eyed sleep,

I believe,

My soul perhaps convened its mate

On it’s spiritually rich, pleasing “Dry Date”.

(117) Earth Hour

Earth hour - 2010


Hi, I have signed up for Earth Hour 2010 and I will switch my lights off- Saturday, March 27 between 8.30pm and 9.30 pm. Why don’t you also visit www.earthhour.in and show your support, switch off your lights tomorrow for an hour and do your bit to help support our planet.

(116) Test and Tears

A poet once said-“one can cross an ocean without wetting his legs, but cannot cross his life without wetting his eyes”. That’s life.
Tears appears with and sometimes without reason. My anesthetized behavior late this morning came up with questions. I just said am not feeling quite good. Reasons unknown, so I said. Then the phone rang, if it was mobile I would have avoided, it rung on the landline. My aunt was very excited about sharing some news. When done , she paused, and asked me if everything was alright. Was my tone so obviously numb that she felt it? I told her, I feel like crying, again reason unknown. She said, it is okay to feel so sometimes. Even she feels the same at times. She advised me to take out time for myself and be with myself. But I rather tried to get busy in other things. Didn’t quite work. Then I picked up a book and read few pages. Mood changed, but when kept back the book, it was all same. Tried to speak to friends, but didn’t help. Then I took myself in solitary for an hour and ordered to be honest. Often , it is more difficult to be honest to oneself than to others. I found the reason for the anxiety, or may be I accepted the already known one and thought of working on it. Not immediately, but may be in a course of time. But for today, I took one decision and when thought of writing about it , I happened to read the astro instruction which warned me for not taking any major decision today so as to not regret in future. What an irony?...i know,i know you might think, how can someone rely so much on mere astro –indications. Even I don’t, so blindly believe, but when your heart and mind doesn’t synchronize on some matters you tend to believe every other thing which either comforts you or at least keeps you away from making a decision. I know, it is foolish but I acknowledged. As I said, it is easier to be foolish at times, than to be bold and decisive. I behaved foolish. But that too wasn’t very comforting. I still felt like crying. Dheeraj advised me to cry out loud and unburden my heart. I couldn’t.

At last, I decided to watch the IPL cricket match and divert my mind. From 4-8 in the evening, I was in front of the TV, but that left me more upset as my favorite team, shahrukh’s team KKR lost it. Then , I cooked for Dheeraj and Charvi, fed them and tried to concentrate on anything which could make me feel better. Nothing worked. Then I received the above said(opening lines) message on my mobile. To keep engaged, I forwarded it to many people. I received in response, many beautiful messages. I read them all and felt, a little better. Now, I am tired and badly need a good night sleep. I just hope, I get the same.

A day, sometimes, brings with it a bag full of tests, patience pullers, anxieties, mood swings, spherical choices, and much more in disguise of bewilderment and then it trials out the gush of the salt water through eyes. And the very same day, sometimes, ends with a lesson to be lot more tolerant, accepting, appreciative, forgiving, comforting, supporting, loving and most importantly to be content with what life has given, because there is always someone who has got lesser than you.

Sharing some of the messages I received and still receiving. Thanks to all who sent them…

• Dictionary is one such place where DEATH comes before LIFE, SUCCESS comes before WORK, DIVORCE comes before MARRIAGE, and FRIEND comes before RELATIVE, thank you for being a friend.
• One of the joys in life is waking up each day with thoughts that somewhere someone cares enough to wish u great day and life.
• Never choose me as a friend without understanding, and never loose me because of misunderstanding.
• What is Love?. Love is when my mom kisses and says, “son, u are my dearest”.love is when I come back late at night and my father says,”why u had to come only?”. Love is when my bhabhi says, “ I have selected a girl for u, tell me if u like someone else?’, love is when I am moodless and my brother says,”common, lets go for a drive”. Love is when my friend hugs me and says, “ there’s no fun in life without you”.Love is not just between girlfriend and boyfriend.
• We love ourselves even after many mistakes..then why we hate others for their one mistake..strange but true..think before you hate someone…
• Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, dream or MISS someone?....because the most BEAUTIFUL things in life are not seen, but FELT by heart.
• One who holds your hand every time when you need support is surely a good friend but a true friend is one who holds your hand tightly when you say, “leave me alone”.
• There is no GOOD or BAD in this world, but thinking makes it so..what people call “Congestion” in a bus, becomes “Atmosphere” in a Disco.
• “Response” is a powerful weapon to occupy a place in other’s HEART.So always give response to people who cares for u.
• Sometimes I forget to say hi, at times i even miss to reply, at times my messages don’t reach u, but it doesn’t mean I forgot u,……….i just give YOU time to MISS ME.

And the two best ones..which I received a minute back from my mosaji and my student respectively are

• When Love fails, Emotions works. When Emotions fails, Memories works. When Memories fails, Words works. When Everything fails, take 90 ml Vodka, it really works.
• Heart Touching Lines by great Abdul Kalam-“Pyaar karne ke liye to ye Zindagi itni choti pad jaati hai, pata nahi log nafrat ke liye kaise time nikaal lete hai”.
.

There are still more to go…..will share some other time…
Signing off with a hope to have a ghostly sleep and godly morning…good night

(115) Thought Worth Believing

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I was not really very willing to come up so soon with something on this blog and also I really don’t have any idea who reads my blog anymore besides my brother and few good friends. But I want to encourage my readers to give a thought to the thought I am gonna share today.

Two beautiful messages received early this morning. One said-“The person who loves you a lot will always do two things extremely for you. Silently Caring and Openly Hurting to make you perfect”. I read, replied and went to bed again, but couldn’t get back the sleep. My mind kept juggling with the thought forwarded through message. I wondered, if that was so true, why is it so difficult for us to forgive those beloved of ours who do wrong to us. Is it really so tough and testing to let pass the hurt feelings? Why do we hang on to the reasons and keep hurting ourselves by reliving the sad moments in the memories, though at the same time we desperately want the bad to get over and good to return through those lovely faces and voices which made our lives more meaningful and without whom life seems to be a punishment? Years ago, I lost two good friends because they lied to me and could never befriend them again, no matter, I have already forgiven them long back. I can’t tolerate people who lie to me, misuses my trust or back stabs me. Well, that’s about me..but why is the act of forgiveness not so prevalent in routine life?

What is the problem then? It has to do much with human nature. We are not born with egos or calculations, but we imbibe them eventually while growing into adults and thereby losing onto the innocence we held being children. A child’s love is pure, unconditional and effervescent. Every individual holds the experience of being in such love in the childhood, but fails to cling onto the same throughout or learn through it and gradually loses the grip on it while acquiring the more practical and sensible ways of living.

Wise people said, “Do to others as you would have them do to you!” If I want to be forgiven, I first need to impart forgiveness from my end. And, most importantly I should learn to forgive myself. So easy and so convenient, it sounds, and am sure once absorbed it would be easier to practice as well, but what needed is the courage to kick start it, to inculcate it within, deep within and then practice through actions.

Certain situations bring us dilemma. We want it to happen but we don’t carry courage to deal with it, we don’t want it to happen though we know it is certain, we wish it happened but we cannot put effort to let it, we wish it had never happened but we can do nothing to prevent it….and then we are sad. We fight with God for not giving us what we wanted, but later we realize that we got was better than that something. It’s a matter of faith in God, perseverance in the deed and patience for HIS answers. Nothing stays, everything passes by with the ticking of the time. Every eye, every life is witness to it but still fails to accept it. Deep within, we all know that nothing is going to stay for ever, we fear it and hence feel the pain. The fact is not going to change, but we can view it differently. If we fit the same thought in another frame, it becomes much more acceptable and bearable. To accept and appreciate what we have been offered is more convincing and contenting than complaining about something which is not achieved. “No one gets anything, before the time and more than what is destined.”

There’s one common beautiful thought shared through different stories, languages and people, followed and spoken by influential personalities, and strongly believed by many, I would like to share one form of it over here. How true and genuine it is, remains a question but the idea is to share the message. It’s a story about a Jewish king named Solomon who one day, assigned a seemingly impossible task to his minister Benamiah Ben Yehoyada. He asked him to find and bring a ring which when wore would change the feeling of the person wearing it. One feeling sad should feel happy, and one feeling happy should feel very sad. He was given a time line which was about to finish, and he desperately hoped for a miracle. Before the time ended, he went to one of the poorest place in Jerusalem and while vaguely searching he saw an old merchant selling some goods. He thought of taking chance with him and asked for such a magic ring which would reverse the effect on the person wearing it. The poor old merchant smiled and gave him a ring after imbibing four letters on it. Benamiah was very happy to return victorious whereas the other ministers in the court made mockery of him on his arrival assuming he had returned empty handed as every one knew that there existed no such ring on earth. Benamiah smiled and offered the ring to his Master. As soon as Solomon read what was written, he stopped laughing and realized that life was transient and everything is temporary. Those words were, “ This too shall pass”. So true and so proven. And we know it too, the only need is to acknowledge it .

These words when read gave me tremendous strength and confidence and I wanted to believe in it always, as this may make easier to pass through the difficult times and may prevent from getting overwhelmed and expectant in good times and thus help to live life with more peace and serenity.

(114) Pause

Hi all,
Sorry for coming up so late.Shifting,moving and settling down kept me on toes.But am so glad and thankful to all my friends who pulled to stay in touch and inquire in the meantime.The new city is Pune and for how long will it remain the same, god knows.Keeping the fingers crossed.

Many new things came up during these days.Had to write a lot, but somehow, i get this feeling that either i am unable to write-o-rather share honestly OR probably i have become biased selective in topics rather not cheered.Or donno, if its something else,or may be i have lost the inspiration,whatever it is, but i feel like taking a break.

Thanks to all those who had been so supportive all through and to those who were not so as well.i don't intend to say that this is the end, but i feel i should pause at this.May be i come up with more interesting work or may be i dont show up here again, may be you get to read me on some other unknown blog, or may be not anywhere.do i sound very pessimistic?, no, its not so.i think my creativity is yet to be unpeeled far further and with the intention to be more honest,justifying and courageous to harmonize the thoughts with the words i put up, i certainly need to re-evaluate and re-inculcate many things.i am definitely going to miss this indirect, faceless but certain interaction with all my readers,friends and well-wishers..take care.

All the precious feedbacks are truly welcomed as earlier..

(113) Bye for now...

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New year showed its first good sign for me. We are leaving this place and moving out of here. Though nervous to pack and move whole house again, I am glad and excited more about departing from so called Delhi, Noida,Gzbd.(No offence intended).

            Stay of about 9 plus months passed by and the time to go is here. If it was not very cheerful, was not even very bad too. It circled off with fast moving events leaving behind mixed memories. We performed Satyanarayan Puja, all sister in laws gathered during Rakshabandhan (both happened for the first time in last 4-5 years), my siblings visited us,  many other relatives who resides in near by places came to see us, I went to my father’s mother’s birthplace, village located on Haryana border- it was a great experience, I attended the wedding of my mom’s cousin brother in my mother’s father’s birthplace, village located on Delhi-Haryana border- again a refreshing happening, a short visit to Punjab, Trip to mussorie-dehradun-rishikesh-haridwar which was made more memorable by my brother’s being there, driving car with 100+ speed on NH-24 and in Delhi( was new for me), spent valuable time with two good neighbor families and a few unforgettable reunions. So, overall it was fine, but nothing so close that would convince me of staying back here anymore. Wish me luck, I may get more serene and generous living in the new place. Buzz you soon from the fresh destination.

(112) इशतिबाह

आब -ओ-गिल से मिल गए
फिर भी शुबा है दिल मैं
कैसे यकीन हों उनको
ज़र्ब हमने भी सहा है

हासिल नहीं हों जाती
युही किसीको जन्नत
काफ-ए-दस्त मैं उनके
देखें क्या लिखा है

सबब नहीं पूछा करतें
आंसुओं से दिल जलो का
आब-ए-दिदाह मिलेंगे
उल्फत जहाँ जहाँ हैं

पासबान नहीं था कोई
साकी भी पता नहीं
होश मैं रहे हम फिरभी
इतना वजूद रहा है

ताब ऐसा इश्क का था
वोही नहीं जले थे
लोगोने हमें भी उनसा
पाक़ तालिब कहा है

इशतिबाह रखने वाले
खुदको फिर तराशें
फारिघ होके उसने
प्यार किया कहाँ हैं ?

आब-ओ-गिल -water and clay
ज़र्ब-blow
काफ-ए-दस्त -palm
आब-ए-दिदाह -tears
पासबान-guard
साकी-bartender
ताब -heat
तालिब-lover
इशतिबाह doubt
फारिघ -free

(111)Walking through..

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Walking through the mist of thoughts,

I faced the mirror I dare not scour

It may display the soul jailed in me

Dying to unveil, dying to be free…..

(110) तिनका तिनका

तिनका तिनका इनको सवरने दीजिये
लम्हा लम्हा इश्क मैं निख़रने दीजिये
लुफ्त नहीं सब्र गवाने मैं इस तराह
हुस्न को आहिस्ता से बिखरने दीजिये

टूट जाते हैं होश राह मिलती नहीं
लहू बेह जाने पर भी चाह मिलती नहीं
घूँट नहीं शराब का जो उठा के पी गए
मोम है, ज़रा ज़रा पिघलने दीजिये

रोम से उभर के जो बदन पे आ गयी
कैसी है खुमारी जो आँखों मैं छा गयी
आघोष मैं ले लिया तो बाकी कुछ ना रहेगा
बिन छुए, अरमानो को मचलने दीजिये

लम्हा लम्हा हुस्न को बिखरने दीजिये ....

(109) Moon eclipse

my friend told me,
its a moon eclipse today
i could not see the moon from my balcony,
also its too late to go down in the park,
so i hung myself all on the fence
and caught a glimpse of it,
which was hidden beyond my sight..
the cool breeze freezed me out
and moistened me with a chill,
but yet i tried hard to push myself maximum out,
within the safe limit, not to throw myself from 11th floor and celebrate happy new year,and had a view, though the eclipse is not yet completed, still the view was awesome..if you are reading this now...go watch it..a very small part of it has turned dark...

(108) Welcome 2010

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2009, was an assorted year for me. It stretched out happiness, tears, union, separation, change of place, meeting lots of relatives, tours-trips, and bestowed copious major learning. I want to thank all those who made it special for me in some ways. And wish you all a beautiful year ahead and a wonderful life thereon.

Those engaged in studies, may get sharp knowledge

Those in quest of job, may get fair career

Those desiring marriage, may get better partner

Those waiting to go home, may get all opportunities

Those in search of love, may get peace in life

And those seeking a friend, may get ME, or someone like me….

A Happy Happy Happy New Year…Take care

Hope 2010 rings in with reduced pollution, controlled population, balanced corruption, curtailed global warming and zero terrorism. May peace and contentment prevail in each slice of the earth.

(107) STICKER kiss..

Christmas was fine. Called up some friends and wished them.Later, Charvi and I went down in the building park for Christmas Carnival along with my neighbour and her daughter. That was OK. Then we went to the mall opposite to us and spent good time indulging in variety of foods. Yesterday was good. Today it was bit tiring, but one lovely thing happened too. While I was driving back home, Charvi fell asleep. I slowed down and lowered her seat and tightened her belt, she was looking very cute while sleeping. I kissed her and drove back home. She woke up but laid lazy and stared at the walls. I went closer to her and kissed her on her pink cheeks, but she did not respond. She was still silent and lost in her thoughts. I got a sharp flash of related memory from my childhood. I was just the same. Many a times I wouldn’t retort to others gestures of pamper and love when lost somewhere, but when kissed on the forehead, I would be all in the arms. Few favorites never changes over the passing of time. I still feel the same pamper, support, closeness, security, belongingness, strength, trust, confidence and victory when I am embellished with love on my forehead. I never tried and try to unearth the reason behind such a pious feeling I experience whenever I am kissed on the forehead. And somehow I get this impression, that Charvi is akin to me in this matter. Today, when she was not responding to all my cuddling and teasing, I held her face tight and kissed her for long on her forehead, but with a very naughty and loud noise. When I stopped, she reacted, smiled and said something which made me laugh throughout the evening. She said, “ mamma, aapne mujhe sticker kiss ki?(did u give me the sticker kiss?). I was shocked with this new kind of name for a kiss and i said what??....she repeated. “mamma , aapne mujhe sticker kiss kiyanaa.”.I aksed her, “ sticker kiss kya hota hai?”(what is sticker kiss?). she said.. “arree mamma, jaise hum book ke ander sticker fevistick se zor se chipka dete hai, waise hi aapne mere forehead per kiss chippka di naa!!, toh yeh sticker kiss haina?”(arree mamma, the way we stick the sticker with fevistick in the book, sameway you have stuck the kiss on my forehead, so this is sticker kiss na.!)….i was so amazed to have found the new kiss..or rather new name of the kiss…The Sticker Kiss..and the founder is my cute little daughter.. Charvi..
You know.. My mother in law surely kisses us all on our foreheads whenever we visit her or she visits us.

And yes, I missed to say….do watch 3 Idiots. It’s a wonderful movie..a must must watch..have fun. One sec, one sec, one more thing..today again I was invited by my another neighbour and she too served me and Charvi with very tasty Sarso da saag and hot makka chapattis…I had it overfull.. it was yummy, I don’t know when will I learn to cook them. Bye for now. Good night, I got to go to sleep. Am very tired, had been driving a lot in last 3-4 days. Also, I am expecting my sis-in-law tomorrow morning, plus Dheeraj will also be coming back home, so lots of work to do. Catch you soon…

(106)Diet disastor

Recently, i put up lot of weight. Almost 7-8 kgs more than what i normally weigh. I thought of picking up dieting.Yesterday was the first day. I chose the 7 day diet plan very famous and adopted by GE employees in past.So, i was supposed to be on fruits first day.I shopped lots of fruits and vegetables a day before(when i had that chilled coffee..i told you yesterday, right). Day started off well, i kept eating chikoos, oranges, apple, papaya turn by turn all through. i even savored the wonder soup they had advised. It was not really a smooth day though, but still i thought i would succeed.
i must say, it is so much pyschological. days when i am not bound to the eating routine, i manage to survive without food almost half or full day, busy doing important things. but if i am told, that i am on fast or diet, its gone, it becomes a real fight. it happened so yesterday too. my will broke at around 5.30 in the evening. To feel less guilty, i called up my brother and told him that i am giving up.he supported and that was a kick start. i jumped into the kitchen, pulled the fridge door and grasped the bowl with plum cake. i had two large squares from it. then i ate two chapatis with matar-potato curry. still not done, i pushed in biscuits, chevda, chocolate and what not. then i relaxed for an hour and then went out to have chilli-paneer.woh..that was real yummy, spicy. came back home and decided not to have anything else. but, it was the dieting day....my neighbour rang in with a bowl of sarso da saag and plate of makke di roti, both layered with ounces of ghee. how could i resist my favorite combo?..go for it..i said..and all down in tummy...God...i would never again go for any dieting plan..i simply cant do things when am put in rules without my heart in it..well..that was all for yesterday...i dont know, how am gonna cut down on the fats all around me...just hoping it happens eventually....but hey...one sec..u know what, today when i went to buy tickets for me and Charvi(movie tickets, she is real good companion for movies), i came home to find lift not working. can you believe it, i had to climb eleven tall floors myself..eleven floors..i was panting and pumping like jumping bag ...perhaps...nature plays an act of balancing everything....all goodies eaten yesterday got churned by my foot climbing today...cya

(105)Cold Coffee

Temperature falling down and down by each day.
Air is meant to kill and Sun gives no relief.
Choked throat, and nose sprinkling.
Yet,
It was a thrill to walk down the lane and sit in the coffee shop, dare to choose between few favorites like Devil's own, Choco-frappe and Tropical iceberg; and to savor it at ease with every sip freezing the throat and the feel jumping out of my pores.
Its joy to treat your lone-self at times.

(104) It helps..

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If By choice,

By force,

Or By compulsion under situation,

You have to stay away from particular thing/person

And abolish your liaison with,

Although reluctant;

You should emphasis more on the thoughts,

Which ascends and highlights the negative traits,

And attributes of the one in question,

And reminds about the possible unpleasant consequences,

Which may result due to the continuity of the association.

It helps……

(103) Calling the dead

-->

Killed,

Buried,

Lost in the graveyard.

Why knocking now, on face of the coffin?

Does it mean and hold the hopes,

Of listening once again,

From the one,

Who is lying in side,

Not as the beloved,

But a dead body..

(102) A Letter Part 3

2 years later

-Hello bhaia-
-hey Chutki, how are you-
-am fine bhaia, and so excited to learn that you are coming to delhi next month-
-ya,, I thought , let me meet my naughty sister whom I haven’t met for years-
-oh bhaia, how sweet of you-
-so, what do you want from Calcutta?-
-will you get me whatever I say?-
-anything my Chutki-
-bring bhabhi along with you, I know, you guys don’t share a good affiliation, but I still want to see her, I have heard she is very beautiful and sweet spoken, please bhaia-
-no-
-please bhaia, I know you haven’t forgotten Taani, but how long will it continue like this, you have to get back the hold on your life-
-don’t worry Chutki, I have good hold on my life, and please,, don’t you ever take that bad name again in front of me-
-what? why you talk like this bhaia, I am shocked, how can u be so rude about her?-
- I said, I don’t want to talk about that bitch-
-stop it bhaia, enough is enough, people don’t talk bad about their enemies even, if they are dead, and look at you, you are rubbishing your love after she is no more-
-what?, what you are saying Chutki?
-don’t feign bhaia, as if you don’t know anything!-
-I don’t Chutki, I don’t, I don’t know any such thing, when did this happen? please tell me, oh my god, Taani, where are you?-
- are you serious bhaia, you don’t know about it-
-I don’t Chutki, please tell me, what happened to my Taani?
-please stop crying bhaia, I am sorry, I thought you knew it all and still….i am really sorry bhaia, Taani had a brain tumor and it became the cause of her death-
-when it happened?-
-a week before your wedding bhaia-
-why didn’t you tell me then, you were there in my wedding, right?-
-yes bhaia, but Taani had made me swear on her and gave me a letter to be given to you only after your wedding-
-where is that letter?-
-didn’t you get it bhaia?-
-no, never, you never gave me, how would I get it Chutki?-
-I gave it to your mom when she had come to Delhi after your wedding ,and asked her to hand it over to you-
-she never gave me one-
-that is bad, ask her-
-what did you tell her while giving the letter-
-I said, this is from Taani and she is no more-
-oh god, Chutki…do you know what was written in the letter?-
-no bhaia, I never opened it, how could I, it was meant for you-
-okey, thanks Chutki, I will talk too you later and I am sorry if I was too harsh-
-its okey bhaia,, please take care-
-bye-
-bye-



-Maa, maa.., where are you maa?-
-yes Rishi, what happened-
-Maa, when you went to Delhi last year, Chutki gave you a letter, where is that?-
-what letter, which letter, she didn’t give me anything-
-don’t lie maa..please don’t lie, don’t make me be rude to you, tell me where is that letter?-
-I tore it off-
-and-
-put it to fire-
-maa…!!-
-what!!-
-how could you do that to me maa..u knew it was from Taani and it was her last letter, and still, oh maa…can a mother be so cruel?-
-yes, I knew, it was from Taani and still I did that-
-did you read it maa?-
- there was no need, and I was not interested-
-I hate you maa-
-I did it for your good Rishi-
-what good maa? what good?I didn’t give her chance to speak her heart when she was alive and now, look maa, how fateless I am, she tried to tell me something for the last before she left for ever, and I missed even that. I lost the last source of encoding her core…. I, I suppose, I deserved it maa, I think I am punished this way.
-no beta, don’t think so-
-no maa, this is true…this loss will haunt me forever and ever…Taani I miss you..


To my Taani..

I saw you and that was all
Life changed forever
Though I could never say
But you were the only reason, I breathed after that
Life to me, became the task to see you in my world
To make you my queen.

My life became meaningless,
When you disappeared without reading my eyes,
Without listening to my heart
An era passed, I didn’t see you.
I thought I would die without letting you know, what you meant to me

But, my prayers fructified
We met,
I got the chance to unburden my heart
And I felt content to have told you what I always wanted to

Humans, we are never satisfied.
Now, I wanted you to love me too
Time went by listening to your voice and waiting for those words
And one day I heard the thing, I would have bargained my whole life for
You acknowledged my feelings
I had nothing more to demand.

But yet, I became selfish
Your emotional presence in my life was not all,
I wanted you to be mine every way,
And this broke us apart.

Now, when you are not there,
I realize all the more what you meant to me
I hope I had understood this when you were with me
However demanding I had been to you in my life,
I only wanted you to be mine, and only mine
Though you too said the same through your eyes
It took me long to understand your spiritual approach
But now, I know that you are mine
Wherever you are, be at peace
And remember only one thing about me,
That I truly truly love you and will die doing the same

Rishi

(101) A Letter Part 2

2 months later..

-Hello, hi Chutki, how are you?-
- I didn’t know brother, you loved me so much-
-I do Chutki-
- u hardly made a call to me earlier to my marriage, and now c, wow!, if I knew this, I would have got married soon, after all, u are my favorite brother-
-don’t be so humdrum and give me this filmy ds-
-alright, alright bhaia,now tell me, what makes you call your sis-
-actually,..Chutki, I needed your friends number-
-I should have understood it, well…Taani right?-
-yes-
-okey…note it down.----------
-thank u so much my dolly sister, love u Chutki-
-yaa yaa sure, and keep loving me and calling me , or else, Taani is my best friend u c-
-I know…bye-
-bye-

Eyes rarely lies. Rishi had read what Taani didn’t show. They met first very formally at the library, then a card shop and then the coffee bar at the interval of a month each time. Then the meetings became frequent moving onto more happening places like theatre, discos, parties and friends’s place. Time flew by like a bird, relation became stronger, feelings were understood, but there was something which was yet to be heard in words. Rishi had repeated it thousand times by now and was waiting to hear it from Taani. Those three beautiful words.

5 months later..


Rishi’s birthday. They spent the whole day together at a beautiful resort along with several other friends. Sunset, the day was over, and the time to go rushed in. Though Rishi was very happy to have spent the best birthday of his life, and Taani’s presence was the gift in itself, he still wanted something more. He dropped his friends first who were seated in his car, and then went to drop Taani at her hostel. She got down, waived a bye and started walking. Rishi was watching her without a blink. She paused, and so did Rishi’s heartbeat. She turned, came back to him, and held his face in her hands. His face got brightened. She placed a smooth peck on his right cheek, gave him a folded paper and walked back on her way. It took him few minutes to collect himself and see that she was already gone. He was on cloud nine to read those beautiful verses which said;

It’s difficult to compose myself when I see you
You don’t make a move but your air says it all
Your deep dovey eyes asks for my love
The peripheral smile draws me closer
Your silent lips demands a lock to be further Speechless
The smell intoxicates me
Your downy arms urges me to get lost in your embrace
When you are in my sphere, It becomes a battlefield, where
I long to loose to you and want you to win over me..
I feel the same as you do…I confess, yes I do..

A week later

-hi, you are looking beautiful-
-thanks, only you think so-
-no, seriously, ask any man out here, you will get the same reply-
-I don’t need to, what you say is what I trust-
-oh…I love you for this sweetness, that’s how you mange to kill me every time..
-Okey..now listen, I have to say something to you, but before that… thanks a lot for coming into my life-
- even I have to ask you something Taani, and please stop thanking me, how many times will you do that?-
-okey, then you go first-
-no,no, let it be you-
-I request, you say first-
-Ok, Taani, why do I get the feel that you are someone more deeper and sadder in yourself than what meets my eyes, I mean, what could have been the reason that it took you so long to confess your love, is everything alright with you?-
-indeed, that’s what I have to talk to you about-
-tell me then-
- but before that you have to promise me that come what may, our love will remain unaffected-
- do you doubt it?-
-no I don’t, but I still want a promise-
-okey, I promise, but you know I don’t keep my promises-
-stop kidding, be serious-
-okey, am serious and all ears to you, what is it that is bothering you so much-

“Hello Sir-Madam, please excuse us, sorry to disturb you, but you need to vacate this place at the earliest as we are expecting a huge crowd within short time, we will be glad by your co-operation”- quoted the volunteers of an NGO organizing a show for children.

-certainly we will, common Taani, let’s go somewhere else and talk at ease-
- that’s okey, we will talk later, this event reminds me I have to deliver a speech at our hostel’s function tonight, I must leave now, we will talk later-
-oh, please, wait for sometime Taani-
-try and understand Rishi, I must go, we will meet tomorrow-
-you sure?-
-Sure darling, bye for now-
- see you soon, I will miss you-

A month later


Rishi was eagerly waiting for Taani at a friend’s place, and taani was summing up all her energies and words on her way so that she could say everything she wanted to, without hesitation.

-oh Taani, where were you? what took you so long?, I would have died if you had not shown your face within next 5 minutes-
-calm down Rishi, what is this impatience about?, you know it takes one through traffic hell and pestering time to reach this place, you knew I was already on my way-
-give me a hug Taani, I just cant live without you-
- what happened Rishi, why are you behaving like this? is everything alright?-
-no, nothing is alright, but now it will, because you have come, just be with me, don’t leave me, keep holding me like this whole life, I want to die in your arms-
-please tell me Rishi, what is wrong, am already very nervous, don’t make me more, please say something-
-Taani, promise me, you will never leave me, wherever you are, whatever you do, you will always love me, and I know, you never break your promise-
- I promise-
-thank God, thank you, thank you Taani, thank you so much-
-now can you please please tell me, what’s the matter, see, even I have to tell you something which is very important for you to know-
-Taani, my father’s best friend and his wife had died in an accident last year, their only child- a daughter was sent to the hostel to finish the last year of her graduation, and now she has come to stay with us as none of her relatives are willing to take care of her-
-poor girl-
-no, say poor boy, my parents wants me to marry her-
-what?-
-yes, they don’t mind even if it happens after some years, but they want a promise from my side, how can they do this to me?, I am not going to let them throb their decisions on me-
-so, what have you decided-
-what is there to decide darling, we are getting married-
-be serious Rishi-
-do you think, am in mood of making some kind of joke, am serious, very very serious, my parents don’t approve of our relationship and so no other option left with us, let us elope, I have told my friends to make all the arrangements, it will take a day or two, and then, you are all mine and am yours-
- aren’t we?-
-of course we are Taani, but that is all in your divine state, right!-
-right, but isn’t that more rigid, stable and important?-
-it is , it is, I never denied, but I want something more-
-that is the epitome my love, when you love someone chastely, when you achieve someone spiritually and the feeling is mutual, that is all what one can aim for in love-
-oh my nirmala devi, my sant mahatma, I agree to all that you say, but you know, I want you in every form-
- your mood changes so fast Rishi-
-common now, we have whole life to discuss this all, right now, you have to tell me, what all you want to do in our sweet simple wedding-
-nothing-
-what, throw this arrogance Taani and be serious-
-I am-
-what does it mean?-
- it means, I don’t want to do anything, and it means I can’t ……-
-what?..tell me Taani, what?-
-Rishi, I am sorry, but I can’t marry you-
-shut up, shut up Taani, is this some kind of joke we are enacting, you fool, this is our life, how can you simply say you can’t marry me, you can’t say such a thing to me, no, you just cant, tell me , you are lying-
-I am not lying Rishi, please calm down and listen to me,I told you I had to talk to you something very important, but you..-
-no, not at all, I don’t want to listen to anything , nothing can be more important than you and me, you bloody selfish, how could you do this to me, you know how much I love you and still you have the guts to say all this, now I know you Taani, this is you, this is you, bloody selfish, fiendish girl who played with my emotions, played with my heart, how could I not see all this, oh god, why was I so blind in your love Taani, please, please tell me Taani, whats my fault?
-Nothing Rishi, no faults of yours, you have to listen to me first-
-no, I don’t want to, what would you say? you will give me all crap, stupid reasons why you can’t marry me, oh common, stop fooling me, am not going to trust you anymore, I should have got alert when Chutki had told me that Taani is a tough nut, but no, I didn’t think of anything, any one, just went mad about you, you and you, I gambled my studies, I risked my career, everything for you Taani, everything for you..and see, look at you, the shameless girl, so nicely telling me that she can’t marry me, great!, great! Now, if only you will decide everything about us, tell me what I should do after you are gone, tell me na-
-stop it Rishi, please-
-hello, hello, what is please and all, and why this tears in your eyes, don’t do this drama in front of me, am not going to get melted again, now I know you for all, so please, don’t try this tactics on me, am not going to trust you anymore, is that clear, now please, get lost, go away from my life, and don’t you dare show me your face again-
-anything else Rishi-
-why? do you want me to humiliate you even more, do you want me to call you names, haa?, I can do that, you know , I am good at that, I can abuse you to the least level-
-do it-
-oh leave it, you know what you are, a bitch who can never be trusted, so get lost-
-am going –
-yes, please mam, leave me for better, and yes you forgot to tell me what I should do now?-
-marry that girl, bye-


TO BE CONTINUED...

(100) A Letter ...Part1

Rishi packed his bag in 5 minutes and rushed to the station, everyone from the family was starring at the huge clock on the platform, guard blew the whistle, waved green flag and the train left the halt. They were sure of Rishi missing the train, but this time, he proved them wrong. Akin to the train scene in famous Hindi movie DDLJ, Rishi boarded the train last minute and also managed to pull up on board the pretty girl by holding her silky hand, who too was on the verge of missing it by all.

-thank you-
-it was my pleasure-
-Sorry?-
-I mean, its okay-
-okey-

Rishi joined his family and was immensely glad to learn that the girl shared the same coach. How could he simply waste the opportunity of befriending the cute creature? But how? He persuaded his younger sister to click a conversation with her. That too, didn’t work, the girl was some kind of invincible jerk who wouldn’t give in with ease. Broken heart, he went to sleep.

-get up Rishi, how many times we have to wake you up, everyone is out-
-5 minutes Maa-
-darling, its not home, the train will depart soon, get down quickly-
-what! where’s she?-
-who Ria ?, she is already down, now common fast-
-not Ria maa, where is….-
-who?-
-no one-

Very disappointed, Rishi was strolling at the lowest speed carrying his backpack as if a dead-body. The month long excitement of attending cousins wedding had disappeared, leaving train created some kind of void within.

-hello…,hello…, welcome g, how was your journey, hope you had no trouble-
-oh no no, it was all smooth-
- freshen up yourselves, breakfast is ready-
- ya sure, we’ll not take long-
- you are not allowed to, many things to do, shaadi ka ghar you see-

Rishi went up to his cousin’s room and knocked the door vigourously.

-chutki, quickly open the door, I wanna see the bride, is she shy or flamboyant as always-
-no, am not, give me a minute-
- quick , quick, I cant wait to see my kiddo sister grown up into the bride-
-here I am-
-wow, you are looking gorgeous, may I come in-
- of course bhaia, what’s this asking permission and all?-
- I would not if I had not seen the other girl’s back in your room-
-oh..don’t worry, she is my best friend, arrived an hour before, from your city u see-
-ahaa…I see(eyes flashing and mind thanking: thank god, I saw you again, I thought I had lost you)
- Taani, this is Rishi and Rishi , this is Taani, my darling friend-
-hi-
-hi-
-so , you belong to Calcutta, you don’t look like a bong-
- no, I belong here, I am there for my studies-
-alright, good decision-
-of what?-
-studying in Calcutta, it’s a nice place-
-no, its not , I had no choice-
-hmm, bad for you-
-excuse me, I have some work, Chutki, I will be back before evening, I haven’t yet met my parents-
- make sure, you come soon, I cant handle it all without you-
-sure, bye both of you-
-bye……-
-bye……-

-chutki, tell me something, is this girl a born boorish or she is pretending to be one infront of me-
-hello..! bhaia, she is too cute and who are you to be given importance-
-hello…you,ur brother is too handsome to give any heed to such a loutish babe u see-
-ya, ya-
-leave all this, be serious, am so sad that today is the last day of the free life-
-ya, I know, but what a poor girl in this world can do after marriage-
- I was talking about your dulha chutki-
-bhaia..u are too bad-
- no doubts, see, even your friend is frightened of me-
-why you are after her?-
-I kind of like her-
-what?, in the first meeting-
-yes, it was like love at first sight-
- I didn’t find any such thing while u guys were talking-
-not now, chutki, she was with us in the train-
-ofcourse, ofcourse, quite possible, she came by the same train-
- so , u see, she fell for me-
-ha, ha, check urself bro, and yes, all the best, she is a tough nut-
-we will c-

Through out the wedding, Rishi’s focus was solely on Taani and he kept zooming in and out his puzzling pair of eyes. Taani could very well understand this and kept avoiding him throughout, though by the time it was to bid the bye, even she felt the jingle in some part of her heart. Happy wedding- and all were back to their respective dwellings.


TO BE CONTINUED...........

(99) HICCUPsssss...

Hiccup, and a hiccup
And non-stop hiccups
I ignored them first
Then thought,
Let me enjoy..
Let me dare think,
Who could it be..?
Hiccup..


Names and faces to check
Or think of someone unique
But before, I could confirm
My maid’s strong voice shot from the dining space,
Gushed in my room and hit my ears.
‘What’s the matter? Why so many hiccups?
And a loud Hiccup…


She came closer,
And asked teasingly,
Didi, who could it be?
I said,
I am wondering about the same.
And surfaced the Hiccup..


While I am writing this,
My hiccups,
Are returning at the same tempo.
Hiccup..


They say,
If you divert your mind to something else,
Hiccups disappear.
I tried it,
I tried that,
Nothing worked.
And the uhh uhh of my hiccups,
Is reverberating like a jingle,
A beautiful melodious tune,
Which says,
Forget about the scientific logics,
And for now,
Have faith in the strongly held old superstition,
About hiccups,
That someone is missing you,
And be happy,
That you are fondly remembered….

Hiccup,
Hiccup,
Hiccup…am enjoying these hiccups..

(98)Convened to Soul

The winds peeled of my exterior,
The words left many wounds,
The pristine walls were broken,
Some defiance yet, remained intact within me.

I grasped, I swallowed,
I walked along the flow,
I complied with the decree of involvement,
Some rancor yet, remained intact within me.

The spell unturned, season changed,
The airs of an unknown earth rushed in.
Fragrance was sedating, the aura most deliberate,
Pushed pain in my chest,
Moistened my lips, dried up my throat,
Tickled my intestine, uplifted my trust,
Blood in me confused its way.
Moved from my stone hold stature,
I began to melt slowly,
Layer by layer,
edge by edge.

I became a tree, I flared every leaf,
I stood high with pride, Unshaken, not bothered.
My flowers blossomed, I was beautiful.

I clicked the rhythm with the roots,
And moved into the wet soil,
I was enriched, smoothened, more intense, incomparable.

I melted more, I merged myself,
I began to surge deeper within,
I was losing, yet gaining.

I blended in the water, I became a river,
I drifted crest and trough, I was vigorous.
I felt the torrent, and then I was silent, a triumphant.

I bathed in the saps of my own seventh heaven,
I admired solitary amidst endless love.
I found the other part of my soul…I was entire.

I emanated afresh, every miniscule born new,
Unrestrained, pleased, I traveled back through forms,
From the river to the soil to the tree to the stone.

But this time,

There was no defiance,
No rancor,
I was a free bird,
Liberated,
Auspicious,
Euphoric.
I was a soul so complete,
To have accomplished,
The journey of searching the comrade,
And to have become,
One with it……
An undivided soul…

(97) The silent lake

I was atop a tiny hill besides the land attached to the squarely circular, deep, dark, silky-silent lake. On the opposite side, there was a small piece of land where Ana, Divi, Mira and Pramarsh were searching various ways to cross the lake and come on my side, from where they could have traded through the adjacent fields and reached the trivial village. Ana and Divi were scheduled to get married in a very old temple situated in the derelict fort of that village. They waited for a long time and then saw a wooden circular casket coming towards them flowing from their right side of the lake, which was connected to a thick jungle. They were very pleased to see the help forwarded by the nature. Meanwhile there came a pair of white swan and sat by their side, looking into their eyes requesting them to take them too across the lake.

The craft arrived, and after trying every possibility of accommodation, they understood that at a time only two people and a swan could float across in that vehicle. So Pramarsh and Mira initiated to go first with one swan, although the swan couple were not very willing to break into two. After reaching on the bank of my side, Mira pushed back the casket towards Ana-Divi. Now, they boarded it with the other swan in hand, and made a move further. Ana could make out what was on three sides of the lake, but could not see anything very obvious on the forth side. She was very curious to know and requested Divi to sail towards their left just for few minutes, so that she could explore what was there. Divi denied and reminded her that they were suppose to reach the temple before the sunset otherwise as per the temple rules, they would not be allowed to get married if it turned dark. Shunning off this remark, Ana still insisted stubbornly to go towards her left. He gave in and they turned their casket on that side. They floated ahead and were surprised to see, the otherwise so silent and mysterious lake, ending into a huge noisy water fall which was un-surmise-able from the distance they halted their move.

Ana stood up to get an idea of the depth, but her stand shook the steadiness of the vessel and it fell with the flow of the stream. Luckily they both got stuck to the feeble rope stairs which hung through the iron rods nailed deep into the end of the land under lake. Divi was closer to the lake holding onto himself with one hand on the rope stair and one hand clutching the swan safeguarding it, followed by Ana a little further. They gave a good fight to the turbulent water, but it proved difficult to come back on the calm surfaces. Divi pulled out all his energy, encircled one arm on the rope and held swan with the same, forwarded his other hand towards Ana to pull her up, and gestured her to give her hand. Before she could do that, Suri emerged out from nowhere and held her from her back, secured her and made a move to climb up. Ana and Suri had broke up sometime ago, but he was back because he could not do without Ana. Divi felt aghast to see himself as a loser, he lost the balance and fell through the unending stream to get divulge in wide waters. Ana was saved.

I could see Divi and the swan floating dead, deep down out there.

(96) Trin Trin..Hello

The Beginning…Trin, Trin…

SHE:Helloo..
HE:- Morning !
SHE:Good morning dear!!
HE:- So, what were you upto?
SHE:Nothing much,
HE:- Really !I thought u must be busy, as u always do.
SHE:Yeah, kind of
HE:- Like what?
SHE:Not much, am filing nails, surfing net, listening to music, and…
HE:- Hey hey, wait a sec, if this is not much, what would your much be?
SHE:Oh come on, u known na, am a multi tasker..
HE:- Yeah, I know, who would know this better than me?
SHE:What do u mean???
HE:- Exactly what u understood..
SHE:I did not understand anything.
HE:- Oh come on, don’t pretend.
SHE:I never pretend.
HE:- U always do..
SHE:Oh..then what do u do?
HE:- What I do?
SHE:Have you ever been yourself truly?
HE:- Yes, always..
SHE:No, never..
HE:- Please, leave it, I don’t want to get into any fight with you.
SHE:Really!!
HE:- Yes, truly, I had called you to tell something very important..
SHE:People like u also have something important to say…ha, ha, ha
HE:- Why, what’s wrong with people like me?
SHE:Leave it, u will not be able to hear it
HE:- What, tell me?
SHE:Long list baby, u won’t be able to handle it
HE:- Oh come on, if I can handle u, I can handle the world war three..
SHE:What do u meeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnn???????????
HE:- Nothing darling, just pulling your leg, u know na, am good at that.
SHE:No, u are not, I know u are serious about what u said
HE:- Thank God, at least once, u took me seriously.
SHE:What the hell?. What do u think of yourself?
HE:- Super cool fool who fell for you.
SHE:Oh yes, certainly, now u think yourself as a fool, because u chose me, right?
HE:- Right.
SHE:No, am a fool, because I agreed to be with you.
HE:- I am a bigger fool who ever proposed you?
SHE:No, I am the biggest fool, dumb-ass on this earth to have given into you.
HE:- Thank God, u agree to this.
SHE:To what?
HE:- That you are the biggest foolll…
SHE:What, what do u want to say, I mean, what u are trying to prove? tell me, right now.
HE:- Shhuuuutt up, I didn’t call to fight, why do u always end up like this?
SHE:Who?, me, I do this, do I do it all alone on myself?
HE:- No, I agree, even I do mistakes, but most of the times its you.
SHE:Again !! see again, u want to play the same blame game, why the hell do I ever listen to u? why do I even talk to you, Oh , god, what a stupid I am to entertain such a nerd.
HE:- Because you don’t have anyone else to listen to you
SHE:Don’t tell me, u know well, how many admirers I have
HE:- Why don’t u go to them then?
SHE:Bloody hell !!!, u men, you..all are the same, hypocrites!!, you male chauvinist!! don’t u know why I am with you?
HE:- Why?
SHE:Still a why!!
HE:- Ya ya , tell me, why?
SHE:U stupid, because I ……well, leave it, u would never understand, in fact, u just don’t deserve it.
HE:- Haan, haan, I don’t, but u do, right?, do u deserve my love? no u don’t.
SHE:Then why do u talk to me, why do u even call me? just hang up, shut up, get lost, go, just go away, why the hell u ever came into my life? tell me ,tell me haan!!
HE:- (In a calmer voice)Poor girl, u decide first, what do u want, do u want me to shut up, hang up, get lost or answer u why I came into ur life?
SHE: (calming down)Umm..okey, I am obliging you ( sarcasm!!) by allowing some more time, tell me , why?
HE:- Because….
SHE:Ya..go ahead
HE:- Because….
SHE:Oh fo…common, quick
HE:- So eager to know..!!!
SHE:As if I don’t know..
HE:- U know!!
SHE:Ya , I do, but u tell me.
HE:- If u know, then y should I waste my energy..
SHE:Uuuuuuu….!!!do u want to say or should I han….??
HE:- Okey, okey, alright..here I am..I was saying, because I..lo
SHE:Now please don’t say that u truly….
HE:- Yes, I truly..
SHE:No, no, u must be kidding me
HE:- Why? don’t u trust me?
SHE:No, I don’t .
HE:- Please darling, don’t start this all over again, stop making fun of me and let me say what I have been telling you ever since I saw you, let me …
SHE:Hello, helllooooo, hellllo, I can’t hear you, voice breaking sweetie, can u be a bit louder
HE:- Hello, hello, now…can u hear me..?
SHE:Ya,.ya, its better,.tell me.
HE:- I was saying..I
SHE:What?
HE:- I …
SHE:What? can’t hear..
HE:- I know u can hear me….and I love you…
SHE:Hmm…what.? .kya..? cudn’t hear properly
Can u please repeat?
HE:- Yes, 1000 times, all my life, my honor.
SHE:Do it…
HE:- What….??
SHE:Do it I said, say 1000 times, Go ahead..,Am counting
1,2…start, start be quick
HE:- Now..!!
SHE:Yes….daaarlliinng...right now.!!
HE:- I have to rush to the office baby..
SHE:I don’t care..
HE:- Please..
SHE:No.
HE:- Plleeaase
SHE:I said start..
HE:- Okkey….I………………(1,2,3,4,5……10000 times done)
SHE:Wow , u did it my love, but don’t you think, there was something missing?
HE:- What now???, I mean, what could be missing in it darling?
SHE:Did u say all that 1000 times for me?
HE:- Of course sweetheart..
SHE:Then, why didn’t you take my name at the end even for once..
HE:- Oh….did’nt I?..i mean, I didn’t, but isn’t that understood.
SHE:No,
HE:- Please
SHE:I said No, say again 1000 times, but now end with my name each time..
HE:- Some other time darling, I gotta be going
SHE:Now, now, now,now or else
HE:- Alright…alright. Then,.get ready to marry a bankrupt…
I love you(name)….., I love you(name)….

The End..(never came)

(95) Nov 18

Ten parathas, one curry
Papad roasted in hurry
Took chatni-garlic-chilli
Forgot jam, in hurry

Butter milk, full big urn
Salt packing, gave me run
Took water in the bottle
I was going to have fun

Packed things in a rush
Joy could see the gush
Left home to the loud
Smiling self in a hush

Boarded train, inside chill
Journey became happy drill
Had fun savoring them all
Few hours of enduring thrill

(94) Nov 17 Change is inevitable

Enough, enough of my philosophy on life, love, relationships, u might have got bored of it.haina!! May be, may be not. If not, am glad, if yes, never mind, u have anyways had it. But hey hey, that doesn’t mean, am not gonna deliver any emotional stuff, I will, but kabhi-kabhi. Not so often, that u just can’t handle it and have to run for the hangover aides. Alright then, what do I write. Well, I too have a funny bone to my side, but that’s known to few. Am not sure, if I can really tickle your senses to laughter with whatever I decide to write henceforth, but I can assure you, its gotto be different. What about, what ways, what manner, I don’t know at this moment. I will let that part and experiences of my life get resurfaced which gave me a real good time and laughter indeed, be it associated to me directly or been captured from other’s life by my weird habit of observing and noting it down in memory. So, in all, its gonna be of variety and fun, hope so. Fingers crossed. You know, first I thought , let me create another blog for this and try my mind out on capturing those funnier advances I come across , over there. Second thought, why not try it out here itself, after all, I know, there are at least few of my fans ( am I hallucinating !, no yaar, I know there are ..) who do read me regularly and hence why not eat their head out rather than working hard on creating a new creed of my fans( kuch zyaada ho gaya na, never mind, its always good to be optimistic). However, I still doubt if this effort will take me places, but variety is the essence of life. And once, my friend out of personal opinion, had pointed it out to me that I like variety. Wood noted the point, and the start for you. God bless all. Flash you soon..

(93) Nov 16 -Every Prayer is Answered

Hard to believe, but I read somewhere that every prayer is heard by the Almighty. What is a prayer then? Every thought, every gesture we make is observed by HIM and replied accordingly. That means, we should not let grow the negative energy which results into the bad vibrations and thereby reaching him again in some form, a prayer! And every prayer is answered, sooner or later, with the best response. Few will agree, many will not, but I don’t intend to get into this discussion over here today, save it for keeps, may be we can elaborate it later on.
So, the crux is EVERY PRAYER IS ANSWERED.
Knowingly, unknowingly, intentionally, unintentionally, willingly, unwillingly, under the influence of circumstances, owing to the mental, emotional, physical state of one, out of nature, because of habit, under pressure, and following many such lame but strong reasons we let ourselves get enslaved to the negative energies present in the surroundings and within our own quintessence. Then we suffer. And we complain to the Omnipresent for being biased and not listening to our pleas. We don’t realize, what we got was the outcome of something requested by our thoughts, done by our deeds and rightly deserved by our karmas.
Set right the thought first followed by the action and things will fall in place themselves. And if they don’t show up the way we had planned, leave them up to HIM because he has made some better plans.
The flow of negatives had been very high in my arena during last few days and the fortnight. Events shattered me and shook my mainstay, which otherwise had withstood many a big torments confronted, but this time it was worse. I gave into the series of happenings and kept falling into the dig of self pity, culpability, re-approaching myself with stricter reprimands, and admonishing the fate for everything. I tried not to exist- virtually, I did everything to escape from the reality, but it kept striking me back at every turn. I had two choices, accept it or keep running from and crossing it until I would have finally lost to it ending into worse outcomes. Most of the times, running away is the easier option, but how far I could have darted myself, it had to meet an end eventually. I accepted it, I agreed to believe that few things are beyond man’s verve and have to be left completely onto the creator, because he knows the reason best, behind choosing certain chain of events to occur in one’s life. I chose to keep flowing at my own pace, with my own set of values and beliefs, because even if I stop to exist virtually, the truth will remain as true as my life, my existence until the higher power decides to cease my breath. And hence, no more of hide and seek in name of fate, relationships, sorrows. Why not live it, face it the way it comes with more cheerful, bold and welcoming face rather than the sad, pretending, the compulsive one, because in either case it has to be led until the last breath. Why not chose to fight the odd out and search more the merrier? If not found, let it be invented through the minutest deal to the biggest barter of life.
Also, I should not forget what I always sermonize-“whatever happens, happens for good”. And above all, I have heard and been advised a very good thing so often which emphasizes on being more liberal to life and that says, “Believe in forgetting and forgiving”. - Easier said than done-, I know, this is what most of us will say, but if tried, it will certainly reap peace. I think, this is one thing which benefits two peripheries, it eases our heart off the bad feelings by forgetting and thereby sending less cursing thoughts to the other person who did damage. It unburdens our core when we forgive, leading to the state wherein we don’t want to settle any more scores for the unjust done to us. On the other hand, when we are wrong, and not pardoned even after the apologies, we should still practice the same thing, “forget and forgive”. we know we have forfeited ourselves for the offence, and forwarded penitence for the same, we should stop badgering ourselves and practice positive thinking, because every thought creates some vibration and reaches the omnipresent in a form of a request, a prayer. And hence, no negative thought should be created, cared for or sent through to avoid the depressing energies flowing further. And to aid the thought of optimism, we always have some important, unforgettable, beautiful, immortal, enthralling moments of our lives to look upon and receive good vibes from, the way they had given us when they were very much breathing and bustling with us, in us.

(92) Nov 16

आया हूँ लम्हों के लिए
देखूं की तुम कैसी हों
        अब भी मुस्कुराती हों
        या आँखें सुजाये बैठी हों


क्या अब भी बातें करती हों
बेवजाह सारी दुनिया से
        या मेरी आवाज़ सुनने को
        कान लगाये बैठी हों


आईने से मुह मोड़ लिया
या अब भी सजती सवरती हों
        आकर तुम्हे एक नज़र देखू
        क्या आस लगाये बैठी हों


भूल गयी हों तुम मुझको
की हूँ मैं तुम्हारे खयालो मैं
        मिल जाऊ मैं फिर से शायद
        क्या सांस लगाए बैठी हों


बावरी हों अरी,तुम ना जानो
मैं आज़ाद परिंदा हूँ
        आऊंगा ना फिर दुबारा
        क्यों ख्वाब सजाये बैठी हों

(91) Nov 13

Endless journey, how do I move
Guide me, teach me, stand by my side
The hurdles, the set backs aren’t too less
Fuel my spirit, toughen my stride

Sought my thought, kill the feel
Empty my heart, fill up my head
Brace the will, slay the whimsies
To my sentiments, give a shred

Make me walk, stop my talk
Pour into me the mettle so rave
Make me do, deeds for needy
Let me sweat until my grave

(90) Nov 11

हथेलियों मैं मुह छिपाके
उंगलियों से आँख दबाके
अन्धकार तोह ढूंड लिया
     रात कहाँ से लाओगे


बातें करके बड़ी बड़ी
बन बैठे हों संत बड़े
जब आएगी त्याग की बारी
    जस्बात कहाँ से लाओगे


दुनिया से उसे चुरा लाये
मजबूरी तुम्हारा प्यार था
वोह भी तुमसे प्यार करे
     हालात कहाँ से लाओगे


चल दिए सब छोड़ छाड़ के
औरो पर एहसान किया
खुदा बनने की कोशिश है
     औकात कहाँ से लाओगे

(89) Nov 9

Something that I had never approved of
Something that only you could have created
Something that I would have never chosen
Something that only you had the right upon
Something that I would have never asked for
Something that only you could have given
Something that broke my core
Something that eased your sore
"your absence"

(88) Nov 2

ना जुबां बोल पाए
ना समझ मैं कुछ आये
कोई कुछ कहे, मशवरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

पानी के बुलबुले है
या मन से बहतें आंसू
वजूद जस्बातों का अब ज़रा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

बाहों का आलिंगन
होठों की छुअन
हर जस्बा तेरा हमें कटघरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

उमीदो की रुसवाई
ख़्वाबों का जनाज़ा
एतबार का होसला कुछ  डरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

आँखों मैं खून आया
लफ्ज़ों मैं ज़हर बरसे
तेरे दिल मैं मेरा प्यार अब मरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

भूलना जो तुझे चाहू
कैसे मैं भुला पाऊ
मेरी रगों मैं तेरा दर्द अब भी हरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

(87) The Present

Very different day it was. Morning passed away quickly. Afternoon, I gathered some information from my friend. And in evening after having a phone chat with my brother, I went to the park with Charvi. There I met my new neighbour and we both shared our disliking about the city we are in.During conversation, I confessed to her that I feel socially detached in this new place and miss my friends from Hyderabad. I had no idea that soon I would be getting some news from there. Throughout the day, I was feeling very low and it ended leaving me more forlorn.

After serving dinner to Charvi , I called my mom and immediately after I had hung up the phone, I called back my friend in Hyderabad who was constantly trying my number in the meanwhile. She enquired about my health and then after pausing for a while she asked if I got the news about another colleague-family friend of ours. My denial made her inform me about the same. She said that the other friend of ours met with an accident this after noon while returning from tirupati. And before I could ask anything further, a lightning flash of that cheerful lady crossed my mind, my thoughts, my eyes.

Woman with a sweet smile, plain attitude, unique conversing style and ample desire to learn from and mix with every new person being introduced to her. I still remember every meeting of ours, be it the dinner parties at our place, the office gatherings or any event at other friends’s house. She came up with the very same traditional south Indian décor to her persona added with her coy but confident attitude, every time she came across. I always found her involved so honestly either in her husband’s concern or her two little children’s worry, but both layered with proud possession of being the one to take that. She could hardly manage to speak Hindi and I could not speak telugu, so we always conversed in English, I still reckon that peculiar accent she spoke which gave idea about her brief stay in US.

Next line from my friend was ,“ she passed away”. I was shocked. Could’nt believe myself, but yes it was true. It’s only effortless to imagine someone’s death when that person is a stranger, but drastically difficult to accept when that person is known to you. I was not very close to her, but we were friends. I had not spoken to her for long, but the news shook me down, it seemed as if it was only yesterday when all of the friends had gathered at my place for dinner before I left hyerabad. Infact , every occassion of our meeting is replaying itself in my mind so rapidly now, that I fail to believe it all the more that she is not alive. Since last two hours, am unable to think about anything else but her. And what a sad end of life, she was coming back from Tirupati with her Mom,Dad and her son, one and half year old son. They stopped somewhere to buy something for the child. Her father and her son got down to go to some shop and she was seated in the car along with her mother. A lorry came rushing and rammed into the car killing two innocent lives. Why?, what was their fault? Nothing at all. I know, I know this is nothing new, everyday, every single day we read, hear, see an learn about hundreds of accidents and killings, and at times feel sad about them but then we forget and be normal, but how do we manage to do so? Because those are not known to us. At times, even these stranger lives leave me shattered, but I do overcome. Loss of someone known to you is hard to get along with. Imagine, if I am so much disturbed, what those people must be going through for whom she was their life, who loved her more than all, what about her husband, her kids, two young kids?. I am unable to accept this cruelty of nature. I am feeling so helpless. I know things will settle down with time, but right now it is just not settling in me. I am feeling so bad for everyone out there who must be going through the trial of bidding the farewell to this good human being.

Life is so uncertain. Time and again, I learn this, realize this and promise myself every time that from now I will live through the heart, make the best of every day, love everyone and will make the least complaints because I am still blessed to live, but you know what, I forget, I forget it very soon. The fast mechanized material life makes me a robot every time and only such losses reminds me that I have to live more meaningfully rather than successfully.

We had our tickets booked from Udaipur to Delhi for last Monday. Number of times we thought of postponing it to Tuesday, infact everyone insisted us to do so and we had almost decided to do it, but something pulled us back and we sticked to our schedule. We reached home safely. Same train which left on Tuesday met with a massive accident and claimed so many lives plus leaving many injured. News kept flashing throughout the day on television. Whole day, I was thinking what if, what if , what if?. What if we would have changed our program, what if I would have died in that accident, what if something still worse would have taken place?.. I know, this is called pessimism , but tell you, its not so. I have been saved almost four times earlier from similar situations and hence it pushes me to think, what if?..You know, am not scared of dying, not at all. But what petrifies me is the thought of the pain I would leave behind. If not many, am sure of few those loved beings who would certainly not want to acknowledge the news of my demise. And the biggest fear I hold in my death is leaving my child behind. May be I am sounding selfish, but this is what I believe that no one else can give my child the love I hold for her. This may be my illusion because everyone else in family loves her, in fact her dad showers life on her, but still, the selfish mother in me never allows to accept that anyone else can ever look after her better than I do, and so I do not want to die soon. Who is stopping me then?, no one, I know. But , I said, life is so uncertain, and time and again it keeps proving the same, and ticks the reminder—live it , live it, its just today, the day you are in , nothing else you have the hold on, so live it completely just today. No plans, no strategy would work when HE will throw his card. And yes, how can I, so easily forget this, when we have already faced a big inundation of life just 15 days back. Was not that also a token of the fact that nothing is certain except the supreme power and his ways.

So…live it today, live it all, live through heart, speak out your dreams, share your feelings, ask for forgiveness, give your blessings, forget the hatred, kiss your child, hug your mom, speak to your dad, pardon your foe , care for your friend, listen to the loved ones, give time to your people, do everything you could have done yesterday, you can still do yoday,now, but have left it for tomorrow .Yesterday is the past, gone and buried, future is not known, doesn’t exist, what you have in your hand is just today, this day, this moment, the present- may be that’s why we call it a present- a gift. Value it….