(58) असमंजस

लंबा सफर, काली रात

उस पर ज़ालीम , तेरी याद

चुभते है दिल के जस्बात

नही मगर कोई इसका ईलाज

गूंजे है मेरी साँसों मैं

झलके है मेरी आंखों मैं

बातें तेरी, तस्वीर तेरी

कब आओगी बाहों मैं

सोचु तुझसे बात करूँ

हाले-ऐ-दिल सब तुझसे कहू

लेकिन यह तकदीर मेरी

चाहकर भी कुछ कर ना सकूँ

यह सफर तोह कट जायेगा

लेकिन नया फिर कल आएगा

खो जाऊँगा याद मैं तेरी

युही जीवन ढल जायेगा

(57) ऐसा ही हु मैं !!

ग़म को सहता नही, सहलाता हूँ मैं

तभी शायद पत्थर दिल, कहलाता हूँ मैं !

देकर के ताने , खुश हो जाते हैं लोग

चुप रहकर के , दिल उनके बहलाता हूँ मैं !

मेरे बे -असर बर्ताव से , वोह नाराज़ होतें हें

ख़ुद ही कड़वा कहकर , ख़ुद ही रोते हेँ !

मैं मनाऊं ऐसे मौके, कम ही होतें हें

इल्जाम लग जाने के डर से, रह जाता हूँ मैं !

दर्द नही होता मुझको, जस्बातों से काम नहीं

और भी बढ़कर लगायें हें, येही बस इल्जाम नहीं !

शिकवा भी मैं कैसे करूँ, गैरों का ये काम नहीं

अपनो ने ऊँगली ऊठाई है, मोह मैं बेह जाता हूँ मैं !

(56) अफ़सोस

तुमसे नफरत करना चाहूँ
कैसे भी मैं कर ना पाऊं
कसूर तुम्हारे आख़िर क्या है ?
लेकिन ये ग़म सह ना पाऊं

तुम्हे शायद पता नहीं है
क्या कया मैंने सहा नही है
तुम ना मिले , ना प्यार मिला पर
तुमसे कभी कुछ कहा नही है

आख़िर क्यों है जीवन ऐसा
ताश के बिखरें पत्तो जैसा
तुमसे रिश्ता जुड़ ना पाया
फिर भी नाता तुमसे कैसा ?

यादों का बिखरा है साया
हर दिन नई उदासी लाया
रंजीश है दिल को बस इतनी
तुमसे दिल की कह ना पाया

(55) एक सच

कभी लगती है सागर जैसी,

कभी महज़ बूँद पानी की.

इन्ही के बीच खोयी है कही,

परिभाषा ज़िंदगानी की.

सोचो ना की उम्र भर रिश्तें,

ख़ुद साथ चले आयेंगे .

सुलझानी पड़ती है ख़ुद हर कड़ी,

इस पेचीदा कहानी की....

(54) CONTRITION..

Intently, I never did wrong to anyone so far in my life. However, at few occasions, though involuntarily I served some people with bitter experience and parted with them leaving atrocious memories. Those recollections of mind pesters me at times so much so that I get a strong feeling to rewind the period and come back only after correcting all erroneous actions performed in the past. Sadly…that’s not possible. Also, this is my personal feeling that what happened so wrong was actually wrong, but who knows, probably those were the best suited outcomes in respective situations. May be…I am mistaken now, to feel sad about those things. But who will judge me and the time bygone to decide thereby if it’s really worth for me to regret? Well…it’s a complex task and better be left in the palm of time to get resolved. Nevertheless, one thing which can certainly be done to pacify my mind and lost amities in this matter is Forgiveness. Yes, I think ,that at least is in my sentry, but again it depends on the other person if he/she is willing to forgive me for the very matter which never occurred out of my will and wish but unfortunately ended with sour effect.

Here, I recall one incident which could have helped me to take the first step towards such attempt. During my last year trip to Ahmedabad in January, I learnt about one dissimilar restaurant from my brother .It was following a beautiful method of serving humanity. Volunteers would give their name in advance for each day to provide service ranging from cooking, serving food, cleaning the place, and arranging for one or more variety of cuisine on their expense for a day. Restaurant served around 100 people every day in the evening on first come first serve basis. And the best part was, they did not compulsorily charged their customers for the food provided, only imparted the bill and then it was visitor’s free will to pay whatever he wants or rather pay nothing. I quite liked the theme but doubted about the hygiene and ambience of the place. But when I visited it myself, I was quite amazed to see the clean spread out with ethnic furniture and people of all ages serving customers with delight. We had delicious mix of different food and love served along with. While we were waiting for the change of the big note I paid, one boy arrived with few postcards and pen and gave it to us. He further told us if we had had any tiffs or quarrels with any friend, loved ones in the past which ended in no- negotiation state, then those post-cards could help us. We had to write the address of the person whom we wanted to send the apology and write few words on the post-card, where anonymity of the sender was also given as a choice in case sender was not comfortable with revealing the identity but still wanted to say sorry. I truly liked the idea and immediately took one postcard and a pen, only to get stuck with ambiguity the next very moment. Though names of those few people flashed my mind, whom I thought I had treated with prejudice, but perhaps, I had not the guts then to be so honest to myself in the first place and then to them, or rather, my conscience again questioned me if I was actually ever immoral in those matters. That squabble of my empathy and intellect ended up with pen and the empty post card being put back on the table.
Even today, I often think on the same grounds and feel like mending the broken hubs, if not by anything else affordably from this life, but at least with an unadulterated wholehearted SORRY!

(53) की जाना पड़ा

ना चली हवा
ना मिला पता
ढूंढे मकाँ
ना मीला नीशां

कदम बढे
चलते रहे
फिर भी रहा
रूका कारवां

कुछ था कहीं
जो राहों की डोर
थाम कर कहे
अभी न जा

मंजील मगर
देके सदा
पुकारे थी यूँ
की जाना पड़ा

(52) आबे ज़र

तेरे अबसार से बेह्तें, इस आबे ज़र को रोक

न कर आबरू बाखत , गिराकर ज़मीन पे

गिराना है तो बूँदें , मेरे होठों पे गिरा

मिल जाए दिल को ठँडक , बढ़कर नसी॰म से

अबसार-eyes

आबे ज़र -gold water

आबरू बाखत-insulted

नसी॰म-cool breeze

(51) LIFE IS AN ORDEAL.....PASS IT TO WIN IT.

Sustaining the marbles on the unguarded palm
While maintaining the feet on the railway tracks
Safeguarding oneself from confronting the train
And balancing all of above while moving ahead..............THAT'S LIFE!!

(50)FASTING...!! AND OTHER THINGS

This year marks the completion of ten years of so many good and bad things occurred in my life.Also, reminders of each and every thing came so timely and in unique ways, I am feeling glad that I still have with me the treasure of the heartfelt memories in my mind.

Almost ten years back, when I was schooling, my grandfather’s mother had come home from Delhi.I was a complete Tom-boy types then. Besides showing her disliking about my short hair,boy’s kind of attires and no earings, she also hated my less interest in traditions and religious customs.She asked my grandmother to make me observe fast during Navratris.Very unwillingly, I did so and fainted in the tution class the same afternoon, first day of the nine fasting days and did not continue it any further.I clearly remember, whenever I had observed fast unwillingly before and after that episode, I always had a problem to pull it till the day end, whereas otherwise I could stay fit for almost throughout the day without food many a times. May be ,it was very psychological. Any task which I didn’t take interest in or rather believe in, I could never perform it satisfactorily and same is the matter with me till date.

Next month,one more day of fasting arrived. This was Karva Chauth for which married female observes fast for their husbands.But my great grandmother wanted me to perform this as well because in their custom, unmarried girls too performed it to get a good husband.I did so but this time, matter was little different.I was excited to test the God if he really granted such lavish boons in lieu of hunger strike of just a single day.I haven’t yet forgotten my first keenly kept fast which gave me the experience of being left on the forbidden world without food and water for several hours. Late afternoon, my grandmother narrated the story depicting importance and cause of celebrating that day to me, both my aunts and few other ladies from the neighborhood. After that we were allowed to drink water, tea/coffee for once and then wait until moon appears in the sky. I took a glass of water and then joined my aunts in the coming of the moon.Very late, moon arrived in the sky. All ladies of the house went on the terrace with sweet, water and the rice grains which were held in the fist while listening to the story in the afternoon. I could see all the visible terraces shining with decked ladies celebrating the arrival of moon. Then came the most important part of the show. Offering prayer, sweets, water, rice grain to the moon and then taking blessings from the husband.
My aunts did respectively, but I got bemused in midst of the fantasized illusions and ongoing reality and did exactly what a teenage girl roving in the land of fantasies could have done. With complete faith in God, I prayed I may get the best even if it didn’t complied with the caprices. All of us then went down and had our dinner. My grandmother served food to all of us and she had it in the last as she usually did.
Though I liked the whole process, but one thing which I didn’t like was women touching husband’s feet for seeking blessing. Infact, I never liked that since I was child. I understand its all about custom, but why such custom, I mean who made them,God never sent such commandments to the earth?.And if someone say its written in our religious books, then I ask,who wrote them? We…someone from our ancestors, right?I remember very well, whenever I used to debate for such things,except for my parents, one or the other person from the widespread family would certainly give me back. They will try to convince me that women are there to take care of men and the family.whatever they study, they do, at the end of the day, they have to see the kitchen. I agree, but then she also should have the right to do things as per her choice.I mean, why she should be bound to be following her father,brother,husband, a man in particular, always. It should completely be her choice how she wants to greet someone, or how she wants to seek blessings or rather do it not.What relation she wants to continue dealing with and how she wants to do it?. Why women only? This was one question which always haunted me and it still does many a times.Though not for myself so much, but I certainly feel bad and helpless for crores of other women who blindly give in the long followed traditions and learn to live life forgetting themselves. Ohhh…I again became emotional and lost the track of what I was saying…but what to do? I really feel like starting a revolution for women all over the world.

Well… I was talking about the fasting thing .I observe fast every year for karva chauth anticipating good. But now I have the more agreeable reason to do so and that is love of my husband.

I am not questioning or doubting God about it, but I really don’t know how far is it true and affecting the lives of husbands as narrated by the story. They say, women observes this fast for long lives of their husbands. Since married and following this fast, I don’t remember if I had prayed for anything else than the well being and prosperous life of my husband. And I know I could perform it successfully all these years only because of my faith in it and I am sure I will be the same always.I do not readily do something which I don’t have faith in,, except for the times when my mind forces me to do so for other’s happiness and mutual harmony.And yes…my question Why Women only? ,have started becoming less active in my matters ,especially on Karva chauht every year because Dheeraj too observes the same fast for me. And also he doesn’t want me to touch his feet for blessing, if I do so , he does same back to me.He rather prefers to hug me and then dine with me in the same dish.Lovely!!..isnt it.I know…I immensely love it.
I always believed whatever happens, happens for good.And God never misses the opportunity to make me realize the same over and over again.I never knew Dheeraj until we met three months before our wedding, but I always knew that I would have a wonderful life partner and so do I. I assume, though done over years for the concreting of the castles in the sky, my prayers are paid back in the form of a gratifying reality.

Tomorrow, on yet another karva chauth instance, I would indubitably thank God for all magnificent consents he bestowed me with.

(49) ARROGANT SOUL

I am an arrogant man, they say
And accuses me of insensibility
What should I do or rather undo
To prove to them, my creditability


They say, I don’t care how others feel
And let go off the matter if not fruitful to me
I bother not the least, to see the other side
If my side of coin appears truthful to me

Am I really a person ,with soaring blatant ego?
Does my sense of concern, never comes to fore?
You tell me, what your experience with me says
Did it never find in me, a man with childish core?

(48) DESERVED WORTH

Anything, whatsoever, succeeds more chances of getting its deserved exposure and value,
Only if its creator himself, shows some interest in it in the first place.Otherwise, whatever amount of charm would have been added to that matter,It fails to convince the observer’s eye of the fact, that life in some form, exist in it too.

(47) एक शेर

ना तो तुम कहती ही हों

इसका तो मैं आदि हूँ !


मिजाज़ अच्छा है तुम्हारा,


फिरसे कोशिश कर देखूं !


शायद हसी हसी में ही,


गलती से तुम हाँ कहदो !


इसी भरम से आज दोबारा,


प्यार की आजमाइश कर देखूं !

(46) क्या कहू..!!

मुझसे मेरे अतीत का,यूँ न मांगो हिसाब तुम
तिनका तिनका हर पल मैंने , जिया है तुम्हारी यादों मैं
लम्हों के दोराहों पर, खड़ा रहा मैं बरसो तक
जुटा रहा मैं पुरा करने, तुमसे अनकहे वादों में

तुम शायद मुझे भूल गई थी, मुझसे जुदा होने के बाद
मेरा हर ख्वाब पनपा है, तुमसे मिलने के इरादों में
तुम खुश हो अपनी दुनिया में,खुश रहना मेरी दुआ है ये

पर न करना शामिल मुझे,अब से तुम आबादों में

(45) ROMANCE WITH MYSELF

Today is the last day of Navratri. And as usual, all nine days I missed Gujarat and its Garba so much.Dheeraj tried a lot during these days to arrange for me to attend atleast one day of Navratri but he couldn’t spare time out of his busy schedule.However, he told me this morning that he will buy the passes today and w’ll be going for the Garba tonite .I was so excited and also managed to convince two other friend-families to join us.All agreed and looked forward to meeting and heading for Dandiya Raas.But…..u know…I don’t get anything so easily.While it was the time to get ready and move out, it started raining very heavily.It turned dark all around and rains poured in like hell alongwith the sms’es from all of us to each other with an idea of dropping out the plan.Had I any choice but to agree with them? Sad!!!…..I looked out of the window and then moved out to the balcony to see the beauty spread by rain.My Lord….it was magnificent!! And it did not took me much time to get the mood changed.I rushed on to the top of the building on the wide-spread terrace. Last week, it had rained similar, but by the time I had reached on the terrace after convincing my friend to hang up the phone and good conversation, rains had reduced its intensity.

Well…I did not miss the opportunity today. Got drenched in the natural shower amidst the cool breeze and soothing fragrance of the wet soil spread in the air. It was a beautiful experience I had after a long gap of almost 3-4 years. Earlier, I never missed on yarning with the emancipating encounters with this gift of nature. I always loved rains and getting engulfed with it.I remember enjoying this kind of downpours with different people at different places. Sometimes it had been my aunt,my cousins and sometimes my friends, room mates, and colleagues as well. It used to be real fun.
But today, I was alone….bathing in the hard hitting waters while roaming on the stretched bay and viewing the outlook of the city from the height. Lights illuminating the silky roads and the full-brimmed Hussain-Sagar lake visible from end to end, city embracing the spell of rain with open arms and surroundings getting wild and intense in mood with effect of the deluge from the sky. All these arousing my sense of indulgence and feeling of getting guarded. Though I wished my darling busy husband should have been with me then, but yet I enjoyed the very different feel of romancing with my own self in the stirring rainfall mixed with the aroma of all sweet caprices and the intensifying flights of imaginations. No doubt, I believe such endowments of nature are better pleasured with someone around, somehow I felt it is truly worthwhile at times to let yourself get evolved within your own and enjoy the amalgamation of your soul with yourself.