(7) MY FIRST LOVE

Its been ten years since I fell in love with someone,for the first time. My world changed altogether.Life seemed so beautiful,meaningful and fascinating.I believed I had got the globe in my fist.I had never been in such an intense emotional involvement with anyone before.I began to live in fantasies.I admired my beloved so much that no-one else around appealed to me the least.I was living the best phase of my life with this someone in my verve.Despite the fact that I could barely take out much time to spend with my love ,that person remained with me every where I went and in everything I did.That celebrity of my life was so distinctive, so exquisite, so charismatic,one who conveyed the most alluring persona around,portraited the best form of human being,was the centre of attraction for all,was very divine,depicted the vivacious precursor of love through the converse, assured lasting accqaintance through the endeavors and demonstrated generosity towards everyone and in every task executed.I could give anything in trade to be with this effervescent individual right through whole life.
However, life, as they say, rotates on a wheel which meanders to good and bad likewise.So now it was my turn to bite the bullet.I encounterd a big attainment failure in my life which not only shattered my mental,physical potential but also ruined my entire emotive potency together with executing my world of whimsies.My life came to a stand still for quite some time until I got a further way to pull off the so called achievements to compete and withstand humanity.Perhaps by then,my love life had been eyed upon by the evil spirits and we lost each other for almost an eternity.
I got busy with studies,then career and making life socially better.But never for a day I forgot my someone and yearned for the same at all times.I strived very tough to get my love back, although it did not give any fruitful outcome.At length I dropped the hope,save for,never gave up doting this individaul.
3 years back,I got happily married and have a beautiful family.The best part is my little angel daughter.Nothing is imperfect anymore but nonetheless something always pinches me and jog my memory to miss that one without which am though living but not inclusive.
Above everything is God and HE is not so prejudiced. I have begun to pass by this person quite often in recent times and now I feel I have acquired my beloved all over again and this time its forever and ever.I have possessed this person so deep in my soul and my existence that even if I loose my physical hold on my adored,I’ll never loose for real.I might in life again face this loss of one being,but I utterly don’t want to loose on love involved in this relationship and I hope the resurgene of my love's homecoming resumes after each atrocious loss.
I am gratified to God for bringing this person into my life, if not, I would have never understood many facades of life in their real conduct, I wouldn’t have learnt to be hopeful,to commend and value what we have rather than to snivel and grumble about what is gone and will not be there.
Where did I come across this person lately?Few days back when I examined rather than looking at, myself, in the mirror.Yes,that love of my life is myself.I used to be a very aspiring,optimistic,self doer kind of person but owing to circumstances and lost of faith in myself I had naively slaughtered myself.I always wanted to bring back my oldbeing to life which eventually happened and am very happy for it.But love for my own self should not be mistaken for selfishness because that’s the last quality I would ever possess .Am looking forward to fulfill all my dreams with positive approach and enthusiasm to live life at its best and keep my love intact throughout this life and lives thenafter.

(6) I ACT BAD THOUGH AM NOT!!

Time and again,I prove it to myself that am a very bad human being.Call it my short temperdness,impatience,anguish,tension,negative feelings or the repercussions I bring about due to these bad qualities/of mine and the relative circumstances.All this add to my reasons for self guilty.
I usually work on my laptop keeping it on its fixed table accompanied with comfortable chair.But today(26thJune’08) due to my backache, I preferred sitting on my bed to do my work.I rested my back on a pillow supported to the wall to which the bed is kept attached and kept the laptop on other pillow laid on my laps.As soon as I started my work, my daughter Charvi began to interrupt me by either touching the keyboard or pulling the pillow out and all such things.While I was trying to persuade her to stay calm,I received a phone call and meanwhile I concluded the call she had already done some damage to my laptop.I lost my temper completely and shouted at her at the top of my voice,bet her callously,shook her badly with both my hands not paying attention to her nonstop gushing tears and heart wrenching cries.She was completely terrified.When I had done blowing out all my anger onto her,I calmed down.She was still sobbing hesitatingly as I had commanded her not to cry.In her tattered words she said she wanted to go to the toilet.when I helped her remove her pants , I realized how brutal mother I had been to her few minutes ago.I felt sorry for her and when she was done with her toilet she came to me and asked if she could sit on my lap.I took her in my arms,hugged her tight and made her sit where she wanted.I moved my hand on her back and hips where I had slapped her to feel the lumps formed by my hard hitting hands.I asked her who bet her and why to which her truthful innocence poured out and she said mamma bet me because I broke her laptop and then she assured me that she wont do it again.I told her I was sorry for what I did and she said in her childish voice,’’its okay mamma” in the same way as we tell her when she says sorry for something wrong she does.But the big difference here was,often when we grown ups say ‘its okay’,we tend to make the other person feel obliged, but when she said ‘its okay’..it was absolute forgiveness,forgiveness for the heinous act I did to her only sometime back.Nothing else could have put me to more shame and pity for self as the act of my child pardoning me so easily, did.
I thought about it, which I have done so earlier too,so many times,about my being so bad to such a little wonder of God,my innocent daughter and persistently I have come to a conclusion that it is most likely the outcome of many hitches mixed together.My personal inadequacies like short temperdness,lonliness,inferiority due to non-continuance of my career,my high expectations of perfection from my child,physical fatigue due to running around behind her throughout the day and trying to keep the house intact as per my liking(which though is not possible when there’s a little child in it with her father alike) and most importantly lack of some time for self ,does possibly act as the main cause of my rage and fury.But then is she to be blamed for everything.No..precisely not..because it was our decision to bring her to existence so then its our duty to impart her all she needs, most importantly the time.And honestly I tried to work upon myself so much so to get accommodated to this permanent change of life and to a great extent I have succeded even, but then I don’t know what happens to me at times,I feel stretched and so I burst out like this and to confess candidly I have done so earlier also few times which I know is very bad. though it has never been worse like today. I have promised myself so many times not to repeat such things,but I fail,I fail always.What should I do?And again today,I have put myself to a test of life,a promise I have made to myself to prove that I am not as bad as I think I am and this I can do only by controlling myself and judging the situations purely on its occurrence and thus acting rightfully as required.
All the time when I was writing this, she was lying by my side on the bed putting her hand on my stomach and looking straight into my face.Whenever I looked at her and gave her a smile,she asked me to continue my work and that she will sleep on her own.Just imagine a girl who is not even two years old,where does she exhibits such wisdom from.She is indeed a true picture of god as often said by my mother in law.I pray to God to impart me a bit of this wisdom and not be a foolish to do such things again.You know,whenever I beat her or scold her,I feel very bad afterwards,I feel like crying and punishing myself.I cannot even see her dad scolding her yet in the lightest tone of voice.But then how can I be so rude??
I wish and hope I take care to be less impatient while dealing with her who is the best gift of my life.She is the one who made me understand so many things in the better form.

(5) MY MOST PAMPERED PERSON

19th June’08
First thing I did this morning was to call my younger brother,today being his birthday.Unchanged harmonious childlike voice responded my call thanking me in the familiar beautiful tone for his birthday wishes.When I enquired his birthday plans, he told me about the four parties lined up throughout the day.Being the predictable concerned elder sister,I further questioned him regarding the finance required thereof to which he responded in his cool sporty approach and asked me not to worry about that as same would be administered by himself. Behesting him good day I hung up the call and got busy with my morning chores.But before that I did ask my sister to give him money on my behalf.
I tried to get some rest laying down on the lazy bean bag in the afternoon when I tripped into the reflection of my childhood days.Not straining much on recalling my incidents I rather prefered to summon up my brother’s life progress .It appeared like a filmstrip being played in my mind.I called back my brother rising up up from a child to a young gentleman.He was a flabby,very fair, appealing baby in his first 5 years,though he never lost his striking façade till date.He used to be the most adorable in our family and amongst others owing to his sweet persona and being the youngest in the folks.I remember very sharply that he never happily stayed away from my mother even for a single day till he was 17 ,however he is even now a mother’s boy.Everyone use to tease him for his yearning for mother conceal.
I did not stay much with my parents and siblings as I had moved to my maternal grandparent’s house in another city when I was 13.I used to visit my family every year during summer vacation and I can surely discern that I never missed anybody else so much as I did miss my sweet boy whom we call Munna at home.Each visit added my sweet time memories passed with my family and wih my brother.I used to play with him fairly like his same-age friends besides the 7 years age difference between us.I can yet call to mind his timid face he used to hide with both his hands to save himself from my teeth marks.I used to run behind him like a cat and once caught hold,I would bite him hard on both his cheeks and then laugh at his cry which was accompanied by his worries to deal with his friends with queries about the marks.After all, my boy was maturing.
When he was in 12th class and I was posted in a far off city for my job,I received his call one day whining about my mom who was not allowing her for a 10 day school trip to Goa and he asked me to persuade her which was next to impossible.Though I also knew it was not very wise to compromise such a long time of his studies,but somehow I again gave up to my protective love towards him which always facilitates his demands.I requested my mom a lot but in vain.At last she settled but warned me against mollycoddling him and said she wouldn’t give a single penny to him for this trip.I agreed to pay for his expenditure and so did I He called me on his coming back and the words he used to thank me were heart stirring.He also said he was very grateful to me for letting him experience the best era of his life until then.I felt very conceited to be an amorous sister.
Past few days he again called me to convince my mom to allow him get my two wheeler from my grand parent’s house where I left it as I did not need it in the city I was placed; my abode being at walk able expanse from my office.My mom wanted him to carry on riding his bicycle to school and tuitions both being in 2 kilometers radius along with her worry that he would spend his saved time with friends as he always had a fortune of buddies.But I don’t know what ensues me and my acumen when on earth I arbiter his demands.I survived to get him my scooty over there.But this did not end here and I kept on authorizing his requisites to all probable levels.Perhaps I realize and deem he is the only one till now whom I most coddle,protect and lavish care on and feel like spoiling with all my love .
I am married for 3 years now and have got to see home almost 7 times during this course.But I don’t see our relationship getting any indolent.Though he has grown up physically,mentally,socially and emotionally but for me he enacts the same small kid and I too response him like I did years back.All others in the family has indicated and advised me atleast once in these years to change my attitude towards him,be more austere rather than indulgent and trust me I tried as well.I have been very harsh too him so many times.Infact on my first visit home eight months after my wedding, I went on to slap him to end up a very agitated conversation between us which resulted due to my questioning him sternly owing to the hundreds of complaints for his behaviour,demands,attitude from other members in the family.I repented my action all the more when he responded to my daft deed with a delightful smile and good morning wish next day.
He is distinctive,uncommon and different from everyone else in the family and I always acquired the feeling that I know him better than anyone else and may be its true to a greater extent as he is also most compatible with me.His lovable and candid peripheral appearance is just one quality to his individuality.He has grown up into a mature man.He speaks big strategies,he worries about his elder brothers academic decisions ,he discusses family financials,he advices for his sister’s alliance, he gives me innovative idea to bring up my little one…Ooo… Ooo…he is so grown up….he genuinely is!!.
It seems like a dream..he has turned 21 today,just cant believe.21years old,my toy boy has become a man..man of words,responsibilities and enormous potential.He graduated this year alongwith clearing his CS intern.He joined his articleship last month and today when I called to wish him he told me he received his first stipend and he wants to buy me something from that money.I was moved by his words.I could hardly speak but then I requested him to give that money(which he want to spend on me) to mom to which he told that it was already in plan but he wanted me also to buy something.I agreed and asked him to gift me a book of my choice as for me a book is the best gift one can ever present me.
Though I still entertain some grievances against his childlike,adamant and rude (sometimes) behaviour,but I know for sure( and others too) deep in my heart that he is uniquely good and is sure to go a long long way.. and places ofcourse.I wish the very best of the world always to him on behalf of everyone of the family and those who know him because everyone loves him and why would they not…he is such a sweetheart.
I WISH HIM MANY MANY HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL RETURNS OF THIS DAY .

(4) IT'S ALL ABOUT FAITH

Last Thursday,I had to do some shopping and then visit the Sai baba temple.Weather was not very welcoming and it was raining at irregular intervals since morning.At four in the evening,it took another break and stopped pouring in.I thought it was the right time to start if I wanted to be back home before it was too dark.I dressed my daughter in a full sleeves t-shirt and long pants with a jacket as it was cold outside. Through our traverse in a rented auto towards the marketplace, I saw water blocked at many places and roads flooded with dirty water making it intricate for the striders to move with ease. Budging through the water slide we reached the variety store and by the time I had done my shopping,it had started drizzling yet again.I could not wait for long behind the transparent glass door of the building from where my daughter enjoyed watching rain,as I had to visit the temple and be back home in time.When the frequency of the rain dwindled,we stepped out and awaited some transportation for agreeable time but it was futile.We started walking by the roadside and I tried to stop every unfilled auto which passed by from there.Some of them did not agree to go to the temple as it was located in a traffic prone area and some asked for three times the fare.I was not willing to compromise with my values by paying whatever they demanded as it was ethically improper.I was in in quandary situation and didn’t know what to do.To renounce and comfort my daughter who had supported me a good deal by mutely walking with me almost half a kilometer although she was by now partly drenched by the petite drops still plunging OR to stick to my values and keep marching until I found one truthful rickshaw wala.The second thought was to go back home without visiting the temple but I was reluctant to do that either as I had never been to that temple during my entire stay of last two years into Hyderabad and I was trying hard to visit the same since I had return from my holiday to Ahmedabad where I transpired to spot Sai baba almost everyday in a row in last week of my stay over there through uncommon means and thought it was some insinuation of Lord to me and hence past any difficulties I wanted to yield sight of Sai baba this Thursday though am not a frequent temple visitor.I looked at this trouble to be an ordeal from Lord to investigate my faith in HIM and thus I kept strolling in conjunction with my conversation to GOD that I will surely visit him today.And the next moment an auto came to a stand still by our side and the lady passenger from within tendered us a lift upto the main road which connected the temple to hardly a 3 minutes run street.Trouncing my preliminary indecision I entered in along with my daughter.While thanking that lady I realized she was the one who was walking along with us since last 20 minutes and was herself too, in search of an auto.I felt she was God sent and thanked god for that.
Intersecting the massive traffic, we reached the main road junction in some 15 minutes and while perching down on the stairway of the a petrol bunk where autorickshaw came to a halt, when I asked the driver how much I had to pay him,that lady interrupted us and replied with a smile that I had to pay nothing as she had given us a lift in her hired auto.I thanked her again and eagerly sloped my eyes in all directions to search for another auto which could take us to temple as it had again started raining thickly.Within few seconds there came an auto from which the passenger alighted and I rushed towards it and asked the driver if he could take us to the Saibaba temple.His disinclined facial expression showed he was not interested but then he thought a bit for a flash(maybe that he was denying a disciple to get to her Lord or may be something else) and suddenly his reaction altered to nodding for yes.I could easily pick out that he did so on humanity grounds and in name of god.I thanked him while grounding and gave him his fare.
We were just in time for aarti and there was a long queue for darshan,but again gratitudes to the God, nobody turned hostile when we entered in without following the queue as I was completely exhausted besides being wet and so was my little one.We located some space to sit and calm down before aarti which began subsequently in following 10 minutes.It was very fulfilling sensation to be a part of that half an hour pooja procession.I felt very peaceful and lighten up within.I apprehended the common conviction about faith. Because I had faith in him and desire to witness him, he organized the means to make it viable.If I would have had doubts in mind about him as I earlier had sometimes,am sure this time too it would not have been possible for me to pay a visit to him.
We left the temple and once more I had to look for an auto in midst of the heftily downpouring rain.By now my 1 year 10 months old daughter was utterly fatigued and was not ready to walk a single step.She insisted me to clutch-cart her which I did with lot of pain as even I was badly tired.I kept walking but could not find a single auto to go back home.God came in disguise of a college boy who was walking behind us ,he came to the fore and offered me a help to lift my daughter up to the road end.i approved of the requisite help and we walked near the road end from where the boy took a left way and we waited there again to get some transportation.Drained by the effort to stop every bare auto,erroneously I waved hand to an auto which was already having a passenger,but the lady from inside waved back her hand to me and asked the driver to stop.We were given a lift upto my husband’s office which was on the same route she was traveling.I could not offer her anything else but a very warm wholly thank and blessings.My husband drove us all back home and I recounted the complete episode to him and acknowledged the conquest of FAITH over every other thing.

(3) A BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCE

It was a small muddy narrow road with no charcoal laid on it and covered with green top made by the trees on its either sides. I was walking at the least stride along with this handsome on my side dressed in his own best style and whom I admired the most in my school days.He was looking his finest in a pair of denim pants,white lining shirt peeping out of the blue denim short jacket which had a black cloth slit at the back and the sleeves cuff folded at the wrist, decent casual shoes,and all this escorted with his perpetual charming smile and that killing look of his majestic eyes.Passing through this leafy garden of my first school campus,we reached the open ground where around hundred more people(students) were assembled.Girls in the first row and boys in the following .There were two male and two female instructors to guide us all throughout the trip which was about to start to some hilly jungle zone for trekking purpose .As both of us approached them, girls started gazing us with questions in their eyes to verify if there was something like a matter going on between us. I looked back at them strangely and then turned to smile at him who was just a little behind me and then we both joined ourselves in the respective queues. And all this was being watched from the window by our school principal whose office was exactly behind the lines formed.
Few minutes passed by and we started our trip in two different buses. Boys in the first bus and girls in the subsequent.It was a 2 by 2 non ac bus and I had nobody sitting besides me. We entered the rain forest after traveling for some 5 hours and it was green all around. Seemed it had rained heavily the previous night. Bus was moving at a very slow speed due to the kachha filthy road. I was looking out of the window in a very nostalgic mood when suddenly I realized that one of my classmates who was in the former bus was observing me persistently through the back glass of his bus while sitting in the last seat.And he could see me easily as I was in the first row of the bus and both buses were made with some transparent fiber body.I became a bit conscious by being watched so vehemently and felt uncomfortable for quite some time.
Within next 20 minutes, we reached a place where there were big stones lying on the road and they had to be allofed to move further.Few people got down and initiated the help.I again began to admire the beauty of nature and while gently sloping my eyes through the jungle, I saw a huge dam like water body which had massive waters running through it.I have always had some fear with the the deep waters and same feeling I sensed to see that giant water blockade .I tried to study it more deeply when I saw two boys who were trying to get down through the wall to get into the waters .One of them lost his balance and fell into it only to reach the depth of some 20-30 feet beneath and as the water was crystal clear I could see him struggling for life to come up.Past the frequent tries he made,he succeeded to reach on the crown level .I skipped my heart beats to see all this but was relived at last when he saved himself.I moved my eyes away from that scene because I had not enough strength to see something like this any more in case that boy encountered such misfortune again. But I prayed for his safety.
Stones were removed and we advanced our journey.It was one more hour to travel through that deep jungle and there we reached our destination, a big building which was hired for our accomodation.We were given our rooms and were asked to be ready early next morning to start our trekking. We all were badly tired and could hardly see anything else but bed.Two of us including me did not join others for dinner and laid down in the bed to get some rest.Hardly 5 minutes passed by and there was a knock on the door.The other girl opened the door to see two boys of our class asking for me. I overheard their loud conversation and went there myself to check what the matter was.Amongst those two I recognized the one with less height,silky hair, dovy eyes and face shining with his beautiful smile.He was the guy who admired me a lot and had asked me earlier to befriend him.He told me he was sorry if he had hurt me by proposing infront of all his friends and said he understood why I refused him.He also assured of a friendly behavior ahead owing to my liking towards someone else.I simply nodded my head to accept his apology. They left and I returned to fast sleep only to wake up next morning.Somehow I did not feel like joining the group again for the early hour trekking and I made some silly excuse to stay back.When others had left ,I went to the terrace of the building which was connected to other constructions in a stepladder manner making it doable for one to reach the last structure roof in procession.I started walking down the top of each building until I reached the last roof which sheltered a very old house.Sun had risen by then.It was a beautiful morning with birds chirping all around,sun spreading its rays on every single thing on the earth, passing by river reflecting with sun rays, people chanting their morning prayers.It felt I could see the whole world from the top of that house.I stood there for a long time, bathing in the cool breeze with my eyes shut, smelling the fragrance of the nature and lost in some beautiful thoughts of love, life and admiring my ownself.While I was enjoying this enthralling encounter of my life, I was disturbed by the vibrator of the mobile I was holding in my hand.I pushed the answering button to see who was at the other end. It was my aunt who had call to enquire about the colossal toy my husband had recently brought from USA for my 1 year 10 months old daughter who was now awake and was crying loud for her bottle of milk and to make me realize that I was not on some trekking trip but on a voyage to some dreamland which was perhaps exhibiting different phases of my own life and emotions within.
It was indeed a beautiful experience to live that DREAM.

(2) MEDIUM OF GOD

I proved myself wrong by defeating the thought I perceived that language can be a big barrier to communicate if not understood at both end.We shifted to a new house three months back and I had to appoint a new maid servant.I came across many women who came to know about my search and represented themselves the best suitable for the job,but somehow i could not zeroupon any of them until one day this lady who could neither speak nor understand my language came to me for the same purpose accompanied by her relative who acted as an interprator.Though I was not ready to accept their proposal,reason being mutual at both ends..mine and hers..language problem,but when i looked into her begging eyes(the one who wanted the job) alongwith her body language going parallel to her words,i felt i could understand how badly she needed some earnings and thus I agreed.She started coming to do the house chores from the very first day of the following month which was hardly a week away.Initially I faced hell lot of problems to explain the task to be done to her and as well happened with her to understand the same,but we continued our association and gradually we both got adapted to our ability of understanding each other's alien language with the help of our gestures and signs.This went on for almost a month and then one day she told me in her own peculiar way to explain with waving hands in different direction sas if she was trying to draw the scenario for me..that she got one more house to do the job and she might have to come to my place little late every day.I okayed it thinking it was good for her to earn more money and serve her family.Only a few days passed with the said schedule and she started making it late and more late day by day.At last when I lost my patience over adjusting things,I asked her to do her job till the month end and then leave for better as she used to get more wages in the other house and I didnt wanted her to leave that just to accomodate my requirement.She pleaded me not to take such a decision and assured me her punctuality from the next day.Well..she did as she said but that too for only few days as it was practically not possible to be at two places at the same time especially when none of the employers(the other lady and myself) were ready to compromise on the timings.So I had to repeat myself about my decision to her.She kept mum for a moment and then turned her face towards me,eyes filled with tears,hands folded,throat seemed to be choaked with some plight,she began to speak in her own language(again greek to me) with her usual hands drawing something in the space between us ,eyes supporting her words and some other medium which was absolutely not seen seemed to conversate every bit she said to me in such a lucid form that I could understand every word of hers.When she had done telling me everything starting from her jobless husband harassing her,debtors making her life miserable,and her two years old daughter whom she hardly fed regularly and who often fell victim to every small diseases,she broke down and started weeping,and fell into my feet begging for her job,pleading me not to appoint someone else.I could not help but cry myself with her beacause this was the first time when i could understand every word she said though till today I dont understand her language.Then how could I?As i said earlier ,there was some invisible unsaid medium which made that possible, medium of humanity,of love,of concern and ofcourse medium of God.

Her relative who had helped her get the job here came to me yesterday and was telling me how thankful my maid was towards me for my behaviour with her,my kindness,my understanding and sympathy towards her.And then she left giving blessings to my family herself and on my maid's behalf.My heart was filled with gratitude,though i thought i did not do something so great to be called kind and of same sort,but then i realised that it might be a small thing for me to compromise with my timings and allow her to continue working ..but for her it was like a boon which kept her earnings alive to continue serving her family better...She still works for me and it seems i feel neither the need to learn her language from the book i bought for the purpose nor do i want her to understand every word i speak to her,anymore.Things seems to have started falling in place without much of effort to put in as was required earlier.

I thank thee God for not letting me forget the lessons of humanity and making me smarter to learn HIS ways of understanding others.

(1) HI ALL

Sweet and sour memories,Soul stirring experiences,Few Mistakes,Ample lasting lessons,Interaction with variety of people,Friends to rely upon,Gift of unconditional love,Two failures,Many achievements,My wonderful family,Some unforgettable people,Loving fantasies and those impossible dreams........this is my life.And to keep the headlines of my life on record,I am blesssed with the ability to pen them down in the form of poems,short stories and write-ups.Though I believe strongly...its one life and has to be lived at its fullest.... I sometimes fail to follow the same.