(176)These days

I know, since long time, my posts just appeared to be so lifeless, a run through without soul in it.Perhaps, this is how the life is as of now, too busy to hold on to and too slow to meet the needs. Well, in the same breath, here's again a short run through.
Feels as if God has put me on some kind of testing spree, and is in no mood to get me over it. As i shared earlier, my tooth treatment is still on and wonder how long its gonna take to be done with it. Few days before diwali, i faced some engorgement problem, got fever with chills, and fainted flat on the floor at 2.30 in the night. Gained consciousness in some minutes, but got bad hurts on my face,hand,head, infact entire left side of the body got hurt.Doctor gave me some antibiotics, advised rest and suggested to see the neuro if the head spinning doesn't stop.i was too exhausted to do anything for Charvi in Diwali and also, a small puja for nishka was to be done in the same week. i went to my mom's place for a week, celebrated Diwali with my parents after almost 15-16 years, performed nishka's puja and came back to pune. though it was very fulfilling, but my in laws were not very happy about it, and some cross words created hurt feelings, i cried a lot during those days, but things got settled down when my in laws gave a surprise visit here.
ya,but the headache and the abdominal pain didn't wanted to leave me and hence i showed to the doc again. she took some sonography tests and said that my abdominal cavity as observed from the upper layer, seemed to be deeper than it should be and the muscles have become week and hence the pain and so the trouble with the lower back as well. she advised me to see the physiotherapist.oh lord...that was one more task added, i visited physio and she said, i need to see her everyday for half an hour or so for the exercises, which was so practically impossible for me. i asked for another option, and she said,i should visit her weekly, learn some exercises, practice them at home, do treadmill and cycling in gym, go for a walk, and show her the progress every week...believe me, i haven't seen her yet again..and the neuro was on week's holiday and hence that visit too, is still pending.god am so much trapped up with thousand things going around. In the meanwhile, the honey bee, living in the out-chamber of the AC in the balcony, came to visit me and gave a kiss on my elbow.Delicate Me, could not bear it, poison spread through the arm,it got badly swollen, i could not bend it, let it loose, or even carry its weight on me, so i had to see the doc again. omg..tablets again...
well...yeh to chalta hi rahega...as i said, god is testing me.

On the good notes...i earned a great hour of happiness in just 50 rupees. last sunday, i had gone to reliance mart to buy vegetables.while i was waiting my turn in the billing queue, i saw some curious kids staring at the chocolate stand. the little girl who must have been around 7 years asked her brother,around 10 years old to buy her the 10 rupee dairy milk. he said he could not buy her that as they were five of them in the group and he had only 10 rupees. i called them near and gave all of them one chocolate each. except that elder brother, all of them took it. he said, "no, we wont take, why are you giving it to us?" i said, "it's my birthday" he said, "no u are lying". i got little perplexed and said, "no, its my daughter's b'day'."he asked me again,"are u sure?". i said,"ya, please take it"..then he too took it, and all of them shook hands with me, and said thank you one by one.throughout the way, driving back home, i was thinking about those innocent glares at the chocolate, that dismay for not being able to buy them, and the self-worth denial to accept it from me, and at last those smiling faces and heartfelt thanks...i bet, 50 rupees and a small lie,just made my day.

(175)I thought

I thought,
I could not save you,
from me...

And so,
I let you,
Let you to be...

Someone,
I would not know,
Would not care for...

Someone,
Who would walk past me,
And therefore...

Straightened,
That which was tangled
In the oblivion...

Mollified,
That which was mounted
In love scion...

Craziness,
Hence called it off,
Once, it was high pitched..

Endurance,
That lived in liaison,
Poor thing, got ditched...

For good,
If anything occurred
That's the slice of smirk on you...

And better,
If you wanna reckon,
Brood over your heart, would you?

(174)Guilt Gyration

May be I choose not to,
May be I am scared.;
It’s hard to forgive one-self,
It’s tough to say I care!

Beyond the world of compulsions,
And over the thought of hatred;
There’s a clout besieging me,
Nothing less than sacred!

I confront on and off,
And still I revere the flow;
Flow of willful surrender
Chased by conflict though!

I do not know sometimes,
Why and where do I head;
Does every life keep going,
meager to earn the bread!

Resentful approach at times,
does pacify the abrasion;
But the very thought of forgiving,
Put back in guilty gyration!

(173) Revisiting

But for what I have written in the header of the blog page, I owe a responsibility towards my reader to update that I am alive. Lots and lots have been missed to be told, but somehow I feel less of my heart is helping me do that. Yet, let me try and word down what all I can, leaving rest to rest in the rust pan of my mind and memories.

Long back, I had written in one post, that if I have to be blessed with another child, it should be a daughter again, with a blend of Charvi and Nishi. Someone put me a comment and wished me luck to have my wishes fulfilled. It seems, the prayer were too genuine to be turned down by the almighty himself. I gave birth to a sweet angel on 12th of July, Though, since then, I have been struggling with one or other challenge, but the bare hugs of my kids help me live again whenever I loose hope in the thing called life.
I named her Nishka, which means honest, and pure as gold. She caught jaundice immediately after her birth, took two months to get cured. She is doing good now.
I contracted infections with almost all of my teeth, the treatment showed me hell. When I learnt to cope with that, another disease visited me for a while, somehow I fought it back, only to welcome conjunctivitis. Next was the pain of raw stitches, which again took long to get cured. Then visited the worst, so called postpartum depression, which I feel is still in no mood to leave me alone. However, good things kept surfacing every now and then, to help me survive the ups and downs. My brother came to see me first from my mom’s side. Then came my parents on my birthday. I was very very glad to see my father, who came to my home for the first time ever. Then came my younger brother on Rakhi, he stayed for three days and kept the mood of the house so alive. Charvi participated in various competitions during ganesh festival which was being celebrated in the society. She won some of them. She also brought home Ganesha for three days, it was a very good feeling to have such celebration at home. Again after few days, my mom came back for a fortnight to help me out, as I was alone with the kids. I spent good time with my mother, we talked for long hours and shared old memories.

Life taught me some unforgettable lessons during this three months through various means. Some good observations and some sad notifications.

Why do we all just want to run through the life and finish it off like a race, when we all know that the destination for all of us is the very same, sooner or later, we are all goona go to the same place.

Life treats people differently:-

*One of my uncle, who was calmly seated and lost in some work, was accidentally crushed down on his legs by his friend with a mishandled vehicle. He stayed in the hospital for two months and came home with just one leg, and that too with no faults of his…he was famous for his jovial nature and ferocious dancing abilities. I spoke to him several times to give him some moral support, and every time after I hung, I realized I did that, less to support him and more to support myself and uplift my spirit, thinking that he being in such pain is so strong, why can’t I handle the roughs of the time.

*Another friend informed me about her divorce, which she was forced upon.
*Three of my friends, left India to settle abroad

*My brother bought a new car, I am so happy for him.

* Two of my cousins got engaged, one is getting married in December and another in January…I so much look forward to go to Ahmedabad to attend the Jan wedding. I hope I do.I also have three other December wedding invitations from ahmedabad, it is so tempting to get to see my city by any means.

* One day when I called my mom and asked where my father was, she said he had gone to the veterinary hospital to show the cat who was not eating her meal since three days. Next day she told me, the cat was detected with cancer and my father was very upset about the same. That cat is my father’s adorable friend and she too loves my father the same way. Also, she is Charvi’s biggest attraction to go to my mom’s place. Doctor said, she won’t live for long, I don’t know how will charvi deal with this, when she will not find her on her next visit. I know my father too will miss her, but he will keep himself busy with his dogs, visiting cows, squirrels, sparrows and alike non human living beings, serving them.

*It rained today like it had never rained this season, hefty, crazy, mad, unstoppable…!!
Believe me, somehow it was so relieving to see something go crazy like this. It seemed limitless and free. I had taken charvi to a birthday party, and it started raining while we were still there. I tried to rush back home, but could not stop myself from being laid back and enjoying the drive, splashing the heavy rains….it was terrific.. I felt so immersed and happily lost..

*A confession…Often I make up my mind to write, what I strongly feel I should pour out, but don’t know what stops me from switching on my laptop….I simply give in to the resentful mind, and sit back with the thoughts getting dried up and hence I don’t update my blog.
May be , it’s a phase too..and perhaps, will pass by, as every facet of the life has..!!

(172) Fear

If I write what I had been thinking all this afternoon, it would take two more hours and several lengthy pages. But, i am completely exhausted at this moment.Tired physically, mentally and emotionally.
Almost lived three decades of my life and what do I see?..A flashback of innumerable unforgettable moments and people. Endless joys and achievements with a mixture of loses and pains. But, today sitting here, i feel it was all worth it. I know, i have complained endless times about endless things not going right in my life, but that's not true. God hasn't been that unfair to me. May be I expected more than I deserved. But now I know, we get what we deserve, what we earn through our deeds. No pain, no joy comes without the other side to it. So here, a very hearty acceptance to everything, good and bad, that has ever occurred in my life.
I had been always been adventurous with almost every aspect of my life. I urge to write so many beautiful, not so good and close to my heart events over here, but as i said, i am not left with anymore energy right now. So cutting it short, i just wanna say that i am happy with everything that i had, and i have.
You must be wondering why suddenly such a heart flow from my side. Seems, the stars have decide to melt the stone out of me. Last Few days had been real roller-coaster rides in all fields of life and what came today was the climax i believe.
No joy can exceed the pain of giving birth to your child. Charvi made me mother almost five years back. Many things changed into me as a person. To be a mother again is no less a challenge with thousand things on hand. My pregnancy this time too hasn't been a very fair ride. twice i was advised bed-rest, once i was checked for gestational diabetes, and today during a routine check-up, i was told that the thickness of my earlier C-section to the internal surface,appears to be no more than 4 mm, which is not only a risk to the baby but to the mother as well. Anytime rupture due to the pressure may prove fatal. I was suppose to wait for almost a month more before my baby came into this world but now the scenario has changed. Everything happened so sudden, i am unable to gather the series of incidents and wait to think what would happen?.. But one fear which remain constant throughout my pregnancy has gained momentum. I know, it is going to sound very foolish and self empathizing, but i need to write this over here, i need to share my fear. I had been telling everyone all this while that i am scared i may not survive the operation, i don't know why but i had been getting this strange feeling all the while. Even on the lighter note, i would tell my folks about all the things i want them to do when i die. I want them to serve ice-cream to every one who comes to give condolences. There are so many things i want people to do if i don't come back home.i know, you would say," you are not gonna die so soon"..i know that too..but still i am scared, i am scared within. I am not scared of dying as i always said. But i think, at the moment this fear has gained momentum because i am already a mother. i don't want to leave charvi alone. i know, her father and everyone else can take very good care of hers, but still i don't want to leave my child and go, not until she grows up enough to take care of herself. i am sure, all those who care for me, would take me to be a selfish person who is considering herself nothing else but a mother alone. i know, if i die, many others would feel bad. my parents, my siblings, my husband, my family, my friends and my well-wishers who wants me to be happy. i know they all care for me.i know everything you see, but still i don't know why i feel so pessimistic. i know, i should not bring negative thoughts at this moment.but am just being honest, i want to bring out this fear.
the doctor wanted me to get admitted by ten this evening, but i requested her to admit me tomorrow morning( well by now , i think it has already turned into today)..my mother will reach at 4 in the morning, my mom in law will reach next day.and i had been running here and there to finish off so many tasks before i bid a bye to my folks. oh god, i am so exhausted. it felt, as if life is very short and tasks endless. three and half more hours to go. they want me to be there at-least 4-5 hours previous to the operation. i hope, i win over my fear.First time, i was unknown to the procedure, and also i was given a general anesthesia, so it was easier to go through the brunt. but now, i know what they do in a c-section and to worsen my fear, the doctor said they wont give me a general anesthesia this time, they only give the spinal one. i was into tears when she said that. i told her, that the mere feeling of my finger going numb makes me nervous, then how will overcome the feeling of not feeling half of my body for long hours. she said, i will be able to cope with it. i hope, i do.
i told my sister last week, that things really don't go as i plan. it is so true that god's plans are above everyone's else's. i thought i had enough time to settle down and welcome my baby, but it seems stars has decided else. i can only hope and pray that i am there to hold my baby, and to see the joy on charvi's face when her long time wish is fulfilled. i don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow.if i am all well, i will get back soon to bother you with my posts and if my fear proves true and i don't, then i want to use this as an opportunity to thank almighty, my parents, family and every single person who made my life so special and meaningful, to give me more than i deserved,to love in abundance, to make me feel that i am important and to stand by my side whenever i needed support. May god bless all of you and keep you happy always.take care.

(171) On a date with you

On a date with you
In my mind today
I saw you content, I saw you relived

You seemed to be happy
Happy than ever
Wanted me to trust, I utterly believed

True Pride, and satisfaction
Towards life, your approach
I felt glad, and I prayed

Let remain, endless joy
Today and till the eternity
Let this smile never fade

Few passed by, many to come
Decades of your worthy life
Keep healthy and have fun

Bygones are, just bygones
To by passed by, in a wink
With doors shut, let them shun

Life so new, has commenced
Feel blessed, move on
Mighty love, to be read

Countless blessings, and wishes
Rendering from bottom of the heart
Stay very happy, ever ahead

(170) Rain

It's raining so fine, like the tamed shower
Feels like my eyes,emptied all the salt

No thrust was needed
No thoughts to ignite
Perhaps, after a pause
It rained for the right

Smoothest flow with the least of power
Brought all the anguish to some halt

Holding onto the arms of chair
My veins felt sort of numb
Had not it to occur someday?
Without any doubts, by 'rule of thumb'.

My mind, don't indulge much and feel clever
It's difficult to choose one of better faults.

(169) Moments

Moments bejeweled, with the beauty of silence;
What else could add to it,
than the music of your sneer!

Benign is every step, that tries to set apart;
It only adds to bring,
The soul-mates warmly near!

(168) Diamond Ring

My first diamond ring,
As a lovely gift I got;
I wore it for long,
And I loved it a lot..

Crisply curved thin band,
With three stones on it;
It adored my finger well,
Oh certainly it did!

Since morning I did check,
My finger hundred times;
I felt something was missing,
Fault was surely mine..

I had been so much used to,
Wearing it on my hand;
It became a part of me,
More than just a band..

However, it's not good,
To get so much engrossed;
Neither with man,nor mania,
All does melt like frosts..

I put it off my finger,
With some notion yesterday;
Let me see, how it feels,
Without it anyway...

(167) My parent's house

Yesterday was my brother’s birthday and today is my mom’s. My mother turned 51 years today. I had plans to celebrate her birthday with me in Pune, but she could not make it to come with me when I came back from Valsad. It was a very different experience during this stay over there. I did not roam around much, did not meet any relatives, stayed home almost all the time and had a good vacation. Charvi too, enjoyed a lot with her cousins.1^st June was my father’s birthday and he turned 54 years old that day. Somehow, plans to celebrate his birthday, like we did last year(entire family was present), could not be accomplished as well, because he came back from Delhi the same day and was totally tired. But we did small celebration at home. That was a fun too. That morning when I was talking to my grandmother and we were awaiting my father’s arrival, she told me about an incident which had occurred several years ago. My father was 16 years old then and it was his birthday. My grandfather got annoyed about something and slapped my father for the first time in his life. My father left home and went to Delhi to my grandfather’s elder brother’s house. My grandparents got worried and started searching for him everywhere. They were informed by their relatives in a week’s time(they had no phone). My grandfather immediately left for Delhi to bring my father back home. Meanwhile my father was asked by his uncle to go and bring his cousin home from her in-law’s living in some city in north. He was kidnapped by some goons on his way, and he realized this when he gained his consciousness back near Agra. He managed to fool them and escaped from their tangles. After all this adventure, he came back to Delhi and was brought back home to Valsad. My grandfather promised him that he will never hit him again. I could never imagine my father to be so rebellious. Well, several other small stories were shared by my grandmother.

             The house where my family lives as of now was bought by my father 23 years ago. On 18^th June 1988, we shifted into this house. It was an old architectural built up. We had bought it second hand. Earlier, my father had bought some fresh property but due to the large distance between our school and that house, he sold that off and decided to buy this one which was a fifteen minutes walk from our school, ten minutes walk from the station, and twenty minutes walk from the main market. I crisply remember the layout of this house as it was then. Wooden gate to the garden made the main entrance to the house. There was enough open area on all the four sides of the constructed living space. About nine large trees and lots of small plants, weeds and it was green everywhere. To recall, there were two mango trees, one curry leaves tree, one custard apple tree, one banyan tree, one tamarind tree, and papaya tree, one guava tree and one more, but I don’t remember that one. Main construction had about six rooms and two store room kinds on either sides of the house. As a kid, it seemed to be a large house then, though the one which we had left before moving in this, was also a big one with gardens on three sides of the house, servant quarters and lots of trees, but that was a government quarter given to my grandfather. Over the period of years, this house saw lot of changes in its basic structure. Except one mango tree and a custard apple tree, all other trees were chopped off to bring up more seven rooms which were rented out. Wooden fencing which separated our house from our neighbor’s, turned into a concrete wall. Neighbor family on our right hand side consisted of almost sixty members that time, it was a huge house and a big family. The great grandmother of that family was very fond of me, she use to call me Indira, referring to our late PM Mrs. Indira Gandhi. She would always be seated on the wooden bench kept outside her room in the garden and would often call my name through the wooden fencing and ask me to get her betel box from inside and help her do her pan(betel leaf). Her youngest son, whom we called Anna chacha, would always tease me and say that he would never have a baby girl because girls would turn out to be naughty like me. Once irritated by his repeated comments, I told him that he will have five daughters in his life. I never knew my words would turn out to be true. Five daughters were born to his wife and then he passed away. All his daughters are truly beautiful. I saw them all together for the first time during this stay.  I did not live much in this house as I went to live with my maternal grandparents in Ahmedabad for studies. My teenage began and ended in Ahmedabad. But I still have many beautiful memories attached to this house. My siblings, my cousins and friends, we all played lots of games in the compound of this house. This house has seen different times throughout. Lots of ups and downs, achievements, loses, ill-healths, accidents, celebrations, gatherings, good-byes, lazy days, awaken nights, birth( baby boy was born to a tenant twenty years back) and death( my grandfather passed away in 2008).

             My father is very fond of animals and mother is fond of trees. After being  chopped off initially, few other trees were planted over years. Until last year, among others, one coconut tree used to be the grace of the house, but this year, it was not there. Now, this house has one mango tree which is the oldest amongst all and has been walled in, in a room without a concrete roof( we call this room ambe-wala room), a new curry leaf tree, one belgiri tree, one guava, one pomegranate, one banana and one shoe-flower tree, lots of small plants, all of them standing in the least space they could occupy. I spent lot of time with these trees during this stay. Mornings were beautiful with the chirping sound of the birds living on these trees. Cool breeze through the day made summers pleasing. Only disturbance this time, were the new guests who made our mango tree their home. The cranes, they made the whole place white with their shit and spoiled lots of fruits, but their numbers decreased with the rains, probably they flew away for better accommodation.

            Entertainment for the kids were the animals who frequented our house for their meals. Cows and dogs for chapattis(made specially for them) and bread buns(my father buys for them everyday), Squirrels and birds for grains, and a naughty cat who does not drink any other milk but Amul gold( she is overly pampered by my father, an irritation for my mother and Charvi’s best friend in there). Everytime charvi talks to my father on phone, she enquires about the cat’s well being. She has named her Toma. Charvi and her cousins kept my father busy this vacation by making him feed and over feed the animals, making him buy them chocolates three-four times a day. They would ring the temple bell all through the time he does his Puja and in his absence they would make a mess of all the things in the temple. Charvi had fun to the content of her heart. And the best part was the everyday treat of mangoes. Valsad’s mangoes are very famous for their unique taste. Every three days, my mother would get 40-50  kg raw mangoes and arrange them to get ripe and then serve us all at every meal. She filled my car with the mangoes before I left home. We are still relishing them. I gave some to my neighbors, maids, cook and friends, and it gives such a happy feeling to know that they all liked what my mom sent.

                  Everything was so pleasant and fulfilling this time, except for my mom’s repeated insistence to sell this house off. She is so much done with it. She wants to move in, in a smaller place. She feels lonely without kids. Though she keeps herself busy with many social activities, but still sometimes she behaves like a complete loner. In all, they are three people living there. My father, mother and grandmother. Grandmother keeps herself busy with  puja and T.V all through the day. She remains in her room most of the time. My father keeps himself busy with his business. And my mom tries to kill her time in her bhajan-madli activities. I talk to her very frequently on phone, sometimes she sounds very energetic and positive about life and sometimes she seems to be tired and so much done with everything. These days, she only talks about either selling this house off or redoing it completely as it is a very old fashioned one and she gets tired keeping it upright, especially because getting a good maid is a big problem in that area. Lets see, what it turns out to be? Whether they sell it off or reconstruct it, I will miss every part of it.

(166) Mother's day -8th May

Yesterday was Mother’s day. Messages started pouring in since morning. I wished my mom, and my daughter wished me.


Day proceeded as usual and I got engaged in daily chores. In the afternoon, I got sometime with myself. I sat relaxed and slipped into various thoughts regarding my mom. Several times earlier too, I had crossed this thought and did again yesterday. I often feel that I am not as good a mother to my child as my mother was to us. The level of patience and understanding she demonstrated whole life and does till date is commendable. I never recall an inch of ego in the exchanges we ever had with our mother. For that matter, I even salute my mother-in-law who is a great support and seeked-back preference to her kids. My daughter always tells me that she loves me and I am the best mother, but somehow I still feel some void in myself which I believe affects my role as a good mother. I loose my cool so many times, I shout on her, I hit her and then all I do is simply cry and regret my actions. I wonder why don’t I learn from my mother and from my mistakes? Why do I repeat my wrong acts? I really feel bad about me being bad at times.

I did not send any SMS to my friends, neither did I replied to the received ones. The pain was for having lost one good mother recently. My Ahmedabad visit was quite good this time except for one bad thing which turned out to be the worse encounter of my stay over there. When I was at my aunt’s place in Kalol, my uncle received a call and it was my best friend at other end. She was sobbing and asked for my number.( She had lost it due to some error and could not get it again because I did not call her for almost eleven months as I was annoyed with her for some reason, and perhaps she did the same although I tried calling her husband on few occasions but could never get through). My uncle handed over the phone to me. She was crying and told me about her mother’s road accident. I asked her what was her mom’s condition.? She replied in one sentence, “Mita, please come, I need you, aunty is going”. I assured her I will be with her in next three to four hours. I left for Ahmedabad and called her when I reached my brother’s house. For some reasons, she did not give me the exact details of the hospital and asked me not to leave home before she confirms me to do so. I kept calling her all through the day, and during the last call that night she told me that her mother had gained consciousness and will recover soon. She further asked me not to visit the hospital and wait till her mom gets discharged and then I could see her at home. I agreed but doubted her truth. I kept enquiring from every possible source but she had done her job well. Everyone in my family knew what had happened but no one informed me until the day when I called her and told her that I was going to visit her mother next day. It was then when she tried several ways to reveal the truth that her mother was no more. I felt hurt, very hurt to have lost such a lovely person, to not have been able to see her for the last time and felt worse to not have been able to be by my friend’s side when she needed me the most. I cried for long and asked her why she did so, though the answer was very obvious. Keeping my health in consideration, she didn’t want me to take any shock. What a strong woman she is, just like her mother ! I was very attached to aunty and she too treated me always like her daughter. For days and till now, I keep thinking about that incident which has shaken the pillars of that beautiful family. She was the less-spoken foundation of that strongly bonded unit. My friend’s parents had a love marriage. I never saw this couple having any obvious tiff or argument in-front of others. I am sure there may be few, but the bond of love was always stronger than anything else. My friend told me her father was a completely dismayed person now, but pretends to be strong to help the kids. I know it is gonna be very tough for all of them to cope with this huge loss, but I can pray and hope that they reel out of this misfortune bravely and live their lives as that great woman had always dreamt for them.



Last week, I narrated to my friend the incident of my mother slapping me hard on my cheek just about 10 days before I got married( and this slap came after almost 16-17 years since my childhood days). The reason was that I chose to fight for the truth in-front of several relatives, and thereby embarrassing one of them, when my mother had expected me to keep quiet to avoid any undue hurt feelings. I was very upset then, but I understand today what was my mother’s dilemma at that time. She could rightly rely on and dominate her daughter rather than arguing with so called relatives. I understand this better today because I am a mother too. I often vent out my anger and frustration on Charvi when I am unable to do so with those causing that anger. I know, this is utterly wrong and I try to change this attitude of mine. I hope, I will be able to do so very soon. Charvi is a wonderful child who has taught me some beautiful lessons of my life and she keeps a check on me in her own innocent ways, when I mislead the track of life.



The best gift any woman can get in her life is the opportunity to be a mother, to bring a new life and to be the torch-bearer to the new creation of almighty. I may have done several wrongs, I may have hurt many people, I may have taken wrong decisions, I may not have been the best of human being, but one thing I can swear on my soul( for those who believe in swearing) that I have been the most honest of my being when it comes to be a mother. I may or may not succeed as the most successful one, but my efforts to give my child the best, are the best I could make, though they are always less in my view. At times, I get to hear some bitter words for this dedication of mine, but it comes all worth when my child hugs me very tight with her heart in the arms, when she kisses me the purest of it, when she sounds worried about my silence, when she moves her soft hands on my forehead to relive me of my pain, when she shares her favourite chocolates with me, when she says she wants to be like me, when she says that I am beautiful, when she says that I am the best mom, when she gives the best smile to make me feel happy…when she reminds me that she is a part of me and I am the mother to this beautiful soul…yes, all the pains, woes and disputations falls in congruence to worth, when I see myself as no one else, but a mother.

(165) Random

On the night previous to last, I was online around midnight. I received a buzz which said, “Why don’t you update your blog?”. I didn’t wanted to reply to that particular buzz, but I really had no answer. Well, then I thought of visiting the blog and check what was the last thing I wrote. It seems, I hadn’t shared things for long. Chalo, then here’s a short brief out. Hmm, to start with, I enjoyed India-pakistan and India-Srilanka matches thoroughly. The world cup was an awesome event. Ya but before that, I had tough time running between hospital and home, for fifteen days. Dheeraj fell sick and was admitted on a critical note of doctor with threatening reveals. Time passed by with things turning out thankfully positive. Then we won the world cup. I watched it in Four Seasons restaurant in Ambey Valley(Sahara’s resort in lonavala) with my friend and her daughter, and Charvi. Four of us were loud on cheers all through, and I ordered a wonderful hot chocolate sizzling brownie with ice-cream and chocolate sauce to celebrate the victory. Oh, it was pleasingly exhaustive evening. And yes, a week later, I distributed sweets among people to thank powers which helped India win.

                 Then, I got busy with Charvi’s school matters, her annual day was  a great hit. She performed Cindrella. Her results for Jr.K.G. were graded great. She got a week off, and then started off with her new session of Sr.K.G..But it had to be put on halt, because I got her to travel with me to Ahmedabad Journey was good otherwise, except for the part that got me tired, which was the ordeal of answering all the queries of quiz master Charvi. Since I have reached my aunts place, she has been treating me with various delicacies throughout the day. In last, four days, I have cherished dal-dhokli, poha,andhwa, khichu,pulao,bhakri, masala khichdi, gujarati dal and kadhi, home-made sandwiches, ..the list is long. Tomorrow’s menu consist of poran poli for lunch, dahi bade and probably chole bhature for dinner and am sure breakfast will have something special on the menu as it is my aunts wedding anniversary. Todayl, I made cold coffee for all of them and tomorrow am planning to make custard pudding to treat everyone. That’s all about my welcome here. And yup, Me and my aunt are planning to go for a movie tomorrow leaving behind the kids at home. This will refresh our memories of the time years back when I was in school and my aunt use to take me for movies. We both had good time then, and am sure will enjoy it tomorrow as well.

                When I sent a message from my local number to few of my friends and relatives to make a note of the same, I ended it with my name mentioned as Mita Sharma. Out of others, one reply made me smile from my heart. A friend of mine from Rajkot replied to me in exclamation asking, “ Is it Ms.Sharma Mita Raj!”. It reminded me of the way I always used my name during school, college and career days and still love to write the same way while signing off my emails.

                What else?..Hmm..I have plans to meet some of my friends during this visit. Let’s see if I can schedule my time accordingly…Good night

(164)My balcony..

This morning, I woke up an hour early than usual days. It was 5 am and i didnt wanted to hurry with starting the daily chores. I chose to sit in the balcony.It was'nt that dark and neither too sunny out there.Lost for some minutes, I started hovering over different thoughts, some of them coming to my mind probably because of the sight in front of my eyes, the black tarred road. First thought was about the comparative silence I was experiencing at that time, than the other hours of the day. Then I recalled the loud loud music I had heard a month back, which was coming from the opposite township's open centre hall where Bryan Adam's was performing.That day this road falling in between my house and that place was crowded with every possible brands of cars and commuters.Oh..it was a crazy site to see.They say, there were almost 30,000 people to attend that show.My mind swiftly drifted to the recent incident which occured two-three days back.Same road, a three year old kid fell down from the school bus and got crushed under its rear wheels.For the whole day, i could not come over the thought of the poor child being tragically killed and the pain of his parents who were completely lost of senses after knowing about this incident.It was an awful day, I became over protective about Charvi and instructed her bus driver and maid to be extra cautious.Then my eyes moved towards my right, where the construction had been ongoing for more than a year or so, and is still in process..it's gonna be a huge, I believe the biggest mall-multiplex of this area, with about 15 movie screens and every possible big brand shop being included.Everyday I observe the labors, the huge machines, the material and I keep them watching for hours from either of the balconies or from the bedroom window and await to see the completion of this project into a bustling crowded place.Sometimes, they do work in nights but I never saw the site this early before.Today, when I looked at the site, it was quiet with no labors, no machine movements, just an unusual calm.But now when I am writing this, oh god..the usual sounds of hit and tuck is all back making me feel so normal about my life..Over with this thought, my neck turned towards my left and I saw my friend's balcony on 8th floor.She delivered a baby boy yesterday, but the baby had some complications and is still under observation, my friend is fine, but am sure she must be worried about her child. I hope he gets well soon...I said all this to myself and then felt a little overworked at this early hour of the day.I thought, comeon Mita...have a break , give a break to the machine working in you...because now the thoughts which I had been avoiding all this while on purpose were forcing into me very rapidly, and I did'nt wanted to get carried away with them. So, i chose to put my headphone on and played some nice music to the highest of its volume to keep away from some particular thoughts. That reminded me of the recent encounter I had with one of the websites where I write.They published something on my portfolio without my approval and that put me in a questionable situation. I wondered, should I trust this site anymore and carry-on my association with them Or should simply take this as a sign to discontinue with them and fulfill my writing craves on my own blogs, as I otherwise do.
           It was almost an hour since I sat in the balcony, and it was time for Charvi to wake up.I called for Charvi and asked her to wake up.She pleaded.."mamma please, sone dona, please five minutes"...This was new..she never asked for such elongations of time while waking up anytime before...I smiled to myself and thought..oh my girl is grown up...I used to do the same, when my aunt,or my mom would wake me up...i would say the same thing.."5 minute aur sone dona please mami"...her innocent request simply changed my mood..I came in and laid down beside her...She was half awake, she hugged me tight,kissed me and said softly in ear, "five more minutes mamaa, please"....I could not help but laugh out loud and hold her more securely in my arms...
           At this time, sun is pouring all in the balcony, the road is very busy, construction is on full force..and its turning very hot out here...Lets see, what new, I experience with this part of my house, till I am here..and don't move into another place..

(163) Addiction

It's been hardly a week since my net not working and I felt like an era passed by that I got connected.Thanks to the patience of the girl in the tech department of the service provider,who sorted my issue out through an hour long call today. Though i don't surf, check or write on regular basis, but the only assurance that i can get on to connectivity anytime virtually with those whom I don't see everyday, is in itself a reliever.Imagine..the level of addiction.I bet, people like me or those who are worse(in addiction) should put a check right now.Well, good thing overall was, twice I got to get all with myself and had a good time listening to me after a long long pretended pause.Once i went for a coffee, I suppose it was after a long gap of five months and so, and at other time, after dropping Charvi for school, I went shopping, but reached before the opening time of the mall, so chose to sit under the shade of  a tree and observed people, surroundings, noises and my silence amidst all of it. Both were good encounters with self.
Warning:Don't get addicted to people, imagine if dealing with the absence of the material things isn't that easy, how difficult it could get to keep at ease and deal with the lack of people whom you get attached to....

(162)Three Advices

Few months back, while talking to a friend, I agreed down three advices genuinely given to me to tackle with difficult and different people around...

here they are..i hope it may help my friends/readers as well...

(1) Don't give prompt reply.
(2) It's not always about you, no need to get involved into everything.You are not required always.
(3) Try and give benefit of doubt, don't be too judgmental about people.

(161) saying

I am sure you would have heard the following one in one or more of its varied forms earlier, I came across the simplest one today.Thought of sharing it..
"Don't make permanent decisions on temporary emotions"...good night..god bless

(160)Time

Time,
Sometimes..seems immovable..
and often it is too fast to be caught by helpless people..
It brings to reality the realm of fantasies, and at times, it ruthlessly shatters the dream..
Time,
they say..
is the best teacher,
best healer..
I presume, besides being these two, time also serves as the burning flame at the other end, to let not die the memoirs of those priceless moments, life ever served through the medium of time itself...

(159) Happy Valentine Day

Three days back, I had a strong craving for Dairy Milk. I went into the kitchen, checked the refrigerator and the storing rack, but had no dairy milks. I felt sad for a moment, and wished if someone could send me one, because you know na, I don't like buying this favorite thing of mine for myself. I thought I would put a message, please someone send me a chocolate, never mind if I have to pay for it. Then I saw the slab of Cadbury's Temptation in the side rack, it was brought buy my brother who had come for a day. But that was for Charvi, but I cheated and I had some pieces from the same. And as I had talked about my intuitions,if you remember, one more click to  my brain was, "have patience dear, you will get one soon".. and so I pleased myself with that chocolate for that moment.Not only did my intuition about the chocolate came true, but also three other things which I thought would happen, did happen in last three days, and yes ofcourse, my chocolate came too. A friend of ours who had to collect his parcel received here, came to see us yesterday and got me and Charvi, Dairy milk Fruits and Nuts, and a Bournveille. I grabbed the fruit n nuts and gave other one to Charvi. Oh, I just had fun savoring the same. And my chocolate tasted all the more sweet by the showers of affection from my neighbor's daughter Nishi and Charvi. Nishi is a very sweet girl, she is 18 months old and everyday I teach her a new word. Now she speaks.."ta-ta, chi-chi, nai-nai,noooooo...yuki, meee..taaaa, ji-ji, oh.ho..and ahaaa"..and the process is still on.And I love to watch her say all that I teach her. And you know what, she has nicknamed me as Bum or Bhum sometimes. I play a game with her where in I make her sit on top of the bean bag and make her slide with the word Bhum, and she loves it so so much that she has started addressing me by that name. Whenever she wants to come to my place or see me, she would tell her mom to take her to Bum. Often I find her waiting at her door opened, staring at the lift, at the time of my return from college, and the moment I am out of the lift, she gives a big smile and a tight hug to me and keep calling me Bhum/bum until I pacify her. Oh ..she is simply amazing and Charvi is also very fond of her. They both get along so well, I love to watch them play so amicably. Charvi is learning to behave like an elder sister, she takes care of Nishi very well. She shares her toys with her, corrects her when she is wrong and tries to teach her many things I ask her to.You know, I wish If I have a daughter again, I would want her to be either like Charvi or like Nishi or rather a nice mix of both of them, these two girls are amazing.
              It's a valentine day today.I wish everyone who reads this, and those who do not, a very loving Valentine day...Love and spread love...tc
        

(158) I feel thankful

Since two days, Charvi is imitating me and repeating every word I say. She is having a lot of fun in teasing me. If I ask her to have lunch, she asks me the same, if I call her mad, she calls me the same.Whatever I say, she repeats and then seeing my facial reactions, she bursts into laughter. Today, when i was about to loose my cool, i suddenly recalled what I had done to my friend so many times on phone. Same thing, same repetition of every word spoken. Then I felt little amusing for  a moment and realized how frustrating and sometimes entertaining it would have been for others when I did so.
             Charvi is behaving a  little mature these days. She talks big things, dresses up well and to my surprise her choice of clothes and pairing is awesomely beautiful. Last week, when I asked her to get ready to go out with me, she put on a nice pink jacket with her blue pair of jeans having light pink sequined work on it. She asked me to tie one pony with her hair and paired this attire with her pink sandals. Oh my God, you had to watch her out then, she was looking beautiful. Not that she is my daughter and so I felt so, but she was really looking very presentable. When she walked, I kept watching her from behind and wondered if I ever looked anything like her, when I was four years old. But yes, one thing I have to admit, now she looks very much like me in face. And I love to watch her talk nice things, giving suggestions to me, and demanding all impossible things in the world, though she agrees like a good girl when something is denied to her with reason.
            At times, when she behaves cranky and I loose my cool, she forgets that part of mine so soon, and showers her love so unconditionally on me that I feel guilty of being so rude with her. Often, when I would be dressing her up for school in morning, she would hug me tight and say,"Mamma , you are the best mamma, and I love you very much"..these words relieves me of all the ache and tiredness I gather by waking up at 6.30 in the morning and preparing her lunch box and getting things ready for her. I feel so great to have such non-malign display of affection and i feel all the more happy to be a  mother of such a radiant child.
             When I see her and her love for me, I sometimes wonder,"Why do I have so many things in life to crib about, isn't this pure love more than enough for one lifetime?..
If I have to sit and count of all the good things happened to me in three decades of my life, I think they will be numerous. Why do I have to cry for things which I could not get, may be they were not meant for me, or may be I was not meant for them. I have been blessed by the most understanding parents and siblings, good husband,good family, sky full of unending, eternal-love and the boon of experiencing the miraculous journey of motherhood, good education, good life, wonderful and understanding friends and  the opportunity life gave me to know myself better, with the help of those best people who became the immovable part of my life.
           Life is never a completely fulfilling offer, and tears remain inseparable for non-achievements, but one has to choose to see either the part which remained unfulfilled and feel sad, or see the other half which is full of love and gifts, life encountered during the journey, and thus feel happy and content to ever have all those, than never have to been seen...I am heartily thankful to all those who made my life meaningful and fulfilling in some ways by their presence.

(157) Fix

It becomes so difficult, when the worthiness and loyalty of one person in any relationship is always tested on some prefixed parameters. Is it possible for anyone to always standby or run through the errand down-lined to prove that he has utmost faith in the questioned bonding? Is it possible for anyone to sustain the dignity and trust in, even if he is rubbed against the rigid walls of selfish parameters, with the same nailing methods to surface his integrity?
           The person in question suffers and only suffers for not being able to justify the demands always, and not because he cannot jump over the fence and walk out, but because he wants to stay in and keep the bonding afresh, which though becomes seemingly impossible and painful...

(156) Lost

Thought,
Dreamed,
Searched,
Found,
Cared,
Cherished,
Loved,
Held,
Trusted,
Released,
And
Lost......

(155) Good day

Sun is shining bright and it's rays touching me through the glass door, and am enjoying the same sitting in the chair.I did not go the college today, had a backache, so relaxing at home.
           It was a bad day yesterday.Morning started on a tiff with a friend, college went through tough, and evening I encountered hurt while speaking to a family member on the phone.Thanks to my friends who came over in the afternoon and we did few of the college assignments.I could keep myself off from the lows of the mood.They had been coming to me since last Sunday, and might drop in tomorrow as well.I urged one of them to stay back last night, but she had some important task at home.Well, I am fine now. I spoke to another friend last night, and realized that nobody can hurt you unless and until you allow them and give them the right to do so. If you choose to remain unaffected, no action or word of others can leave you perturbed.On that note, I decided to go for a sleep and had a dream." I saw myself awaiting my turn to show to the doctor in some hospital.Though I had taken a prior appointment, I was made to sit and wait for eight hours there(weird na!)  and when it was my turn, the doctor was called for an emergency and she left me unattended with the pain for which I was there. I cried and I cried, donno for how long."  When I woke up, I felt light, relieved and much more resolved. One more time, life proved to me the metal of the belief I always held and trusted in so strongly," Whatever happens, happens for good".
                       Have a good day..

(154) Back home

“Little things you do for me and nobody else make me feel good,

Little things you do for me, making me smile and no one else could,

That’s why I like to sit next to you, and hear your mad stories,

I know they’re not true,

Little things you do for me..and nobody else make me feel good..”

This is the beautiful song I have been humming all the three months since it has been played by the Vodafone advertisement beginning from October.. am in love with this piece of song…

Another song which I quite like these days is “Chadha de rang, soniya ve..” from Yamla Pagla Deewana…its sung so melodiously..

So..I was back in Pune some days back, but fell sick on way return..then Charvi caught viral infection and was sick for a week.Now , we both are fine..and she started going to school again and I attended college almost after a month plus..it was a refreshing feeling to meet friends there.

But now, I have loads and loads of assignments to complete…

And trip to Udaipur had been very hectic. I travelled from Pune to Mumbai.Then Mumbai to Valsad, stayed overnight there, then Valsad to Ahmedabad and from Ahmedabad to Udaipur..God , I just got badly exhausted. All the family members had gathered there for a Puja which was organized for Charvi..Even my father’s family had come there, my parents, masa masi, mama-mami, cousin,my sis-in-laws, their families.

I went around all the places in Udaipur where I had been on my visit last year. Fatehsagar lake was full upto the brim..we went there in gang of girls, and went around other places as well..udaipur was different, or so I thought.

After Puja, we came to Ahmedabad, I went to see the construction progress of the property I bought in the city, it seems, I won’t get possession before April.I was very happy to see so many family members all together under one roof. I think, I celebrated 31^st December  in Ahmedabad almost after ten years…and it was very cold out there.Ahmedabad is changing very fast…I showed my school to my daughter..i wish to take her inside the school one day. I hope I get this opportunity during my visit this April..lets see..

It seems, there’s lots of travelling on card this season. I might go to Delhi or Goa for the college trip this month end. Have to attend three weddings in February back home. March-not confirmed yet,. April-Ahmedabad.May-Valsad…Oh..am goona live in packs for some months it seems..

Take care..