(107) STICKER kiss..

Christmas was fine. Called up some friends and wished them.Later, Charvi and I went down in the building park for Christmas Carnival along with my neighbour and her daughter. That was OK. Then we went to the mall opposite to us and spent good time indulging in variety of foods. Yesterday was good. Today it was bit tiring, but one lovely thing happened too. While I was driving back home, Charvi fell asleep. I slowed down and lowered her seat and tightened her belt, she was looking very cute while sleeping. I kissed her and drove back home. She woke up but laid lazy and stared at the walls. I went closer to her and kissed her on her pink cheeks, but she did not respond. She was still silent and lost in her thoughts. I got a sharp flash of related memory from my childhood. I was just the same. Many a times I wouldn’t retort to others gestures of pamper and love when lost somewhere, but when kissed on the forehead, I would be all in the arms. Few favorites never changes over the passing of time. I still feel the same pamper, support, closeness, security, belongingness, strength, trust, confidence and victory when I am embellished with love on my forehead. I never tried and try to unearth the reason behind such a pious feeling I experience whenever I am kissed on the forehead. And somehow I get this impression, that Charvi is akin to me in this matter. Today, when she was not responding to all my cuddling and teasing, I held her face tight and kissed her for long on her forehead, but with a very naughty and loud noise. When I stopped, she reacted, smiled and said something which made me laugh throughout the evening. She said, “ mamma, aapne mujhe sticker kiss ki?(did u give me the sticker kiss?). I was shocked with this new kind of name for a kiss and i said what??....she repeated. “mamma , aapne mujhe sticker kiss kiyanaa.”.I aksed her, “ sticker kiss kya hota hai?”(what is sticker kiss?). she said.. “arree mamma, jaise hum book ke ander sticker fevistick se zor se chipka dete hai, waise hi aapne mere forehead per kiss chippka di naa!!, toh yeh sticker kiss haina?”(arree mamma, the way we stick the sticker with fevistick in the book, sameway you have stuck the kiss on my forehead, so this is sticker kiss na.!)….i was so amazed to have found the new kiss..or rather new name of the kiss…The Sticker Kiss..and the founder is my cute little daughter.. Charvi..
You know.. My mother in law surely kisses us all on our foreheads whenever we visit her or she visits us.

And yes, I missed to say….do watch 3 Idiots. It’s a wonderful movie..a must must watch..have fun. One sec, one sec, one more thing..today again I was invited by my another neighbour and she too served me and Charvi with very tasty Sarso da saag and hot makka chapattis…I had it overfull.. it was yummy, I don’t know when will I learn to cook them. Bye for now. Good night, I got to go to sleep. Am very tired, had been driving a lot in last 3-4 days. Also, I am expecting my sis-in-law tomorrow morning, plus Dheeraj will also be coming back home, so lots of work to do. Catch you soon…

(106)Diet disastor

Recently, i put up lot of weight. Almost 7-8 kgs more than what i normally weigh. I thought of picking up dieting.Yesterday was the first day. I chose the 7 day diet plan very famous and adopted by GE employees in past.So, i was supposed to be on fruits first day.I shopped lots of fruits and vegetables a day before(when i had that chilled coffee..i told you yesterday, right). Day started off well, i kept eating chikoos, oranges, apple, papaya turn by turn all through. i even savored the wonder soup they had advised. It was not really a smooth day though, but still i thought i would succeed.
i must say, it is so much pyschological. days when i am not bound to the eating routine, i manage to survive without food almost half or full day, busy doing important things. but if i am told, that i am on fast or diet, its gone, it becomes a real fight. it happened so yesterday too. my will broke at around 5.30 in the evening. To feel less guilty, i called up my brother and told him that i am giving up.he supported and that was a kick start. i jumped into the kitchen, pulled the fridge door and grasped the bowl with plum cake. i had two large squares from it. then i ate two chapatis with matar-potato curry. still not done, i pushed in biscuits, chevda, chocolate and what not. then i relaxed for an hour and then went out to have chilli-paneer.woh..that was real yummy, spicy. came back home and decided not to have anything else. but, it was the dieting day....my neighbour rang in with a bowl of sarso da saag and plate of makke di roti, both layered with ounces of ghee. how could i resist my favorite combo?..go for it..i said..and all down in tummy...God...i would never again go for any dieting plan..i simply cant do things when am put in rules without my heart in it..well..that was all for yesterday...i dont know, how am gonna cut down on the fats all around me...just hoping it happens eventually....but hey...one sec..u know what, today when i went to buy tickets for me and Charvi(movie tickets, she is real good companion for movies), i came home to find lift not working. can you believe it, i had to climb eleven tall floors myself..eleven floors..i was panting and pumping like jumping bag ...perhaps...nature plays an act of balancing everything....all goodies eaten yesterday got churned by my foot climbing today...cya

(105)Cold Coffee

Temperature falling down and down by each day.
Air is meant to kill and Sun gives no relief.
Choked throat, and nose sprinkling.
Yet,
It was a thrill to walk down the lane and sit in the coffee shop, dare to choose between few favorites like Devil's own, Choco-frappe and Tropical iceberg; and to savor it at ease with every sip freezing the throat and the feel jumping out of my pores.
Its joy to treat your lone-self at times.

(104) It helps..

-->

If By choice,

By force,

Or By compulsion under situation,

You have to stay away from particular thing/person

And abolish your liaison with,

Although reluctant;

You should emphasis more on the thoughts,

Which ascends and highlights the negative traits,

And attributes of the one in question,

And reminds about the possible unpleasant consequences,

Which may result due to the continuity of the association.

It helps……

(103) Calling the dead

-->

Killed,

Buried,

Lost in the graveyard.

Why knocking now, on face of the coffin?

Does it mean and hold the hopes,

Of listening once again,

From the one,

Who is lying in side,

Not as the beloved,

But a dead body..

(102) A Letter Part 3

2 years later

-Hello bhaia-
-hey Chutki, how are you-
-am fine bhaia, and so excited to learn that you are coming to delhi next month-
-ya,, I thought , let me meet my naughty sister whom I haven’t met for years-
-oh bhaia, how sweet of you-
-so, what do you want from Calcutta?-
-will you get me whatever I say?-
-anything my Chutki-
-bring bhabhi along with you, I know, you guys don’t share a good affiliation, but I still want to see her, I have heard she is very beautiful and sweet spoken, please bhaia-
-no-
-please bhaia, I know you haven’t forgotten Taani, but how long will it continue like this, you have to get back the hold on your life-
-don’t worry Chutki, I have good hold on my life, and please,, don’t you ever take that bad name again in front of me-
-what? why you talk like this bhaia, I am shocked, how can u be so rude about her?-
- I said, I don’t want to talk about that bitch-
-stop it bhaia, enough is enough, people don’t talk bad about their enemies even, if they are dead, and look at you, you are rubbishing your love after she is no more-
-what?, what you are saying Chutki?
-don’t feign bhaia, as if you don’t know anything!-
-I don’t Chutki, I don’t, I don’t know any such thing, when did this happen? please tell me, oh my god, Taani, where are you?-
- are you serious bhaia, you don’t know about it-
-I don’t Chutki, please tell me, what happened to my Taani?
-please stop crying bhaia, I am sorry, I thought you knew it all and still….i am really sorry bhaia, Taani had a brain tumor and it became the cause of her death-
-when it happened?-
-a week before your wedding bhaia-
-why didn’t you tell me then, you were there in my wedding, right?-
-yes bhaia, but Taani had made me swear on her and gave me a letter to be given to you only after your wedding-
-where is that letter?-
-didn’t you get it bhaia?-
-no, never, you never gave me, how would I get it Chutki?-
-I gave it to your mom when she had come to Delhi after your wedding ,and asked her to hand it over to you-
-she never gave me one-
-that is bad, ask her-
-what did you tell her while giving the letter-
-I said, this is from Taani and she is no more-
-oh god, Chutki…do you know what was written in the letter?-
-no bhaia, I never opened it, how could I, it was meant for you-
-okey, thanks Chutki, I will talk too you later and I am sorry if I was too harsh-
-its okey bhaia,, please take care-
-bye-
-bye-



-Maa, maa.., where are you maa?-
-yes Rishi, what happened-
-Maa, when you went to Delhi last year, Chutki gave you a letter, where is that?-
-what letter, which letter, she didn’t give me anything-
-don’t lie maa..please don’t lie, don’t make me be rude to you, tell me where is that letter?-
-I tore it off-
-and-
-put it to fire-
-maa…!!-
-what!!-
-how could you do that to me maa..u knew it was from Taani and it was her last letter, and still, oh maa…can a mother be so cruel?-
-yes, I knew, it was from Taani and still I did that-
-did you read it maa?-
- there was no need, and I was not interested-
-I hate you maa-
-I did it for your good Rishi-
-what good maa? what good?I didn’t give her chance to speak her heart when she was alive and now, look maa, how fateless I am, she tried to tell me something for the last before she left for ever, and I missed even that. I lost the last source of encoding her core…. I, I suppose, I deserved it maa, I think I am punished this way.
-no beta, don’t think so-
-no maa, this is true…this loss will haunt me forever and ever…Taani I miss you..


To my Taani..

I saw you and that was all
Life changed forever
Though I could never say
But you were the only reason, I breathed after that
Life to me, became the task to see you in my world
To make you my queen.

My life became meaningless,
When you disappeared without reading my eyes,
Without listening to my heart
An era passed, I didn’t see you.
I thought I would die without letting you know, what you meant to me

But, my prayers fructified
We met,
I got the chance to unburden my heart
And I felt content to have told you what I always wanted to

Humans, we are never satisfied.
Now, I wanted you to love me too
Time went by listening to your voice and waiting for those words
And one day I heard the thing, I would have bargained my whole life for
You acknowledged my feelings
I had nothing more to demand.

But yet, I became selfish
Your emotional presence in my life was not all,
I wanted you to be mine every way,
And this broke us apart.

Now, when you are not there,
I realize all the more what you meant to me
I hope I had understood this when you were with me
However demanding I had been to you in my life,
I only wanted you to be mine, and only mine
Though you too said the same through your eyes
It took me long to understand your spiritual approach
But now, I know that you are mine
Wherever you are, be at peace
And remember only one thing about me,
That I truly truly love you and will die doing the same

Rishi

(101) A Letter Part 2

2 months later..

-Hello, hi Chutki, how are you?-
- I didn’t know brother, you loved me so much-
-I do Chutki-
- u hardly made a call to me earlier to my marriage, and now c, wow!, if I knew this, I would have got married soon, after all, u are my favorite brother-
-don’t be so humdrum and give me this filmy ds-
-alright, alright bhaia,now tell me, what makes you call your sis-
-actually,..Chutki, I needed your friends number-
-I should have understood it, well…Taani right?-
-yes-
-okey…note it down.----------
-thank u so much my dolly sister, love u Chutki-
-yaa yaa sure, and keep loving me and calling me , or else, Taani is my best friend u c-
-I know…bye-
-bye-

Eyes rarely lies. Rishi had read what Taani didn’t show. They met first very formally at the library, then a card shop and then the coffee bar at the interval of a month each time. Then the meetings became frequent moving onto more happening places like theatre, discos, parties and friends’s place. Time flew by like a bird, relation became stronger, feelings were understood, but there was something which was yet to be heard in words. Rishi had repeated it thousand times by now and was waiting to hear it from Taani. Those three beautiful words.

5 months later..


Rishi’s birthday. They spent the whole day together at a beautiful resort along with several other friends. Sunset, the day was over, and the time to go rushed in. Though Rishi was very happy to have spent the best birthday of his life, and Taani’s presence was the gift in itself, he still wanted something more. He dropped his friends first who were seated in his car, and then went to drop Taani at her hostel. She got down, waived a bye and started walking. Rishi was watching her without a blink. She paused, and so did Rishi’s heartbeat. She turned, came back to him, and held his face in her hands. His face got brightened. She placed a smooth peck on his right cheek, gave him a folded paper and walked back on her way. It took him few minutes to collect himself and see that she was already gone. He was on cloud nine to read those beautiful verses which said;

It’s difficult to compose myself when I see you
You don’t make a move but your air says it all
Your deep dovey eyes asks for my love
The peripheral smile draws me closer
Your silent lips demands a lock to be further Speechless
The smell intoxicates me
Your downy arms urges me to get lost in your embrace
When you are in my sphere, It becomes a battlefield, where
I long to loose to you and want you to win over me..
I feel the same as you do…I confess, yes I do..

A week later

-hi, you are looking beautiful-
-thanks, only you think so-
-no, seriously, ask any man out here, you will get the same reply-
-I don’t need to, what you say is what I trust-
-oh…I love you for this sweetness, that’s how you mange to kill me every time..
-Okey..now listen, I have to say something to you, but before that… thanks a lot for coming into my life-
- even I have to ask you something Taani, and please stop thanking me, how many times will you do that?-
-okey, then you go first-
-no,no, let it be you-
-I request, you say first-
-Ok, Taani, why do I get the feel that you are someone more deeper and sadder in yourself than what meets my eyes, I mean, what could have been the reason that it took you so long to confess your love, is everything alright with you?-
-indeed, that’s what I have to talk to you about-
-tell me then-
- but before that you have to promise me that come what may, our love will remain unaffected-
- do you doubt it?-
-no I don’t, but I still want a promise-
-okey, I promise, but you know I don’t keep my promises-
-stop kidding, be serious-
-okey, am serious and all ears to you, what is it that is bothering you so much-

“Hello Sir-Madam, please excuse us, sorry to disturb you, but you need to vacate this place at the earliest as we are expecting a huge crowd within short time, we will be glad by your co-operation”- quoted the volunteers of an NGO organizing a show for children.

-certainly we will, common Taani, let’s go somewhere else and talk at ease-
- that’s okey, we will talk later, this event reminds me I have to deliver a speech at our hostel’s function tonight, I must leave now, we will talk later-
-oh, please, wait for sometime Taani-
-try and understand Rishi, I must go, we will meet tomorrow-
-you sure?-
-Sure darling, bye for now-
- see you soon, I will miss you-

A month later


Rishi was eagerly waiting for Taani at a friend’s place, and taani was summing up all her energies and words on her way so that she could say everything she wanted to, without hesitation.

-oh Taani, where were you? what took you so long?, I would have died if you had not shown your face within next 5 minutes-
-calm down Rishi, what is this impatience about?, you know it takes one through traffic hell and pestering time to reach this place, you knew I was already on my way-
-give me a hug Taani, I just cant live without you-
- what happened Rishi, why are you behaving like this? is everything alright?-
-no, nothing is alright, but now it will, because you have come, just be with me, don’t leave me, keep holding me like this whole life, I want to die in your arms-
-please tell me Rishi, what is wrong, am already very nervous, don’t make me more, please say something-
-Taani, promise me, you will never leave me, wherever you are, whatever you do, you will always love me, and I know, you never break your promise-
- I promise-
-thank God, thank you, thank you Taani, thank you so much-
-now can you please please tell me, what’s the matter, see, even I have to tell you something which is very important for you to know-
-Taani, my father’s best friend and his wife had died in an accident last year, their only child- a daughter was sent to the hostel to finish the last year of her graduation, and now she has come to stay with us as none of her relatives are willing to take care of her-
-poor girl-
-no, say poor boy, my parents wants me to marry her-
-what?-
-yes, they don’t mind even if it happens after some years, but they want a promise from my side, how can they do this to me?, I am not going to let them throb their decisions on me-
-so, what have you decided-
-what is there to decide darling, we are getting married-
-be serious Rishi-
-do you think, am in mood of making some kind of joke, am serious, very very serious, my parents don’t approve of our relationship and so no other option left with us, let us elope, I have told my friends to make all the arrangements, it will take a day or two, and then, you are all mine and am yours-
- aren’t we?-
-of course we are Taani, but that is all in your divine state, right!-
-right, but isn’t that more rigid, stable and important?-
-it is , it is, I never denied, but I want something more-
-that is the epitome my love, when you love someone chastely, when you achieve someone spiritually and the feeling is mutual, that is all what one can aim for in love-
-oh my nirmala devi, my sant mahatma, I agree to all that you say, but you know, I want you in every form-
- your mood changes so fast Rishi-
-common now, we have whole life to discuss this all, right now, you have to tell me, what all you want to do in our sweet simple wedding-
-nothing-
-what, throw this arrogance Taani and be serious-
-I am-
-what does it mean?-
- it means, I don’t want to do anything, and it means I can’t ……-
-what?..tell me Taani, what?-
-Rishi, I am sorry, but I can’t marry you-
-shut up, shut up Taani, is this some kind of joke we are enacting, you fool, this is our life, how can you simply say you can’t marry me, you can’t say such a thing to me, no, you just cant, tell me , you are lying-
-I am not lying Rishi, please calm down and listen to me,I told you I had to talk to you something very important, but you..-
-no, not at all, I don’t want to listen to anything , nothing can be more important than you and me, you bloody selfish, how could you do this to me, you know how much I love you and still you have the guts to say all this, now I know you Taani, this is you, this is you, bloody selfish, fiendish girl who played with my emotions, played with my heart, how could I not see all this, oh god, why was I so blind in your love Taani, please, please tell me Taani, whats my fault?
-Nothing Rishi, no faults of yours, you have to listen to me first-
-no, I don’t want to, what would you say? you will give me all crap, stupid reasons why you can’t marry me, oh common, stop fooling me, am not going to trust you anymore, I should have got alert when Chutki had told me that Taani is a tough nut, but no, I didn’t think of anything, any one, just went mad about you, you and you, I gambled my studies, I risked my career, everything for you Taani, everything for you..and see, look at you, the shameless girl, so nicely telling me that she can’t marry me, great!, great! Now, if only you will decide everything about us, tell me what I should do after you are gone, tell me na-
-stop it Rishi, please-
-hello, hello, what is please and all, and why this tears in your eyes, don’t do this drama in front of me, am not going to get melted again, now I know you for all, so please, don’t try this tactics on me, am not going to trust you anymore, is that clear, now please, get lost, go away from my life, and don’t you dare show me your face again-
-anything else Rishi-
-why? do you want me to humiliate you even more, do you want me to call you names, haa?, I can do that, you know , I am good at that, I can abuse you to the least level-
-do it-
-oh leave it, you know what you are, a bitch who can never be trusted, so get lost-
-am going –
-yes, please mam, leave me for better, and yes you forgot to tell me what I should do now?-
-marry that girl, bye-


TO BE CONTINUED...

(100) A Letter ...Part1

Rishi packed his bag in 5 minutes and rushed to the station, everyone from the family was starring at the huge clock on the platform, guard blew the whistle, waved green flag and the train left the halt. They were sure of Rishi missing the train, but this time, he proved them wrong. Akin to the train scene in famous Hindi movie DDLJ, Rishi boarded the train last minute and also managed to pull up on board the pretty girl by holding her silky hand, who too was on the verge of missing it by all.

-thank you-
-it was my pleasure-
-Sorry?-
-I mean, its okay-
-okey-

Rishi joined his family and was immensely glad to learn that the girl shared the same coach. How could he simply waste the opportunity of befriending the cute creature? But how? He persuaded his younger sister to click a conversation with her. That too, didn’t work, the girl was some kind of invincible jerk who wouldn’t give in with ease. Broken heart, he went to sleep.

-get up Rishi, how many times we have to wake you up, everyone is out-
-5 minutes Maa-
-darling, its not home, the train will depart soon, get down quickly-
-what! where’s she?-
-who Ria ?, she is already down, now common fast-
-not Ria maa, where is….-
-who?-
-no one-

Very disappointed, Rishi was strolling at the lowest speed carrying his backpack as if a dead-body. The month long excitement of attending cousins wedding had disappeared, leaving train created some kind of void within.

-hello…,hello…, welcome g, how was your journey, hope you had no trouble-
-oh no no, it was all smooth-
- freshen up yourselves, breakfast is ready-
- ya sure, we’ll not take long-
- you are not allowed to, many things to do, shaadi ka ghar you see-

Rishi went up to his cousin’s room and knocked the door vigourously.

-chutki, quickly open the door, I wanna see the bride, is she shy or flamboyant as always-
-no, am not, give me a minute-
- quick , quick, I cant wait to see my kiddo sister grown up into the bride-
-here I am-
-wow, you are looking gorgeous, may I come in-
- of course bhaia, what’s this asking permission and all?-
- I would not if I had not seen the other girl’s back in your room-
-oh..don’t worry, she is my best friend, arrived an hour before, from your city u see-
-ahaa…I see(eyes flashing and mind thanking: thank god, I saw you again, I thought I had lost you)
- Taani, this is Rishi and Rishi , this is Taani, my darling friend-
-hi-
-hi-
-so , you belong to Calcutta, you don’t look like a bong-
- no, I belong here, I am there for my studies-
-alright, good decision-
-of what?-
-studying in Calcutta, it’s a nice place-
-no, its not , I had no choice-
-hmm, bad for you-
-excuse me, I have some work, Chutki, I will be back before evening, I haven’t yet met my parents-
- make sure, you come soon, I cant handle it all without you-
-sure, bye both of you-
-bye……-
-bye……-

-chutki, tell me something, is this girl a born boorish or she is pretending to be one infront of me-
-hello..! bhaia, she is too cute and who are you to be given importance-
-hello…you,ur brother is too handsome to give any heed to such a loutish babe u see-
-ya, ya-
-leave all this, be serious, am so sad that today is the last day of the free life-
-ya, I know, but what a poor girl in this world can do after marriage-
- I was talking about your dulha chutki-
-bhaia..u are too bad-
- no doubts, see, even your friend is frightened of me-
-why you are after her?-
-I kind of like her-
-what?, in the first meeting-
-yes, it was like love at first sight-
- I didn’t find any such thing while u guys were talking-
-not now, chutki, she was with us in the train-
-ofcourse, ofcourse, quite possible, she came by the same train-
- so , u see, she fell for me-
-ha, ha, check urself bro, and yes, all the best, she is a tough nut-
-we will c-

Through out the wedding, Rishi’s focus was solely on Taani and he kept zooming in and out his puzzling pair of eyes. Taani could very well understand this and kept avoiding him throughout, though by the time it was to bid the bye, even she felt the jingle in some part of her heart. Happy wedding- and all were back to their respective dwellings.


TO BE CONTINUED...........

(99) HICCUPsssss...

Hiccup, and a hiccup
And non-stop hiccups
I ignored them first
Then thought,
Let me enjoy..
Let me dare think,
Who could it be..?
Hiccup..


Names and faces to check
Or think of someone unique
But before, I could confirm
My maid’s strong voice shot from the dining space,
Gushed in my room and hit my ears.
‘What’s the matter? Why so many hiccups?
And a loud Hiccup…


She came closer,
And asked teasingly,
Didi, who could it be?
I said,
I am wondering about the same.
And surfaced the Hiccup..


While I am writing this,
My hiccups,
Are returning at the same tempo.
Hiccup..


They say,
If you divert your mind to something else,
Hiccups disappear.
I tried it,
I tried that,
Nothing worked.
And the uhh uhh of my hiccups,
Is reverberating like a jingle,
A beautiful melodious tune,
Which says,
Forget about the scientific logics,
And for now,
Have faith in the strongly held old superstition,
About hiccups,
That someone is missing you,
And be happy,
That you are fondly remembered….

Hiccup,
Hiccup,
Hiccup…am enjoying these hiccups..

(98)Convened to Soul

The winds peeled of my exterior,
The words left many wounds,
The pristine walls were broken,
Some defiance yet, remained intact within me.

I grasped, I swallowed,
I walked along the flow,
I complied with the decree of involvement,
Some rancor yet, remained intact within me.

The spell unturned, season changed,
The airs of an unknown earth rushed in.
Fragrance was sedating, the aura most deliberate,
Pushed pain in my chest,
Moistened my lips, dried up my throat,
Tickled my intestine, uplifted my trust,
Blood in me confused its way.
Moved from my stone hold stature,
I began to melt slowly,
Layer by layer,
edge by edge.

I became a tree, I flared every leaf,
I stood high with pride, Unshaken, not bothered.
My flowers blossomed, I was beautiful.

I clicked the rhythm with the roots,
And moved into the wet soil,
I was enriched, smoothened, more intense, incomparable.

I melted more, I merged myself,
I began to surge deeper within,
I was losing, yet gaining.

I blended in the water, I became a river,
I drifted crest and trough, I was vigorous.
I felt the torrent, and then I was silent, a triumphant.

I bathed in the saps of my own seventh heaven,
I admired solitary amidst endless love.
I found the other part of my soul…I was entire.

I emanated afresh, every miniscule born new,
Unrestrained, pleased, I traveled back through forms,
From the river to the soil to the tree to the stone.

But this time,

There was no defiance,
No rancor,
I was a free bird,
Liberated,
Auspicious,
Euphoric.
I was a soul so complete,
To have accomplished,
The journey of searching the comrade,
And to have become,
One with it……
An undivided soul…

(97) The silent lake

I was atop a tiny hill besides the land attached to the squarely circular, deep, dark, silky-silent lake. On the opposite side, there was a small piece of land where Ana, Divi, Mira and Pramarsh were searching various ways to cross the lake and come on my side, from where they could have traded through the adjacent fields and reached the trivial village. Ana and Divi were scheduled to get married in a very old temple situated in the derelict fort of that village. They waited for a long time and then saw a wooden circular casket coming towards them flowing from their right side of the lake, which was connected to a thick jungle. They were very pleased to see the help forwarded by the nature. Meanwhile there came a pair of white swan and sat by their side, looking into their eyes requesting them to take them too across the lake.

The craft arrived, and after trying every possibility of accommodation, they understood that at a time only two people and a swan could float across in that vehicle. So Pramarsh and Mira initiated to go first with one swan, although the swan couple were not very willing to break into two. After reaching on the bank of my side, Mira pushed back the casket towards Ana-Divi. Now, they boarded it with the other swan in hand, and made a move further. Ana could make out what was on three sides of the lake, but could not see anything very obvious on the forth side. She was very curious to know and requested Divi to sail towards their left just for few minutes, so that she could explore what was there. Divi denied and reminded her that they were suppose to reach the temple before the sunset otherwise as per the temple rules, they would not be allowed to get married if it turned dark. Shunning off this remark, Ana still insisted stubbornly to go towards her left. He gave in and they turned their casket on that side. They floated ahead and were surprised to see, the otherwise so silent and mysterious lake, ending into a huge noisy water fall which was un-surmise-able from the distance they halted their move.

Ana stood up to get an idea of the depth, but her stand shook the steadiness of the vessel and it fell with the flow of the stream. Luckily they both got stuck to the feeble rope stairs which hung through the iron rods nailed deep into the end of the land under lake. Divi was closer to the lake holding onto himself with one hand on the rope stair and one hand clutching the swan safeguarding it, followed by Ana a little further. They gave a good fight to the turbulent water, but it proved difficult to come back on the calm surfaces. Divi pulled out all his energy, encircled one arm on the rope and held swan with the same, forwarded his other hand towards Ana to pull her up, and gestured her to give her hand. Before she could do that, Suri emerged out from nowhere and held her from her back, secured her and made a move to climb up. Ana and Suri had broke up sometime ago, but he was back because he could not do without Ana. Divi felt aghast to see himself as a loser, he lost the balance and fell through the unending stream to get divulge in wide waters. Ana was saved.

I could see Divi and the swan floating dead, deep down out there.

(96) Trin Trin..Hello

The Beginning…Trin, Trin…

SHE:Helloo..
HE:- Morning !
SHE:Good morning dear!!
HE:- So, what were you upto?
SHE:Nothing much,
HE:- Really !I thought u must be busy, as u always do.
SHE:Yeah, kind of
HE:- Like what?
SHE:Not much, am filing nails, surfing net, listening to music, and…
HE:- Hey hey, wait a sec, if this is not much, what would your much be?
SHE:Oh come on, u known na, am a multi tasker..
HE:- Yeah, I know, who would know this better than me?
SHE:What do u mean???
HE:- Exactly what u understood..
SHE:I did not understand anything.
HE:- Oh come on, don’t pretend.
SHE:I never pretend.
HE:- U always do..
SHE:Oh..then what do u do?
HE:- What I do?
SHE:Have you ever been yourself truly?
HE:- Yes, always..
SHE:No, never..
HE:- Please, leave it, I don’t want to get into any fight with you.
SHE:Really!!
HE:- Yes, truly, I had called you to tell something very important..
SHE:People like u also have something important to say…ha, ha, ha
HE:- Why, what’s wrong with people like me?
SHE:Leave it, u will not be able to hear it
HE:- What, tell me?
SHE:Long list baby, u won’t be able to handle it
HE:- Oh come on, if I can handle u, I can handle the world war three..
SHE:What do u meeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnn???????????
HE:- Nothing darling, just pulling your leg, u know na, am good at that.
SHE:No, u are not, I know u are serious about what u said
HE:- Thank God, at least once, u took me seriously.
SHE:What the hell?. What do u think of yourself?
HE:- Super cool fool who fell for you.
SHE:Oh yes, certainly, now u think yourself as a fool, because u chose me, right?
HE:- Right.
SHE:No, am a fool, because I agreed to be with you.
HE:- I am a bigger fool who ever proposed you?
SHE:No, I am the biggest fool, dumb-ass on this earth to have given into you.
HE:- Thank God, u agree to this.
SHE:To what?
HE:- That you are the biggest foolll…
SHE:What, what do u want to say, I mean, what u are trying to prove? tell me, right now.
HE:- Shhuuuutt up, I didn’t call to fight, why do u always end up like this?
SHE:Who?, me, I do this, do I do it all alone on myself?
HE:- No, I agree, even I do mistakes, but most of the times its you.
SHE:Again !! see again, u want to play the same blame game, why the hell do I ever listen to u? why do I even talk to you, Oh , god, what a stupid I am to entertain such a nerd.
HE:- Because you don’t have anyone else to listen to you
SHE:Don’t tell me, u know well, how many admirers I have
HE:- Why don’t u go to them then?
SHE:Bloody hell !!!, u men, you..all are the same, hypocrites!!, you male chauvinist!! don’t u know why I am with you?
HE:- Why?
SHE:Still a why!!
HE:- Ya ya , tell me, why?
SHE:U stupid, because I ……well, leave it, u would never understand, in fact, u just don’t deserve it.
HE:- Haan, haan, I don’t, but u do, right?, do u deserve my love? no u don’t.
SHE:Then why do u talk to me, why do u even call me? just hang up, shut up, get lost, go, just go away, why the hell u ever came into my life? tell me ,tell me haan!!
HE:- (In a calmer voice)Poor girl, u decide first, what do u want, do u want me to shut up, hang up, get lost or answer u why I came into ur life?
SHE: (calming down)Umm..okey, I am obliging you ( sarcasm!!) by allowing some more time, tell me , why?
HE:- Because….
SHE:Ya..go ahead
HE:- Because….
SHE:Oh fo…common, quick
HE:- So eager to know..!!!
SHE:As if I don’t know..
HE:- U know!!
SHE:Ya , I do, but u tell me.
HE:- If u know, then y should I waste my energy..
SHE:Uuuuuuu….!!!do u want to say or should I han….??
HE:- Okey, okey, alright..here I am..I was saying, because I..lo
SHE:Now please don’t say that u truly….
HE:- Yes, I truly..
SHE:No, no, u must be kidding me
HE:- Why? don’t u trust me?
SHE:No, I don’t .
HE:- Please darling, don’t start this all over again, stop making fun of me and let me say what I have been telling you ever since I saw you, let me …
SHE:Hello, helllooooo, hellllo, I can’t hear you, voice breaking sweetie, can u be a bit louder
HE:- Hello, hello, now…can u hear me..?
SHE:Ya,.ya, its better,.tell me.
HE:- I was saying..I
SHE:What?
HE:- I …
SHE:What? can’t hear..
HE:- I know u can hear me….and I love you…
SHE:Hmm…what.? .kya..? cudn’t hear properly
Can u please repeat?
HE:- Yes, 1000 times, all my life, my honor.
SHE:Do it…
HE:- What….??
SHE:Do it I said, say 1000 times, Go ahead..,Am counting
1,2…start, start be quick
HE:- Now..!!
SHE:Yes….daaarlliinng...right now.!!
HE:- I have to rush to the office baby..
SHE:I don’t care..
HE:- Please..
SHE:No.
HE:- Plleeaase
SHE:I said start..
HE:- Okkey….I………………(1,2,3,4,5……10000 times done)
SHE:Wow , u did it my love, but don’t you think, there was something missing?
HE:- What now???, I mean, what could be missing in it darling?
SHE:Did u say all that 1000 times for me?
HE:- Of course sweetheart..
SHE:Then, why didn’t you take my name at the end even for once..
HE:- Oh….did’nt I?..i mean, I didn’t, but isn’t that understood.
SHE:No,
HE:- Please
SHE:I said No, say again 1000 times, but now end with my name each time..
HE:- Some other time darling, I gotta be going
SHE:Now, now, now,now or else
HE:- Alright…alright. Then,.get ready to marry a bankrupt…
I love you(name)….., I love you(name)….

The End..(never came)

(95) Nov 18

Ten parathas, one curry
Papad roasted in hurry
Took chatni-garlic-chilli
Forgot jam, in hurry

Butter milk, full big urn
Salt packing, gave me run
Took water in the bottle
I was going to have fun

Packed things in a rush
Joy could see the gush
Left home to the loud
Smiling self in a hush

Boarded train, inside chill
Journey became happy drill
Had fun savoring them all
Few hours of enduring thrill

(94) Nov 17 Change is inevitable

Enough, enough of my philosophy on life, love, relationships, u might have got bored of it.haina!! May be, may be not. If not, am glad, if yes, never mind, u have anyways had it. But hey hey, that doesn’t mean, am not gonna deliver any emotional stuff, I will, but kabhi-kabhi. Not so often, that u just can’t handle it and have to run for the hangover aides. Alright then, what do I write. Well, I too have a funny bone to my side, but that’s known to few. Am not sure, if I can really tickle your senses to laughter with whatever I decide to write henceforth, but I can assure you, its gotto be different. What about, what ways, what manner, I don’t know at this moment. I will let that part and experiences of my life get resurfaced which gave me a real good time and laughter indeed, be it associated to me directly or been captured from other’s life by my weird habit of observing and noting it down in memory. So, in all, its gonna be of variety and fun, hope so. Fingers crossed. You know, first I thought , let me create another blog for this and try my mind out on capturing those funnier advances I come across , over there. Second thought, why not try it out here itself, after all, I know, there are at least few of my fans ( am I hallucinating !, no yaar, I know there are ..) who do read me regularly and hence why not eat their head out rather than working hard on creating a new creed of my fans( kuch zyaada ho gaya na, never mind, its always good to be optimistic). However, I still doubt if this effort will take me places, but variety is the essence of life. And once, my friend out of personal opinion, had pointed it out to me that I like variety. Wood noted the point, and the start for you. God bless all. Flash you soon..

(93) Nov 16 -Every Prayer is Answered

Hard to believe, but I read somewhere that every prayer is heard by the Almighty. What is a prayer then? Every thought, every gesture we make is observed by HIM and replied accordingly. That means, we should not let grow the negative energy which results into the bad vibrations and thereby reaching him again in some form, a prayer! And every prayer is answered, sooner or later, with the best response. Few will agree, many will not, but I don’t intend to get into this discussion over here today, save it for keeps, may be we can elaborate it later on.
So, the crux is EVERY PRAYER IS ANSWERED.
Knowingly, unknowingly, intentionally, unintentionally, willingly, unwillingly, under the influence of circumstances, owing to the mental, emotional, physical state of one, out of nature, because of habit, under pressure, and following many such lame but strong reasons we let ourselves get enslaved to the negative energies present in the surroundings and within our own quintessence. Then we suffer. And we complain to the Omnipresent for being biased and not listening to our pleas. We don’t realize, what we got was the outcome of something requested by our thoughts, done by our deeds and rightly deserved by our karmas.
Set right the thought first followed by the action and things will fall in place themselves. And if they don’t show up the way we had planned, leave them up to HIM because he has made some better plans.
The flow of negatives had been very high in my arena during last few days and the fortnight. Events shattered me and shook my mainstay, which otherwise had withstood many a big torments confronted, but this time it was worse. I gave into the series of happenings and kept falling into the dig of self pity, culpability, re-approaching myself with stricter reprimands, and admonishing the fate for everything. I tried not to exist- virtually, I did everything to escape from the reality, but it kept striking me back at every turn. I had two choices, accept it or keep running from and crossing it until I would have finally lost to it ending into worse outcomes. Most of the times, running away is the easier option, but how far I could have darted myself, it had to meet an end eventually. I accepted it, I agreed to believe that few things are beyond man’s verve and have to be left completely onto the creator, because he knows the reason best, behind choosing certain chain of events to occur in one’s life. I chose to keep flowing at my own pace, with my own set of values and beliefs, because even if I stop to exist virtually, the truth will remain as true as my life, my existence until the higher power decides to cease my breath. And hence, no more of hide and seek in name of fate, relationships, sorrows. Why not live it, face it the way it comes with more cheerful, bold and welcoming face rather than the sad, pretending, the compulsive one, because in either case it has to be led until the last breath. Why not chose to fight the odd out and search more the merrier? If not found, let it be invented through the minutest deal to the biggest barter of life.
Also, I should not forget what I always sermonize-“whatever happens, happens for good”. And above all, I have heard and been advised a very good thing so often which emphasizes on being more liberal to life and that says, “Believe in forgetting and forgiving”. - Easier said than done-, I know, this is what most of us will say, but if tried, it will certainly reap peace. I think, this is one thing which benefits two peripheries, it eases our heart off the bad feelings by forgetting and thereby sending less cursing thoughts to the other person who did damage. It unburdens our core when we forgive, leading to the state wherein we don’t want to settle any more scores for the unjust done to us. On the other hand, when we are wrong, and not pardoned even after the apologies, we should still practice the same thing, “forget and forgive”. we know we have forfeited ourselves for the offence, and forwarded penitence for the same, we should stop badgering ourselves and practice positive thinking, because every thought creates some vibration and reaches the omnipresent in a form of a request, a prayer. And hence, no negative thought should be created, cared for or sent through to avoid the depressing energies flowing further. And to aid the thought of optimism, we always have some important, unforgettable, beautiful, immortal, enthralling moments of our lives to look upon and receive good vibes from, the way they had given us when they were very much breathing and bustling with us, in us.

(92) Nov 16

आया हूँ लम्हों के लिए
देखूं की तुम कैसी हों
        अब भी मुस्कुराती हों
        या आँखें सुजाये बैठी हों


क्या अब भी बातें करती हों
बेवजाह सारी दुनिया से
        या मेरी आवाज़ सुनने को
        कान लगाये बैठी हों


आईने से मुह मोड़ लिया
या अब भी सजती सवरती हों
        आकर तुम्हे एक नज़र देखू
        क्या आस लगाये बैठी हों


भूल गयी हों तुम मुझको
की हूँ मैं तुम्हारे खयालो मैं
        मिल जाऊ मैं फिर से शायद
        क्या सांस लगाए बैठी हों


बावरी हों अरी,तुम ना जानो
मैं आज़ाद परिंदा हूँ
        आऊंगा ना फिर दुबारा
        क्यों ख्वाब सजाये बैठी हों

(91) Nov 13

Endless journey, how do I move
Guide me, teach me, stand by my side
The hurdles, the set backs aren’t too less
Fuel my spirit, toughen my stride

Sought my thought, kill the feel
Empty my heart, fill up my head
Brace the will, slay the whimsies
To my sentiments, give a shred

Make me walk, stop my talk
Pour into me the mettle so rave
Make me do, deeds for needy
Let me sweat until my grave

(90) Nov 11

हथेलियों मैं मुह छिपाके
उंगलियों से आँख दबाके
अन्धकार तोह ढूंड लिया
     रात कहाँ से लाओगे


बातें करके बड़ी बड़ी
बन बैठे हों संत बड़े
जब आएगी त्याग की बारी
    जस्बात कहाँ से लाओगे


दुनिया से उसे चुरा लाये
मजबूरी तुम्हारा प्यार था
वोह भी तुमसे प्यार करे
     हालात कहाँ से लाओगे


चल दिए सब छोड़ छाड़ के
औरो पर एहसान किया
खुदा बनने की कोशिश है
     औकात कहाँ से लाओगे

(89) Nov 9

Something that I had never approved of
Something that only you could have created
Something that I would have never chosen
Something that only you had the right upon
Something that I would have never asked for
Something that only you could have given
Something that broke my core
Something that eased your sore
"your absence"

(88) Nov 2

ना जुबां बोल पाए
ना समझ मैं कुछ आये
कोई कुछ कहे, मशवरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

पानी के बुलबुले है
या मन से बहतें आंसू
वजूद जस्बातों का अब ज़रा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

बाहों का आलिंगन
होठों की छुअन
हर जस्बा तेरा हमें कटघरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

उमीदो की रुसवाई
ख़्वाबों का जनाज़ा
एतबार का होसला कुछ  डरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

आँखों मैं खून आया
लफ्ज़ों मैं ज़हर बरसे
तेरे दिल मैं मेरा प्यार अब मरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

भूलना जो तुझे चाहू
कैसे मैं भुला पाऊ
मेरी रगों मैं तेरा दर्द अब भी हरा सा लगे
जाने क्यों दिल ग़म से भरा सा लगे

(87) The Present

Very different day it was. Morning passed away quickly. Afternoon, I gathered some information from my friend. And in evening after having a phone chat with my brother, I went to the park with Charvi. There I met my new neighbour and we both shared our disliking about the city we are in.During conversation, I confessed to her that I feel socially detached in this new place and miss my friends from Hyderabad. I had no idea that soon I would be getting some news from there. Throughout the day, I was feeling very low and it ended leaving me more forlorn.

After serving dinner to Charvi , I called my mom and immediately after I had hung up the phone, I called back my friend in Hyderabad who was constantly trying my number in the meanwhile. She enquired about my health and then after pausing for a while she asked if I got the news about another colleague-family friend of ours. My denial made her inform me about the same. She said that the other friend of ours met with an accident this after noon while returning from tirupati. And before I could ask anything further, a lightning flash of that cheerful lady crossed my mind, my thoughts, my eyes.

Woman with a sweet smile, plain attitude, unique conversing style and ample desire to learn from and mix with every new person being introduced to her. I still remember every meeting of ours, be it the dinner parties at our place, the office gatherings or any event at other friends’s house. She came up with the very same traditional south Indian décor to her persona added with her coy but confident attitude, every time she came across. I always found her involved so honestly either in her husband’s concern or her two little children’s worry, but both layered with proud possession of being the one to take that. She could hardly manage to speak Hindi and I could not speak telugu, so we always conversed in English, I still reckon that peculiar accent she spoke which gave idea about her brief stay in US.

Next line from my friend was ,“ she passed away”. I was shocked. Could’nt believe myself, but yes it was true. It’s only effortless to imagine someone’s death when that person is a stranger, but drastically difficult to accept when that person is known to you. I was not very close to her, but we were friends. I had not spoken to her for long, but the news shook me down, it seemed as if it was only yesterday when all of the friends had gathered at my place for dinner before I left hyerabad. Infact , every occassion of our meeting is replaying itself in my mind so rapidly now, that I fail to believe it all the more that she is not alive. Since last two hours, am unable to think about anything else but her. And what a sad end of life, she was coming back from Tirupati with her Mom,Dad and her son, one and half year old son. They stopped somewhere to buy something for the child. Her father and her son got down to go to some shop and she was seated in the car along with her mother. A lorry came rushing and rammed into the car killing two innocent lives. Why?, what was their fault? Nothing at all. I know, I know this is nothing new, everyday, every single day we read, hear, see an learn about hundreds of accidents and killings, and at times feel sad about them but then we forget and be normal, but how do we manage to do so? Because those are not known to us. At times, even these stranger lives leave me shattered, but I do overcome. Loss of someone known to you is hard to get along with. Imagine, if I am so much disturbed, what those people must be going through for whom she was their life, who loved her more than all, what about her husband, her kids, two young kids?. I am unable to accept this cruelty of nature. I am feeling so helpless. I know things will settle down with time, but right now it is just not settling in me. I am feeling so bad for everyone out there who must be going through the trial of bidding the farewell to this good human being.

Life is so uncertain. Time and again, I learn this, realize this and promise myself every time that from now I will live through the heart, make the best of every day, love everyone and will make the least complaints because I am still blessed to live, but you know what, I forget, I forget it very soon. The fast mechanized material life makes me a robot every time and only such losses reminds me that I have to live more meaningfully rather than successfully.

We had our tickets booked from Udaipur to Delhi for last Monday. Number of times we thought of postponing it to Tuesday, infact everyone insisted us to do so and we had almost decided to do it, but something pulled us back and we sticked to our schedule. We reached home safely. Same train which left on Tuesday met with a massive accident and claimed so many lives plus leaving many injured. News kept flashing throughout the day on television. Whole day, I was thinking what if, what if , what if?. What if we would have changed our program, what if I would have died in that accident, what if something still worse would have taken place?.. I know, this is called pessimism , but tell you, its not so. I have been saved almost four times earlier from similar situations and hence it pushes me to think, what if?..You know, am not scared of dying, not at all. But what petrifies me is the thought of the pain I would leave behind. If not many, am sure of few those loved beings who would certainly not want to acknowledge the news of my demise. And the biggest fear I hold in my death is leaving my child behind. May be I am sounding selfish, but this is what I believe that no one else can give my child the love I hold for her. This may be my illusion because everyone else in family loves her, in fact her dad showers life on her, but still, the selfish mother in me never allows to accept that anyone else can ever look after her better than I do, and so I do not want to die soon. Who is stopping me then?, no one, I know. But , I said, life is so uncertain, and time and again it keeps proving the same, and ticks the reminder—live it , live it, its just today, the day you are in , nothing else you have the hold on, so live it completely just today. No plans, no strategy would work when HE will throw his card. And yes, how can I, so easily forget this, when we have already faced a big inundation of life just 15 days back. Was not that also a token of the fact that nothing is certain except the supreme power and his ways.

So…live it today, live it all, live through heart, speak out your dreams, share your feelings, ask for forgiveness, give your blessings, forget the hatred, kiss your child, hug your mom, speak to your dad, pardon your foe , care for your friend, listen to the loved ones, give time to your people, do everything you could have done yesterday, you can still do yoday,now, but have left it for tomorrow .Yesterday is the past, gone and buried, future is not known, doesn’t exist, what you have in your hand is just today, this day, this moment, the present- may be that’s why we call it a present- a gift. Value it….

(86) Return to origin

Unvoiced, ill-omened heartbeats
Poignant pale eyes
Torrent roared by few drops
Abolishing the within

Barricade so rigid
Broke into pieces
When faced by itself
The mirror fell shattered

Words never came to rescue
Yet again got stuck to tongue
No wonder, thou seen alone
Served rightly with deserved

Regrets! Why? No sense it holds
Nothing can thus be brought back here
Deeds flown with wrong waves
No tides did ever take the U-turn

Illusions still breathing
Fake airs doesn’t long for last
Tempest or zephyr, neither should matter
Last few gulps, suck in fast

Wet identity, sulking in sand
The wind, the water, pulling it in
Speak heart, make mark
The soul is enrooted back to origin

(85) युही

हलकी सुनहरी मासूम सी बूंदें
मचलके, बरसके , बिखर ही गई
किसी ने चाहे हों रुदन मैं बहाई
किसी और की खुशी की वजह बन गई

मोम के पिघलने का सिलसिला जो चला
परवाने की आरजू कुछ और निखर गई
किसी को जगमाती महफिल का मिला आलम
किसी को इश्क मैं मरने की सज़ा तन गई

नज़रों ने उनके हुस्न का कुछ ऐसा बयान दिया
दरमियान मैं जीती जागती मूरत सवर गई
जिस मासूमियत पे वफाओ की कसमें उठाई गयी
वही नामुराद हट के दघा कर गई

महफिल से उठ के जाना, यु अचानक इस तरह
उससे बाबस्ता यह पैगाम दे गया
कभी ना उसकी खुसबू से महकेगा अब यह आलम
जाते जाते आखरी सलाम दे गया

(84) At Times

At times,
You find yourself at the crossroads which leads nowhere, no matter;
You choose to tramp on any of the path.
You are lost and fail to find the very cause of your own subsistence,
Nothing and no one appears of any importance to you

You are puzzled to see those developments of events, which,
You had assumed would never occur in your life.
You are answerless to those questions which arises out of your own conscience,
You do not want to agree to the wrong you might have done, but you surely know what right you could have chosen instead.

The tears keep rolling without the foster of the specific cause which could probably ease them out, but they don’t want any such reason, because they know they just want to gush out of that ready to explode heart and keen to burn themselves- eyes.
The flow aims to be giant, so violent that it could wash you off your feet and land you in the place where no one knows you and nothing really bothers too.

You have everyone around, your family, friends, well-wishers, trying to convince you that it happens, it occurs, its just one part of life, but you, your mind fail to hear or acknowledge a single word. You only know, that you have lost the thing, time is gone, and so the opportunity to get things in better form has also been buried.
Whether you did for yourself, or for others, in good faith or better reason, for one’s good or good for all, whatever it may be, but you know it occurred, it happened.
No ones word, or no ones hug comforts you because you are not comfortable with your self within, you are agitated at your own actions and decisions.

You feel dumped by the almighty for no faults of yours. You give your best, whether happily or not, you don’t do any wrong and still when you are cheated by turns of incidents, you loose the heart to continue. You find yourself in the hurricane of self darted doubts about your own intentions, self-dedications and see yourself at self mercy
for being absconded by the destiny.

You feel lost for eternity, no physical or material thing matters anymore because the fight now grows to the level where you are at one end with god at the other and you want only Him(GOD) to answer all your why’s? Why me, why this, why now, why so, why not that, and still many whys?
You don’t want any other person to try to make you understand why things occurs the way they do, because you feel every logic given in that context is either a fake statement or a misleading judgment which can only console you momentarily but might leave you more weary for ever after and hence you seek a reply from the very source which creates the situations for such questions to arise?
AT times, you want only HIM to settle down the turbulence he has put you into.


You might later feel that everything was perfect and nothing was so disturbing which should put you to dump yourself in the dark confine of sorrows, but for that time, for those moments you fail to agree with each and every argument because you feel so dead inside, no senses so sensible, no emotions justified, no feelings pinches the blood, no logics come to bid, only your soul at work which traumatizes you up and throws you down, knots you in your self contests and jerks you with the stone stiff realities which , indeed , are the only lights which gives foresight in such threatening circumstances and hence you strive to seek for that higher meaning of being what you truly are and not what you have been made into over the years.

(83) Dil halka ho jayega

kuch khatti, kuch tikhee
kuch kadvi baatein yaad karo
dil halka ho jayega,
jehdo jafai ki baatein yaad karo

achhi yaadein satayengi
has has kar tumhe rulayengi
gale se lagake bhikhre hue sapne
rusvai ki raatein yaad karo

bhul jao khusi ke un pal ko
socho na voh kabhi aaye the
masoom us chehre ko nikalo zehen se
unse babasta gham ki saugatein yaad karo

dil halka ho jayega
kuch nafrat se unko yaad karo

(82) Memories

In the very recent past, my friend whom I was talking to, very sadly lamented on the lack of no such drug which could help erase the memories. I agreed.
Today, while reading the newspaper, I came across an article which says that soon the scientists will be able to declare the discovery on one such drug which can help remove the unhappy or embarrassing memories, thus relieving the possessor of the same.
It claimed about the experiment already been conducted on animals for testing it which proved positive and as human brains had similar sheaths, such drug treatment would certainly help human sufferers to “overwrite” those memories arraying from petty issues, bitter fights, someone’s death, the humiliation or of the failed love affair- with beautiful thoughts.
Well, then counting to see that day and looking forward for my people who truly needs this drug, let’s hope if ever successful, this should help people positively.
Inputs, suggestions and more info on the matter, most welcome.

(81) Pledge proven false

It fell short of word
It fell short of time
Hey look at that twinkle
See that falling chime

It dangled all this long
On the hook of hope
Draped in rag of faith
Twigged to rely-on rope

Survival was not tough
The aim was in the sight
Perfidy in name of day
Was all that gave the fight

That day came rushing by
And stood straight right infront
With nothing in the hand
But a prompting grunt

To strike the chord of memory
And accept the fact with loath
One promise has again been broken
Someone has forgotten the oath

(80) Apprehensions Died

The apprehensions I held for long,
Stands no true, not now, any more.
You may go overboard, and issue my name
Wherever and everywhere you want.


Sounds condescending, patronizing !
No, it is not.
Because the fact of this time is,
“You are not”

The walls of my silence, then intruded;
Now is the picture of the distressed remnants .
I may behold, I may forget,
But that is something, you should not care.

The skies will remain,
Where they stood since ages;
the difference with the earth I hold,
Is the roofless, sky-less top.

I can heal the wounds to dry,
Who will, then but, peel off the dead skin?
Someone of the kindest may do me that favor too,
But the scars of the lesion will remain unabashed.

(79) BRUXXELS-AMSTERDAM

Sorry friends, i could not write much about this two places, though there were few interesting things worth watching But sometimes, you just dont feel like doing anything, just feel like lying idle all the time. Probably that's the phase am swinging in right now. Well, the only good thing with me this moment, is that am back home and happy to be.So, will talk to you all a while later, not again with any boring thing.Till then,Take care

(78) PARIS

Hey, all. i dont know how many of you had read the blog i posted this morning from Paris. And those who received through other means too, i doubt if they received the full post cos it reflected a part to me then diappeared. n e ways, not bothering you again with the same thing, paraphrasing it for those who missed my boring story. as i said, though not very willing due to ill health and other reasons, i still managed to fly to `paris with Charvi where i had to wait for few hours for Dheeraj who was coming from London. and i had the longest sleep of my life after reaching the hotel. i slept at around 12 in the afternoon and woke up next day morning 7.30 Well, you know, it was not really interesting all this while except for one interesting meeting with a very cheerful girl `niharika, daughter of a brigadier who flew with me in the same flight from delhi and was going through the same torcherous long wait for more than an hour to clear the immigration. we chatted on same topic for all the while, we parted exchanging the numbers. and yes the last thing which i had mentioned was my bad behaviour of a spoil sport ruining Charvi's and Dheeraj's fun and mood. One of my very good friend had advised me once that if you will try to feel good from very within , things will appear good all around. well, i tried to do same, not very successful, but it will work, am sure.
I really didnt make much of the days in Paris, except for showing teeth on every click of the cam, grabbing a bite here and there every other while and cribing to be back home after every hour to which dheeraj really lost his cool and offered me to fly back home myself, though he changed his mind when i agreed.
We reached Brussels this afternoon and i felt quite good. Reasons-(1) trying to overrule my health and mood over the fun of two others and feel happy, and (2) brussels is really beautiful, very ethnically european, old architecture, old european streets still intact and quite moderate people. i found it much more appealing than Paris. We roamed around the nearby places, thankfully the hotel is in the heart of the city.We saw the Grand Place, the must see in brussels, its very beautiful, heart beholder. I must say, people over here stay fit more due to their constant walking they do for so long distances. my god, i get tired so soon. but i know, if i have to see places, i have to pain my feet and ache my back, or else better stay in room as i did in Paris. Chalo, will catch u back, with something interesting, i know all this was real boring,but i logged in just to tell you all my folks there, that am all alive and not yet dead as forececasted by my daughter's dream.Cya

(77) LIFE IS IMPORTANT

"A child can teach you best lessons of your life"

So casually and so often, we talk about the ending of our life. At times, we joke about it, at times we use it as a threat, sometimes we say just for the sake of fun and at times, people mean it when they say it. But, never, one of us think about the repercussions of such an outcome on the lives of other’s which are attached to ours.
It’s seriously not as easy as we take, while we give a statement of uncertainty of life owing to reasons whatsoever. I have seen people who ersatz while saying that they damn do care of life and pretend as if nothing would change around by the loss of mere more of one being.
And yes, why should I talk about others, when I do the same many a times. Often when am annoyed, I do tell my people that they would only realize my importance when I be no more. I don’t know what I really mean to explain to them, but may be I get some kind of assurance of myself being important through the gentle reactions I receive in retort. And so the story never ends. For a time, it appears in a comparison form, at times as a threat and sometimes taking the shape of the outcome of agonies I behold for the feeling of being Un-important (probably my own illusions or perhaps the situation creates the feel).
But what happened yesterday was a lesson to me. Midnight 3.30, my daughter started crying loud with her eyes still closed and calling for me. She was asking me, “ mamma, aap kyu mar gaye, mujhe aap chahiye”(why did you die mamma, I want you)”. She repeated it almost 5-7 times while I was trying to make her open her eyes and look around that her mom was very much alive and with her, for her. After sometime, she cooled down and was relaxed to see me. I wiped her tears, hugged her tight and told her that am with her and will always be, and that I will never leave her. She was fine then, but did not sleep for quite sometime. She lied down with her eyes wide open starring at the ceiling. I asked her what she was thinking. She was still traveling in her bad dream which she had gone through few minutes back. I asked her to tell me the details though I was not sure if she would be able to tell me exactly what had happened, because this was the first time she had woken up from her dream and I explained to her what a dream is like. I told her, it’s just like a movie we watch in the movie hall, the only difference is that you see this movie with your eyes closed when you are sleeping. She bought my logic and then tried to explain me the series of incidents occurred to her in the dream.
:-She told me that mamma ( I ) was driving the car, she was sitting in the front passenger seat, her grandmother was in the back seat, and suddenly I hit the car into something very huge. I started bleeding profusely from my head, face and my hands, my fingers(she specified). My head hit the steering very hard, and I lied dead over there. She was trying to wake me up, but I didn’t listen to her and laid silent dead though she was crying like mad. :-

After she had done telling her part, she paused for a moment and asked me if I would ever die and leave her alone like I did in the dream. She said she loves me very much and she needs me always near herself. She told me, “ mamma, if you will die, who will love me, who will kiss me, who will feed me food, who will buy me new toys and whom will I play with”. I was into unstoppable tears, speechless, I hugged her as tight as I could and kissed her all the more. I promised her that I will never leave her alone and will be there always loving her, caring for her and guiding her throughout her life whenever she needs me.

I know, this promise can’t be kept forever, but I would pray I should be allowed by the almighty to fulfill this promise at least till that time, by when my three year old kid grows up enough to understand that there’s not much a difference between the physical presence and the absence of the one whom you love and the one who loves you, because love is eternal and will stay forever.

One should think of others as well, while taking a bad decision ( like concluding it )about their life. It may not be important for you, but it might be the lifeline for someone else.

(76) LOST POST

While searching for something, i found this peice of writing. I dont remember when did I write this, I can only make out why I wrote this...here it is..



जब दिमाग बाकी सारे ज़रियों पर हावी हों जाता है,तब इंसान सिवाय अपने बनाये हुए दायरों के बीच भटकने के अलावा कुछ और नही कर पाता है, और इसीलिए उसे कभी कबार जीवन की सबसे जियादा अहम् चीज़ की नजदीकी का भी एहसास नही हों पाता , और अगर कोई वो बताना चाहे तब भी , इंसान उस बात से सहमति नही जुटा पाता, क्योंकि उसे ख़ुदके साथ कभी अच्छा होने की उम्मीद ही नही होती.और अंत यही की वह ख़ुद ही के मन के अन्धकार के भवर मैं खो जाता है। पर सत्य तोह फिर भी उतना ही सत्य रहता है जितना की वह बिन बताये अपने वजूद मैं सत्य होता है .जताने से , कहने से, या छुपाने से किसी भी सत्य मैं कोई बदलाव नही आता.

(75) FIRST TIME EXPERIENCES...!!

First hand experience of anything good or bad is mostly unforgettable.
It has been killing hot this summer in almost every corner of the country. And same of the north is nothing less known for its nuisance. For me it was the first time exposure to such an extreme live through. Last few days had been unbearable even with the aid of AC and coolers. Water dashed in people’s sweat, hurried through labor’s tears, rushed in children’s cry, melted from freezed bottles, dropped from soar of my burnt hand, but did not fall from the sky. Every day people prayed to the gods of rain to be kind and to the lord of sun to be less merciless. But nothing really changed except for the fake rains it showed last evening and a hope giving shower this morning. Though they were the breather in the gallows, but the after effect left us all with more suffocating climate.

Dheeraj had to leave for Udaipur this evening and hence he asked me to drop him to the station. My mother in law and my daughter accompanied us. It did not take long for us to reach the station. Dheeraj had already warned me that it might take me long while returning due to the peak hour and the nesting traffic jam midway which occurs due to the ongoing flyover construction. As soon as we dropped him and took a U-turn to start for home, it turned stormy all around. Winds blew crazily throwing dust and dirt in the way. As I have not driven much in this new place, I got a jerk seeing the dusty cloud in front of the car and thought “will I reach home safely?”. But then, this was the test of my driving skills and opportunity for my adventure desire. With windows glasses up and AC on, I drove at the balanced speed keeping pace with the adjacent vehicles and chatting with my mom-in-law. After around 8 kilometers of drive, we met the traffic jam..the huge one. And that was the real test, which I cleared very nicely(boasting about myself na..!!, I know.i know.)

Real fun began just after that. It started pouring in with medium fall and then rose to the higher and higher scale. Oh..!!.it was majestic.!! Just very tempting. I don’t know how people manage to drive while its alluringly raining outside. How can they just sit back and keep accelerating? For me, it was just like getting pulled between strings. On one hand, I had to reach home early –safely and on the other, I just wanted to jump down from the car and get drenched in the downpour. Till now, I always enjoyed traveling rains as a passenger and not the driver. So , this was my first ever experience of driving amidst drizzle while controlling my persuasion to get wet. Years back, I had the fun of playing with falling waters while riding my scooty. Though that experience was also not any less enthralling, but this one was completely different altogether. You know, its like choosing between your two best passions and giving up to the one which falls in priority. In fact same thing happens in other facets of life sometimes when you have to choose between two best people, two best friends, two best jobs, two close decisions, two dearest emotions….eetc.Oh..oh…am going on the other track.. For keeps, for keeps..!!

So..i was talking about the rains and the drive..it was real fun.Infact, I offered my mom-in-law in midway to take the steering and let me get down to get mad with the waters. She gave me a caustic look and asked me to concentrate on driving. Though I could not bathe in rains, but I decided not to give amiss to my other persuasion of eating pani-puri which was budding all the more in such proximities with bucket- down fall. I drove straight to the Pani-puri wala shop and waited there for almost 20 minutes because
they had encountered good amount of destruction due to winds and hence were resetting things in place. Thankfully, ..the wait paid off and we savored the pani-puri, alloo tikki and moved out with mango dry-fruit shake which was real yummy.Came home and I went straight to the balcony .Thanks to the rains, it made me feel good about, at least the physical beauty of that city, which I utterly don’t like. Long wet roads, wet cars, bright lights, muddy smell…and everything so soothing around…it appeared very beautiful. Such milieu can make even the stone-hearted person feel romantic, feel nostalgic, and can give a craving to be with the loved-ones..

I hope this spell of water doesn’t stop like yesterday. It should now keep falling and spreading the drops of relief, happiness and love all around.

(74) NEW PLACE

Quite a long break, isn’t it! Yeah, I know. To be honest, time passed by like a skit on my plans after leaving Hyderabad. Not all so unfulfilling, but less things came as desired, leaving aside few beautiful events.
Not later than I had disclosed the news of leaving Hyderabad and shifting to Noida, calls started pouring in with more of concerning tone about our movement(to noida) rather than congratulating us for the new development(dheeraj’s carrier growth).Every caller raised the trepidation involving the weather, social life in north, and most importantly our security. And this was more prominent because of all the media reports which were telecasted in the recent past about different crime stories which took place in Noida, Delhi and surrounding areas.People’s worry added as a strong supporting to my hundreds of excuses for not shifting to Noida. Reason unknown or rather curtailed, I basically never liked north part of India for living. And no one knows better than me how difficult it has been for me to set myself and my house over here.
After shedding buckets of tears in vain, at last I had to move in here and so I did.Initial 20 days we were put up in a hotel during which we searched for the accommodation to shift in. Every visit to a new place brought me across varying views by the residents, nearby vendors, realty agents about the security concern. Some advised it was bad to stay in Delhi, some said not good to stay in Indirapuram and many said it was worse to live in Noida. We had a tough time to decide and finalise the house.During all these days, I picked up every possible bad news from the newspaper and highlighted it to Dheeraj trying to make him realize that he has done a mistake by choosing the career option here. But this exercise would have hardly helped me because ultimately I had to live back here.
After shifting our households, I went to Udaipur for 10 days while Dheeraj was in London.Came back, settled the things and then I went to Gujarat for almost a month and have come back last week. Moving around like this was perhaps the act of hiding myself from the reality that has actually fallen upon me and that is that I have to live here.
I have been thinking over it all this time, is it really such a bad place to live because the evidences says so And/Or it has been hyped to me by my self hatred plus spreaded fear about the crime by the people.
If I go by the number then, during last three months, I have come across the news of not less than 10 rape cases,3 murder cases and around 15 theft cases in and around this place, though I stay in so called Posh and safe locality wherein NH is just 5 minutes from my building, infact visible from my balcony, to the adjacent is a big shopping mall and in the complex itself the security system is of high tightened up level. People are of the opinion that whatever level of personal security you beef up for yourself, be assured about your insecurity if you fall in jurisdiction of Uttar Pradesh and Delhi police or for that matter police in entire North. But isn’t it what they say for the Police all over India, leaving of course some officials for exceptions? God..am so so confused and baffled with all such talks that I have stopped reminding myself that am living in this part of the country. I don’t know, how much is the truth and what level is of fib, because there are lakhs of people who are already living here since ages and that too happily. Friend of mine says that fear is in my mind and not in the society, so trusting those words, and on the note of hopes, I herewith start the new chapter of my being and look forward to have a safe and happy living in the place of my bad-choice list. Will catch u soon..

(73) GOOD BYE HYDERABAD...!!

Hey friends, do you remember I told u during feb about my intuition regarding our movement..there it comes..we are leaving Hyderabad.Last day,last night...away from this place next morning flight. I have lived some beautiful moments in this city.Mixed feeling about going away, but have no choice.Career shifts your life in bags, often with the thankful help of packers and movers.Dheeraj moved out last week and my household got packed and moved yesterday.Am wandering in the empty house in midst of hundreds of memories i built through experiences during my three years stay in Hyderabad.Frankly speaking, am completely blank right now.My heart is sushed with indifferent emotions and my mind is lacking off words ..I think i should better say bye now and get back to you all later with settled emotions.But to conclude, I can only say I will miss Hyderabad, infact we all will miss it a lot.Even Dheeraj was very disillusioned during his last week here, but life has to move on and so do we have to..Will catch u all soon.BYE