(223) Time to go...Bye for now

I begin by quoting Khalil Gibran from his work ‘The Prophet’ which says- “You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”

I don’t fully agree to the above said. But yes, often I talk (for me talking is writing here) to confront the dilemmas battling in my mind about certain topic at that given point and time. Also, writing is very liberating for me. It is like unburdening my-self, it’s like talking to the unseen (not the unknowns), it’s like singing out my heart on paper, it’s like opening up, it’s like dancing on the rhythm of words on the floor of paper with pen making the music.

But, more often these days, I have found myself being unfaithful to my writing. Or rather, let me put it like this. I am not being very honest on this platform. Though earlier too, I have not been my complete self here, and as also mentioned by one of my friend reader that I keep things with their ambiguity here, nevertheless, I never tried to cover up for what I wanted to write. But now, I feel, I have started doing that, which is hurting myself more than who reads me.

So, this being the primary reason to give a halt until I resume my original panache and candor regarding my platform here, I may also quote the second reason. (The reason I am putting stress again and again on the word ‘here’, because this problem is this platform specific. I have other podium/s, where I write without being prejudiced and without the fear of being judged.) I need to develop same frankness and sincerity for this space as well.

The other reason to pull back my arms from reaching to the keyboard is very important and necessary. You will kill me for saying this, but yes I may not be able to call it out here, have reason to that too, you see. So, that is for keeps.

Excuse me....., Seems, I have kinda fell in love with the words of Khalil Gibran…pitching one more of his piece..

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

I don’t know, how long I am gonna take to come back here and talk to you all. Not sure, if I will at all stroke this space again. But yes, am definitely going to miss my writing streak, miss my talking through blogs, and would certainly want to come back here as soon as possible…….but with new vigor and vitality.Meanwhile, before shutting off, I will check and publish those drafts lying in there, written at different times but could not be put to the fore.

Don’t hammer me sweet, I really want you to read this too..again him Khalil Gibran saying-“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ….nice na..i love this one..

Also, my dearies, please excuse me, if I simply obliterate or veil these blogs sometimes.( you know na, how idiotic and dim-witted I act at times).

One last which has really touched me…(am totally in Gibran mood today you see…a fan in the following huh..!!!)…..saying this- “One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”

Lot’s and lot’s of love for reading me and supporting me.Let the new year ring in with bunches of happiness and success, peace of mind and fulfilled wishes and succeded efforts for everyone. God bless. :)

(222) Be positive

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”-Martin Luther King Jr. 

Very galvanizing and very inspiring. In a way or more, the thought can be applied to perk up the poignancy in life. It is often heard- "better said than done", but for self recuperation, the above said may better be ignored, and instead, some action need to be put in place. No peak can be climbed in a day or by a high jump, every food needs its own time to get cooked with an edible outcome. Patience is the key and faith is the force to unlock the bolt that has entrapped the joy and bliss. We need to discover them again and again whenever the need evolves.

(221) Giving up

Giving up, many a times forms a very much a part of being considerate as well. Not all understand the same, but yes it does. It also is the outcome of the adore towards someone, that the other one has to sacrifice one or many a things. And often, for producing the evidence of love, one ends up giving up the very one he loves.

(220) I so much love you

Have seen him addressing me caustically at times,

But could hardly believe the words to be true

And soon after, could feel in his words-his rue

Only for the reason that he loves me too

Oh endearing man- I so much love you…

(219) “You can always take a U-turn in life”

I was reading Manisha Koirala’s interview in the Times. She mentioned about having come across a sign board that read “You can always take a U-turn in life”. She talked very encouraging things and the stated about her inspiration to move on after winning over the cancer. She indeed is a strong person.

Well, when I thought about the above said read, I felt that it’s not practically possible to take a real U turn in life for most of the things occurred. But yes, definitely it can be practiced for those paths which had left us with creating happiness for others and thereby for ourselves…we can certainly try and lead more positive life on the basis of all the good things we did in past and of all the good things happened to us in the years gone by. Worth giving a try!

(218) You do not vanish

What if it was like- a chance-one last time!

And you would have seen me, grappling like a famished

Oh please, if that happens, you do not vanish.

What if it was like a bid- walking down the aisle!

And you would have seen me, dressed up so clannish

Oh please, if that happens, you do not vanish.

What if it was like an ask- you demanding gift!

And you would have seen me, kissing you in lavish

Oh please, if that happens, you do not vanish.

What if it was like- dying in your hold!

And you would have seen me, gladly getting perish

Oh please, if that happens, you do not vanish.

(217) Stealing- 'the concord within'

When a theft occurs, the causing party rejoices the gain and the losing party mourns the loss. Generally we associate the term burglary with the theft of the material custodies. But we hardly think of it in terms of something beyond the substance and object.

Last year, a house maid who was working at my place then, had stolen my gold ring and few other things within a span of few days, when I was busy preparing for my brother’s wedding. And when I realized, it was too late and also, I had to leave for the wedding. Though the material loss hurt me for a while, but what disturbed me more was the betrayal caused by her. I trusted her blindly and so I do with every single maid whom I appoint for work. And I explain the same to them while appointing that don’t breach my trust, if you need something, tell me, and I will provide it in the best ways possible, and so I have done whenever the need has arisen. Over a period of time, I forgot the incident but it left me with a habit of being a little extra vigilant with housemaids, which frankly speaking, is a pain.

Two days back, something that belonged to Charvi went missing. No outsider had entered the house that day except my house maid. I called her and enquired about the same and she denied of knowing anything about it. The loss of the material thing did not really bothered me that much as did the breach of trust once again. I was perturbed the whole day. I wanted to just speak it out to her or at-least to someone that I am hurt. I wanted to ask her if she had taken it and if yes, she could have asked for and I would have provided. She shouldn’t have stolen that. I never keep a watch on her. I go for bath or do my other work while she is around and never follow her to the door when she leaves. I know, to some it may sound too rubbish of me to get emotional about actions caused by people like housemaids, car cleaner and cook. But so I am. I get marred by every single person and deceiving deed caused by them, if I have planted faith in them. Often, my mom in law, my neighbor and friends asks me to be more practical and less emotional when dealing with such people. I have been criticized by other family members too at times, for treating my housemaids like my family members. And yes, I have tried few times to remain more detached with them, but I simply fail. I feel bad if I don’t talk to them every-day, if I don’t listen to what they have to share and if I don’t treat them nicely. I am even left hurt when I scold them once in a while. I try to pamper them out the other day by doing something nice to them. And I am sure, there are many people like me who treat these people the same way or in a much better way. I have seen my mom taking so good care of those people working as domestic help at her house.

And perhaps that is the reason, why I feel hurt when I am cheated. But this time, that particular feeling made me think in a completely diverse mode. We see that, when people lose their material possession in theft or other way, they become sad. And if that has been caused on purpose, the doer enjoys and lauds the achievement. Same happens when instead of the object, something ethereal, something non substantial, something non-enclose able is lost or rather stolen. At this instance, the fracas of the mind reaches a very towering level. The material loss may most often be paid back, but the immaterial loss is very difficult to be settled off with anything physical. It takes time to overcome the impacts of such loses. We observe that people who loses their loved ones, experiences the same kind of sentiments. But that is something which is an unchangeable natural process that every individual has to go through. Such people may be helped out by soothing supports. Nevertheless, people whom we cause to go through such agonies on purpose, by our spiteful and wounding acts, are the ones who are the most indignant people and who faces the ill crisis of emotional as well as mental setback. We rob them of their most precious state- ‘the concord within’. And nothing really can help them much. Time to heal the sore and the vigor to deposit the faith again, are the things which may help them.

Although I have always been in support of not hurting others purposefully, I consciously elected this time, to be further watchful and more careful while relating with others, and not to steal away someone’s peace of mind, tranquility, equanimity in order to satiate my egocentricity, my diffidence, my doubts, and my lonesomeness, all or any- if encountered ever. I do not have any right to thieve someone’s harmony and leave them bothered, and for that matter, no one has the right to do the above to any other person.

Let’s try and not whip away (intentionally or unintentionally) other’s serenity.

(216)Just like that

A minute back, looked into the mirror and smiled at myself. Had read somewhere, keep smiling at yourself, will feel good and positive. I felt completley funny. I looked around to check if anyone was watcing me. Who will?. Kids busy sleeping and husband dear busy travelling. But,on a second thought, I realized that I had not seen myself smiling so foolishly and innocently in the recent times.Haa..haaa.haa...I smiled again, though subtly this time,put off the light...and came back to my darling friend-my laptop..

(215) Nishka's first day at school

Exactly five years back from now, on 15th Dec 2008, Charvi put her first step in the school. Memories came refreshing back this morning,16th Dec 2013..when Nishka went to school for the first time. The difference between both the times is something which was least expected. Charvi, then did not want me to leave her alone and hence I had to sit with her in her school for atleaset three days. Nishka, though she wanted me to be there, but not really, as she got herself comfortable within minutes, and I was the one who was feeling anxious to leave her in the class. I sat outside there for about two hours, but she neither enquired about me nor did she cry. She was very happy and didnt wanted to leave from there later. I am glad.

 

(214) Plan or no plan

Knowing so well that life is most unpredictable, we keep planning things. Not sure of even the nearest next moment and the events that it will bring, we lay out maps for whole life. Ironically, the life led with plans is called the best lived, and in reality things never come out according to ones plannings. Often I contradict my email signing off statement(which says-"failing to plan is planning to fail"). I had chosen it when I was very ambitious career oriented girl,and all I could think then was to grow grow and grow in my career giving my best and hard work. Though the statement still remained with me, but its meaning have changed invariably. It seems that nothing actually works according to what you think, hope, wish for and act about. Everything occurs by law of nature and order of sequence predetermined. Yet, when I think like a parent, I still plan things for my kids and their future and try and put all effort to make them successful. And again, when life presents itself with good and bad surprises alteratively, I comeback on my knees knelt before the unseen power called Almighty, at times thanking him and at times asking him, why?

(213) And What?

Stillness

                      Tolerance

                                                  Apprehension

   Inquisitiveness

 

                                                              Vulnerable

 

                          Insomnia

 

Recollections

 

                                                      Impatience

 

                       Pining

 

Dismal

 

                                     Covet

                                                               Love

(212) Besides and Beyond Love

Time and again, I question myself
Is there something else too,
Besides and beyond the ‘love’

That keeps me cemented with you

Often I am left more startled
At my mind’s undying exuberance
More far flung you try to get from it
More vigor is added to its perseverance 

Though it leaves you with your free will,
It tags along with every blink you make
Though it lets you muse you are uncared for,
It aspire you with every breath you take

 

Falling apart has been gracefully agreed to
Yet the obtuse mind doesn’t cease to hope for

I laugh at, I pity, I counsel this resolute
Inept all advices, it doesn’t cease to long for… 

I wonder over and over again
Is there something else too,
Besides and beyond the ‘love’
That keeps me attached with you

(211) Rape..

It appears that the conscience of the society at large is now comatose, and regrettably, I am the very inseparable part of this society. Rape happens, victim either gets killed or left to survive in a pitiable condition and most often without getting justice. The culprit either moves around freely or manage to play with the law and system that puts him on trial, and again most often move around freely eyeing to rape one more person.Every single day I read, hear and learn about the rape incidents. Since ever, such news has disturbed me to the core level. I have always felt the yearning and the need to do something, something I don’t know, what that something would be, but really something that can help prevent women, girls and small babies becoming the rape and sexual abuse victim.

Time has never ceased to move, but my thoughts of fighting for better, has eventually seen a breakdown. I feel ashamed to agree that I find myself a coward, who can do nothing to save my counterparts from being raped. If I dare to admit, I have become more of a frail person, who only hopes and prays for the safety of every being and emphasizes my kin’s security in the prayers. And do nothing beyond reading the newspaper, regretting for the wrong done to others, mourning for their pain, and then praying again for them to receive strength and for others to get safe.

I often feel frustrated being the part of the world where women are treated as an object. I feel pathetic and enervated, whenever a thought of something evil-happening to me or my folks, crosses my mind. This was never me. I have always been a fighter. I was a very brave and bold girl all my life. Why have I become a limp and so wilted. If this helplessness and feeling of being vulnerable doesn’t cease to prevail in the times to come, I don’t know, how will I, even recognize myself?

Don’t know what, but I need to do something about it. I know I may not be able to turn the scene 180 degree from what it is today, but I also cannot sit and keep lamenting on each news I come across. I need to do my bit and as best as I can. God be my strength…

(210) Mind-it fascinates me

There’s much more to the meaning of ‘Mind’ than those explicitly placed in dictionaries, spreading from intellect, care, demur, heed, awareness, tend, opinion to psyche. Most powerful widget I say, had been, is and will be- ‘The Mind’.

It quakes up the most rooted person and surprisingly it does fasten the same person to the grounds most rigidly at a different time. It travels million miles in a moment and sometimes is not accessible even in the closest nearby’s. Amazing the thing called ‘Mind’ is. I meet, exchange pleasantries and come back within split moments with those people, whom I believe, I would, perhaps never happen to convene in the present life. It startles me to even think how effortlessly I barter dialogues with people, any time I wish, those inhabiting in parts of the world far away from me, and sometimes without even out of their knowledge and often passing across my message through this wonderful mind. Oh..you call it telepathy…uh huh…

Mind…..its abilities fascinates me….

(209) Live in Present

Monotony in life reappears following the pattern of crests and troughs. The transitional segments are often the brooding and meditative ones, which leaves behind the corsages of delightful moments, impressive memories, unapologetic resolutions and sometimes the undisturbed portions lived with satisfaction. We linger on to them even after they disappear. It gives happy feeling to relive them through thoughts, but often, in this process we miss on living in the present. We fall prey to the ever running, unchangeable cycle of movements and incidents, and loose the opportunity of finding those transitional segments once again and thus creating more happiness.

Live in present..

(208) Faith

Perhaps, the mysterious faith does the trick. Lying beneath all the choas of trust and no trust,being and no being,should or should not, rights and the wrongs,faith lays a great support to keep the flow unperturbed. Flow of love, flow of compassion, flow of the hopefulness, flow of the life. Yes, the repeated offences made by heart get the hustle bustling, yet the undercurrents of the huge optimism via faith gets it going again. I wonder, if I will ever be content with the outcomes that compliments my prayers and beliefs, because the more I am showered with, the more I wish to get from thee.....

(207) No words

Though I don't have the whole vocabualry mugged up in there, but I feel there haven't been invented words for some experiences we go through....

(206) Typical human mind

How typical of a human mind(say...my mind)! The thought what she(in this case,I haven't ever met that female) might think or feel about a particular matter has been hitting my head since through. Though I am so confident that I haven't wronged anyone or for that matter anything, to hurt or ill treat anyone whosoever, yet the whole commotion is so disturbing. I know it's very very foolish to think and budge oneself for something which doesn't have any base or meaning even in the thoughts, however, it is so so akin to being me that the thoughts of what other might think always, haunts me more than my own thoughts, which are rather more clarified, subtle and meaingfully assisting my intentions. Nevertheless, such rush and brush with these sorts of thoughts certainly throw some light on the probabalities of being or not being, which otherwise may not have been thought of. After all, every coin has its other side to it. Perhaps, the more favoring one is located on just a flip. Wake up, darling me.....or rather sleep....please..!!

(205) Sedated part- called heart

It's not that the individual doesn't know the way to exit. Yet getting stumbled upon in the very familiar vicinity means the blockages, hurdles are self made. Not the way, but the will to leave is missing. Perhaps, there lies a strong hidden affinity towards the surrounding which supports all the lame excuses and permits more time to stay behind rather than moving on, moving ahead. Definetely, in such matter the decisive role is not played by the brains but by the sedated part-called heart.

(204) Heartfelt Gratitudes

I know, “thank you” will not validate

To thank “You” for everything

I feel so very affirmative

You know what I mean!

 

Pains have always been a part

And will remain with my breath

But what you gave as an insight

Is an honor, love filled wreath 

We have also been childish

We have been too mature

But hardly in our bond earlier

I felt this greatly secure

 
Perhaps, it is because of

The clarity brought in the moment

Or may be due to the acceptance

Which, perchance was so dormant

The scuttle, the fracas, intolerance still exist

But now they appear, so very physical

You repeat in my mind “calm,calm,calm”

Setbacks now seems a little bit lyrical

Besides all the hustle and sore melee

There co-exist now, a pleasing serenity

How less I yearn to see you in corporeal

By far, in my heart, there remains no Malignity

I know I have been very self-seeking

To keep intruding in your tranquil precinct

It never was meant to steal your joy

It was only to earn your special squint

May be I was puerile, maybe I was selfish

Or may be desirous of, owning you more and more

Though I always knew it, you strengthened my belief

I need not quest you there, you reside in my core

Word ‘Promise’ may not pose magnitude

Let me put it straight in unpretentious sound

“God bless me”, I intend to now put down

The meddling, the bothering and the hound

I do not know, if that would be easy or tricky

But am sure, your abet will thrust me through

I want ‘You’ to be happy, I want ‘Me’ to be happy

There’s more to the life, when I say “I love you” 

(203) Was worth it...!

Charvi had received an invitation for her friends birthday celebration at Pizza Hut, one which is located around 15 kms from where we live. I had been telling her that I wasn’t sure if I will take her there. But yesterday, while dropping her at the school bus, when I told her that I wouldn’t be taking her for the birthday party, she agreed but her face became sad. The bus left, and I felt sad too. So I decided, that I would try my best to fulfill her wish. I had an acute backache, dreadfully hurting feet and head was spinning like a wheel. Still I managed to finish the day chores, put Nishka to her noon nap though forcibly, and packed the gift for charvi’s friend. When Charvi came back from school, she was happy to learn that she would be going for her party. She finished her homework really fast, did her extra study work which I make her do and was all set to move. I drove her there, dropped her and went to a nearby mall to pick up some groceries. Nishka was pestering all the time to go to Charvi. After an hour and half, we left from the mall and went to pick up charvi from the birthday venue. It had already become very dark, was raining like mad, and it became really difficult to find a parking place. Picked up Charvi and started driving back home. While going I did not find it that difficult, but when I was driving back, I felt too too tired and energy less, fatigued and completely worn-out . I requested kids to be quiet because my headache made it impossible for me to bear the slightest of noise, although there was the world honking outside the car. And it was virtually very difficult for me to drive through the high beams flashing on from the opposite direction, people overtaking me from either sides,  rains pouring endlessly, and kids eating up my head. The same stretch took around 45 minutes while going and 1 hour 20 minutes while coming back. By the time we reached home, I felt like a dead fish. But had to go on, can’t help you see, being a mother-after all. Freshened up a bit, and then fed Nishka, which again is a tough job to do, she being a poor-eater. There was no willing in me to eat anything by self. While I seated blank for two minutes, Charvi came closer to me, hugged me and said, “thank you so much mamma, you took me to the party, I had loads of fun all because of you, I know, you are very tired now, please take some rest, love you mamma, goodnight”. I hugged her good night and there came the little prankster Nishka. She loves thanking people in her special way. I had got her some chocolates for keeping her from crying and wanting Charvi while the latter was in party. She hugs very tight when she wants to say thank you. She hugged me and tried her best to occupy me in her little arms, kissed me on my forehead and then pointing to my nose she asked, “mamma hele(here)”..i nodded in yes, she kissed on my nose, then asked again pointing to my chin, “ mamma hele (here)”, I said yes, and then she kissed on my chin and repeated her questions and kisses for my cheeks, eyes and hair. And then she said in her sweet cute voice, “thanchu(thanku) mamma”….. the joy in her eyes was priceless and the love she gave me was eternal. Though the physical pain remained, but the agony caused by it got disappeared. Both of them slept after a while, and I kept watching those innocent faces, loving beings, who loves me without any reason and expectations. Around midnight, I had my dinner and then slept. The day throughout had been very pathetic, but it ended on a sweet note, thanks to Charvi and Nishka. I love you my babies.

The pain was worth it..

(202) Problem-Solution

Two days back, I happened to come across a beautiful thought process regarding the problem and problem solving skills. So without giving the prologue to how and why the entire tete-a-tete took place, I choose to mention the gist of the entire chat, assuming it may sound helpful to few, as it did appear to me.

So,

There are two possibilities

1.       You really don’t have any problem existing, but it may appear to you so, because of over and repeated thinking of having one. So stop thinking you have a problem.

2.       There genuinely is a problem. In this case,

·         Think over agreeably and identify the problem.

·         Accept it and accept the reality.

·         Think of the probable solutions and pin down the best amongst them.

·         If you don’t find any solution then either leave the problem or learn to live with it.

·         And a still better option is, to concentrate on other’s problems, it may help divert your attention from your pain.

 

I thought about the above points and added few more from my side,

It says,

 

·         Also seek the forgiveness.

-          Forgiveness from god.

-          Forgiveness from self.

-          And if possible, also from the person, if any, involved and got hurt.  

·          And if the problem has arisen out of no faults of yours…then perhaps you are being tested for your faith.

·         If you have lost something/someone, which/who used to be with you until now, then perhaps this was all that you deserved to get.

·         If you did not get what you always wished for/worked for, then perhaps it was never meant for you, you were never meant for it.

·         Also, while thinking of other’s pain, one can also strive to solve them or help the person in pain to come out of the same.

·         Think of all the good things happened in life, good times spent with loved ones, remember all the laughter, the smiles, the happy moments, the gifts, the beautiful talks, the admiration, and the many more sweet exchanges occurred between you and your people.

·         Engage yourself in all the activities which may not only be constructive and helpful, but also be beneficial to keep the thoughts of pain and failure at bay.

·         Most importantly, learn to be content. Respect what you have got and accept that what you got was all you deserved and don’t fret about not getting what you did not. Perhaps, that might ruin the charm of the times bygone that left behind the loving memories.

·         Think of those who are less privileged than you, who got everything less than you.

·         If you have received enough love in any form, from any relationship, in any measure, at any stage of your life- to think of it and smile about, then consider yourself lucky enough to keep happy. Stop moaning, start living life with a smile.

·          Expect less, give more.

·         Have faith in the almighty, he will take care of you    all the time.

 

Huge expectations and non/less acceptances- of the situations in life have always put me in pain. And am sure lot of people, have the same complaint.

Let’s expect less, accept more, complain less, rejoice more, take less, give more, hate never, love more…..forgive more…be happy more and make happy more.

……………………….while I had finished thinking through all the above, a message dropped in my phone at around 4.35am …which said….

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”- Buddha…

What a timely message to befit the closure to my thoughts on the above concern.

(201) State of Blank Mind

They say state of blank mind is akin to some kinda meditation. Is it?. It takes a great deal for me to even try meditating these days. However, I often remain in the state of blank mind...

(200) Few people

Few people come in life, only to teach you the most beautiful, but expensive lessons-learned the hardest way...

(199) Pain

It is so painful and excruciating feeling, to learn that you and your intentions have been misapprehended and misread by the very one, whom you thought of as the person- who understood you to the unsurpassed perimeters….It hurts...hurts to the core..believe me!!

(198) Disappointment

It is so so easy to disappoint oneself. We know better what can push us high to the happy zone and what can pull us back deep in the agaonies. So, then why it happens that time and again we put ourselves in the situations where we are left with empty hands and hurt sentiments.
            Perhaps, it is so because many of our endeavours which we deem will bring happiness, happens to cross the place which for sure holds the possibilities of giving us some pain. But still, we take that risk because we hold a secret hope that the act may get through the tough zone victorious and may possibly lend us with the joy we were hoping for.

All said and done....we are human..right..!!!
The vicious mind and the hapless heart you see....!!
 

(197)Puzzellledd

Puzzeellleeedd......
Yes...I am

(196) Staged

Miseries underrated,

Perhaps..! Causes overtuned...

I wish,

I never say this....

You staged the whole commotion....!!!!
 

(195) Endless Love

The question stood up many a times

And I always calmed with a subtle reply

Question remained,

Why don’t I have him? Tell me Why?

To be truthful to one and all

Needs the hub, full of guts

Perhaps, I had less

Got stuck in ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’

 

I gambled upon, by challenging risk

Of solving the upheaval

I fumbled,

Left with broken zeal

 

I made up the situations

To dodge facing the facts

He made me,

Bite, the bullets of my acts

                                                      

With him, I thought, past went away

I condoned the treasure mind does hold

It held him,

Presenting to me, at every threshold

 

I ignored self voices, disregarded premonitions

Hugged myself declaring as all safe,

From love,

Could not resist him, his aura so rave

 

Miles apart, he still administers so well

On me, it falls, the droplets of adore

Odium diminishes,

I feel in his embrace, I feel so secure

 

The differences in our believes, will remain

Up till, I assume, we both do survive

But bartering covets,

Am sure, will not see a deprive

 

The question still remains, so unanswered

That why I did not get, him in my life?

Perhaps, I found

The retort which was so rife

 

He happened to meet me at every dawn

He was never him, never was I, me

Truth remained,

We have, for eternity, been the very, ‘WE’

 

So what more would I want him and in what form

Physical, corporeal, or rather more substantial

I have forever, owned him

In me, with me, in a way, way-far special

 

Groundless remained the apprehensions

Futile the angst and cries

Propitiously died,

Crashed fell all the ‘Why’s”

 



Beauty of Adore

(194) Floods of bloods

“Crying inconsolably, I found myself seated amongst the dead bodies. I had still not got the news of one of my loved ones. After searching vehemently for several hours, I gave into the mounting pressure of negativity and sat crying aloud. No one came to console me or wipe my tears”.

Tears were real and had wet my pillow. After giving a self help to break through the dream, I woke up to a better reality. I was thankfully not the part of the massacre, neither was the one I was searching for, so impatiently. I sat thinking, why was I treated with such a painful dream. Concluded that it could have been the result of the continuous doses of the news, I had been following on the death toll and the tragedies of the Kedarnath misfortune.

Mere dream of losing someone shook me to the roots, I could very well imagine, what a tough time those must be going through, who lost their loved ones, who could not trace their family people and who actually went through the whole calamity.

What remained commendable was the painstaking, never ending, rescue job done by the various defense personnel. Political parties, besides extending the help, did not refrain from earning the political mileage and publicity out of the whole mishap. And if reports are to be believed, many local people and others from the surrounding neighborhood, did their best to loot and exploit those helpless pilgrims, who got stuck in there, due to the floods and the destruction created thereby. What a shame?

Reports are still pouring in talking about possible scams and gimmicks taken place during the whole evacuation process, but what matters and should be applauded in the whole exchange is the thankless, endless job the soldiers extended to save as many people as they could, in spite of losing their own 20 brave-hearts. Could not but only thank them heartily for what they did?

And mercifully, I remained amongst the luckier ones who did not become the part of this catastrophe in reality, although kind of experienced the pain through the dream. Realized one more time in one more way, how people close to your heart never departs, they always resides in you. And you always love them more than you realize.

(193)..puddles

Not always the calmer side of one being comes to rescue, when the other,( the prominent one in action majorly) which fortunately or unfortunately is not so calmer side, accelerates the drive through the course of daily life.

I too, most often, come across the same messed up puddles- comprising of self pities, self denials, self approavls, self agonies, self supports and self criticisms, topped up with the similar sprays and shades contributed by people around.

Not holding a pen and a paper, neither the handy ipad sorts of gadgests which may hand out some ease, I keep encryprting my thoughts, feelings and experiences on the forum of my mind. And eventually move, edit and ultimately erase them, as and when required by the data/space management team of my mind. But...there always remains some cookies left behind, which are uneraseable, and those act like the very ones, which may only create turbulences to the entire set up and system, whenever they are attempted to deal with.

Wherein others need the intervention, I act the best of the manager to sort out the not so easy, tricky tangles of circumstances, but somehow, majorly gets troubled up, when it is the issue revolving around myself and my qualms with my expectations from those times. Wrong or right, just or bias, ethical or non-moral, such and many other dyads pulls me apart from either ends,and leave me in worse quandry. Ofcourse, the end result, always have- been framed out to be the one which fits and suits the entire bill,( never mind if it may or may not have been in my accord of wishes) and it serves with the array of beneficial options to almost everyone involved. The question is, why, why does the heart have to pay the price of the choices made by the mind. Although, as claimed, mind most often choses the "best for all" candy from the jar, yet..yet the trauma surfaces of being loaded with maximum compromises and sacrifices. No other but the heart claims so....

Who is the heart then?..Me OR my self intriguing delimmas OR the supressed lot of emotions which have been sacked and thrown at the order of the so called intelligent mind?

(We will continue the talk...later for sure)