If I write what I had been thinking all this afternoon, it would take two more hours and several lengthy pages. But, i am completely exhausted at this moment.Tired physically, mentally and emotionally.
Almost lived three decades of my life and what do I see?..A flashback of innumerable unforgettable moments and people. Endless joys and achievements with a mixture of loses and pains. But, today sitting here, i feel it was all worth it. I know, i have complained endless times about endless things not going right in my life, but that's not true. God hasn't been that unfair to me. May be I expected more than I deserved. But now I know, we get what we deserve, what we earn through our deeds. No pain, no joy comes without the other side to it. So here, a very hearty acceptance to everything, good and bad, that has ever occurred in my life.
I had been always been adventurous with almost every aspect of my life. I urge to write so many beautiful, not so good and close to my heart events over here, but as i said, i am not left with anymore energy right now. So cutting it short, i just wanna say that i am happy with everything that i had, and i have.
You must be wondering why suddenly such a heart flow from my side. Seems, the stars have decide to melt the stone out of me. Last Few days had been real roller-coaster rides in all fields of life and what came today was the climax i believe.
No joy can exceed the pain of giving birth to your child. Charvi made me mother almost five years back. Many things changed into me as a person. To be a mother again is no less a challenge with thousand things on hand. My pregnancy this time too hasn't been a very fair ride. twice i was advised bed-rest, once i was checked for gestational diabetes, and today during a routine check-up, i was told that the thickness of my earlier C-section to the internal surface,appears to be no more than 4 mm, which is not only a risk to the baby but to the mother as well. Anytime rupture due to the pressure may prove fatal. I was suppose to wait for almost a month more before my baby came into this world but now the scenario has changed. Everything happened so sudden, i am unable to gather the series of incidents and wait to think what would happen?.. But one fear which remain constant throughout my pregnancy has gained momentum. I know, it is going to sound very foolish and self empathizing, but i need to write this over here, i need to share my fear. I had been telling everyone all this while that i am scared i may not survive the operation, i don't know why but i had been getting this strange feeling all the while. Even on the lighter note, i would tell my folks about all the things i want them to do when i die. I want them to serve ice-cream to every one who comes to give condolences. There are so many things i want people to do if i don't come back home.i know, you would say," you are not gonna die so soon"..i know that too..but still i am scared, i am scared within. I am not scared of dying as i always said. But i think, at the moment this fear has gained momentum because i am already a mother. i don't want to leave charvi alone. i know, her father and everyone else can take very good care of hers, but still i don't want to leave my child and go, not until she grows up enough to take care of herself. i am sure, all those who care for me, would take me to be a selfish person who is considering herself nothing else but a mother alone. i know, if i die, many others would feel bad. my parents, my siblings, my husband, my family, my friends and my well-wishers who wants me to be happy. i know they all care for me.i know everything you see, but still i don't know why i feel so pessimistic. i know, i should not bring negative thoughts at this moment.but am just being honest, i want to bring out this fear.
the doctor wanted me to get admitted by ten this evening, but i requested her to admit me tomorrow morning( well by now , i think it has already turned into today)..my mother will reach at 4 in the morning, my mom in law will reach next day.and i had been running here and there to finish off so many tasks before i bid a bye to my folks. oh god, i am so exhausted. it felt, as if life is very short and tasks endless. three and half more hours to go. they want me to be there at-least 4-5 hours previous to the operation. i hope, i win over my fear.First time, i was unknown to the procedure, and also i was given a general anesthesia, so it was easier to go through the brunt. but now, i know what they do in a c-section and to worsen my fear, the doctor said they wont give me a general anesthesia this time, they only give the spinal one. i was into tears when she said that. i told her, that the mere feeling of my finger going numb makes me nervous, then how will overcome the feeling of not feeling half of my body for long hours. she said, i will be able to cope with it. i hope, i do.
i told my sister last week, that things really don't go as i plan. it is so true that god's plans are above everyone's else's. i thought i had enough time to settle down and welcome my baby, but it seems stars has decided else. i can only hope and pray that i am there to hold my baby, and to see the joy on charvi's face when her long time wish is fulfilled. i don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow.if i am all well, i will get back soon to bother you with my posts and if my fear proves true and i don't, then i want to use this as an opportunity to thank almighty, my parents, family and every single person who made my life so special and meaningful, to give me more than i deserved,to love in abundance, to make me feel that i am important and to stand by my side whenever i needed support. May god bless all of you and keep you happy always.take care.
Almost lived three decades of my life and what do I see?..A flashback of innumerable unforgettable moments and people. Endless joys and achievements with a mixture of loses and pains. But, today sitting here, i feel it was all worth it. I know, i have complained endless times about endless things not going right in my life, but that's not true. God hasn't been that unfair to me. May be I expected more than I deserved. But now I know, we get what we deserve, what we earn through our deeds. No pain, no joy comes without the other side to it. So here, a very hearty acceptance to everything, good and bad, that has ever occurred in my life.
I had been always been adventurous with almost every aspect of my life. I urge to write so many beautiful, not so good and close to my heart events over here, but as i said, i am not left with anymore energy right now. So cutting it short, i just wanna say that i am happy with everything that i had, and i have.
You must be wondering why suddenly such a heart flow from my side. Seems, the stars have decide to melt the stone out of me. Last Few days had been real roller-coaster rides in all fields of life and what came today was the climax i believe.
No joy can exceed the pain of giving birth to your child. Charvi made me mother almost five years back. Many things changed into me as a person. To be a mother again is no less a challenge with thousand things on hand. My pregnancy this time too hasn't been a very fair ride. twice i was advised bed-rest, once i was checked for gestational diabetes, and today during a routine check-up, i was told that the thickness of my earlier C-section to the internal surface,appears to be no more than 4 mm, which is not only a risk to the baby but to the mother as well. Anytime rupture due to the pressure may prove fatal. I was suppose to wait for almost a month more before my baby came into this world but now the scenario has changed. Everything happened so sudden, i am unable to gather the series of incidents and wait to think what would happen?.. But one fear which remain constant throughout my pregnancy has gained momentum. I know, it is going to sound very foolish and self empathizing, but i need to write this over here, i need to share my fear. I had been telling everyone all this while that i am scared i may not survive the operation, i don't know why but i had been getting this strange feeling all the while. Even on the lighter note, i would tell my folks about all the things i want them to do when i die. I want them to serve ice-cream to every one who comes to give condolences. There are so many things i want people to do if i don't come back home.i know, you would say," you are not gonna die so soon"..i know that too..but still i am scared, i am scared within. I am not scared of dying as i always said. But i think, at the moment this fear has gained momentum because i am already a mother. i don't want to leave charvi alone. i know, her father and everyone else can take very good care of hers, but still i don't want to leave my child and go, not until she grows up enough to take care of herself. i am sure, all those who care for me, would take me to be a selfish person who is considering herself nothing else but a mother alone. i know, if i die, many others would feel bad. my parents, my siblings, my husband, my family, my friends and my well-wishers who wants me to be happy. i know they all care for me.i know everything you see, but still i don't know why i feel so pessimistic. i know, i should not bring negative thoughts at this moment.but am just being honest, i want to bring out this fear.
the doctor wanted me to get admitted by ten this evening, but i requested her to admit me tomorrow morning( well by now , i think it has already turned into today)..my mother will reach at 4 in the morning, my mom in law will reach next day.and i had been running here and there to finish off so many tasks before i bid a bye to my folks. oh god, i am so exhausted. it felt, as if life is very short and tasks endless. three and half more hours to go. they want me to be there at-least 4-5 hours previous to the operation. i hope, i win over my fear.First time, i was unknown to the procedure, and also i was given a general anesthesia, so it was easier to go through the brunt. but now, i know what they do in a c-section and to worsen my fear, the doctor said they wont give me a general anesthesia this time, they only give the spinal one. i was into tears when she said that. i told her, that the mere feeling of my finger going numb makes me nervous, then how will overcome the feeling of not feeling half of my body for long hours. she said, i will be able to cope with it. i hope, i do.
i told my sister last week, that things really don't go as i plan. it is so true that god's plans are above everyone's else's. i thought i had enough time to settle down and welcome my baby, but it seems stars has decided else. i can only hope and pray that i am there to hold my baby, and to see the joy on charvi's face when her long time wish is fulfilled. i don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow.if i am all well, i will get back soon to bother you with my posts and if my fear proves true and i don't, then i want to use this as an opportunity to thank almighty, my parents, family and every single person who made my life so special and meaningful, to give me more than i deserved,to love in abundance, to make me feel that i am important and to stand by my side whenever i needed support. May god bless all of you and keep you happy always.take care.
