(190) Admiration

 

Talking with this friend over the years..one word has got pasted in my mind with his image, and that is ‘Admiration’.

Yesterday, while watching a small piece of a movie, I heard this word and straight away  got travelled into the time, whenever I spoke with him and he used the word ‘admiration’ for a particular girl. Well, not advisable to take his name here, as his wife might take this whole thing in a wrong way. So we will call him ‘him’. He was in love with a beautiful Kashmiri girl, whom he could not marry. Eventually, after moving on, he liked another girl, equally beautiful and sensible, whom he persuaded to be a part of his life and they are together. They are happily married and settled with their kid. God bless their family.

               Ok, now about the word ‘admiration’, here is the story narrated as per his version. There was a girl whom he met several years ago, and developed a kind of approbation towards her. What he liked most or least about her, is still a mystery to me. Because whenever she came in conversation, she came with a tag, ‘admiration’. He always said that he had a stout admiration for her.

       I have often wondered, what that admiration word could mean in his case. Of-course, I know the meaning and probable applications of it, but still, it leaves me lost in the qualms of variables, as I know both of them as individuals. I thought I would ask him someday, but then I decided to leave it as it was ,because vindication would hardly make any difference in their relationship, or so I assume. But what interests me here, is the passion he exhibits while using this word. And mind it, he never ever used any other word or words to talk about his affiliation with her. And that’s what makes it more appealing.

       However, though she doesn’t sound to be the most important person of his life, but if I recall the way he emphasizes about the beauty she has brought into their bonding, I feel, her existence is significant for him. And so yet again, I am forced to think, how can a mere admiration thing make someone so crucial in else’s life. Because if I go by the dictionary meaning of it, it tours me around gestures of respect, approval or rather awe(on the romantic side)….but none of these gives me a reason to think, that sheer veneration can make someone so imperative.

So now, my course of action (after watching that piece of movie) is to make him explain me what the word ‘admiration’ means in his dictionary. Who knows, may be, it was all just about the way he narrated the story to me and I over comprehended it, or may be, he  reasons it out in a fashion that’s appropriate for everyone involved.

  If I had to admire something, I would do so, and perhaps, over the period of time, I would forget about the same if I am not made to encounter with it again and again… I repeat if that was to be just an admiration….and if I had, had this mount of emotions for someone, then may be , I would not have had used just(only) the word, ‘admiration’.

Over to you…if you ever read this…and get coached up with an answer before you next call me…

 

Some quotes on the subject…

“There is an innocence in admiration: it occurs in one who has not yet realized that they might one day be admired.”  - Friedrich Nietzche

“Have you ever felt the longing for someone you could admire? For something, not to look down at, but up to?” – Ayn Rand

“ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl...I have ever met since...I met you.”  - Oscar Wilde

(189) 18TH OCTOBER 2012

I WROTE THIS ON THE NIGHT OF 18^TH OCTOBER 2012, WHEN I WAS IN UDAIPUR....BUT CUDN’T COMPLETE WRITING IT AND HENCE DIDN’T POST IT......

PSOTING THE INCOMPLETE THOUGHTS...............

                                                                                                                           

“...........................Few things always remain close to one's being, throughout his/her life. From childhood days till the end of the journey, certain things rarely changes, at-least in their importance and their relativity to the ongoing life. If I sit to count, there will come up at-least eight to ten things, which have not changed since i remember myself being myself, and i believe they will not change until i stop recognizing myself. But today, i want to talk about only one thing out of that vital list.

                        My love for milk, curd, ghee, buttermilk, home-made butter, and out of these, milk has always been my favorite dairy product. No doubts, coffee tops the list, but now, talk about the milk. Milk with bournvita and sugar, neither piping hot nor cold, just a little above the lukewarm mark, that is what i love. And i always enjoyed sipping it up in one breath. I do the same till date, except when it is accompanied with a heavy breakfast, because then it goes sip by sip helping me swallow each morcel of the food.

                                Time changes almost every aspect of one's life. Before i turned teen and moved to ahmedabad to live with my maternal grandparents, i lived with my parents in Valsad. I remember, till then, almost everyday my grandparents(paternal) would enter into kids room and serve all of us one by one (my siblings and cousins) with a big brass glass full of milk before we went to the bed. Later after some years during my visits home, i observed my mother doing the same for us. And now since few years, my father has happily taken over this part of her job and he kind of takes pride in serving us all that glass of milk, before we go to bed and also with the breakfast in the morning, but, of-course only when we all go there to stay with them, let's say for about once or twice in a year.

                When I lived in Ahmedabad, both my aunts played my mom's role. They both knew that it was very difficult for me to go to sleep without that glass of milk. Almost everyday, i was served the same. But whenever they missed out on giving me that, because of many reasons, i never went asking why it happened so. I could never do that in my life for anything whatsoever and to an extent, i am still the same. It is very difficult for me to ask for those thing/s, which i feel i should get or which belongs to me. But i never blamed them for that, because it was a big family and both of my aunts were always laden with loads of things to be done from early morning to the late hours.

                Later sometime when i lived in the hostel during my engineering days, i was forced to learn to go to sleep without that nectar of the night. Our hostel mess was not operational and our food was served twice in a day, by the outside caterer, who rejected my request of supplying the milk. But during the same time, when i use to visit home, i chose not to drink milk even then, so that it wouldn’t hurt me again on my return to the hostel.

              Some years later i started working, stayed with my grandparents for a year or so and then moved to Rajkot with a better job opportunity. Then again, i had the freedom of choosing my meals and the drinks. Time flew by swiftly and i got married.

                As i said, time changes things and so it did again. Now i prepare that cup of bournvita milk for my kids, husband and the other members of the family as and when they come over. Once in a very rare while, it happens that i get to be served with that cup of milk without me making it myself. Though i still try to have it almost everyday, but the fatigue i earn after running behind the kids for whole day, and the desire to go dead in the bed at the last hour of the day, hardly leaves me with any energy to prepare cup of milk. And in that case, even though all others are left without that last serve of the day, hardly anyone volunteers to help us all out with the servings.

                Today i am missing my father a lot. The latest memories of last few years about that tasty milk of the perfect temperature being served at the end of the day, is mostly related with my father and his unending energy and passion to keep his kids happy in every way possible. Since an hour, i am having  a strong urge to have that hot drink to be served, but honestly i have no mind to go and prepare it for myself. I made it for Nishka and fed her. My father in law had it, Charvi doesn’t want it and mother in law is fast asleep. I have come to Udaipur with my kids as i had to attend some class for few days.

                I want my father to live a very long and prosperous life and of course i wish the same for my mother as well. This day, this hour is presenting me again and again with the memories of that gloomy day when my father had a fatal heart-attack. Six months back, 6th april to be precise, when packers and movers had packed everything out of our Pune home and moved out, we proceeded to the hotel with my parents. My mom had come ................”

 

SOMETHING MOVED MY ATTENTION AND I LEFT IT INCOMPLETE THAT NIGHT

 

 

(188) Self battling wars

What is astonishing is the infinite urge to be heard and what is unanticipated is the perseverance of not uttering a word. Dilemmas are the origins of several undefined ramifications, and anxiety is the by-product of those self battling wars. What remains in hand, most often, is the tiredness of defending self, against someone as important as self, and in chorus, the frustration of winning the fight of mind over heart, ultimately leading that “self” to remain in the solidarity of that “self”.

(187)

Was feeling over worked up since morning. Had got mashedup in my own 'ifs' and 'buts' and 'whys' and 'whast'.Very different and quite sorted out message dropped in my watsapp space...here it goes...

"DON'T LOOK AT WHAT HAS LEFT YOU, LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE LEFT WITH"..

Quite nervesoothing,no matter, even if it worked well...atleast for the day.

And see...

While am writing this...another message popped in..this one's good too...seems God's sending relievers... this one says...

"SPECIAL PEOPLE ARE NOT NEEDED TO BE TALKED DAILY....SOMETIMES 'THEIR MEMORIES' ARE WORTH MORE TO FEEL THEIR CLOSENESS".

Point taken..

Good night..

(186) Forgetfulness

‘Forgetfulness’, is naturally a boon, when dreadful memories are to be flushed away. But not at all a good thing, when you do not wish to, and you cannot provide to forget, even the minutest of the phenomenon.

Certainly, the horrendous and gruesome act of the Delhi rapists, and similar such hundreds of news, kept me in anguish and awake,for all this time, and will keep haunting me till I remain sane, but that could not be the singular cause for my mounting absentmindedness_.

Rapes, Murders, Tragedies always drew my attention more than the other episodes, and I lived every calamity, concurrently while reading each word, felt for it and my heart wept for the same, but that never impacted me so sternly. These days, my memory is in severe denial to support my acts.

Few of the incidents which occurred lately…

Last week, when I went downstairs to drop Charvi for the school bus pick-up, I did so and started having a conversation with a fellow parent, who, also had come to drop her child. I completely forgot that I had locked Nishka sleeping alone in the house, and realized only when that lady asked me about her well being, that was almost about fifteen minutes later. I ran towards my block with heavy heart, full of guilt and distress about my forgetfulness. Thankfully she was still sleeping calmly. I keep forgetting milk, curries, and other stuff after putting them on gas stove for cooking…small things but potentially dangerous. I put on the geyser, iron and I easily forget.

Yesterday, someone reminded me of a good old event of my life and I thought of logging into the email account, in which I had maintained some of the best reminiscences (which were in electronic form).My regular account had been hacked several times in past and hence I had made that account. Alas! One more shocker! The account had been locked, probably because I had not accessed it for very long time. I recovered it through the process mentioned on the site, but I had lost all the data stored in it. I remained retort-less for ample seconds to see that empty mailbox. I immediately started logging in, in all those accounts which I had not visited in recent past. And would you believe! I couldn’t recollect the passwords to some of them and even the login id’s to others. The process of retrieving them also failed because I did not remember the answers to the security questions, the recovery email addresses and all the stuff they wanted me to provide to them, so as to enable them to give me my accounts back. Few blogs which I maintained but never published,  are now not accessible even to myself…

 

I have started forgetting birthdays, important days, my meals…and many big-small things in day to day life….I lost my gold thumbring which was bought by mutual choice of my brother and myself, i cannot relocate it because i don't remember when i wore it last.Whether i took out and put on kitchen platforn while kneading dough or else where while doing some craft. I am not sure if the house maid took it away or what. I simply washed it off..

I used to be the sharpest person in my family in matter of remembering facts, dates, events, not only about my own life, but also of others. What is amazing here is, that my memories about my life previous to this one and a roughly half more year, is still intact and almost as it used to be.

And also, somehow I don’t forget the painful things so easily….

So…what are the cause factors to all this memory loss hubbub,(so called dementia) still remains a mystery. Is it the post partum depression(which, technically speaking, I should have, by now, over-comed, as Nishka is almost a year and a half), or being the overworked mother, or the disquiet of doning too many hats at a time, lack of sleep , or perhaps, the ever wavering mind which hardly settles down with peace.

Whatever it may be..it seems, I am in urgent need of getting into some meditational observe, some yoga..self help practices and some good sleep…

Reminding myself through this note, before I even forget..”who I am”?

P.S.- Tips and advice other than eating almonds, is most welcome.

(185) Year 2013

Earnest Hopes and Hearty Wishes for a better, safer, peaceful, harmonious, and fulfilling New Year for each and every one.May God bless us all with wisdom of choosing,doing and standing for right. May we all learn to be more patient and tolerant, more giving than demanding, more helpful than faultseekers, more appreciating than bitching, more sensible than insensitive, more happier than being gloomy.....

A very very Happy and Beauttiiifffuuuuuuuuullllllllll New Year to you and your family...God Bless