My parents in laws came on 14th feb to stay with us for few days.
On 15th feb, we had to attend a wedding ceremony. That morning, I was trying to
get in touch with a friend, with whom I hadn’t spoken for dozens of months. I tried
to get in touch even earlier for some specific help. I needed some advice and
help for my research project, which I had chose after changing my initial topic,
but then due to non- availability of my dear friend, I tried to seek the
information from other friend, who gave me the inputs to the best of her
knowledge and access. After a protracted thought, I changed and came back to
the initially chosen field and area for my study. Okay, so the point is, I was
trying to get in touch, and got upset because I could not get through. We got
ready and started for the venue which located at the distance of almost an hour
and half. Nishka doesn’t like long drives and gets uneasy very soon in the car.
To keep her attention diverted, I let her do whatever she wanted to do with the
music system. She played one song repeatedly for almost ten times..it was, “
allah ke bande hasde, job hi ho kal phir aayega”. When it kept repeating, I somehow
started paying attention to its words and meanings, and felt uplifted and good.
When we entered the main hall, where the ceremony was going on, suddenly a
group of photographers and media people rushed towards us and started clicking.
Of course they took us for someone else, and after a small pause they got back
to their original stance. It was a renowned singer’s wedding and there were
visiting many celebrities from the tinsel town. Believe me, it was really
amusing at that moment, but even that incident made my mood better. I smiled to
myself and thought that, I was dressed appropriately for the occasion.(no
intention to boast, just wanted to share this funny incident)We happen to see
many established singer there. Over-all , the evening ended on a positive note.
Next morning, I went for a follow up class for sudarshan
kriya by AOL, which is being conducted on every Saturday in our society’s club
house (meditation hall). Though I am not able to make it on every Saturday, but
I try to attend whenever possible. After the kriya, the teacher here, reads one
paragraph or piece from Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s discourses.. that day in the
end.. he read this piece..
“A dear person whom
you trust lies to you and gets caught. What do you feel?
Sadness
Anger
Cheated
Disappointment
Compassion
Let down
Loss of respect
Wonder
Shock
Embarrassment
Recently when someone lied to me, I felt happy and more
love, for they were not a good liar. Had they been a good liar, they would not
have been caught. I thought they were so innocent that they could not even lie
properly. They lie and get caught. If they had not been caught, how would you
know they were a liar? So . . . you can never know a good liar. The person you
call a liar is not a good liar and they are innocent. Aren't they?
And so . . . ha ha (laugh). You need not go through all the
listed mental gymnastics. Instead melt and dissolve in Love.”
Listening to it, was kind of a reliever to the thoughts.
Almost about a week later, on 21st feb, bomb blasts occurred
in the city. Phone calls, messages, enquiries flowed in from possibly everyone
we have on our phone list. I don’t intend to bring any sarcasm or doubt on the
intentions of our well-wishers, but this left me in a quandary, that does such
situations only, bring questions to our people’s mind about our well-being?..After
answering about twenty –thirty calls in an hour or so, I started replying
following calls with the opening line, “ ha ha, hum zinda hain( with a slight smile
and a slight disgust)”..in a light vein, but the pain for those who lost their
lives was always ticking my mind. As I have
started thinking and saying off-lately, I felt again that day,” life has become
so unpredictable”.
I have been suffering from some unusual pain since few
months, and have been telling causally, that I might have contracted some
serious disease. Hence one of my close friends, insisted that I get a medical
check up done. Though it took almost three months for me to fulfill the promise
I had made, but I finally went for a complete health check up on 2nd march
2013. As my in laws were still here, it came as a help to look after the kids,
given that Dheeraj is travelling most of the times. On 6th morning, I was supposed to collect the
reports and see the consulting doctors. But given the fragile emotional person I
am, a small tiff at home left me sad. The physical fatigue and some mental
pressure due to my studies, charvi’s school work, looking after nishka and
taking care of other big/small things at home, had already accumulated lot of
discomfort in my mind, and the tiff that morning, hit the trigger, and I cried
all the way driving to the hospital. Somehow, while acting like a stupid child (which
I do most of the time), I cursed( I don’t know whom) and said to myself, “ see
mita, your reports are going to be
pathetic, be ready for it”. I reached there in half an hour, parked the car,
handed over the keys to the valet guy and asked him not to move my car if it’s
not really required. I went upstairs and collected the reports. Blood profiles,
urine profiles, chest, ecg, x-rays thyroid,aids,hepatitis, and some other
reports-all were in line and showed no worries. But reports that needed to be
discussed with gynaecologist were not really good.
I read and doctor confirmed, that there’s a cyst in the
right ovary and the size is big enough to cover the entire ovary. Plus there
appeared a mild neutrophillic inflammation appeared through the PAP smear (
which she said can be taken care of by medicines and could possibly be because
of the ovarian cyst).
So the priority became to sort out the cyst. Her advice
appeared twofold and left me in sticky situation. Either I could get it
operated or try and remove it through the medication, which would last for
three months. I went for a second opinion immediately to other doctor and she
gave a completely different angle to the whole thing. I decided to go home and think
about the whole thing with cool mind. When I got down the building and didn’t see
my car, I asked the guy whom I had given the keys, and he said he will ask the
driver to get the car back from the elsewhere parking. When the car came, it showed
a big scratch on the passenger side door, and it was made recently. Though material
things hardly bother me, but may be the day had risen at a bitter note, I reprimanded
everyone involved in the parking procedure (from driver to the centre manager)
and demanded the justification. Later I realized, it was not required, my car
is still with that scratch and I haven’t even bothered to get it repainted. I spoke
to my friend during those hours and cried a good for no specific reason. I decided
to leave the whole medical thing aside for some-time and took it in hand only
yesterday, after my in-laws left for home and Dheeraj left for Delhi. I consulted
all the doctors I knew or whom I got to know through friends and relatives and
discussed the matter, to get the better idea for further treatment and course of action.
Let me kindly, make it very clear to all my friends, my
readers and specifically to those with whom I consulted and received their
genuine advices, that the purpose of writing (whatever I am going to write now)
is neither to compare or cross check the knowledge and proficiency about the
opinions and suggestions given to me by those whom I have consulted and nor to
design any sympathy ground for myself(I am not gonna die soon). Its solely for
my record and for the purpose I have mentioned earlier ( to make a note of
events of my life for myself(if I live to read in my old age) and for my kids
to have an insight into their mother’s life and their upbringing). So please,
if any of you happen to read this, kindly do not think I am trying to be
scrutinizer. Listing the counsel, recommendations, possibilities, outcomes
about my ovarian cyst, in no specific order…
Trying a medication approach first for three months and then
if cyst doesn’t dissolve, then surgery.
Given the size of the cyst, there is no point in trying
medicines, straight away go for laparoscopic surgery.
8 out of 10 cases are malignant (cancerous), so don’t ignore,
get the biopsy done, and treat it.
They may not be malignant, mostly they are benign ( non
cancerous) at this stage.
If taken causally, it may affect still worse and if ovaries
are to be removed due to delay in treatment, then that may result into further
complications as the side effects.
Foolish to not act immediately, as the tissues grow fast and
may spread in multiples.
Few advices were repeated by two or more people.
Right now, am feeling exhausted and without any direction. Though
the last I spoke, was with a well established and experienced gynaecologist,
who referred me to another well equipped doctor to handle such issues. I need
to see that doctor as soon as possible. And she also told me that the doctor
will perform the surgery and biopsy as well to check if any cancerous cells are
present, and if the case is more complicated. Now, I have to wait for dheeraj
to return home, so that I can see the doctor.
This entire write up may seem absurd to some, but ask me,
what a reliever it is to vent out the thoughts through words, out here in this
space. Don’t be judge-mental while reading this, there is no agenda, I was
feeling over worked up and hence I had to take it out somewhere.
I had thought of
celebrating woman’s day in a very grand way, but somehow a chat with a friend
left me more disturbed ( thanks to my irrational nature which pops up any time)
and I did not do anything I had planned for myself.
I have our tickets booked for the trip spanned over next two
months. From Hyderabad to Delhi, Delhi to Punjab, Punjab to Jammu(vaishno-devi),
back to Punjab-Delhi, then Udaipur, to Ahmedabad, Gir, Valsad, Mumbai and back
to Hyderabad. See…again I made a fool of myself..My things hardly works
according to my plans and still I write in my sign off, “failing to plan is planning
to fail”..what an irony?..however, I still hold a strong faith in the belief
that “whatever happens, happens for good”..so what good is in store for me..let’s
wait and watch.
See, I have never been afraid of dying( not that I am going
to die soon haan..!don’t be so happy), am more than sure this whole thing will
get over very soon, but what disturbs is this process of living in the
uncertainties ( I know, I know, whole life is full of those). Till the time, I didn’t
know anything about this medical complication, I was busy with other juggles of
life, and now that I know what it is, I have spent almost 40 hours thinking
about it. Oh my god, am soooooooo tired and so sick of it. Please don’t call me
mad those who have been supporting me morally, but please try and understand my
state of mind. I know, this may not be that big as it seems to be, and even if
it turns out to be so( I mean cancerous), there are ways to deal with it, but
still this waiting period is simply killing me, more than the disease might do.
Although I am physically and mentally tired, something very
unusual, as well, is being felt by me. A very different calmness, somewhere
deep in my heart is breezing very slowly. Am not able to concentrate on it
because of this halla-bulla, but with the bleak pauses, I get in between my
rustling thoughts, I kind of smell and
breathe a different air which is only cool and soothing. I know, I may be
sounding like a crap philosopher, but this is how it is, even I am not able to
decode it. Suddenly, the longing for many things, which I have been craving
for, has subsided magically. Fear of losing anything whatsoever, seems non-existing.
Yeah, yeah , I know, I know..i am acting like a real hindi filmi heroine na…okay..let’s
stop here…no more blurting out..any which ways..i am feeling much better
now..to have divulged out what was eating me up…thanks for reading this.
Life is amazing..!!
Isn't it..!!
Full of Surprises..!!