(264) Travelling to Hyderabad and other cities

Some people are meant to be in your life for good reasons.Monica is one of them.I was suppose to travel to few cities for collecting research data.Yesterday I landed in Hyderabad, today I am at my old society where we lived before leaving Hyderabad, and putting up at Monica's house.Feeling rejuvenated, calm, loved, and especially very positive about life which I always felt after having conversations with Monica. Don't know when will I get the opportunity in life to see her again,but right now I am simply overwhelmed.Few more things happened today, but will tell you tomorrow or after I reach back Ahmedabad, because I am very tired and physically drained, its been three days since I am away from home and kids.Mixed feelings, but glad to be with this wonderful friend family.Yesterday too, I had put up with one friend family and tomorrow another friend family. All and all, seems this is gonna be a fruitful trip all ways. Get back to you soon

(263) Accept the losses

It is so typically human to feel upset when you loose someone close to heart. Pain is inevitable and discomfort is  unavoidable. But, no time stays forever. Think, recall and then decide, has not been there bigger trouble and losses in life earlier that you have been through, stayed with, fought against, cried for and then gradually slipped into acceptance, survival, serenity and back to living. 

Most of the times, it turns out to be understood at a later stage, at the time when the storm has settled down, that the entire drama was been held up just for your own good. Though it took your tears as your participation fees, but it gave back a wonderful show to you, it all made seemingly worth to you. Fair enough, if it says so, if it does so.

However, not most, but often, the chaos that we go through, the turbulence that we live through, also occur in our lives for good of those people who are attached with us,with our beings, with our lives. And if they are someone close to you, your loved ones, then it more aptly may happen so that you go through all the pain, as your contribution to your loved ones life for making it better. This at times, may even take that person away from you, for time being, or forever,but you need to believe in it, and have faith, that if something thus has occurred, it has happened for some good. What big deal in it, if your pain of not having them with you is just being paid as a price for their happiness. Is it a big thing to give for getting peace, love and smiles in your loved ones life. No, not at all. Isn't the feeling so fulfilling to see them happy, settled, peaceful and content.

If you look at it with this perspective, then definitely you will not feel their dearth in life, rather you will feel glad to be taken away from their as a step towards their happiness. Accept it, and move on!!

That way,you not only make yourself peaceful, but also send that peace through the vibes to the other person as well....

(262) Last ten days

Journey back home wasn't very smooth. I got sore throat and Nishka got fever, when we landed Delhi from Moscow. Delhi to Ahmedabad flight was delayed by several hours, had to medicate Nishka on the airport itself. Somehow, we reached Ahmedabad airport midnight, and with the help of airport staff, I managed to come out with luggage. But to add to my woes, someone tumbled down all his luggage on my right foot and crushed it. Ufff...it was too much. Kept unwell for two three days and still have the cough and cold. Nishka further got eye infection which is still under medication. My Phd. research thing is not turning out as I had expected and as per the effort I am putting into it. Amidst all this chaos, we somehow had some very good moments spent with family during two large gatherings in last ten days. One was hosted by my aunt for his two NRI sons visiting India. However, I felt at times, that all my excitement to come back home wasn't received with the same level of satisfaction. Perhaps, one of the reason behind the same is that I haven't yet seen my mom. Hope she comes back home soon from my sisters place where she had to travel in emergency to support sis's premature delivery.

Had been postponing to meet friends since last ten days, but today I met three of them and felt quite rejuvenated. Truly, it's a blessing to have good friends in life.

I am tired, but unable to sleep. Lotsa things hovering my mind.

I wonder at times, why do I even write these posts. Because more than the words written here, I speak them with myself in my mind. Perhaps, it gives me a feeling of being heard by someone close to me, by someone who knows me well, by someone who may actually understand what I may not have even written here.

Yes, off late, I have become more optimistic, but still at times, I feel completely vision less. I fail to understand whom should I believe in and whom should I adhere to--my mind or my heart, my gut feel or my thoughts, my intuition or my wishes, my arguments or my inner voice.

I know, everything happens for a reason, and most of the times things turn out to be the way they were destined to, even though we may feel that we are the ones giving them the thus results. Nevertheless, there's this commotion which ruffles the serenity and questions my optimism about my decisions and my actions.

I tell you, right now.............am so so so blank...OR...so so so clouded in my mind..rather contradictory is it?.May be!!

Well...will try and get some sleep..it's a long day ahead..gotta work out the further actions for enhancing the progress in research, have to write a paper for an upcoming conference, have to shop for brother's wedding, need to finalize lotsaa things for the wedding preparations and guests welcomes....and above all........need to channelize my energies into something more positively engaging activities rather than being disoriented for things which may never even occur, and thus waste the beautiful opportunity of being in India, living in my favorite city, and time to catch up and smile with people who are so loving!!!!

Send me those goodiee vibes...!!See you!!

(261) Welll...

Well...!!..Had few things to share about today's experiences. But by now, I am exhausted and you know that I hate the dry runs of my talk, so keeping them for keeps. Not sure how much time will I get in India to come online here and share things. However, will drop in on and off...bye for now!!
Dasvidaniya!

(260) One more day to go!

In last two days, I received few messages from my friends and relatives talking about their excitement to welcome me. It was quite heart stirring to know that there are people who are equally enthused to see me as I am to see India. Few of them read-“looking forward to welcome you, we’ll have lotsa fun”, “can’t wait to see you”, “come soon, have a long list to do things”, “ccd is being refurbished to Russian taste”,  and other such lovely ones. But, I did a blunder, I unwillingly hurt one friend because of my hasty reaction. I was preoccupied with something else in my mind and blurted out reaction on him. We have been friends for almost twelve years now and have fought many times for big small things, but it seems this time I hurt him really bad. He and his wife were planning a meet for me and I acted so stupid. Though I apologized, he doesn’t seem to be in mood to forgive and forget. I was talking to Dheeraj about the same few minutes back and he said you are too much. Seriously, am I really too much. I don’t like hurting people, especially my loved ones and friends. I was looking forward to having a really beautiful time in India, perhaps, I myself envied my enthusiasm and pushed blacken the very beginning. Well, all I can say is I am really feeling sorry about it, but relationships can never be forced. People who really know me well, knows that I am like that. I get impatient at times, I react on other things under impact of things else way, but I really care for my folks and I do not like hurting or troubling anyone.

Tomorrow evening my parents in laws leave for India, and Saturday I do with my kids. I am dead tired by now. Cleaning, packing, and meeting people who invited mom in law for socializing. Now, I want to rest….rest for longggg!!

You know, an amazing thing happened today. While I was cleaning the kitchen, I could hear Charvi sing a song, an English number but the tune was akin to my life’s first favorite song. But, as I was too exhausted, I didn’t realize at first that she was singing an English number and I was simultaneously humming the hindi one. Later, when she started talking about it saying that her teacher gave that song in the class to learn, and also told them that the hindi song was the copied one and the original tune belonged to the English song, I got to know about it. Then she said that she told her teacher that the hindi one is her mamma’s favorite song. When I heard her saying that I was really amazed to know that my daughter knew that which songs her mother likes and which is her moms favorite. It moved me and I felt quite therapeutic. Oh, my girl is so grown up now. Sharing both here..links attached.

I slept at 3 am last night, slogged throughout today and almost drained by now. But yet I am unable to sleep. Waited for so long, so patiently and now when it’s hardly a matter of one day, I am feeling very intolerant, and raring to go in a jiffy. Want to see my mom right away, want to lie down in her lap and sleep for hours together. I want to talk to her for hours, I want to eat her hand cooked food. I simply want to be home. Can’t wait , can’t wait, can’t wait…..fly me away!!

See you...good night..bye for now!

500 miles

jab koi baat bigad jaye

(259) India calling

As the day arrives closer, anxiety and excitement both are at the peak. Mixed emotions surfacing, but I am eager to be home. It feels as if I am going home after ages though its been hardly seven months that I left India.Hope to have the best time there!.Can't wait to hug my mother, and feel loved in her embrace. Missing home tooo much!! Missing India!!

(258) Flurries and Music

Weather had been quite chilling since October. Today it kept shuffling between minus 11 to minus 7 degrees I believe. Since the time my in laws came here to visit us, most often, my mother in law would go and pick up the kids from school. Today, I had to step out thrice due to one or the other reason. Around 7 in the evening, I stepped out to drop Charvi's friend midway to her home, from where her mother was supposed to pick her up. It was killing cold outside.
                              It's been a month that I enjoyed my favorite songs on loud volume, not even that, infact I hardly got time to play music in recent days. So, purposely I carried the earphones while stepping out. I dropped her and then slowed down my pace ( I have really mastered the art of speed walk in last six months in Moscow). Wow, it was emancipating! Meandering, listening to my favorite numbers, and flurries kissing me. I played two numbers, namely Tere bina jiya jaye naa and Lag ja gale ke fir ye hasin raat ho na ho...very relieving walk. Though it was a first hand such encounter here in Moscow, the feeling of Deja Vu was quite perpetual.
                               Looking forward to fulfill my dream of a stroll on a blanket snow spread!!
Good night...Wishes...Love!!


                               

(257) Lovely friend

This is a note for a darling friend Gargi who is spark spreading cheer wherever she goes. I met her today perhaps for the last time in Moscow.By the time I ll come back here from India after vacation she would have already left this place.I will miss her here. Hope to see her someday in some other part of the world. Felt so loved today after having a great evening spent with her. May god keep her happy and smiling always. Love for her....

(256) Blank

Very tiny particle I am, in this extremely large universe. Yet I feel important of myself. I feel, I am here for a reason. I am here to leave something better behind.

At times, I get too busy sorting out my own cluster in this physical world. But often, that appears too monotonous and meaningless. I seek to know more. I urge to go deep inside the unknown. I desire to unveil all that is unseen on the exterior but is so up close and open to my subconscious mind, to my inner being, to my soul. I want to explore more. I want to know the reason why I am still alive. I want to fulfill the cause of myself entering into this human corpse and then move on.

For now, and after living three decades, I understand only this that I am here to be good, kind, honest, helpful, and to empty my heart out by giving away all the love I have. Giving is joyous and contenting. I am no God, but at times I feel so detached to everything around and wish to be the reason that spread cheer to everything, every being. And other times, I become little selfish and think of only those ways that keep me sane and healthy enough to give my family, my kids the best of both worlds.

But right now, I feel blank. I have no worries though, no sorrow as such to keep me bothered, no thought rushes to tangle my senses, but I still feel ruffled.

I don’t know, what I want to know, but I know I want to know something, which I know is really important for me to know. Oh my god…what am I doing?...Setting some kinda tongue twister??..No..

See you!

(255) Feeling Positive

It dates back to the earliest memories of my life. Since then, and till date, it has happened numerous times that whenever I become extremely excited and happy about certain things in life, life surprises me with something dissimilar to the flow, something that would hamper my joy and would leave my sad. And then later, I would sulk about sad things rather than rejoicing the good things.

Growing up, I learned that this is how life is. It’s about living with accepting the blend of sorrows and delights. Agreed, and it’s quite fair. But that acceptance only remains till I do not let my feelings overrule my thoughts, to be precise,  the impact remains till my mind has its say over my heart. Once the heart rules the roost, all the practical senses give up. And that is where all the problems and dilemmas arise from.  I start feeling mediocre, less important and hand down about myself.

There is hardly anything that I had wished for and God had not been kind enough to give it to me, as far as it’s about the materialistic achievements. I may feel so also because, these so called worldly materialistic pleasures have never been my priorities or aspirations, no doubts, having them has always helped me live an enhanced and better life and I have always been grateful for it to the almighty. However, I yet at times feel deprived. Why so?..Perhaps, meaning and definition of life to me has always been little different and one of its kind when equated with that of those around me. All I want from life and my people is peace, adore, truthfulness, and an everlasting unsullied wholesome connect with people I care for.

It’s a beautiful feeling to be cared about. I am feeling overwhelmed to have experienced something so touching and gratifying. No relationship has ever remained untouched by the impact of give and take, though it has always been believed that the expectation of the same give and take, most often ruins the very relationship.

Today, my heart is full of thankfulness. And this fullness is so contenting and relieving, that in contrast I feel light like a feather in my heart. I feel really cared and loved. I feel important. And I am more than grateful for the same. May god keep my sanity and equilibrium as it is today. Good night!!

(254) Clandestine/Vociferous

Only your well wisher tells the truth even if it sounds austere at times. I am grateful to have such people in my life. No human is perfect so neither am I. I have my own set of weaknesses and enervated conducts which perhaps shields my better personality. Very well brought to my perceive by my friend, about one of my imprudent and slapdash behavior- which obviously has never been intended thus, but it has occurred sometimes and conceivably it showed me more frail personality than I may  be in real. Nothing is wrong in being fragile though, but agreeably it should not be displayed so often, or rather not in front of incorrect people. Why am I writing this?.For myself!! To keep it handy as a virtual reminder.

I usually do not answer back people and even if I do, I don’t go overboard in terms of tone and tongue. That perchance portrays me credulous. Definitely I am not astute and perspicacious when it comes to handling sarcasm, but for sure I am not an obtuse or foolish, which I think I do come across because of my brittle emotional exterior. So the lesson is….to conduct in a balance of being clandestine and being vociferous. No change occurs overnight. So make peace with it. But Mita, darling, don’t forget, it is a very important message you have been made concerned with, and you should not disregard it in any way. Rather, do your best to bring about this change in your behavior and move a step forward in being more reformed and cultivated. After all, it’s all in your personal favor.

(253) Calmness

The state which I have been seeking so desperately since few days, came to me from the person I wouldn't have expected to come from otherwise. Not that I spoke about my restlessness and she came ahead with a solution or something, because for that I, myself would have had to nail the exact problem and discuss. I had been into lotsa dilemmas off late, packed with anxieties and weird fears which didn't let me sleep one full night. And I am completely unaware what was the exact cause of all these turbulence. Not that I quoted a problem and I got some calming answer. Perhaps, the aura, the presence or something more philosophical, spiritual or donno what, but something soothened me off. I feel more calm, more focused and more relaxed.

Temperatures dipping everyday, I am freezing everyday. Nose turning red and reminding me of all the funny names I got because of my nose turning red in winter, laughter and anger. Last night real feel was minus one degree.

What else?..Had a sudden, surprise and pleasant skype chat with an old friend today.It was nice, although during entire chat I was eating my lunch.

And...though I am calm,I am missing my mom too much. Longing to put my head in her lap and sleep for eternity and experience the real calm. Waiting to see her smiling face, getting wrapped in her blessed hug and eat food made by her. Can't wait to see her.......Missssssssssssiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg soooooooooooo muccccchhhhhhhh!!!!

(252) Weird post it is!!

She doesn't hold the key to the lock. In fact she doesn't even know, for that matter, what the key is supposed to look like. So,is she that big a dumb?.No!!! Not at all, she is quite a bunch of intellect. But then, do the intellects behave thus. No na..May be I mistook her to be smart.May be she is just as good in pretending someone that she is not, as I am at defending what I am. Am I not supposed to be myself?..I think I should always be myself. That's how I feel the most me and most alive.Other any which ways I feel a dead being in living flesh. So, am I wronged out then. Well.....this is gonna be a real messy thing I suppose. Why but? Why messy...Did I harm anyone whosoever any way till date? No...never!! Right..so what the hell with this crap and dung being thrown at here. Barricade self darling, barricade! Hmm...Right. You know what! It's just one more learning for a stupid little dumbo writing this.Ha ha ha..!!!Funny, is it!!..May be..on one note,may be not,,on another!..But cares who, me and you(that's me again)! Then..its midnight sweetheart...cut the crap here,,,and hit the sack.Long day ahead...And stop writing these un-important things..cos may be such un-witty occurence may happen every other day....Moscow calling is it!!..Na na.....indians in moscow u say!!
Well.....not every one is the same!..So ignore the ignorant, embrace the deserving!!

And who is She????...Oh well.....rule of the blog...we don't generally name them... who are either being referred with lotsa love or least(none) of it!!!I am dead for now...Good night!

(251) You think, You get..Is it !!

I have read this and heard over and over again, that ones thoughts are so powerful that they can bring in life the thing or person aimed at. And thus follows the advice further saying.."Think Positive".

Well, off lately, I have been observing that whatever I thought I got. Could have been dangerous too,but most often it turned out pleasant. So, does it mean, that ever earlier, whenever I did not get to achieve what I wanted, I was not focused enough to support my thoughts? Or, is it ,that this phenomenon has started working for me only since, very recent times?.. I wonder,how should I feel about it. Be happy or Be remorseful...............

But again....reminder, reminder....Think Positive!!! Okkeyyyy...
I am!!

(250) Wishes are butterfly

Wishes are butterfly..and so am I, fluttering the wings of whimsies to reach the endless sky.

(249) Crazy wish!

Well, amongst many crazy ones, I have this wish too. To get drunk enough to forget that there are people around, and simultaneously to have control enough to hold my feet on floors, and then dance,dance and just dance. Dance to my core without the fear of being judged.

(248) Look after yourself!

If you will not plan for yourself, there are chances you may let yourself fall in other's plans and guess, what they have planned for you?....Not really any plan...not much!! So look after yourself, no one else knows you better than yourself, and no one else will understand yourself better!

(247) I am happy today!

Call it luck or timing, I happened to speak to two lovely people today, my friends, after a long time and am so so thankful to them for the meaningful conversation they drew me into. It altered my mood completely.By the day drawing short, I was feeling lonely, and they filled in all the cheers. Wish the talk never ended. Both conversations were very different in the context, but the gist was so much akin. Live it all, it's just one life. Right now I am feeling very overwhelmed. I think, I should often talk to those people who bring in the cheer and positivity in life. If we look at it, life is not really that complicated. I think it has do with our perceptions and the way we exercise them.

To top up the wonderful feeling, I called my mom and spoke to her at length. What a blissful experience it becomes, always, to talk to mom. It is so much relieving, rejuvenating, motivating and fulfilling. Love of my life, my mom, I can never be enough thankful to her for being my support system. I am happy today. Very happy infact.
And guess what, after I was done talking to mom, I received a thank yu reply whom I had wished birthday this morning. And she seemed to be so happy to talk to me. And she said that she loves me so much for never forgetting her birthday in last 18 years. She is my school, classmate. Its always joyous to hear love you from people who resides close to your heart.There is so much love around us, just need to feel and accept the same. Stay here...joy! See you..!! Love!!!

(246) Let me be optimistic about life !!!

I had something else to write about, when I logged in here. I happened to read by chance one of my recent posts on this blog. I ended it saying" whatever happens, happens for good". Yes, I believe it so. But today, my conscience is asking me again and again, is it really so, that whatever happens, happens for good. If it is so, why few things occur wrong to us after they occur. Why we do not like some event of life, when they turn out to be?. Why do we feel left out or inferior, when we do not get everything that the other one has got? Well...I think it is very much in the mind. It's very psychological. Chalo, leave it, we will take it up some other time. Mood change...will talk about something else.

Dheeraj's colleague, I think I wrote about her few days back. Everyday after work, she is out meeting friends and enjoying her life. She often tells me that Mita, go and enjoy before the summer and autumn disappears. Winters will be harsh, depressing and dark. I understand that she has lived three winters here and she knows situations better than any of us do, and hence I try to relate to what she says, but not very seriously though. Morning till now, has been a kind of pre-cap of the winters. Dark, chilly, windy, but accompanied with endless rains. Rains, you very well know, brings out the best/rather worst of me. It turns me emotional and more wanting. And today it rained mercilessly, with a backdrop of black clouds, thunders, and no sun at all. When we went out to pick up Nishka, though I took umbrella for rains, but forget to wear any warm cover, and both, Charvi and I were literally shivering. Goose bumps showing up, hair waving to winds, and face kissing the breeze. If Charvi would'nt have been with me then, I would have definitely let myself get drenched in the rains. You know, how I love to be in unison with the falling waters. Back home, served lunch, put kids to sleep, and then I sat wondering, why is it thus, that after each interval of few months, I tend to go into some kind of self criticism mode and self pity mode? Need to work on it...And that reminded me of the enriching conversation, I had with a friend over phone on Sunday. My Gyan Guru, advised me to be happy, of course, friends for that matter will always want you to be happy, right? Well...the teachings said, that I need to focus on what is here, in present and not to think or worry about past and the future, which is not in my control. And to train the mind in a way, that it learns to accept the disapproval of the time, fate and people. I may not get everything that I long for. Fair enough, I agree. But it's not that easy, if it would be, there would be no pains in the world. 

Alright, but it's not that difficult too....!!

Hmmm..okay...Further instructions said, that I should learn to respect myself, think about my happiness too and stop worrying about what others have to think, say ,believe or do...as they are not in charge of my life, but I am.

Okaayy..got it..revisiting the entire conversation mentally, I felt good and thought of having a cup of coffee. Till the time, I beat the coffee, thoughts were churning simultaneously in my mind. I thought, why is it so, that always I crib of being left alone, and of being treated unfair. Why not for a change, this time, I will agree to disagree with my pessimism, and agree to agree with the fact, that if I focus on being more optimistic and practical, in a course of time, I may becomes so. Till when, will I keep running away from the hard turns, why not face it head on, why not for once, accept that life do not work in a fixed pattern, why not just let myself flow in it's flow, why not for once, stop fighting with life and stop resisting it's natural course? Why not enjoy life as it comes?..Hmm!! What's the harm in trying?

Generally, I don't prefer giving caffeine to kids, but today, I wanted a coffee partner for sure, missing by my side, so I made two cups, one for myself and one for Charvi.

Guess what, very filmi though, the time when I decided to lit up my sun in the heart, the real sun too decided to show up.I am having my coffee right now, with the sun-rays growing up on me every minute.Time to pull the curtain down, and I am sure, pulling it down would not, in any ways, take away the sunshine. It seems, it's lit up bright enough by now.

You know what, I always want to be positive, happy and spread the same cheer in my surroundings, and I also work towards it, but I think my biggest hurdle, enemy in my path of happiness, is my expectation. I have seen, whenever I expect less or don't expect anything from the other person, I don't feel hurt, but the moment I do, I start feeling insecure. Best way is to give all that I can, and expect nothing in return. That way, I don't have to stress and wait for the returns, and if at all I get something back, it's a treat.

And.....and...I never knew, someday, my own blogpost would help me cheer up myself and remind me, that life is beautiful and too short to be unhappy.Nothing is permanent. I might have wasted so many beautiful moments of my life by thinking of something else, when they had come to meet me..and then miss them later. Similarly, I may be turning my back on the beauty of life in present, by living in past and worrying about future. I read a post on assorted mirages and felt good to know that..yes I do write some sensible stuff as well....Cheers!!!

(245) Need sleep

I desperately need some sleep and peace of mind. Why can't this thinking machine be put off for some while?

(244) Superstitious by choice.

Superstition is inseparable from Indian mindset. Since childhood, I have heard about and made to believe in numerous idiotic superstitions. I never understood the logic behind the things which were said to stop us from doing certain things or prompting us to do few other things. Earlier, though I never openly opposed our great old generation’s fellow, my relatives, but since long I have been very vocal about my disagreement with the myths to be followed. Well, that is what I do on a serious and a conscious note. But secretly, at times, I choose to become irrational and credulous, especially if that particular fallacy is believed to be giving the happy outcome. For example, they say that for a woman, if her left eye-lid keep fluttering intermittently in a particular way out of her control, then some good news can be expected. Since the time I woke up this morning, my left eye lid kept flapping erratically. Normally, I would not have paid attention to it, but given that I had been waiting for a long time and anticipating something good to happen, I chose to take that sign as an indication for good in coming.

But you know what, I was wrong. The news that dropped in was not really a pleasant one. And I was right too in believing that all such things that people say are mere false notions created for self comfort.Things occur in accord with their destined order.

Nevertheless, I still firmly believe, "whatever happens, happens for good".

(243) Stranger but not stranger

Often it takes a lot of courage to share the pain we hold deep in our hearts, with the closest of our people. Not often though, it happens that a complete stranger give us such a patient and involved hearing, that leaves our core more relieved and eased out. Perhaps, they are the pals from our past lives. Stranger but not stranger.

(242) The sun will shine again

When in dilemma, I start feeling faze. Most of the arguments that my mind presents, fail to make an impact at the heart level. Now that I have lived above three decades of the present life, I have learnt enough to understand one thing very clearly, which states that nothing is forever. Be it joy, sorrow, aches, exhilarations, meticulous emotions, affections, connections, or the people you belong to and people you are fond of, nothing remains with you forever. Some hormonal imbalance I guess, that does bring the catastrophe. The debacle I go through when confronting the poignant upheaval, has always been an endeavor to sweat for. I feel vacuum, stillness, a void everywhere, in the surrounding, in other’s voice, my thoughts, my mind, my body, my breath and in the entire existence. And parallel to all, I feel equally disastrous commotion in everything in and around me. The dilemma crops up and the havoc begins right there. Uffff….!!..

I know it’s temporary. The sun will shine again and there will rise a wonderful morning. I will have hundred beautiful things to look at and feel good about. I will have numerous reasons to smile, laugh, give, share and be happy about. I will have new reasons to love myself one more day and for sure I will have more opportunities to pay back my share to this amazing world which has added its contribution in making me who I am.

(241) If only

If only...life was thus!!! An endless, ego less, beautiful conversation supported with all those emoticons to show up where words don't find their way!!!!

(240) Beauty felt through....

The beauty of past experience is felt through memories, the beauty of present moment is felt through heart beats and the beauty of the future is felt through its element of secrecy!!

(239) Uffff!!..This new generation!!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Last Sunday(10th August), Dheeraj went shopping and I took kids to the fountain park where other lady too, was visiting with her kids. We gathered there ,I sat with her chatting and kids started playing. After sometime, Charvi came to me and pointing towards a boy whom I could not locate, said, “mumma that boy patted me on my back and said I love you”. In shock and surprise, I asked her to repeat and when she did that loud, it was already heard by people nearby. I asked Charvi to ignore him and go and play with her friends again. But the other lady, insisted her to say the same thing again and then laughed off the entire thing saying, “ how sweet”…I paused her there and said in a firm tone, “no, it’s not sweet or funny”. I didn’t wanted Charvi to think about it either very seriously or very lightly. Though I assured her that if I see that boy again or his parent, I’ll speak to them.

As She is growing up,I had been teaching Charvi about good and bad touch, general acceptable and non acceptable gestures by others, but never ever thought of discussing something like how to respond when someone says I love you. Because till now, this is said only by family members to her and she responds back akin. Well, her worried reaction to the boy’s words could be because of the television exposure and my strict behavior. Although I am a very observant and vigilant mother, I have given them very selective and restricted access to watching television or cinema stuff, but still this generation you bet, is far beyond our calculations and imaginations. Am sure she thought it was bad for a guy to say something like this to a girl and that’s why she complained about it. It’s a deal between me and my kids, that everything happening with them throughout the day will be shared with me or their father or with both of us.

Would be too early to explain Charvi, what exactly the words “ I love you” means and what importance it holds in life when said to a girl by a boy. I presume, many years to go for her to take this education. Rest toh, god know well! Although I am pretty sure, time will teach her lots of stuff in its own way, but definitely, I will be there as her mentor, friend to help her understand the difference between good and bad. To decide will be her onus.

After about an hour or so, my friend left the park for home, and I sat there waiting for Dheeraj to join us and then head together home. Charvi came to me again and said, “mumma, that boy came and said sorry, I will never say or do such a thing to anyone else or you ever again”…well, I turned curious this time and wanted to see that boy for sure and successfully I could get a sight of him. I waited for a while to let him come nearby and them I waved him a hand to call close. He came to me and this is how further conversation took place…

Me: Hi

Him: Hi

Me: So, you were saying something to her(I pointed towards Charvi)

Him: Nope

Me: Nope, I think you said something a while ago..!!

Him: Oh..Ohh. dat..yup..well…yes I said.. I love you

Me: okay, so do you know what does that mean?

Him: Pretty much, yes I know, but I said sorry to her, I won’t say that again

Me: fair enough, but why did you say that in first place?

Him: Welllll..(with full on expression and assertion through hands and pointing towards charvi)…look at her, just look at her, she is so pretty!!

Me: Ahaa,, you think so?

Him: Of course, I do, don’t you?

Me: ( I was already amazed at the confidence of this young little boy, by  now got pretty sure, he had been watching a lot of television)… Yes..I do, I know she is pretty.

Him: But I said sorry..

Me: Alright,Ok..well…are you from Moscow, Russia..are you Russian?

Him: yes I am

Me: you speak good English, people here don’t

Him: oh yea…my father wanted me to learn English, he taught me a lot, and I do practice even now

Me: so how old are you?

Him: I ll be turning seven, I mean almost seven..tomorrow is my birthday, would you like to join in?

Me: (hmmm!!)…No, not really!!

Him: I can tell you the way to my home. (and he explained the entire route map to me with all the Russian names which I just cannot remember)….There are two grandmothers and two grandfathers at home. They would love to meet you and her (he meant Charvi, but he didn’t know the name and even I didn't ask his name)

Me: So, your parents are here with you right now?

Him: No, only my mom, my dad doesn't live with us?

Me: Okey, so where does he live?

Him: He left us to live with another woman.

Me: (His acceptance with facts of life left me stunned)..okey..am sorry about that.

Him: Don’t be, we are looking for another dad, hopefully we should get one.

Me: (ohhoo..i thought, he is so clear and crisp on his plans)..So you have siblings to play with?

Him: I have few brothers and sisters, but they don’t live with us, they are my father’s children, donno how he got them, may be his another wife gifted him.

Me: (By now, I had started feeling really bad for this cute little boy…didn’t know whether and how to carry on or stop the conversation) okkey…don’t worry, you have two pairs of grandparents to play with, cheer up and celebrate your birthday tomorrow with fun and laughter.

Him: ohh no no no…they don’t play with me, they make me do their stuff..oh how tiring that becomes at times. Never mind, thanks for your wishes. I would like you to join in please with her (Charvi ) ofcourse!

Me: Sorry dear, we have some other things scheduled up, may be some other time!

Him: Alright , I think it’s time to goo…see there’s my mom calling me, oh my god..now she’s gonna scold me again (may be she scolded him earlier too for saying those things)!!

Me: yup, bye..tc

Him: will see you again in this park someday if my mom wishes to have supper at khachapuri..bye for now!!

Hmmmmm..!!!! Didn’t understand, if it was the outcome of the culture and the fashion in which the boy was brought up, or it was an exception that such a young boy was so confident and eloquent about small and big things of life. I know, unlike India, things here are quite frank and open right from the childhood, but as I had never encountered such conversation with a child his age earlier, the experience left me speechless.

Well…..time to polish the lessons it seems, need to educate my darling a little more than what I thought was enough given that she just turned eight.

On the other hand, a vague thought chuckled me up…though the thought is completely baseless and even more funnier..but still lemme share it …I was 13 when I first heard, “ I love you” from a guy..and my sweetheart didn't even turn 8 by that day and such quandries….Uffff!!!....This generation, I tell you!!  Toooo much!!

(238) Anger

The anger producing machine is like a malfunctioned keyboard, once a key pressed or chord pulled, the vibration doesn't stop until the entire piece is played. Undeniably , the music produced thus is always disharmonious.
Truly, a vicious cycle. Least concerned with the trigger reason, the waves of anger hits head-on everyone enrouted. Calls for a reality check huh!!!. With and within! Why bother the innocent souls. Interrogate the conscious, speak truth to yourself, check mark the root cause and then...............either eradicate it, resolve it or make peace with it. Don't linger on and pamper your agonies. More than anyone else, it hampers yourself the most. Think!!

(237) Aesthetic

Sighted moon an hour back in the skies of Moscow for the very first time, since we have come here( say last three months). Big deal, u askin?..Oh yes! Very big deal. Please don’t forget those post and poem about my love for the moon. Fantasizing provocation or rather provoked fantasy, whatever…it left me immovable for quite some time. Though couldn’t really click a nice picture with the cell phone which was handy, stretching arms to pick up the cam was out of question at this hour of the day..dead tired!!

Well, let’s not deviate. What left me immovable was the luminosity of the moon. I wish I was in habit of saying “I swear” and then it would have helped me put assertion on the explanation about how I actually  felt, but yea I don’t like talking supported by swears, so putting it straight….amazing sight! Never understood the mystery of such magnetism of moon.( please keep that scientific thing aside, even I can give rubbish explanations that way).

Wonder, whether it is for real for others too, to feel so immersed, drawn, devoted, fond, keen, weak, tender, adored, and all that of sorts..or is it plainly the outcome of my aesthetic approach towards almost everything in life…that I feel the way quoted above and also feel love for moon, flowers, cool breeze, and those tiny little uncontrollable salty drops ever ready to get orphaned by leaving their abode-the eyes!

Perhaps, fault/magic(whatever suits you) lies right here in my aesthetic approach. But believe me, I love it this way!!! Isn’t life in itself some form of art!!

(236) Get me fresh air!

How to cope when there is only me, who beyond being an indivisible part of that whole, doesn't want to be a part of its negativity??? Pheww...!! Need boosters please..its so so so bloody negative!! Get me breathers..!! Get me fresh air!! Seems the escapade itself became a trap!! Good lord..Where are you???

(235) Everyone is loved

Uniqueness is indivisible when it’s about  individual’s sole characteristic that stand out beyond every other trait and makes him/her most lovable and precious by many or at-least one person.

I believe every individual is blessed to have that one person in life for sure who loves without reason.

May not be possible that you become the dear most one for the very person, who remains most valued to you, but you should still learn to give worth and respect to those, for whom you are the treasured one. If you can imagine and feel the pain of not being cherished, then you can also understand the feelings of those to whom you are valuable. You may not make them all the apples of your eyes, but for sure you can learn to be courteous to their adoration.

Believe me, it’s a wonderful feeling to know that you mean a life to someone. That your smile is the cause of someone’s waking up, that your happiness is something that someone never forgets to ask for in prayers, that your worries makes someone cry, that your sadness darkens someone’s day, and that your beating heart is the very reason for someone’s heart to keep beating.

And I can never be any less thankful to the almighty for sending so much of love in my life through various reasons and people, wrapped in delightful bonds and labeled with different relationships.

(234) Oh yes..! I am good!

Perhaps the lengthiest post! Not sure about it though..but definitely needs a good time of yours, so read when you can read it till the end. Scroll down and decide the time when you would want to read!

This post has been in tow since first week of July. And it kept altering its structure in my mind with every new incident adding up in days that followed, and somehow each fitted well in the context that this post contained. Well, this led to change the post entirely in the end result, although the idea behind writing it up remained unbothered. Yes, I am actually confused what to start with, so many things rushing through mind and only two hands not able to accommodate them through the keyboard. Hope I do not miss out anything, as I hardly go back and edit the posts. Only when I read them after shooting, I often realize the missing links, but lazy me..don’t edit them ahead.

Alright, here we go…

Though people say it’s not good to live life according to other’s opinions and it best be lived by our own good judgment, we often find ourselves trapped in the ambush of the believes and views of others about us and tend to look at ourselves through their eyes, and not always but often we accept that very image of ourselves to be true. And for that matter it stands true, regardless of the opinion being negative or positive. The influence remains so strong on our minds, that we cease to look at ourselves in other light and gradually we stamp that very image of ours as the irrevocable one. If it’s positive, we carry a danger of being one swollen with pride if not kept checked, and if it’s negative, we run with a risk of falling in the dismal pit of unenthusiastic living and contrite attitude towards self and others.

So, either ways, it doesn’t do much of good to be too reliant on other’s views to live our lives. Listen, evaluate, and be rationale in letting other’s words impact you and your thoughts. It’s not utterly harmful to give a ear to what others have to say, but it is definitely not the best idea to be a cerebrally dead follower of other’s analysis about your own life.

I have been a person at times who, well honestly, most of the times, who gets severely crashed down by the words and thoughts that others have to say in verdict about me. And often they end up to be the people closest to my heart. Not that others don’t enjoy disorienting me, but people whom I give the access to the innermost domes of my being, have time and again satiated their self-esteem by telling me that I am not good a person that I pretend to be(and be rest assured…I never pretend). And mostly, such things happen when I fall at cross angles with such sweethearts, my loving people and because they do not find better ways to hurt me back, they try to prove me unworthy of their adoring showers. I have never ceased to love them, but of course, their views about me have nailed my soul innumerable times and my heart bleeds each time I try to pull out the rusting nails. I have no ill feelings for anyone who have ever understood me wrong or tried to verify me less good, as far as they are my loved ones. And believe me, there is no dearth of such darlings. Right from my closest family to extended, closest friends to new ones, and people very special..all have taken their turns to bring out the salty water from my eyes. And who doesn’t face similar situations in their lives! I am sure you all too would have more than at times experienced this. Difference is just this, that the altitude of impact varies from person to person depending upon his/her own attitude towards such behaviors and the level of importance he/she gives to those acting thus to them. And as you know me, emotionally weak person, I often fall victim to these strikes and harm my own image to believe it to be true. Not that I do not welcome feedback. I do it honestly and accept the constructive feedback wholeheartedly when it is coming from the revered people. The only wrong thing, I do at times is overindulging in the criticism when done, and I shun myself the harshest way, which is not healthy for the mental and emotional status.

I know, you are thinking what is she really all upto..and what is the real intent behind writing all this. I know, I kind of dragged it a bit more above, but it still seems half written. However, I am not going to print a word more about the mentioned thought and rather come to the next point.

Opinions often leave me disturbed. And when revisited in thoughts, they hurt me and raise self doubt about my kindness and righteousness.

First week of July had been quite an aggravating one and things hit me deep, to learn that I may not be a very important person for people who are important to me. Well, one night that week I happen to find my best friend from secondary school till date (Mita, who now lives in Canada) online, and we chatted for good hours. In the conversation, came up the topic of her mother’s sad and accidental death and how after putting in all the efforts I could-besides being medically unfit, could not get a last glimpse of her mom (I told you about this long back). Then she shared few links and I saw her mother’s funeral videos on you tube. I did not sleep that night, cried every minute till sun showed up. She had told me that night that she needed me the most when her mother left and I was not there. I still regret my incapability for reaching there in time. But her love for me found to be unchanged despite all those silent months we waited for each other’s words.

Next week, 10^th July, day rushed through as usual with all the things to do by self here. It was about 10 pm, after serving dinner, milk and doing up the dishes, I wanted to retire for the day. I took the phone and rested my back to check if someone had dropped in. The message in watsapp read, ‘Hi Mita”. It was from Deepti, Deepti you remember, my close friend from Pune, about whom I had written through a post in 2011. Well, a short re-intro..who was my next door neighbor and we shared our food, joys and sorrows almost every-day, and continued doing that virtually when she moved into her new home and we moved to Hyderabad-her native place. We continued meeting every time possible during her visits to Hyderabad. In 2012, her father was diagnosed with lung cancer, got treated by Asia’s best doctor(they are amongst the richest in Hyderabad, so money was never an issue),but who can challenge the destiny. After being declared safe after successfully operated, he fell victim to fate and caught the disease again. Money ran like water of their home and so did the time. Her visits to Hyderabad increased and her worries multiplied. Though now we could not meet every time she visited, but we were constantly on phone and I made sure to check on her father’s health at the interval of 10/15 days even after I moved to Moscow.

That night, when I read her message, I typed. “hi deepti” and before I could type and send my second buzz asking “how is uncle doing”..beeped in her words, “dad passed away this morning”. I erased my words and paused for some seconds thinking what to write. We chatted for few minutes, I tried to console her in best possible way and asked for her permission if I could call her. She denied saying she won’t be able to talk. I agreed and we both stopped there for that night. Being lost in thoughts for quite some time, I realized what I meant to deepti. She had her brother, sister, sister in law, husband by her side during the second big misfortune of her life(first being losing her mother to cancer some years back), and yet she wanted me to be a part of her grief. Who would otherwise message a friend miles apart on the very day of her father’s death? When we were together, she often shared her feelings of cherished joys and personal pains and I could read in her eyes always the level of affection she held for me. The feeling remained mutual. I can never forget how beautifully she surprised me with a baby shower during my second pregnancy when I was feeling very low. The way she worked so hard to make success the cradle ceremony of Nishka, overwhelms me even today. The way she made me feel important, every other occasion by introducing me as a part of her family. And indeed her message reflected the same reverence she always portrayed for me. Her pain, her loneliness, her helplessness could be felt in her words that she wrote in our exchange. I again cried that night so much so that I could hardly sleep for a minute. Her urgency to make me a part of her misery and urging through an unvoiced appeal of assertion from my side that I am with her, stamped the fact that I may not be really in the good books of some people, but I definitely am not that appalling a person that sometimes people try to prove. I am for sure a person worthy enough to reside in better corners of others heart.

Came 17^th and it was Nishka’s first day of school in Moscow. Back to back travelling kept Dheeraj away and it loaded me with added responsibilities of travelling 20 plus kilometers with two kids, getting her admission done and staying back at school to make sure she didn’t cry much the first few days. And as both kids remains dad’s pets, it becomes more difficult to handle their dad pangs every evening. And that day was no different right from the beginning. Promising her that I’ll stay right in front of her school, Charvi and I entered the park opposite to Nishka’s school. We sat there and I looked at my watch to remind my mind that it was not less than five more hours that we would start towards home. I had taken along lunch box for both of us. There came an Indian lady with three other Indian friends, all of them were mothers to kids studying in the same school. Introduction session happened and women took their way to home, except the one who had come first to me. She asked me what was I going to do next. I told her we would be sitting here waiting. She then told why would you do that when I am her? And I was like hmmm…didn’t know what to say at her confident gesture. I politely denied her offer and requested her to move on. ‘no ways’, she said and in a manner as if she was commanding me -though with love, asked me again to hurry up as she had lots of cleaning waiting at home. She rejected all my reasoning and pleadings and took me and Charvi to her house, let’s say sweet forcefully. There was one more lady who was like me and had to keep waiting for her son who too was a new admission. She too was tagged along in the same way we were. We all reached her home which was on fourth floor of the building above school. She treated us as if we were her old friends from school. She quickly made lunch for all of us and ordered me again not to open my lunch box. I did open and we all shared and ate the food. That experience again pierced my heart with her goodness and the affection she showered on me, assured me again, that good begets good. Next day too…she left me with no choice and took me home, and talked to me in a way as if she knew me from ages. The way she spoke her heart out to me only in the second meeting reminded me of the words my husband had told me only a few days ago.

One night when he came back from official dine out, the moment he entered home he said, “ you have a very magnetic personality, very charismatic, something has to do with your aura that people like you so much”. I asked him if he was alright or was the vodka doing all the talking (though he never gets drunk enough to talk admiration). He said that many were asking about you today during the dinner and I could feel from their faces that they were so very positive about you( I had met his colleagues and their families at a dinner party a  week before). Though I had not taken his words seriously that night, but when this stranger generous lady treated me with so much kindness, the hurts of not being understood by some people got medicated to an extent and I believed what he had said.

Don’t raise your brows in sarcasm and tell me, “Why the hell do you need to prove that you are good? If you are, it will show”. I know, I very well know, that your action speaks for you. But right now, I am only in mood to remind it to myself that though I may not be the best but I am good, and at times, even reactions speak for you.

That very evening I happen to meet another lady whom I was supposed to meet for a short while, and we ended up talking for 4 hours and the way she treated me and my kids, inverted my faith far from being self doubting and pessimistic. As if God was in full swing to tell me that yes, there are people who love me, care for me and it’s not always me who does that to others. I am not always at the giving end…I do stand at the receiving end too.

The same evening 17^th, Malaysian flight was shot down in Ukraine, and dheeraj being there that time, and because being known by many people of his travel, I was loaded with queries of his being safe there due to the possibilities of riots outbreak. Amongst all, there was one message which though was intended to check on him, but also included my well fare in a way that made me numb for moments and I realized once again that I am significant.

No, don’t you even think that sitting there. I am in no self boasting mode or mood. I already told that it’s just a reminder to self about self significance. And you know, someday down again, when I would feel such low (knowing me, which I am sure I would), would refer to this post again to buck up myself.

Last but definitely not the least, (too old fashioned is it!) Sorry, couldn’t find a better line. Alright, this evening when again it became tough for me to handle Nishka’s ‘I want daddy’ jingle, I felt too helpless for her more than for myself. Last night too, she cried till 12 to see daddy but could not. Well, I tried to show her some cartoon videos in my phone, when another friend of mine Nandini ( my childhood best friend from Valsad and a friend for life) put in a message asking about Dheeraj’s safe return. I told her yes he did and he is travelling to other countries right now. Then we started talking about general things here and there for quite a time. And in the chat she reminded me of a quote which I had made while giving her gyan some years back. Oh yes, am good at that. I give a lot of philosophical gyan to my friends and family. And she often turns to me to lighten up her heart in hour of gloom. And I am glad that I have always ended up the conversation only after leaving her smiling, peaceful and at times splitting up in laughter (that’s what she says). Today, she told me that she has attended three levels of KBC(kaun banega crorepati) and waiting for the third round result. I wished her luck. Then she told me that on being asked who is her inspiration, she mentioned my name. Enthralling! Isn’t it! And then she told me so many things about myself which otherwise I would never think of being associated with my life form. There will definitely be a separate post about all that we did as kids together and about our childhood days spent together. She too inspired me a lot through-out , by the ways she handled her life and family from a very tender age of 8 or so when her mother had passed away. She again remains amongst those who live in the best zones of my heart.

Now…I do not know, if that person would read me on this, but I keenly want to say the following. “you have been a great source of inspiration, motivation, reason for my interminable laughter and incessant joys, basis of my courage, and a great help in your own ways to teach me the ways of life, to make me understand the complexities of relationships and a big support in amending my bonds with Dheeraj which otherwise had seen its inescapable roughs. Though in your own rustic ways, you taught me to respect the present rather than lingering around what is gone and fantasizing about which may not come. But……………. You also have at times by your cruel methods treated me as if I was nothing but hopeless. I agree, I may err, so do you, and so do all, but that doesn’t built the base to herald me the inferior. So …..with all my due respect, I wanna say…that I may be short tempered, impatient at times, grumpy by words though very rare, sulky I know….but that doesn’t happen with every other person coming into contact. I become me only with those who become them when in my company. Regardless to say…Thank you.!"

And a big thank you to all those who in the recent days, reminded me that I have decided to remain optimistic in every situation of life, and have vowed to spread cheer till my breath beats in there…

May all live in peace…

Now don't kill me okay.....I told you,didn't I, that it's gonna be a very lengthy post...thanks for reading anyways!

(233) Life is in this moment

Life is here..life is in this moment. Over and again we hear this, seldom understand. Time itself teaches this to us through various ways and yet we seldom understand. If we did realize, we would be more into living and less into making a living. Tirelessly we labor to make a living which of-course is essential, but on the way to perform this essential errand, we somewhere lose the very purpose of doing so and that is to make us live better.

We wait for one special thing to happen. We hope, we pray, we slog, we take vows and we keep waiting. The waiting seems endless and the happening of that special thing far, but soon that happens, stays for short time and the moment passes away. We aim for yet another special thing to happen and so the waiting thing again..and so on and so forth. But when does that special thing happen. It doesn’t come in one or two particular events and occurrences, it is there wrapped in every moment irrespective to whom it belongs and that is send by god, alike the blood present in every vein of our body irrespective of its location and function. We need to recognize this very simple thing that there is nothing like the special or unique moment waiting for us..it is we who make it thus with our actions. It is our people who make it thus with their presence. It is the faith within that keeps it alive. It is the trust in almighty that it does survive. It is the acceptance, approval, forgiveness and sharing of love, kindness and aid that make it the special moment.

Let us try and live in the present moment. The one from the past can never be resumed, the one belonging to future can never be called before its due…and hence whatever we have hold onto is this very moment, wherein we can choose to do what we want. Either love it, embrace it, respect it, live in it wholeheartedly, happily, filled with gratitude for experiencing it and spreading cheer to others…OR…waste it, ruin it, disgrace it by lamenting about/affixing to the past..& or worrying about the future…Choice is yours…choice is ours.

(232) Procastination

Perhaps, procrastination works in goodwill, most of the times. However, indubitably the time comes when you need to face it head on. And that is the major moment, and that is the decisive spin which shakes the crux- only to reconcile everything that is outside, peripheral. The core yet remains unsettled.

(231) Stupidity

How stupid a person can be? Is there any scale to measure stupidity?..No, I don't think so. And frankly, I don't think I have ever been so stupid and adamant as in some matters I behave. I surprise myself the way I behave at times. Putting the thoughts of ramifications on the back burner,I just proceed to do what the deepest of my heart urges, and behold, though I most often know the outcome, I still walk ahead and meet bang on the disappointment. Idiot me, huhhhh..!! 
Someday, I 'll learn..I hope! 
But, what's the point?..
Well...
Just..forget it!

(230) Lints

We people are so particular about removing the lints from our clothes. We imply any method to get rid of them. We rub them, jiggle-joggle them, get the lint remover machine, get them dry cleaned, wash them, do whatever we can to get rid of the lints, but we do not continue to wear them on ourselves along with the clothes. If nothing works, we finally get rid of the clothes themselves, but we make sure to discontinue the association with them because they trouble us...

I wonder why?..why we don't have the same approach towards the lints that we stick around our hearts? Why do we keep nurturing them and keep troubling ourselves as well as others. Lints of feeling-aches, jealousy, hatred, ego, complexes and many more like them. Why don't we just shrug them off our hearts and mind? Clean heart, clean mind will spread more cheer around and will let less lints cling to other's hearts as well. Think about it..

(229) Forehead Kisses

Beauty of being kissed on the forehead is beyond description. I love the forehead kisses. It gives the sense of self-assurance. When kissed on the forehead, I feel I am the most important, lovable and coveted person around. Adore being showered thus touches my soul. My eyes ceases to remain open and the lids shuts involuntarily ,as if they want to enclose the intact feel in themselves and keep it there forever and ever. They get filled with water of gratification and salt of entreat and yet they want nothing but to remain closed. My breath and the blood flow streamlines in co-ordination and forms a  melody only i can hear. My heart feels calm, settled, fulfilled and loved. That moment I feel like a child being loved unconditionally and being accepted as she is. No judgment, no queries, no blame game, no liabilities, no heart aches, no ill feelings, no ego, no  detestation, no if , but, why and so…it is pure acceptance, pure reception and pure love. Forehead kiss forms an embrace around my aura and hold close it, in a way most innocent and cosseted. Without arms around, I feel wrapped and secured from all worries. I end to anticipate any more from life and conclude within the entire world of joy and affection. I love the forehead kisses , I love being kissed on the forehead.

(228) Negative people

 I pity negative people. For whatever reason they act so negative about things, I really feel sad for them when others try to help them out by positive input and yet they stick to their pessimistic approach towards life. To be very precise, if I have to give the number there are at least four people in our extended families from either sides (mine and my husband’s family) , who are so very depressing human beings that at times I feel like going straight right into their face and tell them, “ see you are not helping anyone by being what you are, and adding to worse you are only leaving bad influence and dirty impact on others around you, besides torturing your own soul”…but gory limitations of the relationships! Alas! I simply have to ignore them, and am being specific, just ignore because I cannot avoid them.

I often tell Dheeraj when discussing about those people, that they need some help. How I wish I could be of some help to them. Recently, a person created so much mess during a family gathering that she pestered my mom to the tears. And when she had nothing else to fight about she dragged me in, (when I was already thousands of miles away here in Moscow) and told my mom that I did not inform her by personal call about my departure. God…I got so pissed off when I got to know about the same and could not help but intervene. It boils my blood when anyone tries and mess up with my parents or say a single word against them, to them or cause them any hurt by any means. My parents are so simple people that whole life they have practiced patience, tolerance and forgiveness and have always been helpful to others. I have tried to imbibe the same in me and do practice to a level, but not at all when it’s the question of my parent’s respect. With no fault of hers she heard all the nonsense just because the other person is a relative. Crap I say !!!

I called her (not my mom..but her..do not want to mention the relation)….and very nicely explained her  what mess she was creating without any reason and that no one is supposed to bother my mom for any reason whatsoever. Even I was welcomed by her, with lots of sarcasm and agony, but I gave across the message crisp and clear.

How far and for how many can this be done. Earlier in my brother’s wedding, chaos happened because of one aunt, and such things keep occurring on and off. Forget about people in families, I have faced and come across similar kind of people throughout at different stages and places in life till now. Some ditched and bitched after being friends, some got along just for selfish interests and some with whom I was never related in anyways, yet twisted and screwed ties with me just to satiate their negative egos and hurt me back. Hell with them.

At times, my wrath asks me to cut all bonds with such people, and at times it tells me to be patient and be helpful to them. To teach them peace, show them optimism and make them affirmative. Tough task though, hope I continue being constructive about life, people and bonds with them.

Keeping the fingers crossed that no one creates any hassle during my younger brother’s wedding. Cause if am there, and someone comes to thwart, I doubt I’ll be nicer anymore…sometimes you need to put your foot down and shout…enough is enough!!

(227) Run through..Jan-June 2014

I hate doing that…running in a jiffy through the thoughts I want to share in detail. But after every long gap of not being here, I do the same. Don’t I? and that kills the  very soul of the feelings I had experienced while those events occurred and hence it gets printed her very dried up too. Every time this happens, I promise myself that next time..am gonna make it a  point to keep awake and jot down the important things that very night, but I again miss doing that due to so many daily commitments to life and family. And gradually, most of my thoughts either die slow death or gets forgotten by my so forgetful mind. I sat now, with a frame of mind to write every bit of things happened in last six months..but alas …my mind is too tired to recall them in series of occurrence and vocabulary giving it up to present what comes to the fore…….Still..for my own selfish motive(which I keep reiterating that I wanna keep record of these days to read when I and my memory grow old), I will again run through the events without any particular order of occurrence.

Alright….

1. · Ushered in the new years with neighbors and friends in hyderabad..thanks to Monica and Vikas(our neighbor and friend), Nandini and Hanish(other friends family)..who made it so lively that night, we were all up almost till the early morning hours.
2. ·   6^th March, things got packed and moved out of our Hyderabad home…all our friends had extended their love by asking us to stay with them that night, but I wanted to stay in that house itself, monica gave us the bedding ,water and all that we needed. Nishka was the most upset that we emptied the house, she didn’t wanted to sleep anywhere else but there, hence we stayed there. With a very heavy heart, I handed over the keys to the house owner next morning. It was Dheeraj’s last working day in Hyderabad. He left for office and me and my kids spent time with Monica and her family. Dheeraj came in the evening, picked us up..it was a very tear-filled goodbye..Khyati(monica’s elder daughter) gave me a tight hug one last time before I sat in the car, I hadn’t received that tight hug in years from anyone but nishka….We went straight to Sai mandir one last time (which was near our home and we went there every week) and then to Abhishek’s house(other friend family). Nupur and Abhishek and their kids, we all were awake till late night. Next day I left for Ahmedabad with my kids and Dheeraj flew to Mumbai….Beautiful people, friends, memories and a lovely place to live(Aparna Sarovar in Hyderabad) was left far behind…but carried along in all of our minds. Till date, every few days, Nishka asks us why we left our home in Aparna Sarovar…For her, that’s the place where all her childhood memories of till now belongs to….But the good thing is that after reaching here, we talk and see Monica and her family through viber and facetime and feel good to see them(thanks to the technology)…
3. · Though we had sold one car and a big chunk of our furniture before moving out of Hyderabad, there was still lot of stuff that needed to be tactically fitted in Ahmedabad’s house which was comparatively small. My brother’s friend would often drop in with her backpack and stay back to help me set house. Sometimes her sister and other girls too would join her. Though tiring most of the times, but the entire tenure of two months in Ahmedabad was awesome. However, I took two breaks in between to travel to Valsad and Udaipur respectively, which again filled my days with love and blessings as everyone was bidding us good bye before we had to move to Moscow. Few places in Udaipur always mesmerize me and do the recalling job and fill my heart with reminiscences. Back in Ahmedabad,  I met 7 old friends of mine after years, they were my schoolmates, college-mates, colleagues. Met so many other relatives and felt good to meet them at ease. Got to spend good time with my Research Guide Anamika mam. Nice lady she is, very intellectual and equally down to earth. Also got a chance to take a seven day library membership of IIM Ahmedabad. What an enriching experience it was to visit that place, sit amongst scholars and do the research work, hope the data collection I did in those days add up to my research work positively. Ate Pani puri to my heart’s content, though it is never enough for me, frequented Café coffe day like a second home and relished my Devil’s own and Kappi Nirvana numerous times. Well, then came the time for Dheeraj to fly, he flew on 1^st april to Moscow…and came back a month later to take us all along.
4. · Gathered sweet sour memories, enjoyed living in Ahmedabad and this time in my own home and not at mama’s house, so it was all the more fun. Thanks to all my friends , my brothers friends who came over at our place and made it lively time and again…Also a big thanks to them to tag me along in their fun toli for Holi, manek chowk night out, long drives, movies….and the hullad masti that I had long forgotten and left far behind…..
5. ·  9^th   May’2014, our marriage completed nine years…and on the same night we flew out of India. With a very heavy heart but of course hopes for a positive move, I waived a bye to all..my mother’s eyes were filled with tears but she held them back until we left her sight. Then I got to know from my brother that she cried.
6. · 10^th may 2014, we were in Moscow. For quite a many days, I felt disoriented and lost, but as soon as task started hitting my efficiency, I got more involved in setting up the house and moving around in the nearby places…things have comparatively settled down. Thankfully we have found few good Indian friends in Dheeraj’s colleagues and family. Hope to see kids settle down in school as soon as the vacation gets over here….and hope to have a peaceful stay in Moscow till the time we dwell here.
7.  And keeping the fingers crossed..i hope to achieve all that I have worked for and working for.

I know..it sounded too unfounded….however..i am glad I wrote this after all and before I could forget all this..because I am sure there still remains things unsaid but not unimportant…see you

(226) Live in the moment

We don't actually live the day we get hands on, instead we keep planning for the days to come...
and those days..the days to come...they never do come..because we still keep routing for them..and we never really live the life we are meant to live..live it in the very minute, very hour, very day......
Who knows what the next moment has in store for you?...or rather..there's no next moment for you...

(225) Amalgamation

To the depth of eccentricity and to the zenith of insanity, with the gusto to live till the alacrity to die…there flows the blood with piquancy of your love, in every single vein of this mortal house where resides my soul that covets to fly away and amalgamate in the very core of you..in the very soul of you..

(224)Last Memoirs of Hyderabad

Hi,

Been a gap of six months since I have been here..have so much to share that you will get sick of reading it all.For now am posting the last email conversation I had with the members of my Apartment community(Aparna Sarovar) in Hyderabad, before we left that place.

Here is the mail which I wrote and in the following are the beautiful responses giving me farewell...(One selfish interest behind posting it here is that these beautiful memories will stay forever with me)

"Hello Everyone…Good morning,Pardon me sarovarites, if this mail turns a tad lengthy and/or emotive, but I can’t leave Aparna before having said this. As less than a week left to move out of this beautiful place, I want to thank the entire community to have added in enriching in a way or other, our experience of living here for last two years. Though this is the sixth relocation in our marriage of circa nine years, never earlier have I felt so miffed about moving out. My kids, my husband and of course myself are completely in love with this place. We are hauling along with us, the delightful memories extending from – living in midst of wonderful plantations, benefitting from the sports and other amenities close at hand, building friends with amazing people, relishing the food exchange with awesome neighbors, enjoying the cultural events, and, and & upto....its a long list to go. I personally revered the opportunities to choreograph for the kids twice and dancing out dead myself during navratris and new years, very rejuvenating. There are also reminiscences etched out in my mind as regard to the people I don’t know in person but have crisscrossed with numerous times and to quote a few—wonderful mothers tirelessly administrating various activities for their kids -always enthused me, a stunningly beautiful lady( presumably in her 50s) each time i saw - inspired me to keep the zest on high, a pair of white pigeons - who sparked off friendship between me and a lovely female in F block, a gentleman cascading equal adore and attention simultaneously onto his baby and his pet(a dog) whilst playing with them in morning hours in green lawns - often motivated me to be more spirited about life and gratified of what we have, reading the email trails on apnacomplex- augmented my way of understanding various people…. wellll…..the roll again is endless…In a gist, we had a great stay here in Aparna Sarovar, and we look forward to being a part of this family in future again if time and prospects permits. Hope to find this place as effervescent and amorous whenever we see you folks again…Have a great time….Thanks again..On behalf of my family & myself Mita"

The Replies in converse...

1) That's indeed very beautifully put Mita,Wish you a great stay at your next destination and memorable experiences forever. Cheers!Swati

2) Dear,Its people like U,ll who have made Aparna, what it is today.We are saving Ur message, so that it tides us over, whenever, as senior citizens, we will feel low about life in general.Our heartfelt blessings for Happy Days ahead. Our Prayers to God for putting brakes on Ur frequent moves.God Bless.Mr. Porendra Pratap

3)Vijay Namburi(Secretary-ASOWS) Thank you Mita for your kind words! IT makes all of us feel proud! Vijay.

4) Dear Mita n fly..Though I have not met you, with so many friends you have in this habitat, you most welcome here anytime. Kudos to you observation and presenting your feelings of Aparna Sarovar. Pray you and your family has the best future with prosperity wherever you are and wherever you go. God bless you all.nagamani

5) It is generally said that when you are buying a home for living and esply if its the first purchase don't fetter too much on finances. Reason being it's about the memories the kids, the elders and yourself carry of your home and the happiness that accompanies. I wasn't bought in much to this idea but having lived in sarovar, I now fully realize how wonderful this place has been and every penny spent has been worth it. Thanks Mita for sharing your thoughts so eloquently and good luck for future. Cheers Ramesh

6) Thanks for reminding us about the blessings of aparna and also making us realize the need to count our blessings and not take them for granted. I have not met u though we may have bumped in to each other at some  beautiful part of AP...May God bless you and your family with health,wealth and peace!andal

7) Hi, Thank you so much for the awesome message and the  sentiments so nicely expressed .Above all, the most important thing is to respect every one and count on the joyful life our Apana Gaon gives us.All the very Best ..LS Murthy 

8) Dear Namburi,To avoid our community from becoming too impersonal, the MC can take the lead in organizing small farewell contributory functions over a cup of tea, in the club-house, to residents who are leaving the community. The immediate neighbors & friends of the departing resident can take the lead in this regard.For the beginning it can commence with Mita & family.Mr. Porendra Pratap 

9) Hi Mita,First time I see I someone really write so nice about Sarovar. Honestly, this is such a wonderful place to be. I have been to lot of other communities around but trust me none have been so Jubilant. Thanks to the previous and the current MC and people of Sarovar for making it so delightful.Though we haven't met, your email talks about your personality. Wishing you good luck ahead.Regards,Ravi Reddy

10) Very well expressed, Mita! May your next move be to sarovar again :) or any other place abroad, as I believe sarovar is the best place to live in India. I wish you continue at a nice place for 10+ yrs as shifting often is really painful ( me 9yrs, 8 moves..)Wishing you and your family, goodluck and peace in all your endeavours! Liked ur caption;) Regards Priyanka

11) Me again....Hi....Smiles and tears came rushing throughAfter reading one and all of you,Heart filled with more gratitudeThank you all so very much for echoing my feelings in your own sweet words and ways, and of course for the sincere blessings and wishes. Keep the smiles rolling...stay blessed...Regards..Mita                       ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will come back soon to you with all that I missed on saying in last six months and all that which is up happening right here...