Perhaps the lengthiest post! Not sure about it though..but
definitely needs a good time of yours, so read when you can read it till the
end. Scroll down and decide the time when you would want to read!
This post has been in tow since first week of July. And it
kept altering its structure in my mind with every new incident adding up in
days that followed, and somehow each fitted well in the context that this post
contained. Well, this led to change the post entirely in the end result,
although the idea behind writing it up remained unbothered. Yes, I am actually
confused what to start with, so many things rushing through mind and only two
hands not able to accommodate them through the keyboard. Hope I do not miss out
anything, as I hardly go back and edit the posts. Only when I read them after
shooting, I often realize the missing links, but lazy me..don’t edit them
ahead.
Alright, here we go…
Though people say it’s not good to live life according to
other’s opinions and it best be lived by our own good judgment, we often find
ourselves trapped in the ambush of the believes and views of others about us
and tend to look at ourselves through their eyes, and not always but often we
accept that very image of ourselves to be true. And for that matter it stands
true, regardless of the opinion being negative or positive. The influence
remains so strong on our minds, that we cease to look at ourselves in other
light and gradually we stamp that very image of ours as the irrevocable one. If
it’s positive, we carry a danger of being one swollen with pride if not kept
checked, and if it’s negative, we run with a risk of falling in the dismal pit
of unenthusiastic living and contrite attitude towards self and others.
So, either ways, it doesn’t do much of good to be too reliant
on other’s views to live our lives. Listen, evaluate, and be rationale in
letting other’s words impact you and your thoughts. It’s not utterly harmful to
give a ear to what others have to say, but it is definitely not the best idea
to be a cerebrally dead follower of other’s analysis about your own life.
I have been a person at times who, well honestly, most of
the times, who gets severely crashed down by the words and thoughts that others
have to say in verdict about me. And often they end up to be the people closest
to my heart. Not that others don’t enjoy disorienting me, but people whom I
give the access to the innermost domes of my being, have time and again
satiated their self-esteem by telling me that I am not good a person that I
pretend to be(and be rest assured…I never pretend). And mostly, such things
happen when I fall at cross angles with such sweethearts, my loving people and
because they do not find better ways to hurt me back, they try to prove me
unworthy of their adoring showers. I have never ceased to love them, but of
course, their views about me have nailed my soul innumerable times and my heart
bleeds each time I try to pull out the rusting nails. I have no ill feelings
for anyone who have ever understood me wrong or tried to verify me less good,
as far as they are my loved ones. And believe me, there is no dearth of such
darlings. Right from my closest family to extended, closest friends to new
ones, and people very special..all have taken their turns to bring out the
salty water from my eyes. And who doesn’t face similar situations in their
lives! I am sure you all too would have more than at times experienced this.
Difference is just this, that the altitude of impact varies from person to
person depending upon his/her own attitude towards such behaviors and the level
of importance he/she gives to those acting thus to them. And as you know me,
emotionally weak person, I often fall victim to these strikes and harm my own
image to believe it to be true. Not that I do not welcome feedback. I do it
honestly and accept the constructive feedback wholeheartedly when it is coming
from the revered people. The only wrong thing, I do at times is overindulging
in the criticism when done, and I shun myself the harshest way, which is not
healthy for the mental and emotional status.
I know, you are thinking what is she really all upto..and
what is the real intent behind writing all this. I know, I kind of dragged it a
bit more above, but it still seems half written. However, I am not going to
print a word more about the mentioned thought and rather come to the next
point.
Opinions often leave me disturbed. And when revisited in
thoughts, they hurt me and raise self doubt about my kindness and
righteousness.
First week of July had been quite an aggravating one and
things hit me deep, to learn that I may not be a very important person for
people who are important to me. Well, one night that week I happen to find my
best friend from secondary school till date (Mita, who now lives in Canada)
online, and we chatted for good hours. In the conversation, came up the topic
of her mother’s sad and accidental death and how after putting in all the
efforts I could-besides being medically unfit, could not get a last glimpse of
her mom (I told you about this long back). Then she shared few links and I saw
her mother’s funeral videos on you tube. I did not sleep that night, cried
every minute till sun showed up. She had told me that night that she needed me
the most when her mother left and I was not there. I still regret my
incapability for reaching there in time. But her love for me found to be
unchanged despite all those silent months we waited for each other’s words.
Next week, 10th July, day rushed through as usual
with all the things to do by self here. It was about 10 pm, after serving
dinner, milk and doing up the dishes, I wanted to retire for the day. I took
the phone and rested my back to check if someone had dropped in. The message in
watsapp read, ‘Hi Mita”. It was from Deepti, Deepti you remember, my close friend
from Pune, about whom I had written through a post in 2011. Well, a short
re-intro..who was my next door neighbor and we shared our food, joys and
sorrows almost every-day, and continued doing that virtually when she moved
into her new home and we moved to Hyderabad-her native place. We continued
meeting every time possible during her visits to Hyderabad. In 2012, her father
was diagnosed with lung cancer, got treated by Asia’s best doctor(they are
amongst the richest in Hyderabad, so money was never an issue),but who can
challenge the destiny. After being declared safe after successfully operated,
he fell victim to fate and caught the disease again. Money ran like water of
their home and so did the time. Her visits to Hyderabad increased and her worries
multiplied. Though now we could not meet every time she visited, but we were
constantly on phone and I made sure to check on her father’s health at the
interval of 10/15 days even after I moved to Moscow.
That night, when I read her message, I typed. “hi deepti”
and before I could type and send my second buzz asking “how is uncle
doing”..beeped in her words, “dad passed away this morning”. I erased my words
and paused for some seconds thinking what to write. We chatted for few minutes,
I tried to console her in best possible way and asked for her permission if I
could call her. She denied saying she won’t be able to talk. I agreed and we
both stopped there for that night. Being lost in thoughts for quite some time,
I realized what I meant to deepti. She had her brother, sister, sister in law,
husband by her side during the second big misfortune of her life(first being
losing her mother to cancer some years back), and yet she wanted me to be a
part of her grief. Who would otherwise message a friend miles apart on the very
day of her father’s death? When we were together, she often shared her feelings
of cherished joys and personal pains and I could read in her eyes always the
level of affection she held for me. The feeling remained mutual. I can never
forget how beautifully she surprised me with a baby shower during my second
pregnancy when I was feeling very low. The way she worked so hard to make
success the cradle ceremony of Nishka, overwhelms me even today. The way she
made me feel important, every other occasion by introducing me as a part of her
family. And indeed her message reflected the same reverence she always
portrayed for me. Her pain, her loneliness, her helplessness could be felt in
her words that she wrote in our exchange. I again cried that night so much so
that I could hardly sleep for a minute. Her urgency to make me a part of her
misery and urging through an unvoiced appeal of assertion from my side that I
am with her, stamped the fact that I may not be really in the good books of
some people, but I definitely am not that appalling a person that sometimes
people try to prove. I am for sure a person worthy enough to reside in better
corners of others heart.
Came 17th and it was Nishka’s first day of school
in Moscow. Back to back travelling kept Dheeraj away and it loaded me with
added responsibilities of travelling 20 plus kilometers with two kids, getting
her admission done and staying back at school to make sure she didn’t cry much
the first few days. And as both kids remains dad’s pets, it becomes more
difficult to handle their dad pangs every evening. And that day was no
different right from the beginning. Promising her that I’ll stay right in front
of her school, Charvi and I entered the park opposite to Nishka’s school. We
sat there and I looked at my watch to remind my mind that it was not less than
five more hours that we would start towards home. I had taken along lunch box
for both of us. There came an Indian lady with three other Indian friends, all
of them were mothers to kids studying in the same school. Introduction session
happened and women took their way to home, except the one who had come first to
me. She asked me what was I going to do next. I told her we would be sitting
here waiting. She then told why would you do that when I am her? And I was like
hmmm…didn’t know what to say at her confident gesture. I politely denied her
offer and requested her to move on. ‘no ways’, she said and in a manner as if
she was commanding me -though with love, asked me again to hurry up as she had
lots of cleaning waiting at home. She rejected all my reasoning and pleadings
and took me and Charvi to her house, let’s say sweet forcefully. There was one
more lady who was like me and had to keep waiting for her son who too was a new
admission. She too was tagged along in the same way we were. We all reached her
home which was on fourth floor of the building above school. She treated us as
if we were her old friends from school. She quickly made lunch for all of us
and ordered me again not to open my lunch box. I did open and we all shared and
ate the food. That experience again pierced my heart with her goodness and the
affection she showered on me, assured me again, that good begets good. Next day
too…she left me with no choice and took me home, and talked to me in a way as
if she knew me from ages. The way she spoke her heart out to me only in the
second meeting reminded me of the words my husband had told me only a few days
ago.
One night when he came back from official dine out, the
moment he entered home he said, “ you have a very magnetic personality, very
charismatic, something has to do with your aura that people like you so much”.
I asked him if he was alright or was the vodka doing all the talking (though he
never gets drunk enough to talk admiration). He said that many were asking
about you today during the dinner and I could feel from their faces that they
were so very positive about you( I had met his colleagues and their families at
a dinner party a week before). Though I
had not taken his words seriously that night, but when this stranger generous
lady treated me with so much kindness, the hurts of not being understood by
some people got medicated to an extent and I believed what he had said.
Don’t raise your brows in sarcasm and tell me, “Why the hell
do you need to prove that you are good? If you are, it will show”. I know, I
very well know, that your action speaks for you. But right now, I am only in mood
to remind it to myself that though I may not be the best but I am good, and at
times, even reactions speak for you.
That very evening I happen to meet another lady whom I was
supposed to meet for a short while, and we ended up talking for 4 hours and the
way she treated me and my kids, inverted my faith far from being self doubting
and pessimistic. As if God was in full swing to tell me that yes, there are
people who love me, care for me and it’s not always me who does that to others.
I am not always at the giving end…I do stand at the receiving end too.
The same evening 17th, Malaysian flight was shot
down in Ukraine, and dheeraj being there that time, and because being known by
many people of his travel, I was loaded with queries of his being safe there
due to the possibilities of riots outbreak. Amongst all, there was one message
which though was intended to check on him, but also included my well fare in a
way that made me numb for moments and I realized once again that I am
significant.
No, don’t you even think that sitting there. I am in no self
boasting mode or mood. I already told that it’s just a reminder to self about
self significance. And you know, someday down again, when I would feel such low
(knowing me, which I am sure I would), would refer to this post again to buck
up myself.
Last but definitely not the least, (too old fashioned is
it!) Sorry, couldn’t find a better line. Alright, this evening when again it
became tough for me to handle Nishka’s ‘I want daddy’ jingle, I felt too
helpless for her more than for myself. Last night too, she cried till 12 to see
daddy but could not. Well, I tried to show her some cartoon videos in my phone,
when another friend of mine Nandini ( my childhood best friend from Valsad and
a friend for life) put in a message asking about Dheeraj’s safe return. I told
her yes he did and he is travelling to other countries right now. Then we started
talking about general things here and there for quite a time. And in the chat
she reminded me of a quote which I had made while giving her gyan some years
back. Oh yes, am good at that. I give a lot of philosophical gyan to my friends
and family. And she often turns to me to lighten up her heart in hour of gloom.
And I am glad that I have always ended up the conversation only after leaving
her smiling, peaceful and at times splitting up in laughter (that’s what she
says). Today, she told me that she has attended three levels of KBC(kaun banega
crorepati) and waiting for the third round result. I wished her luck. Then she
told me that on being asked who is her inspiration, she mentioned my name. Enthralling!
Isn’t it! And then she told me so many things about myself which otherwise I
would never think of being associated with my life form. There will definitely
be a separate post about all that we did as kids together and about our
childhood days spent together. She too inspired me a lot through-out , by the
ways she handled her life and family from a very tender age of 8 or so when her
mother had passed away. She again remains amongst those who live in the best
zones of my heart.
Now…I do not know, if that person would read me on this, but
I keenly want to say the following. “you have been a great source of
inspiration, motivation, reason for my interminable laughter and incessant
joys, basis of my courage, and a great help in your own ways to teach me the
ways of life, to make me understand the complexities of relationships and a big
support in amending my bonds with Dheeraj which otherwise had seen its
inescapable roughs. Though in your own rustic ways, you taught me to respect
the present rather than lingering around what is gone and fantasizing about
which may not come. But……………. You also have at times by your cruel methods
treated me as if I was nothing but hopeless. I agree, I may err, so do you, and
so do all, but that doesn’t built the base to herald me the inferior. So
…..with all my due respect, I wanna say…that I may be short tempered, impatient
at times, grumpy by words though very rare, sulky I know….but that doesn’t
happen with every other person coming into contact. I become me only with those
who become them when in my company. Regardless to say…Thank you.!"
And a big thank you to all those who in the recent days,
reminded me that I have decided to remain optimistic in every situation of
life, and have vowed to spread cheer till my breath beats in there…
May all live in peace…
Now don't kill me okay.....I told you,didn't I, that it's gonna be a very lengthy post...thanks for reading anyways!
